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Thread: When it came to **pass**

  1. #1
    Quietly making noise Torrey's Avatar
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    When it came to **pass**

    Perhaps this little event in my life will resonate with some of you. Maybe, just maybe, it fits into that cliche that tells us we are, essentially, the sum of our experiences. I think the equation is more complicated; that there are variables beyond the reach of measurement. It’s the old nature versus nurture argument. I’d say it’s a gumbo comprised of both. Still, I would not be who I am without the cumulative effects of everything that has happened along the way.

    I arose early one morning at the age of thirteen to find my father in one of his classic moods. He snarled at me as I walked to the kitchen. I knew it was about to hit the proverbial fan.

    “Are you a freak?” he asked.

    “Um, no,” I answered with a very weak voice.

    “Yes, you are. Joyce just called, and I know what you did last weekend. What’s wrong with you?”

    My voice caught in my throat. I could not speak. Though I could not conceive of how he found out, no doubt existed in my mind what it was he knew.

    “The next time you decide to go through some girl’s clothes and dress up like a circus freak,” he said, “you should make sure the drapes are closed!”

    Yeah, that was it.

    “An old couple next door watched you for a long time. They told Joyce’s roommate everything. Now Joyce has to find a new place to live! Do you know what you’ve done?”

    Well, as rhetorical questions go...

    Joyce was my father’s 21 year old girlfriend. Closer to my age than his (50ish), she lived in the nearest big city, about 5 hours away. Most of the time, either he went to visit her, leaving me alone, or she came to visit at our farm. She had an older, female roommate who owned the house they shared. For some odd reason, the previous weekend, I’d gone with the old man.

    I generally enjoyed being left alone for those weekends when he would visit Joyce. I did my chores, watched a lot of TV, and generally stayed out of trouble. I never threw a party; I never invited friends over; I just...was. As an only child, I had already reached a comfort zone being alone with my thoughts.

    The weekends Joyce visited us, on the other hand, were exhilarating. They would always go out dancing, drinking, and whatever else adults did in those days...and I would be alone with her clothes. I tried to be very careful putting everything back in exactly the same place, folded the same way. The problem became an overwhelming anxiety, a nervous giddiness, if you will, in anticipation of the time I would have access to dress.

    Since we lived on a farm, with our closest neighbor over a mile away, I did not learn (until it was too late) about back lighting, but I did always keep a watchful eye out on the long driveway for headlights. Only once had I been caught off guard and forced to scramble out of pantyhose and a bra before the car reached the crushed limestone of the oval drive in the yard.

    I had been up to this for over a year when we made our trip to the city. The roommate went away for the weekend. Joyce and my father, of course, headed out on the town both nights. The first night, I explored the house and only spent a minute or two in Joyce’s room. The second day, I was as bored as could be by the time they left. Within minutes, I was in the roommate’s room, and began dressing. Yes, the lights were on in the room, and it never occurred to me to close the drapes.

    By the end of the night, I put everything back where I remembered. Now, I faced my judge, jury, and executioner. He went from zero-to-psycho in the blink of an eye. He frothed at the mouth. He ranted. He raved.

    I was a freak.
    I was insane.
    I needed to be institutionalized.
    I needed medication.
    Shock therapy might work...
    Military school...
    Are you gay?
    What is wrong with you?

    Do you want to be a girl?

    What?

    A girl. Do you want to be a girl?

    And then like Peter in Gethsemane, I denied “her.” I had so vehemently denied all the other allegations, that when my father actually asked me the one question I wanted to answer (and had for years), I panicked. In retrospect, it may have been a trap. A positive answer may have been followed very quickly by electrodes protruding from various body parts. I’ll never know.
    Torrey

    "Never laugh, and you will live to regret it.
    That's what living is to me..." - Jimmy Buffett

    https://www.facebook.com/torrey.stephens

  2. #2
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    Some people will never understand or accept it. Even most of us caught up in it do not understand it. Things are getting better but we still must endure.

