I came out to my wife of 35 years two months ago. After the stream of emotions, she seemed to settle down into acceptance of my CD, then, today she gave me a choice, destroy all clothes or she will leave and tell our kids the truth! Has anyone else experienced this before? I did not conceal my CD from her because I had only recently figured it out myself. This obviously puts me in a difficult situtation. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
You could tell your kids yourself, and then that leverage would be gone.
Threatening to tell the kids sounds like a bluff to me. If you'd been hiding it and lying that would be one thing, but it sounds like you did the right thing by being forthright. She needs to understand that for most CD's it isn't something you can just give up and forget. For most of us, the destroyed clothes would be replaced sooner or later.
Your wife is in her 60s (?) and I believe it is more difficult for women of this generation to accept the CDing. She grew up in an era where even homosexuality was thought of as being a mental deficiency.
I suggest that you agree to pack away your clothing for the time being, but tell her that you are not throwing them out. Tell her that you need her to update her definition of cross-gender expression because it is not the perversion she thinks it is. She needs to understand that you are gender non-conforming, you have been for some time even though you haven't dressed, and this is not going away. You need not establish rules or boundaries about the CDing at the moment since you are giving her time to learn, but you both need to talk about this frequently.
Another observation or question: if she is willing to throw away a 35 year marriage because you told her that you wish to wear women's clothing, there must be other, unresolved issues in your marriage. You might consider determining what those are with a marital counselor, and strengthening you marriage first before you tackle the difficult issue of cross-gender expression.
I don't recommend telling your kids at this point, simply because you and your wife are so far apart on your understanding of the CDing. They will only see her pain no matter what you tell them, and this may bias them against the CDing.
Reine
I don't do well with ultimatums, do you?
Suggest that she join here, at least to read and learn about this aspect of you. Tell her this doesn't go away and that eventually you will do it again with or without her approval.
Perhaps counseling might be a good idea.
Define "normal"
It is a really tough situation for you and I feel your pain. I have a similar issue but without the long legacy of marriage and children together. I'll PM you a message I sent to another member in a similar position.
There are lots of emotions and questions going through your wife's head at the moment so understandably the easiest thing for your wife to do is to shut of the thing that is causing them , it seems that it is quite common for a wife/so to go through a process of shock then some acceptance for the sake of the marriage/relationship then back into un acceptance while all the questions and possibilities of what it might mean are racing through her head , as suggested it would be a good idea for you to hold back on the CDing at the moment and wait for the right opportunity for you and your wife to have a chat about it and sort something out that will suit you both .
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne
Sorry to hear you have such a choice to make. You must be very disappointed.
I think life without crossdressing can be a lot of fun, but you will have a hard time either way: regaining trust & avoiding resentment, or losing a relationship.
We all sympathize. If you decide to quit, I'd advise quitting this site as well, and immersing yourself with other friends & projects. If you stay here, we'll support you, but of course we are only on line, not there in person.
Lainie
You're only young once, but you can be immature forever!
I would suggest lots of private time for the two of you to sit down and discuss it together and or with a counselor. Its a big blow to her as I went throught the same with mine .to as the point were we both went thru my clothing and got me out of a cyndi lauper phase and turned me towards dressing business like. Not sure if you have a group meeting in your area of the tri ess. If your serious about her being in your life theres gonna have to be some comprimise there. Wishing you luck sweetie.
Renee
This appears to be the week of disclosures and ultimatums concerning long term marriages and cross dressing. SnowPrincess, I posted my opinion on a thread started by Jayne. You also posted to that thread. I see your 69 and married 35 years. Anyone who has been married so long (me, 49+) really should have some idea of the woman he is married to. I think you have to do some reflection as to where you and your wife have been for the last 35 years. I am assuming you are retired at 69.
My wife was not happy to discover I am a cross dresser, although early on in my marriage there was some bedroom play with lingerie and hosiery. When she and I both discovered my greater interest, well, that killed acceptance of lingerie play in the bedroom. Off and on she has had to voice her objection in some manner. Just recently she made a comment concerning an episode of America's Got Talent. I could not tell if her barb at the contestant was a dig at me or she has become so comfortable with cross dressing, she forgot I cross dress. I never bring the subject up at all. I do not under dress at all in front of her. I do wear on occasion a pair of very plain nylon white panties under my PJ's. She has found an undergarment or two that I had not sequestered after my en femme time. She told me where is placed the offending undergarments; a red bra and white panty.
