Why the heack would she do that?

[docrobbysherry]

Jillian, I've been married and divorced. I learned the hard way about about "direct communication"! Don't F around with her! If u want to know why she said that rite then, ASK HER! And, TELL HER u didn't like it! That's probably all u need to do to clear the air and avoid a repetition.

However, if she laffs it off, explain clearly and calmly what will happen if she does it again. You'll turn the question around and ask HER why she STOPPED SHAVING HER ----, (add whatever u feel is appropriate), in front of the visitors! That should certainly end her snide comments!

[Wildaboutheels]

Per your second post, the handwriting is on the wall and everywhere else. For 5 years and yet, you are STILL together? If the Relationship has been in trouble since you told her...

And if you really don't know why you stay with her, she probably feels the same. Most likley you are both still together out of convenience of one type or another?

She might be fighting her inner demons as Brandy suggested over CDing. maybe she wanted to get/hoped to get your CDing out in the open hoping to get some "backup" from others, on her opinion.

Or, she is hoping to end your Relationship but is unwilling/too AFRAID to simply tell you so, and her recent remark was her trying to get the ball rolling in that regard.

To me, it looks pretty cut and dry. Clearly time for the both of you to go your separate ways. LONG overdue in fact.

[Leslie Langford]

Certainly your wife's discomfort with your crossdressing likely plays into this, and on some subconscious level, she is trying to get a "dig" in at you and embarrass you in front of your visitors in a "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" kind of way without being too obvious about hinting at your "hobby" - even if it might raise some suspicions in they eyes.

But I have always found that women seem to have a curious sense of entitlement when it comes to touching men - even strangers - that, if men exercised the same prerogative - would quickly saddle them with a sexual harassment complaint or even lawsuit.

I'm talking here about their touchy-feely ways, such as, say, even a total stranger like a cashier or restaurant server lightly touching you on the hand or forearm to make a point, or a co-worker gently brushing or resting her hand on your shoulder as she is trying to get your attention. This is likely part of the seduction mechanism that is hard-wired into the female brain to get the attention of the opposite sex, and otherwise manifests itself in such things as sideways glances, a flick of the hair, or the wiggle in the way they walk etc. Sounds as if on some level, your wife was also being flirtatious with the kinds of comments she was making.

Then again, maybe she was just trying to get your attention in front of your company and maybe even arouse a bit of guilt or jealousy in you - and what better way to get your attention than to raise the spectre of your crossdressing in your eyes, based on your past history in this regard.

[STACY B]

Certainly your wife's discomfort with your crossdressing likely plays into this, and on some subconscious level, she is trying to get a "dig" in at you and embarrass you in front of your visitors in a "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" kind of way without being too obvious about hinting at your "hobby" - even if it might raise some suspicions in they eyes.

But I have always found that women seem to have a curious sense of entitlement when it comes to touching men - even strangers - that, if men exercised the same prerogative - would quickly saddle them with a sexual harassment complaint or even lawsuit.

I'm talking here about their touchy-feely ways, such as, say, even a total stranger like a cashier or restaurant server lightly touching you on the hand or forearm to make a point, or a co-worker gently brushing or resting her hand on your shoulder as she is trying to get your attention. This is likely part of the seduction mechanism that is hard-wired into the female brain to get the attention of the opposite sex, and otherwise manifests itself in such things as sideways glances, a flick of the hair, or the wiggle in the way they walk etc. Sounds as if on some level, your wife was also being flirtatious with the kinds of comments she was making.

Then again, maybe she was just trying to get your attention in front of your company and maybe even arouse a bit of guilt or jealousy in you - and what better way to get your attention than to raise the spectre of your crossdressing in your eyes, based on your past history in this regard.

The OL Emarrassment thing is a No Hitter with Me !! I eat it like Candy ,,The worse it gets the more I like it ,, Say what you will but at the end of the day guess who don't care ,,,An that's worse than a slap in the mouth !!! LOL,,,,

[evadan]

Jillian,

You both sound unhappy. Do you have children? If not, it may be time to move on. You are beautiful and we all know you need your self expression.

I am sorry for your pain.

Eva

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jillian, Sometimes people just love to rattle others cages just to make themselfs feel better.

