What did I do?

[lauriep]

I don't understand it. What did I do in life that was so bad? I have always been responsible. I help everybody as much as I can. I don't judge other people. I put my family's needs ahead of mine. I have even literally put my life on the line for others.

But no matter how hard I try I am still just some freak to my family. I get called names, belittled, and sometimes treated like dirt.

I haveseen other people do much worse. When problems happen I am the first to get called. Because I am the responsible one, or so they say. They say they love me, untill....

I just don't understand. My sister says I need help. Yet I know what will happen. Even if I go. They won't go. I know that this will be part of the process. Do they think that the doctor will have some kind of miracle drug that will cure me of my awfull disease? There is really no use in me going if I don't want to change.

What did I do wrong?

[GaleWarning]

You have done nothing wrong.
You are different and people have great difficulty in accepting people like yourself, simply as you are.
What "awfull disease" do you think (or do they claim) you have?
If it is being a CDer, the premise is false. You are not ill, nor even just a little unwell.
Accept yourself.

[Megan_Renee]

I don't understand it. What did I do in life that was so bad? I have always been responsible. I help everybody as much as I can. I don't judge other people. I put my family's needs ahead of mine. I have even literally put my life on the line for others.

But no matter how hard I try I am still just some freak to my family. I get called names, belittled, and sometimes treated like dirt.

I haveseen other people do much worse. When problems happen I am the first to get called. Because I am the responsible one, or so they say. They say they love me, untill....

I just don't understand. My sister says I need help. Yet I know what will happen. Even if I go. They won't go. I know that this will be part of the process. Do they think that the doctor will have some kind of miracle drug that will cure me of my awfull disease? There is really no use in me going if I don't want to change.

What did I do wrong?

As far as I can tell, nothing... Are they upset about your dressing? Are you planning to transition? What's the situation? (Not to pry, but advice can be very different depending on whats going on...)

[Cynthia Anne]

That is a good question Lauriep! Sometimes I think ''we'' would be better off without family and friends! But then who would THEY call when THEY need somthing! Have a great day! Hugs!

[Angela Campbell]

You sound like me. I need help too. Help with my makeup, help with shopping, help with zipping up the back of my dress.......You can't control what others do or say, only your reaction to it.

[STACY B]

Yep you do need to go to the Doctor an get a Miracle drug if ya want to change ,,, It's called HRT,, Maybe some one to talk to ,,An they will straiten it all up an make some sense out of it . Don't worry what other people say about you an what's the matter with you are they Doctors did they go to Collage ? Remember it's your life !

[Erica2Sweet]

...Yep you do need to go to the Doctor an get a Miracle drug if ya want to change ,,, It's called HRT,, Maybe some one to talk to ,,An they will straiten it all up an make some sense out of it ...

No amount of hormone therapy, surgery, or anything of the sort will help you sort out family issues. That will require honest, heartfelt communication all the way around, and a willingness to except that which is not the norm.

A therapist will NOT fix your problems for you. They will most likely show you ways in which you can become better equipped to do that for yourself.

[BLUE ORCHID]

H Laurie, I think that the real problem is with your family not you.

[Erica2Sweet]

...What did I do wrong?

I'm hesitant to offer direct advise on relationships and family disharmony, but I've been there regarding this.

One thing I will share with you is that, often, a good first step is to simply demand that your boundaries be respected. Making it known that the verbal abuse and disrespect that you are being subjected to stops immediately or there will be no further interaction with those offending family members, is one way to establish a new boundaries rule. If you decide to go this route, stick to your guns. This gives them a choice to either change the poor behavior toward you or face the reality you won't be there for them any longer.

Remember that you do have the right to be respected within your own family, and that goes for the parentals as well. Just because they raised you does not mean they have the right to discard your feelings and openly disrespect you.

[Jenny Doolittle]

I think there are a few constants that we as CD/ transgender people experience.

1- WE are who we are and being someone else because family or friends cant accept us is never going to happen if we want to truly be happy.