A number of years ago, when we were arguing over a non cross dressing issue, she told me, if we ever divorced she would tell our children and the world and destroy me. Later, she said she would not do that, even if we divorced. Of course, I really do not trust her. I have said in many posts that the wife hold the 'nuclear bomb,' i.e., my husband is a cross dressers, sigh, poor me! I hold a bow and arrow. It's not a fair fight. However, after your wife tells your kids, "What the heck can she do to you?????" Her leverage is over. Then it is up to your children to weigh the 35 years of your marriage and child rearing against the fact you like to wear women's clothing.
Yes. if you decide to assert your desires, you may be divorced. And, there will be economic consequences too; split the pensions, sell the house, etc. I have viewed my life as to what have I given up in forty years of marriage. I relocated from the east coast to the west coast so she could be near her family. I gave up my aspirations to try for a job that is truly non existent on the west coast. We live in the house she wanted, which, later she said she really did not like but she felt it was that or never living in a house at all. We attended the church of her denomination until she decided to not attend. She went to school at the encouragement of her friends, coworkers, family and I, only to decide she couldn't hack it. Five years of time and dollars down the drain. So, all of those things of the scale of marriage are balanced in her favor. What do I have left? My desire to seek relief from war related PTSD by wearing women's clothing on occasion. I demand no participation. I just want my privacy.
So, if my wife of forty years were to tell me to purge my wardrobe or hit the road, I'd hit the road. I would rather start over at my age and live the remaining years of my life without the 'nuclear peril' continuously over my head.
You need to assess where you and your wife have been over the past thirty five years, and, where you and her are going in the future. Frankly, her demands do not seem to offer any future for you at all.
If I was in this position I'd at least try explaining that 'giving it up' rarely seems to be possible. She might not want to hear it, or believe it, but I'd at least want to say so.
When you see your ship go sailing...
SnowPrincess, I had a very similar experience. In my 50s and after 20+ years of marriage I finally figured out what this "inordinate interest" in things feminine actually was! I knew what a "crossdresser" was, but it hadn't even crossed my mind that I might be one!Originally Posted by SnowPrincess
Some people have a problem with this concept. They question how we could have gone decades without understanding that we were CDers. They think that the only explanation is that we were being deceptive and really understood what was going on all along. Frankly I don't have a good way to explain it to someone who has not had a similar experience themselves.
In your situation, I think that you really need much more time to discuss this with your wife. An ultimatum is not a sign of a healthy marriage and might mean that there are other issues to discuss. During that two months did you discuss CDing at all? If not, perhaps she is feeling what many of our spouses feel, the isolation of not being able to discuss the secret with others.
I think that my spouse has profited from being member here, and that might something that your wife could try. I also joined a CD group that is very inclusive of spouses and this allows her to discuss issues with other GGs who are in her situation.
I don't advise disposing of your wardrobe, but you might keep it out of sight and perhaps locked up until the crisis passes.
As far as telling your grown children, what real harm would that do? I think that it is a rather empty threat and may have been made in the heat of emotion. Your response might well be "I think that it might be a good idea to tell them."
Take it slowly and talk to each other a lot. With communication it will get better.
Hugs, Eryn
I don't have any information about your kids to suggest how they might react to such news, but I am assuming they at least are adults (or nearly so), which means they can respond as they choose, hopefully without having to "pick sides."
If only our families and friends could be as supportive as our bras!
Reine, as usual, you have very good ideas. The only thing I can add is a standard suggestion of marriage counselling with a duly qualified licensed and nonjudgemental therapist
I don't know how to square these ideas. On one hand, it is probably best for the kids to hear about Dad's crossdressing from Dad directly rather than the angry wife. If it isn't important to them, it will make the wife look foolish. On the other, it may alienate his children. However, I wouldn't put it past the unhappy wife to use the crossdressing and likely other real or perceived misdeeds to alienate the (probably adult) children from their father. I've seen it happen with other marriages without crossdressing being involved. One wife was acrimonious until she passed away. The acrimony usually stops after a year or so from what I understand, but keeping it up until the death of one ex doesn't do anyone any favours.
If all of the children are level headed enough to stay strictly on the fence, that would go some way to level out the nastiness. It would be interesting to see if one or more tells their parents the crossdressing isn't worth breaking up over.
If it comes to a breakup, SnowPrincess, never make negative comments about your wife to your children. That will only confuse what will likely be a devastating situation for them. There is never a downside to taking the high road in these situations.
About the kids: no matter how old they are, they hate to be put in the middle between conflicting parental issues. They don't want to pick sides. And if one party is feeling particularly injured (as I imagine your wife is given the strength of her reaction), it puts the kids in an even more difficult position. They may feel they need to pick sides with one parent and not with the other and this is difficult to navigate. Who do they feel closest to?