[JaytoJillian]

I should have been more clear. It is the attempt to "control by shaming" that has me upset. I don't mind people noticing that they are clean shaven, I have told the few who have asked that I simply like them that way. Her alluding to them being shaved because of triathalons was an untruth that could have just made things more awkward. I felt like she thought she was demonstrating that she "had something" on me and that did not sit well with me. I have not said anything and was just pulsing the board to see if I am reading this right.

[Chickhe]

The best answer to something like that is to respond with 'someday I'll have to get you out exercising with me, your backside is getting a little large!'... you say it as a joke, but it puts her in her place and lets her know two can play the same game. Too bad it makes the others feel uncomfortable. I would mark it off as stress...something is eating at her but she's not going to tell you unless you ask her...with my wife its usually happens about every month and she acts a little unpredictable...so I just avoid her for a while.

[Beverley Sims]

A little bit of power play going on here.
I would respond appropriately.

[Tina B.]

Sorry, but your wife is mean, plain and simple. You ask, if she is that unhappy, why hasn't see left you, I've got ask the same of you. You say things went from bad to worse, and has been that way for 5 years, that's two years longer than my first marriage lasted, because we where both unhappy. at 68 I still say life is just to short to spend it being miserable, and after that much time, what do think is going to change. I never recommend break ups, but on the other hand, I do think a person owes it to them self to at least try to find happiness in life. After all when it's over, it's over, so don't waste it.
Tina B.

[reb.femme]

You might pull off to the side and ask her...What are you trying to prove? Hope I'm not sounding too harsh...

Hi Jillian,

I go with Miranda on this one, and Brandy likewise was very thoughtful overall.
Without asking the question, everything else is pure supposition.

My wife teases me sometimes but never so bitterly, in fact I would be mortified if she did. Plus, she now has her sister as a confidante, which has certainly eased her feelings of enclosure with my/our secret.

Reb

[Gaby2]

Tough call, Jillian - I'm glad I viewed your lovely hotel post first - it's reassuring to see you so confident and happy!
You and your wife might be drifting irretrievably apart, but maybe you're not...

I regret losing my wife and best friend of about twenty years - and she still doesn't understand why I had to leave her.
I am sure now, that our break-up was mostly caused by "my inability to communicate", whatever that means.

Firstly I didn't really know anything about CDing... there was just this "desire" - at least you're way ahead of me there.

Secondly, and more importantly, my Ex and I didn't (or couldn't) continue to grow together as partners... because of CDing in particular.
Indeed, after she had busted me in a horrific manner, CDing became a reoccurring and festering problem because of her heightened awareness... and my guilt-complexes.
Go get help from a third party... together with her... and because she's worth it!
Gaby

[J.Meredith]

Oh I love it!!! I should have tried that a long time ago.

[lowxr]

SO's relatives are visiting from out of town. I come home from work, change into a pair of shorts and join everyone on the deck. SO comes over to where I'm sitting and starts rubbing her bare foot briskly on my lower leg. She then asks, "So, Mr. triathalon, when are you going to stop shaving your legs, I miss the hair! I'm going to have to start rubbing HIS legs (motioning to her cousin's husband who sports a good amount of body hair)." Can you imagine me complaining about stubble on her legs and suggesting that I start rubbing her cousin's legs to get the smooth sensation that I like???? Sounds pretty boorish, right? I could tell it made the guests feel uncomfortable, but they are wayyyyy too polite to say anything.

I am athletic, but everyone knows that I am NOT a triathlete. So, did she just make this comment to make me feel uncomfortable about CDing and put me in a position of feeling the need to explain WHY I shave my legs and my armpits? She often attempts to make me feel ashamed of CDing but never in front of others. Is this a new level of the nagging meaness that I have experienced since It all came out about six years ago? All I know is that I can't continue on much longer with being judged so harshly--If my being a crossdresser makes her so miserable why doesn't she just leave?

My answer: yeah but his legs wouldn't look as good in Suntan pantyhose as mine !!!! LOL

[linda allen]

Jillian, you didn't answer my question directly but you did mention in passing in a later post that this "SO" is actually your wife, not a girlfriend. It would make things so much easier for all of us if we would all be clear on these things.

I was going to suggest that if your wife asks you in public why you shave your legs, you should say "Because my girlfriend likes them that way.", but from your later posts, I don't think that would help.

