Pushing my envelope...or my luck?

[flic]

A friends 40th birthday party. An invitation to wear whatever makes me comfortable. A lot of close friends who know about me but haven't met me. A shiny new attitude that's pushing me further and further in the world. So i go, and i have a fantastic night, nobody really batted an eyelid, there were hardly any questions and it was just like a normal night out, i had a lot to drink, i had a lot to eat and my feet hurt like mad at 3 in the morning, so it must have been good. The only problem is, i've been feeling crappier about it ever since. I guess i'm having a really hard time separating out my need to be myself and the worry that this has more of an effect on my friends than they're telling me. Maybe i can chalk it up to having fantastic friends, they really don't care, it really wasn't a problem and i've really never been any different in the time they've known me, they just know a little more about me. But there's a niggle in my mind that is secretly expecting this overwhelming positivity to end right about now, and the world to crash down around me. Natural pessimism and paranoia is apparently not a happy bedfellow with my new approach. I guess there's no question from this, i just sometimes wonder if i'm pushing my envelope and forging the life i want for myself, but pushing that on people and pushing my luck with my friends. Please don't misunderstand me, they've been amazing and i don't doubt them, i doubt myself, and i struggle to know if i'm inherently selfish or if i'm responding to the absolute need to be myself.

x Flic x

[Christine Kelly]

Dressing makes you happy and you enjoy it, so why would your friends not want to see you happy?
I say, carry on.
After all, what is the alternative?
Going back to boy mode and being unhappy?

[ReineD]

I guess i'm having a really hard time separating out my need to be myself and the worry that this has more of an effect on my friends than they're telling me.

It is hard sometimes to tell the difference between mild paranoia and accurate instincts. So the way to determine this is to take one or two of your closest friends aside, and candidly ask them. There would be no shame in telling them exactly what you wrote in your post.

What you really want to know is, will your choice of presentation affect their feelings of friendship for you, in other words do they think it is weird? There's nothing wrong with asking this, and depending on the answer, you can make your own decisions on whether to not express yourself, or find different friends.

[Cheryl T]

ReineD is right...

And give them a little time ... see if anything feels different when you are with them. Do they treat you different or were you just imagining possibilities out of the fear we all naturally have about letting others see who we really are?

[Beverley Sims]

Keep up what you are doing.
Maybe not push the envelope as speedily as you have and give others time to accept who you are.
If invited out again keep getting dressed up and enjoy the life.
If some negatives creep in, slow down a bit.

[Cynthia Anne]

I agree with Reine! However I would say that's one way to find out who your friends are! Good luck!

[suit]

dont steel some one elles party

[Gerrijerry]

friends may be shocked at first but they accept you as you are. Please note I said Friends not everyone is really a friend but more of an acquaintance. But family are not always friends. and friends are not always friends. That is the way of life. You move thru and live your life sometimes it is wonderful other times it is not. If what you want is to dress a lot or even full time that is what you feel you need. then just be happy with yourself, the rest of the world does not have to be.

[Sara Jessica]

I totally understand why you are having a hard time figuring out your friend's true reaction. The silence on the other side can make the mind race.

They treated you totally normal, isn't that what you wanted?

Some might think you are the coolest thing since bread came sliced.

Or might they be totally yucking it up behind your back.

Or some may be uncomfortable beyond belief with your presentation around them. Kind of like a lot of SO's, "hey, whatever floats his...er, her...boat, but please, just not around me".

I think you need to communicate with a couple people you trust to find out what the pulse of the crowd was. Be mindful that you might not hear what you want to hear. Where it goes from there is up to you.

[kimdl93]

Maybe you're feeling a little "buyer's remorse". Often when people make a big decision - to purchase a car - or come out further to friends - there's that inner voice questioning your decision. In your case, you're questioning if by expressing yourself you are pushing yourself on others. But in the context you provided, it seems that a) you were invited to wear whatever made you comfortable by friends who knew but hand't seen you. Based on your description of the evening, the emerging you was well received.

My advice is to take the experience at face value. You have good friends who are accepting. Be grateful and stop worrying.

[reb.femme]

Hi Flic,

Pessimism is my strong suite, that way I am never surprised by a bad event.
However, only time will tell on this one and quite honestly, if people were going to be really negative, it would have been at the time.
Grand assumption I know, but disgust generally shines through regardless.

I think you made a brave move and in the old and well worn genie analogy, she isn't going back in the bottle now! If people fall away from you now, they weren't friends in the strictest of terms. You've made a giant leap and I applaud you!

Here's the negative you were expecting. I hate the fact your eye makeup looks so good!

Reb

[flic]

Thanks so much for your responses. ReineD, you're right, i need to ask if my presentation will affect anything, i'm edging closer to full time now so this will definitely be a question i'm asking.

Anyhow, i've resolved to face it all head on so that's my trajectory, but i'll ask some trusted friends how they feel about it all, and i'll try to put paranoia out of my mind. For those that know, they've said it's fine and until i find otherwise i should take it on face value. I think i'm just at a tipping point, i need to be myself, i need people to know and i need them to be honest with me because it's not just an occasional dress up for me, so i need that reliable feedback. I think the long and short may be, my friends are awesome, and im just a little paranoid! I just hope i'm right...

x Flic x

[ReineD]

Thanks so much for your responses. ReineD, you're right, i need to ask if my presentation will affect anything, i'm edging closer to full time now so this will definitely be a question i'm asking.

This changes everything. Earlier I assumed that it was all an option for you.

I agree, having a talk with your friends to ask how they're taking this is a good idea, but since you are transitioning you might also consider educating them about being TS, if they are not quite as understanding as you'd like them to be. Often people have misconceptions about those who (in their eyes) change genders, and it never hurts to let them know how it feels, to identify as a gender that is not congruent with one's physical body.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Flic, It's just a case of Mind over Matter, If you don't Mind than it doesn't Matter.

[Helen_Highwater]

While it's a regular topic here about encountering bad reactions when out and about I'm also aware through my own children of just how accepting they are of their friends from school days who are gay. It's a non event. They is what they is. No innuendo, no sly remarks just acceptance of the person.

And it sounds as if you’ve friends who are the same and as others have suggested, gently ask them if it causes them a problem, explain you’re fears. I think you’ll be rewarded with support. Take it and continue along your road.