Do any of you ever grieve for your damaged male side?

[Vickie_CDTV]

In a matter of speaking yes. I mourn the typical male life I could have had, if only I had been able to be more of a man and less of a sissy. Being the way I am has cost me dearly when it comes to finding a woman for a relationship. I always wanted a wife and family, but at this point it is very unlikely. I remember seeing some friends I went to high school with years ago. Many of them lived very typical male lives and most had families. It is unlikely they ever had an issue with their gender role and were able to be successful at it. I really envy them.

[Beverley Sims]

I do wonder what life would have been like without Beverley.
She has occupied more than fifty percent of my life.

[Kate Simmons]

Not any more Alice. I'm happily in touch with all facets of myself.

[kristinacd55]

I absolutely grieve for him due to the damage that's been inflicted on his relationships with gg's and his marriage......

[meganmartin]

Early on I did weight heavy on the male being damaged, but have come to the point of full acceptance of myself....

[Mollyanne]

I don't grieve for my male side for many reasons because I would "bury" my male side permanently and celebrate my female side!!!!!!!!

Molly

[wanagione]

I don't grieve for my male side, i'm just me, I'm complex and as a gg i have a male side and a female side that make up ME. Each side has served me well thoughout my life. I just choose now to let my feminine side have more expression these days.

[melissakozak]

Not damaged. Different. Some of us know exactly what we are inside, and damaged is not the right word. Different is. Being different in our society has its challenges.

[Alice Torn]

Colleen an Vickie, I relate totally. I was always picked on in schools, and different, and yes, damaged by my toxic father, and brothers. I never felt loved or needed by ggs, after age 16. I have envied gg's because it seems so easy for them to have lots of admirers and friends, and so utterly hard for some of the males. I feel like making a bumper sticker that says, "SAVE THE MALES." I agree with Colleen, that dressing up as a pretty lady seems like my only hope for having a steady girlfriend, or wife. I will have to lower my standards in what i want in a GG. At my age, all the good ones are taken, or sick of men altogether, becoming lesbians, or loner women sick of men. I see in church, or high school classmates almost no singles. However, in some ways this is the best time of my life. It is the best of times and the worst of times for the world, and our nations, and for many of us!

[EllenJo]

I think EllenJo strengthens my male side. They both have their positive traits and they both have their issues at times. I have often said that being part female makes me a better man.

[Sarasometimes]

First off I don't feel my male self is at all DAMAGED! But, I view it somewhat like a friendly evenly matched tug-of-war. Both side striving to have more rope but each time one side succeeds the other side feels short-changed. I do believe that those of us near the middle of the gender continuum have added insight into how both genders think and that is very helpful in life. Currentlythe tug of war is neutral and this morning Sara will have more rope and later he will.

[ColleenA]

Comparing the replies to this thread, it seems that Alice, Vickie and I are in the minority and that the question Alice raised isn't as much of an issue as I expected. Interesting.

On the one hand, it doesn't matter - we are still part of the community here. (And I will say that unlike accusations and bickerings I see in the TS threads about whether someone is truly trans or is trans "enough" or is less than a woman for willingly identifying as trans, it's nice that I don't see arguments here about someone not being CD "enough.")

But on the other hand, this is a deep issue for me. I seriously was reluctant to post my first reply to this thread because the topic is so weighted with emotions. While simply typing up that reply, I was starting to cry and to get a huge choked-up lump in my throat. And part of the hesitation came from seeing the contrary replies from so many others. But I am glad that I did reply. Even if only a few other people can relate, it's kind of comforting to know my situation isn't completely unusual.

[~Joanne~]

Yes it is a balance and yes I do a little damage to my drab self in the sense that I buy more clothes lately for my femme side that I should be buying somethings that I need for my drab side. Being halloween though I have to take full advantage of the season and the crab things aren't really emergency things or anything alone those lines, just need new jeans at most, but other than that I am healthy, doing great, and not in conflict so I wouldn't say I am damaged.

[kimdl93]

Its no balance if a person thinks they are damaged person. If one believes that, then the problem is a matter of very poor self esteem. It suggests that being different in one respect diminishes one's value as a being. As a consequence of believing this, a person may have a diminished sense of self, may have truncated abilities to socialize with others. That's not the consequence of being transgendered, its a consequence of low self esteem.

Being transgendered is not pathology, disability nor is it a crime. We are not damaged. We have nothing to be ashamed of nor to apologize for.

[Alice Torn]

Maybe damaged was not right word for most. It fits me, and a few others here. Maybe there is the problem. We don't really know why we dress, but with some of us who are truly abused emotionally by our parents and siblings, then others, the whole person, male and female has suffered serious damage, and life is a survival thing , without knowing how to love or be loved much. I am learning, and growing very slowly, but since moving bacjk, to to help my resentful, miserable, abusive father, all the issues i thought i had mastered, are back alive and well again. Mine is a highly unusual situation, though.

