Peace Of Mind

[Julie]

One of the biggest struggles I've had is with being the person I want to be and being the person my family wants, especially my kids. I've anguished over this far more than I'd like to admit and it has caused a lot of stress in my life. I've felt I was in a hopeless situation because I couldn't choose one over the other.

A few days ago I was in a pretty bad state of mind. This internal battle was really getting to me and I began to believe I would have to live the rest of my life with it. That to me is pretty depressing. Finally I just couldn't think about it any more and I decided to immerse myself in the TV. I was fortunate to find some shows that caught my interest and soon I was involved in the story lines.

After a couple of hours I got up and something came over me. Suddenly I saw something, even though I had heard it many times, and it just fit. Instead of anguishing over my kids estrangement and blaming myself I looked at all the good I did for them and their mom. I was a good and loving husband, always faithful. I feel I did a great job teaching my kids the lessons they needed to learn to not just survive in this world but to thrive. I was a good provider and a good father and husband. I attended all the kid's functions, helped them through rough times and taught them good morals. I have nothing to apologize for. They are grown now and doing well. I'm very proud of them.

Now it's my time. If they choose to be part of my life I will welcome them with open arms, even if they come to me years from now. But this is my life now. I've sacrificed a lot for my family and gave up a lot of personal happiness for them. I've also experienced a lot of happiness having them in my life. But they are moving on and it's wrong of me to continue to sacrifice my own happiness just so they can enjoy a few moments with their dad as they want him to be. I need to feel happiness from within.

As I accepted this I felt inner peace for the first time in my life. I saw an end to this internal battle and the beginning of the life I've wanted to live all along. I'm not sure where this path will take me or how long it will take to get there but as long as there's light at the end of the tunnel that's all I can ask. Finally, what I've known all along sunk in and took hold. It must be my thick skull

[Holly]

Julie, congratulatons! You have something wonderful to be thankful for this year! Thanks for sharing your joy with us all.

[Elizabeth]

Julie,

I am so happy for you. I totally agree with you about your kids. I have always said "I don't own my kids, they are not my property. They only come through me". It is my job to prepare them to take care of themselves and to raise thier own children. I do not buy into any of this philosophy that says one must sacrifice everything for ones children.

I am so glad to see you come to these conclusions on your own. I beleive you have fulfilled your obligations to them. As adults none of you have any further obligations to one another. We can not always be friends with our children as adults. Sometimes they live thier lives in a way that makes our participation impossible, because of our own personal values differ too much. Sometimes we live our lives in a way that differs from their personal values. No one is at fault.

I was at first angry at being estranged from family members who do not approve of my transsexuality, including my oldest daughter who claims to accept me, but took my wife's side in the divorce. I had to accept that there is nothing I can do about it, but more importantly, there is nothing I should do about it.

Julie, you are a very strong person, a natural leader. I am sure that whatever you do with your life, you will do it in such a way that will make your children proud of you, regardless of if they can ever actually tell you. You have been an inspiration to me and many others. I beleive that as time goes on and it becomes apparent that you are not going to be manipulated by loss of affection, there will be some meeting of the minds, if even in a casual sort of way. Good luck.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[TGMarla]

You're absolutely right, of course, Julie. I don't know if this means that you're going to pursue the hormone path again, or head back into transitioning, but this kind of self-acceptance is an important step towards wherever you are going. May your path have few stones to hurt your feet. Heels hurt them quite enough.

And Happy Holidays to you.

[Stephenie]

Peace of mind. I can remember that I have always wanted it but, have never had it. Julie, I am very happy for you.

[Julie]

Thank you ladies. Your support and kind words means a lot to me.

What path I'll take I'm unsure. All I know is I want to end this inner turmoil. It's been like the opening scene from Gladiator raging inside me with one need battling another. Maybe those catapulted fireballs are what causes heartburn .

But really, I just want to end the war. There will be many casualities encountered in achieving lasting peace, some are already apparent but, as with the fire that seems to destroy a beautiful forest, we soon see beauty once again sprout out of the ground and the majestic trees and green foliage soon populate what was once a charred remains.

I need to remember that. And I need to remember that even though it hurts knowing my children are estranged from me because of this, I still love them and always will. That will be the foundation of the new forest, the new life.

[Darlene.]

[
As I accepted this I felt inner peace for the first time in my life. I saw an end to this internal battle and the beginning of the life I've wanted to live all along. I'm not sure where this path will take me or how long it will take to get there but as long as there's light at the end of the tunnel that's all I can ask. Finally, what I've known all along sunk in and took hold. It must be my thick skull

Julie... Your scull is no thicker than anyone else's hon. It is just that it takes time for something to become heart knowledge from head knowledge. You will do fine.