  3. #3
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    I can only paraphrase almostalady:

    Most people will not understand.
    Some people will not accept.
    I do not understand.
    I therefore must enjoy.
    It will get better.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    I think I understand what....I do not understand why.....I know aht is wrong with me, and I expect no one to accept it, or understand it. I wish more would accept it. I am a very accepting person, I accept gays, people with body art, people of all races, but I do not like it when anyone wants to force me to accept them. I always wondered why something like crossdressing makes some people angry...

  5. #5
    Silver Member STACY B's Avatar
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    Crap !! Yall are ALWAYS WATCHING MEEEEEEEEEEEE ,,,, You tore another page from the STACY B book ,,, Go ahead READ ONNNNNNNNNN,,,,,Might as well ,,,Cats outta the Bag ,,,Been out ,,,LOL,,,,
    Yull Find Out !!! lol,,,,

  6. #6
    What I cannot understand is why people makes such a big deal. It's only a person being happy, for Christ sake.

    Our society is THE FREAK.
    "I'm not sure. But I'll never know unless I give it a shot."

  7. #7
    Quietly making noise Torrey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saffron View Post
    Our society is THE FREAK.
    Coming from my 5'6" father..."anyone over six feet tall is a freak." Seriously, he was deranged.
    Torrey

    "Never laugh, and you will live to regret it.
    That's what living is to me..." - Jimmy Buffett

    https://www.facebook.com/torrey.stephens

  8. #8
    I suspect he wasn't into sports then. Specially NBA.
    "I'm not sure. But I'll never know unless I give it a shot."

  9. #9
    Quietly making noise Torrey's Avatar
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    You wouldn't want to hear the things he said about Kareem Abdul Jabbar
    Torrey

    "Never laugh, and you will live to regret it.
    That's what living is to me..." - Jimmy Buffett

    https://www.facebook.com/torrey.stephens

  10. #10
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    Thank you for sharing your story, Torrey. I am glad that a painful part of your life has come to pass - and is behind you.

  11. #11
    Quietly making noise Torrey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heatherdress View Post
    Thank you for sharing your story, Torrey. I am glad that a painful part of your life has come to pass - and is behind you.
    Thank you for being such an inspiration, Heather.

    The rest of the story is that he died earlier this year...from dementia. Not all of it is behind me, but I am making progress.
    Torrey

    "Never laugh, and you will live to regret it.
    That's what living is to me..." - Jimmy Buffett

    https://www.facebook.com/torrey.stephens

  12. #12
    Silver Member STACY B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saffron View Post
    What I cannot understand is why people makes such a big deal. It's only a person being happy, for Christ sake.

    Our society is THE FREAK.



    Tell ya why ? They DON'T want you to be HAPPY !! All of them want you to be Mad an Sad like them ,,, Well to BAD ,,,, They might walk around with Rocks in there Jaws an keep a chip on there shoulder but not me ,,,To DAM LATE for that with me ,,,, Be Mad if ya want ? Just be Mad over there somewhere ,,,Cuz I don't want to see it ,, An if you don't want to see what I wear good stay over there then,, So now ain't we both Content ! Can I get an AMEN ??
    Yull Find Out !!! lol,,,,

  13. #13
    Stacy I'll give you an amen but please stop changing your avatar!
    "I'm not sure. But I'll never know unless I give it a shot."

  14. #14
    Quietly making noise Torrey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by STACY B View Post
    Can I get an AMEN ??
    Amen, sugah.

    The other thing to consider is perhaps, as a lack of understanding, "they" think we are trying to fool them. If they only knew!
    Torrey

    "Never laugh, and you will live to regret it.
    That's what living is to me..." - Jimmy Buffett

    https://www.facebook.com/torrey.stephens

  15. #15
    Silver Member STACY B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saffron View Post
    Stacy I'll give you an amen but please stop changing your avatar!