[becky77]

I can relate to some of Colleens story, except I found a loving wife. I don't really identify with having separate male and female sides, I am me. But me doesn't fit in the world so I live as a man. As a man I have suffered horrendous low confidence and extreme low self esteem. No one understood me as a child and I hid from the world, made to feel my secret was dirty and wrong. I understand these things now but how can I love my male side when all I see is what is not female? I'm better now than I ever was but my male side is damaged from years of self loathing.

[sometimes_miss]

<snip> Part of me hurts deeply that the only way to have a woman in my life is to pretend to be one. Meanwhile, I feel what I have always felt - that as a man, I am emotionally stunted at five years old.

That seems to be a similar thing to what I feel; only backwards. I feel like a 14 year old girl, waiting to become a woman. It's a kind of 'frozen in time' thing, and I've gotten a lot of letters over the years by people stating they feel similar. Only....I don't feel like I have 'sides' to myself, I always feel like the same person: A girl, playing the part of a guy in a play that never ends. The only temporary escape is....intermission, when I dress and can be who I really am. So I don't think grieve is quite the right word, because I don't know if the 'male' me ever really had a chance, as my world changed to believing I was a girl when I was six.

[Melody Phillips]

I don't think of my male side as being damaged. I feel it it being enhanced by the richness of my female side.

[Anna Lorree]

I grieve for my wife, and for our marriage. I don't expect it to survive my GID.

Anna

[Vanessa5]

I used to believe that my femme side was the damaged side but now I am a whole person. All the things that were bad and caused me pain were part of this obsession with womens clothes. I have now accepted this as who I am and have found balance and a new found happiness.

[kimdl93]

Maybe damaged was not right word for most. It fits me, and a few others here. Maybe there is the problem. We don't really know why we dress, but with some of us who are truly abused emotionally by our parents and siblings, then others, the whole person, male and female has suffered serious damage, and life is a survival thing , without knowing how to love or be loved much. I am learning, and growing very slowly, but since moving bacjk, to to help my resentful, miserable, abusive father, all the issues i thought i had mastered, are back alive and well again. Mine is a highly unusual situation, though.

Alice, I know your situation was terrible. It's certainly possible that the abusive environment contributed to your transgenderism...but it's equally possible that the two are coincidental. And your whole being would probably bear scars regardless of how you dress. Yours is a terrible situation and my heart goes out to you and others who've endured such abuse. That inner child can heal, though, with time. Even in the presence of that sick and probably similarly wounded old man. I wish you a measure of peace.

[Brianna612]

For me, there's no male or female side. I'm always myself, I don't see it like two sides.

Make that four votes for Saffron's reply.

When I was young I struggled with the desire to dress but now I have incorporated my dressing into every aspect of my life to the point that this is who I am.

[Kaz]

Alice, I know your situation was terrible. It's certainly possible that the abusive environment contributed to your transgenderism...but it's equally possible that the two are coincidental. And your whole being would probably bear scars regardless of how you dress. Yours is a terrible situation and my heart goes out to you and others who've endured such abuse. That inner child can heal, though, with time. Even in the presence of that sick and probably similarly wounded old man. I wish you a measure of peace.

I just want to add to Kim's comment... Alice, you have been through an experience many of us could never relate to, and I can only imagine and try to empathise with... but hopefully this acceptance of you as a whole person with all these different facets will help you build your own self-acceptance. I feel for you a lot and wish I could help more than through these seemingly (to me at least) inadequate words...

I tend to agree with Saffron and those seeking that 'wholeness' of being... but yes, I have always thought that my male self was inadequate and at times even worthless... My wife hates it when I get 'maudling' (sorry if that's a Yorkshire term - it means sad and pessimistic with a strong dose of self-absorption) and I wind up apologising for anything and everything and often just for being me...

Is 'he' damaged by my CDing...? I think he was always damaged. I think Kaz has possibly saved me... or has at least allowed me to consider other possibilities into understanding who I am?

[ColleenA]

My wife hates it when I get 'maudling' (sorry if that's a Yorkshire term - it means sad and pessimistic with a strong dose of self-absorption) and I wind up apologising for anything and everything and often just for being me...

I think the word you want, Kaz, is "maudlin" - standard English, not Yorkshire slang. (Sorry, but the editor in me could not let that just slip by.)

[Alice Torn]

One thing that bothers me, is that my father, even at 91, is obsessed with legs. He married my mom because she had nice legs. Nothing else in common, though! He is obsessed with tall women, too. I have had the same fetishes. In fact, i try to emulate a very tall leggy lady. Something tells me, that he had fetishes with womens clothing too. after my mom's clothes were all removed from his house, when she was put into a nursing home, I heard him, complain, that "they took all her clothes." I have never felt comfortable around my father, since i was a teen. I felt like he was watching my legs, too! I am now agreeing with others, who say, that "I am damaged" not my male side or female side. I have had a lot of male shame, though, and low male esteem, feeling inferior to women, and guys who are strong and confident. Women don't like men with low confidence. I as a person am damaged goods, doing the best i can, in a non understanding world. Slowly gettin better, through the muddy cold trenches.