2. I have found that those closest to you have the biggest issue, possible because of a concern that others will think less of them because of the connection with yourself.

3. Self acceptance, and think skin to others comments is a must to be happy.

I have come to see myself as a very fortunate person in that God has given me a special chance to see life from the eyes of both genders. I know I will never ever totally be a woman, but I do feel so lucky to be able to see things from a woman's perspective much more then most men.

[Gillian Gigs]

Prejudice is learned, and the only way that it can change is by education and understanding. That will only happen once an individual is separated from the unruly mob that influences the group as a whole. To quote an old military strategy, "divide and conquer".

[Erica2Sweet]

Prejudice is learned, and the only way that it can change is by education and understanding. That will only happen once an individual is separated from the unruly mob that influences the group as a whole. To quote an old military strategy, "divide and conquer".

Isn't is safe to say that this really only works for those who are influenced predominantly by peer pressure? What about those prejudices that are learned from a very young age through the teaching of parentals? I think "Divide and Conquer" is often no match for life-long prejudices ingrained into adults since the time of their childhood.

People only change their perspective if they are willing to, even if you present them with overwhelming, concrete evidence that their position is based on incorrect assumptions and bad information. My own mother is a perfect example. She often ignores reality and substitutes her own, knowing full well what she believes is impossible given the actual facts of the matter.

Further, isolating each individual in your life that has a negative prejudice and attempting to change them is EXHAUSTING. It's not our job as sons/daughters/brothers/sisters/cousins to go around fixing other people like this, just so we can live a more comfortable life with them. If they are adults, they are responsible for doing their part in maintaining harmony in our shared relationship.

[lauriep]

I don't want to transition. I am just a crossdresser. I have been all of my life. Although I wouldn't mind growing my own breasts that would help complete the look.

I have had long discussions with my family about this, and it is ok for a while. Then out of the blue it all blows up again. Usually when I haven't even done anything.

[KellyJameson]

You were born into a world filled with irrational fears and when people are afraid they attempt to deal with their fears by controlling that which they think causes the fear and in this case it is you (disgust is a fear reaction)

The only real choice you have is to not allow yourself to be a victim of it.

You cannot earn love and acceptance from people who are cruel, trying to will only reward their cruelty and so increase it.

People need their illusions to feel safe and someone who crossdresses violates those illusions because in their mind you are giving up the good (strength/masculinity) and imbracing the bad (weakness/femininity) so there must be something wrong with you and in their minds usually it is related to sex.

There are people in the world who have moved beyond being controlled by fear and you will know them because they have a quiet strength and deep appreciation for life

Continue with "respect for self" to find and live the life that is meant just for you.

What people do to you feels personal but it really is only about them and you are unfortunately being the one used as a target (projection) for their fear.

[Sarah Doepner]

I just don't understand. My sister says I need help. Yet I know what will happen. Even if I go. They won't go. I know that this will be part of the process. Do they think that the doctor will have some kind of miracle drug that will cure me of my awfull disease? There is really no use in me going if I don't want to change.

What did I do wrong?

It's unfortunate that your sister doesn't understand that the help you need is something she could supply with an open heart and a willingness to be understanding. You have done nothing wrong, and if fact did several things right by accepting yourself, trusting them (even though they couldn't respond the way we would prefer), and then looking for other resources, like this site, to help you handle the disappointment.

[Barbra P]

I just don't understand. My sister says I need help. Yet I know what will happen. Even if I go. They won't go. I know that this will be part of the process. Do they think that the doctor will have some kind of miracle drug that will cure me of my awfull disease? There is really no use in me going if I don't want to change.

Hi Laurie

The most likely thing to happen if you go to a Doctor seeking help is that you will be referred to a Therapist trained to deal with the TG. My own Physician referred me to a Counselor working in her Family Practice Module; after a two-hour session the Counselor referred me to a Therapist in the Psychiatric Department. At the start of the first session with the Therapist she said that if I was there seeking a “cure” for crossdressing I was wasting my time, but if I was seeking understanding and acceptance of myself than she was there to help me.