    Gotta keep moving ,,,, Don't want to stop ,,,,LOL,,,,, Like to keep my peeps on there toes ,,,LOL,,, An fool that Dam Poperazzii
    Yull Find Out !!! lol,,,,

  16. #16
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    But what's with the Red Sox picture? How does a DFW Saints fan root for the Bosox? BTW, looks like a bad year for you. Last place Sox, 0-3 Saints.
    Last edited by heatherdress; 10-08-2012 at 04:17 PM. Reason: Shorten

  17. #17
    Quietly making noise Torrey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heatherdress View Post
    But what's with the Red Sox picture? How does a DFW Saints fan root for the Bosox? BTW, looks like a bad year for you. Last place Sox, 0-3 Saints.
    Ouch!
    Been a Sox fan for years. Plus, with no team in NOLA, I get to pick!!!
    Torrey

    "Never laugh, and you will live to regret it.
    That's what living is to me..." - Jimmy Buffett

    https://www.facebook.com/torrey.stephens

  18. #18
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    I wonder how many of us here could relate to that or more tramatic experience at the age of 13 when most us reach our nearly discovered female persona. Ah. 13...... I remember it well. That was the start of it all.

  19. #19
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    I was all of four years old when caught. I still remember the yelling and name calling. Then the beating. A four year old doesn't stand a chance against a raving alcoholic armed with a razor strop.

  20. #20
    Aspiring Member Susan.'s Avatar
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    Torrey, I'm a Texas girl (about 5 hours away) and that is what I have always done, deny deny deny.

  21. #21
    Junior Member lauriep's Avatar
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    My sister and I often had a heated disscussion because of this. She always says that I am sick, and that I need to seek professional help. Yet she is the one on oxygen and still smoking.

  22. #22
    Junior Member lauriep's Avatar
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    I guess what irritates me the most is when I am asked why, and I answer truthfully no onewants to listen. So I tell them if they don"t like my answer then don"t ask.

  23. #23
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Being caught and then being verbally abused like that must have put the brakes on a bit.
    I hope you are finding solace in your life now.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  24. #24
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    And of course no one said anything about the Freaks next door.... An old couple next door watched you for a long time.

    No one says anything about the Voyeurs ... just the CD's... mmmm....nice double standard again. And who's to say that they weren't making it up just to pick on Joyce????
    I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !

  25. #25
    Quietly making noise Torrey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leah Lynn View Post
    I was all of four years old when caught. I still remember the yelling and name calling. Then the beating. A four year old doesn't stand a chance against a raving alcoholic armed with a razor strop.
    Mine was violent, too...and a heavy drinker. I seriously do not know how I escaped a beating. I mean, an "argument" over what grocery store the "bad meat" came from got me whupped with the mean end of a broomstick.

    Quote Originally Posted by Megan70 View Post
    I wonder how many of us here could relate to that or more tramatic experience at the age of 13 when most us reach our nearly discovered female persona. Ah. 13...... I remember it well. That was the start of it all.
    Almost like a rite of passage...

    Quote Originally Posted by lauriep View Post
    My sister and I often had a heated disscussion because of this. She always says that I am sick, and that I need to seek professional help. Yet she is the one on oxygen and still smoking.
    It is ironic who the least tolerant people are...

    Quote Originally Posted by Beverley Sims View Post
    Being caught and then being verbally abused like that must have put the brakes on a bit.
    I hope you are finding solace in your life now.
    I continued, but in a much more careful manner. He never caught me again, but I did nearly get caught at school. That's a story for another OP. Shortly after that event, Torrey got shoved into the genie bottle, and corked for a LONG, LONG time. I would not call what I have now solace, I call it peace. I call it "ME!"

    Quote Originally Posted by Cheryl T View Post
    And of course no one said anything about the Freaks next door.... An old couple next door watched you for a long time.

    No one says anything about the Voyeurs ...
    Well, they were not making it up. I did do it. And you know what, I think every one of at one time or another "borrowed" someone else's clothes, but I don't take any pride in those actions. That part is wrong...Having said that, you picked up on the sleazy aspect. I suppose I am just lucky that it was grandma & grandpa and not some psycho deviant. BUT...how long did they watch? My father freaked out so much that it was years before I realized that I, too, was violated.
    Torrey

    "Never laugh, and you will live to regret it.
    That's what living is to me..." - Jimmy Buffett

    https://www.facebook.com/torrey.stephens

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