Your marriage and relationship is clearly over except for the crying. She doesn't love you and you don't love her. As a veteran of two failed marriages and one successful one of 30+ years, I can tell you it's not worth it to live in an unhappy relationship. There is someone out there who will love you for who you are or you can even live alone. You'll still be happier than what you are presenting to us.

Give it some serious thought.

[kimdl93]

Jill, why don't you ask her. It seems to me that people do stuff like that in the abscence of another outlet for what they want to say. And while you're at it, let her know how it makes you feel when she says something that - at least from your perspective - seems intentionally hurtful. This may be a difficult situation, but it may help improve on the current situation.

For the life of me, I can't imagine why anyone would claim to like hairy legs - ugh!

[Kristyn Hill]

I have a loving excepting wife or I would remind her how fast she could be replaced. You are beautiful so I know you are a goodlooking fella and another woman will not be a problem if that is what is needed. I hope she is equally attractive so she will not be sitting around after you make the final decision. I know my reaction is harsh but our exceptance is hard enough much less coming out to the one that is supposed to have our back at all times then not being responded to in that manner.

[deebra]

Jill, alot of females are born with this thing where they have to control their mate and they can get on one item and nag, nag, nag because of their insecurity and need to dominate and control. Her sadistic little leg thing just showed she wanted the power over you to show the guests and her self that she was the boss. I was married to a mean bitch that had the same mindset and I didn't want to end it either and loose everything I had worked for but we divorced and I "came back" materially and have more now and am a million times happier. You can to and enjoy total unlimited freedom as Jill. Living with someone like you described can beat you down and destroy your self worth, when you get away from them it comes back and you get the feeling back that you are a good person.

[NicoleScott]

Tell her "I'm not a triathlete, but I am trisexual - I'll try anything sexual"

[linda allen]

I have a loving excepting wife or I would remind her how fast she could be replaced. .............

alot of females are born with this thing where they have to control their mate and they can get on one item and nag, nag, nag because of their insecurity and need to dominate and control. ............

No sexist male pigs here, thank goodness!

[PetiteDuality]

Let's not overreact. It's natural that our SOs feel uncomfortable about our CDing.

She could have done it for the reasons expressed here, plus:

- A subtle way to say "I own you and I could embarrass you if I want to"
- Maybe she feels a bit conscious about others noticing your shaved legs and she felt compelled to invent the triathlon excuse, with a joke that did not go well
- She wants to send a message that she prefers hairy legs


But... Seriously? Do you want to guess what a woman meant? Just ask her, and let her know that you felt uncomfortable. It might not even be a big deal and she might not even remember the incident that is driving you crazy

[Stephanie47]

A woman has the right to change her mind! And your mind too! I am in a DADT marriage. Recently my wife was watching "America's Got Talent." I was watching baseball in another room. All of a sudden I hear her ranting and stomping through the kitchen. What? Apparently, she was watching an episode with a cross dresser, "All Beef Patty..". She made a point of saying, "That's disgusting! Men are Men and Women are Women and They should act that way!" Was she talking about me? Or has she become so accustom to DADT that she has forgotten I am a cross dresser? Or was she commenting on how "All Beef Patty" looked. I would never dress or act like "All Beef Patty." I am a refine older woman!

Anyway, I digressed Jillian. I suspect your SO may not be as accepting to cross dressing as you may think. Or, she is jealous of you. You're a darn good looking hot babe. Based on your avatar picture, your SO knows you can be a run way model. Damn, you're good looking!

[DonnaT]

I should have been more clear. It is the attempt to "control by shaming" that has me upset. I don't mind people noticing that they are clean shaven, I have told the few who have asked that I simply like them that way. Her alluding to them being shaved because of triathalons was an untruth that could have just made things more awkward. I felt like she thought she was demonstrating that she "had something" on me and that did not sit well with me. I have not said anything and was just pulsing the board to see if I am reading this right.

I think you are reading it right.

Trick is to not let her get to you. Be ready for the little "outting" comments, and come back with a quick reply to show you aren't ashamed.

Something like, "you know I'm not a triathlete, I just love the way they feel and look, especially in tights and heels."

Not many will believe the tights and heels part, and you'll get a laugh.