A Therapist can’t solve your family problems but they might be able to help you better cope with your family. A Therapist may also be able to help you understand and accept that you are a crossdresser. A Therapist may also be able to determine just where in the TG spectrum you fall, something you probably don’t know yourself at this stage. But for you to get any real benefit out of therapy you need to be completely honest and up front with your Therapist, something many people are unable to do.

Being TG, and that includes crossdressing, is a medical condition but it is not some awful disease. I believe you will feel better about yourself and have an easier time dealing with family members if you get some professional help. I've been seeing my Therapist for about a year and a half and I look forward to my sessions. I have a session tomorrow and my only problem is how I want to dress for the session, drab or enfemme, either way I will enjoy seeing my Therapist.

[AllieSF]

I agree with Laurie. If they want you to respect and help them, they need to respect and support you. I will call that tough love. It won't be easy, but maybe just standing your ground a little more often will help them to better understand that you are who you are and their on again - off again ridicule and lack of respect for you is wearing thin and may affect family long term relations. Good luck

[Beverley Sims]

You have done nothing wrong, avoid sharing it with others less accepting and distance yourself from them.

[EllieOPKS]

Laurie - The golden rule runs in both directions. You might say to your family something of the nature "I think I will find another group of nicer people to hang out with" and walk away for a while. If they have any true character they will come to you for your forgiveness.

just my thoughts

[Jorja]

When problems happen I am the first to get called. Because I am the responsible one, or so they say. They say they love me, untill....

What did I do wrong?

You my dear, have done nothing wrong. I am sorry you have to put up with such close minded, bigoted people even if it is your family. There is one way you can get some the crap to stop. When they call wanting help, say no (it is really easy to say, N-O). Let them figure out their own problems from now on.

[Erica2Sweet]

You were born into a world filled with irrational fears and when people are afraid they attempt to deal with their fears by controlling that which they think causes the fear and in this case it is you (disgust is a fear reaction)

The only real choice you have is to not allow yourself to be a victim of it.

You cannot earn love and acceptance from people who are cruel, trying to will only reward their cruelty and so increase it.

People need their illusions to feel safe and someone who crossdresses violates those illusions because in their mind you are giving up the good (strength/masculinity) and imbracing the bad (weakness/femininity) so there must be something wrong with you and in their minds usually it is related to sex.

There are people in the world who have moved beyond being controlled by fear and you will know them because they have a quiet strength and deep appreciation for life

Continue with "respect for self" to find and live the life that is meant just for you.

What people do to you feels personal but it really is only about them and you are unfortunately being the one used as a target (projection) for their fear.

Yes! I so want to be your friend!

[Barbara Ella]

You have a lot of good information here. The most important thing that you really need to take to heart. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. The sooner you can get rid of that thought, the happier you will be. This is where the therapist can help. Not with the family.

Family is very often the most irrational in these situations. My wife says that if it was a friend that came out as a crossdresser she could totally support and help them. But not me, too close. Go figure.

You need to set your boundaries and demand them to do the same. You take responsibility for yourself first. You need to make sure you are taken care of. Hurts, but they dont deserve your help if they dont reciprocate.

Barbara

[Alice Torn]

Family can be hell on earth for some of us. I am 58, back to my toxic family of origin again. My worst nightmare come true! Having to go through all the old crap again. Life is hard, that's all i can say. One day, or minute at a time. Take heart, that me, and others are going through similar hell.

[Angela Campbell]

What did you do wrong? NOTHING! If everyone else was wearing blue shoes but you wore green shoes is that wrong? Some of us do things that are counter to what society demands of us. We are the black sheep. I have been the black sheep of my family all of my life. And none of them know of my transgenderism (yet) I wonder how that would effect them? You choose an appearance that is different from the norm, you are the nail with its head up a little and everyone wants to bang you back in place. The view of most in our world is "individualism is great as long as we all do it together"! I have less issues with being insulted or hated than I do with ridicule, but that was learned from a young age.