Have you ever tried to put you CD self away?

[StephanieT]

Have you ever tried to put you CD self away? Ever tried to deny you are a crossdresser? Have you ever tried to detemine if you marriage problems are your desire to CD or something else? Are money issues keeping you from Divorce?

Over the last year, I have come out to my wife. She has told me no way no how she will be married to a crossdresser. I have tried to put Steph away. Tried to deny who I am. Trying to save my marriage. Tried to not cost myself $500,000 dollars in a divorce settlement. I think I have determined that my marriage is totally screwed up and way beyond the crossdressing issue. I am finding it really hard to put Steph away, I am who I am. And the money, just screw it. Life is too short to be unhappy!!! Plus our separation has provided me peace in my life. On top of that I can shave, wax my brows without a hassle.

[chrismy]

very sorry to hear, it is really amazing to me that so many of our lives have the same threads.. best wishes for your future, hon!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Stephanie, I suspect that there was a whole lot more involved than the CD thing .
Some times these things happen.

CDing is like the Mafia, You just can't quit.

[sinderella]

Sindee has never been put away...that being said. I sympathize with your current situation. I can only imagine what must be flooding your mind in idle moments. The money would be a tough one in itself... but the extent a woman who feels she has been scorned will go to can be a trying state of affairs onto itself. Will she try to humiliate you to your friends, family, business associates? It's not a question per se, more like thinking out loud. I know what my mind would be turning over in your situation. I wish you the very best Stephanie and hope that she can and will be mature through these times for both of your sakes.

[Saffron]

I've been in denial for almost 30 years and I can tell you that you can ignore it and even be happy, but in the end you will always regret it.

[Karren J]

I guess the questions are these:

1) Do you really want to save your marriage?
2) If saved will that bring a lasting happiness that you will be content with?
3) How much is you happiness worth? not just the freedom to dress as you choose but actual happiness. I'm talking true joy in who you are, who you are with and how you are with them
4) If you save the marriage are you repeating a pattern that will happen again?

A good friend is finally after 5 years and 3 previous attempts is getting divorced, it takes a huge amount of internal fortitude to walk that path if you choose it. You might want to consider some counseling for your self, not the we can fix it stuff but a sounding board as to what the correct decision is for you. Good luck!

[Angela Campbell]

You have to wonder if it can be fixed. Once the secret is known it cannot be undone. Crossdressing is like being an alcoholic.....if you are one then it is forever. Even if you promise not to ever dress again...and stick to it...in her mind you will always be the crossdresser.

[docrobbysherry]

I don't understand folks who stay in bad marriages while their life clock is ticking away! Denial is NOT rational reasoning! Once I realized my ex didn't love me anymore, I never considered any option other than divorce. Sherry showed up later!

[Stephanie47]

Stephanie, I am able to put my Stephanie away each summer when my wife is off work for ten weeks. Of course, I know after the summer I will be able to dress again. My wife and I are in a DADT marriage, which is fine with me. My cross dressing is an in-home private affair. I've posted elsewhere within the last several days my take on spouses who demand an end of cross dressing. Is there other things troubling in the marriage? I'm about a decade older than you. If my wife were to decide to make a demand that I end my cross dressing, then I'd terminate the marriage. Yes, she would get half my pension and we would sell the house, but, at least I would be free of stress. However, I always recommend counseling. But, if the counseling is nothing more than to fix blame for a failed marriage on your cross dressing, then that isn't counseling. I stopped joint counseling for an issue totally unrelated to cross dressing, when my wife decided everything wrong was my fault and she refused to recognize her issues. And, those issues predate our forty year marriage.

[Tara D. Rose]

StephanieT, I thought you lived alone?

[Diane Maple]

I've been in denial for almost 30 years and I can tell you that you can ignore it and even be happy, but in the end you will always regret it.

Yea, for me it was like 25 years but, I just want to be me. I think it causes issue to hold parts of yourself back too much. It just comes out in other places and other ways. Marriage issues as far as I can see are about two people growing apart, loosing a real connection. It can be hard. If it gets real bad as it did for me for a few years ago it takes a LOT of work to come back... never have fully. Sharing the cross dressing with my SO for me, was soft of a... I love my SO but, if she doesn't accept me I'm okay with that... I want to be me and enjoy my short life / time on this earth. I hope my SO is still with me in a few years. If not I will still have lived my life how I wanted to.

I'm sorry things aren't working out with your SO. At least you get to live your life how you want to now :-) Be happy, do what you enjoy, be safe, life is short live to it's fullest w/o causing yourself harm which will make it less enjoyable ;-p

:-D

[Amy A]

I was about 19 years in denial (from 13 onwards). It made me depressed and with strong feelings of self hatred. It's different for everyone but I think if you identify this part of yourself as a problem that must be controlled and repressed, it can take a big toll on your self esteem, because you are essentially accepting that you are 'damaged' in some way.