This is why I suggest waiting until you and your wife have at least reached a closer understanding of what the CDing means (even if she is not happy with it), before telling them. I get the impression that right now she thinks it is a perversion. If, however, your wife is bent on telling them, then I agree that you should be the one to explain it to them. But I don't think you should tell them "to get to them first" under the present circumstances, if you can get your wife to agree that the two of you need to work a few things out before the kids are told.
Reine
SnowPrincess, we have a very similar situation relative to discovering our true nature very late in life. My revelation came one year ago at age 65. Nothing before that time. We were married 41 years at the time. Wife went from being hurt and confused to total acceptance and participation ( within 3 weeks of learning) to total DADT ( two months into it) to being interested but not able to see me dressed (4 months in, to date). All the while supporting the idea that I need to do this and wanting me to do it, and to go out, with restrictions of course, but not seeing me dressed, and continual reassurance I will not do something that would out me to the community and children.
The importance of relating this is to reassure you that just 2 months into this, your wife's feelings are in no way settled, and her statements will very likely be modified or retracted in time as she considers things. ReineD is right. Now is not the time for you to take any kind of action. Your wife should be given some time to let her emotions settle. Do not give in to her ultimatum. I agree that putting things away and not dressing as part of a compromise where she agrees to educate herself and talk with you and learn exactly what this means to you, and what you can and cannot do about it. Do not promise never to dress again. Be honest and open. My wife is of the same generation, yet intellectually she is accepting. Emotionally she feels that this could take her man away,and she cannot adjust to that easily. I do not know your wife, but please give her time. I hope she is willing to compromise.
The one thing my wife realizes is that I did not conceal this. I hope your wife feels the same way. You need an honest conversation with her about her feelings. This is still all so new and still confusing to us both. We are trying to figure it out. I know I cannot go back, and I doubt that you can either. It is still too early for ultimatums, I hope you can make your wife see that and agree to take some time.
Like I say, I am still learning and adjusting. If you would like to discuss particulars, please PM me whenever.
Barbara
He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
- Friedrich Nietzche -
I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.
If she is even thinking of telling the kids, then you should tell them yourself, you might even want to put some pictures on your facebook page. My wife tried to blackmail me into giving her what she wanted, she even wanted me to buy a new house, maxed out my credit cards to buy furniture for her boyfriend/lover, and many other things. Later, she threatened to tell the judge and try to force supervised visitation unless I agreed to stop seeing the kids. When I took a short-term gig in New York, she waited until I was there for about a week, then called and asked me for pictures of Debbie because she had told my kids about my dressing - and they didn't believe her. I told her I'd handle it, and told the kids it was true over the phone, but I loved them and wanted them to be happy, and be good for their mom and "Dad Jerry". They decided then and there that they didn't care, they loved me and I loved them. Worse, my son got even more defiant toward "Dad Jerry" - and right after that I got a letter from my ex-wife telling me she wanted to put my son in a foster home. I told her that if she couldn't handle BOTH of the kids, I'd come back, and give the letter to the judge, and move the kids up to Denver where I could get a higher paying job. She agreed not to ever make that threat again, verbally or in writing. I talked to my son and told him that I understood that he wanted to be loyal to me, but since I couldn't be there, would he do me a favor and climb into "Dad Jerry's" lap and give him a hug and a kiss and tell him all the things he would have told me? He agreed, but said "Jerry doesn't like to be touched" - I had him put Jerry on the phone, told Jerry that he had the choice of letting Nick climb up into his lap, giving him a hug, and letting him say whatever he wanted, or I would take BOTH of the kids as soon as I got back. They agreed, a month later, they were getting along great, my son and daughter would both tell me about all the fun things they did with Dad Jerry, and out of habit referred to me as Dad Rex.
Once I realized that the marriage was already going south, I told her I would not buy a house, and rented a duplex - more room at lower rent than the apartment we had before. I did agree to pay a little extra for day care, to make sure that Leslie wouldn't go nuts, but it turned out that Jerry became the "Day Care". Of course, that's not what he told the folks at disability.
The most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open. She may fear that you want to transition, that the marriage might be annulled because same-sex marriages are not legal in some places, and there are a whole bunch of legal, property, health care, and tax rights she would lose if you transitioned.
The other thing to do is always keep reminding her that you love her, that she is the one you have loved and chosen all these years. You also want to let her know that it's up to her how much she wants to participate WITH you. You might even be able to make it more interesting for her if you let her have more control over the "Princess", you might even want to let her pick your name, pick out clothes for you, and let her know it's OK for her to wear the pants, since you are wearing the skirt.