Ultimately your wife doesn't value your marriage enough to tolerate, let alone accept this. I think you are doing the best thing for you both.

[kartneyann]

I tried to stop once my kids were born, didnt work very well, im much happier when dressed when not so just started back up after about 6 months and finally told the SO about a month ago.

[Beverley Sims]

Sometimes marriage breakups seem very hard, but if both parties end up happier maybe it was not meant to be.

[Sara Jessica]

Whatever kind of TG one is, I dare to say that it falls short of being compatible with marriage when measured against full acceptance.

Even though the motivations are different, I wouldn't expect putting the CD away to be any easier than it would be for me to "put my TS away" for the sake of my marriage, something which I am seriously contemplating.

The variables you describe reflect being true to one's self, money, separation, etc. You acknowledge there are other issues present aside from the CD'ing thing. But what about love? Is there still love in your marriage or has that gone by the wayside for whatever reason?

[Tina B.]

Sorry to hear your life has taken such a turn, but there is life after divorce, and even with less money, it can be a better life. I have gone long periods with out dressing, but only because the desire had subsided, never at the request or demands of another, When the need arises there is no denying it. I would be miserable, and I won't do that for the rest of my life, just because it pleases someone else. At the end we all die alone, and when that time comes, and I have look back on what time I had on earth, I don't want to regret wasting it feeling miserable, and feeling sorry for myself for what I gave up. It may sound selfish, but we just don't get enough time on earth to waste it like that. At some point, you have to find your own happiness, and so does she, if you are making each other so unhappy that you are already separated, the hard part is already over, she's gone, and all you have to do is settle up, and then get on with your life. Unless there is a way that you can stay together and both find grounds for loving each other, without making each other unhappy, I see no other way forward.
Tina B.

[StephanieT]

StephanieT, I thought you lived alone?

I do, I am in WA and my wife is in CO.

[Mollyanne]

Stephanie T, In my 60+ years on this earth I have heard many stories, many reasons and arguments for and against divorce and who is to blame for failed or impending marriage failures. Living apart is not the answer to solving any kind of problem. A good councilor will help both parties sort out their problem(s) and the final decision will be theirs. Blaming a failed or failing marriage on cd'in is not the root cause here, there is another problem or problems lying under the surface.
Being held hostage by a monetary threat does not solve any kind of problem, it only adds to it. You have to decide if you want happiness. No one said this was going to be easy but it does have a way to resolve itself. Move forward seek help and a solution will follow.

Molly

[Jenniferathome]

I have never believed a marriage can be broken by crossdressing. While weird, for sure, if the foundations solid, CDing can be accomodated. If the foundation is weak, CDing can crush it. Life is short. Better to enjoy it and try to separate on good terms.

[~Joanne~]

I am not married so I will not have any problems along those lines but I do know it has to hurt quite a bit to know that someone you thought loved you doesn't. I agree with Doc, if you are unhappy there is no reason to stay in such a marriage or to put yourself away to try and save it. It sounds as if there were other issues involved and being a CD just pushed it over the edge.

I think a lot of married CD's should be able to tell what kind of person their wives are.as to whether or not they will be accepting or not and if not, maybe telling her isn't the best idea. I am sorry things didn't work out for you but now you have the freedom to be who you are and enjoy your life

[Alicew]

Sad to here yet another marriage having trouble over crossdressing.
On to the actual OP yes i had to put it away for 7 years due to medical reasons i couldnt physical dress myself up how i wanted on my own so i literaly had to stop dead now that the conditions easing up its come flying back with a vengeance so much so its brought back alot of issues i never delt with.

[Renee_B]

I've tried putting it away several times, and all that ended up happening was that I lost a great pair of heels I don't think that it's entirely quitable

[Cheryl T]

Can't begin to say how many times I tried to deny who I am. It always came rushing back to me that in order to be truly happy I had to be able to express this feminine aspect of my being. Finally about 8 years ago I gave up trying to hide and deny and came out to my wife. Luckily she was willing to listen and learn and has become extremely accepting and helpful. It's a blessing to have her in my life, but at the time I decided to come out to her it was a decision made with the knowledge that I might lose her. It was also made with the knowledge that I would never be really happy hiding who I really am. I was willing to accept the outcome whichever way it went.
Fortunately for me I have all I had before and much more.

I hope things work out for you...

[Kate Simmons]

What is more important to us pretty much always determines the way we go with things.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Sorry to hear about your seperation. To answer the original question, there is no and never really was any option of putting the CD self away. Not for lack of trying, and making myself completely miserable in the process and basically having all attempts at putting "her" away blow right up in my face.

Thank goodness it only took me the first 30 years of my life to learn that.