If you get divorced, you BOTH lose, and she may not be aware of how MUCH you could both lose. California is a Community Property state, which means that both of you would have to cut your lifestyle significantly. As older people (you've been married 35 years), you would have a much harder time getting credit, and it would generally be really unpleasant for both of you. Furthermore, if she really decides to divorce you, she could lose even MORE if you did start living en femme full time.
The other alternative is to tell her that you will do ANYTHING to have her accept you, and your dressing, and really mean it. That would be total surrender. A very dangerous game, because you could end up losing everything and then end up on the street yourself.
The most important thing is to let her know that divorce is not an option, and burning the dresses is not an option. You took the vow, till death do us part, and that's the agreement you will honor. If she wants out, she has to kill you, and she won't be acquitted. I told my second wife that if we got married, the only way out was if one of is died, and she wouldn't be acquitted. If I committed suicide, she would lose half my life-insurance money.
We still have issues about transition. After my father died last year, I started thinking about that more seriously, went back to gender counseling, and even started some hormones, but it's been a "go slowly", and I still need to work as a male. Even though I wear women's pants, shoes, and panties, and a camisole (designed to keep things from showing too much), but I still wear a loose baggy men's shirt and a men's suit jacket - my "purse with sleeves" as my wife calls it. Most of the facial hair is gone. I have to admit, my biggest fear is not that I'd lose loved ones as a result of transition, but rather that I would go through transition, and then end up being a fat, ugly, old, lady, and end up not being able to be pretty because I'm too old and wrinkly. As it is, I have to wear wigs, because even when I grew my hair out and had it permed, I'd lost hair on my crown and forehead, so I couldn't quite pass. Though I DID have men check to make sure they were in the right bathroom when they walked in, and there were several times that women told me I was going the wrong way as I walked toward the men's room.
I can not thank all of you enough. As a person that has recently discovered this personal secret and the attempting to deal with it and a wife's emotions, I have felt very alone. Despite my age, I am not retired so I have both a profession to protect and very limited time to explore this side of myself. All of you have given terrific support and advice. It is comforting to know that my experience is not unique and hopefully my wife will learn to accept. She is 62 and of the generation that still sees this as a perversion. The irony is that she has her masters degree in family therapy and counseling! As some of you have experienced, she believes that I am no longer the strong man that she married and always looked up to.
I will give her time to cool down and hope that she will understand, however, I will not allow her to give the ultimatum. I only hope that one of these days she will take the time to read and learn more but for now, her mind is closed and she refuses to even consider the possibility.
Thank all of you for being there and allowing me to vent!
If there's one thing I hate, it's when someone tries to back me into a corner. That's when any animal is at it's worst, and there has to a happy medium. In any relationship both parties have to be happy. I don't know your full story but I am sure that you could find some way you both can be happy without opening that can of worms.
Let the roller coaster ride begin. Reading your post is a re-run of my experience 4 years ago. It may sound like a broken record of the posts already entered here. But here gos anyway.
I proved to her that I am still the same man she married. I still treat her like the queen of the house, that she is. She didn't threaten to tell the children, which are grown adults. But I told them myself. They were very open to it. They accually thought it was cool that there dad is a crossdresser. So I had that bit of leverage. I also told my brother and sister of my other lifestyle. Even they were eccepting of me. After all that, its just an egg walking experience. Be ready at anytime for the fireworks to start. It is a give and take ordeal. I'm not real good at writing a big long essay on my experience. But time will prevail. I hope for you.
I have it under control now with my wife. She gives me dress-up time and occasional outtings en fem. Shes a real sweetheart. We even dress together sometimes. I guess the bottom line to my rant, is take it slow and easy and never let her forget that you still love her dearly. I hope things work out for you honey. Daviolin
[SIZE="6"]
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A CD AND HIS WARDROBE, ITS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
It's not going to happen through osmosis, SnowPrincess. "Giving someone time" usually means "sweeping it under the carpet". You do need to engage in meaningful and repeated conversation about this. But, do work on strengthening other areas in your marriage first, to prepare the ground for mutually respectful conversations.
Reine
wow i hope my wife doesnt do this to me when we are older im sorry that this is happening
to snowprincess i have no doubt that what you told your wife about the fact that you were in fact a crossdresser came as a bit of a shock after 35 yrs of marriage but her threat to tell the kids is to my way of thinking very unfair and to ask you to destroy your clothes is wrong.if your inner feelings are strong enough regards to you being a cd then my advice would be to tell your kids the truth about what you are they will understand as you are there dad after all and you have as far as i know been honest by telling you wife and not going behind her back. i hope it all turns out right for you. mine did after 45yrs of marriage so go for it princess. davinax
davina
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