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Thread: i could use a hug .

  1. #1
    Member tara t's Avatar
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    i could use a hug .

    at a social event last night i had too much alcohol and got too brave ,told one of my sisters all about tara , she was fantastic about it , had a few questions etc and we had a long talk . it felt great to confide in her after all these years. she promised she would tell no one else .
    pity i did'nt stop there.
    more alcohol and spurred on by the fact telling my sister went well i decided to tell my father , dunno why realy as i dont even like the guy . it was a disaster , ended up with a huge fight, my mam was crying , my wife flipped out and gave me a lot of crap for telling anyone and kept saying i was ruining our life . we got out of there and made our way home where she cried for ages while i sat alone full of fears and regret .
    she doesnt want to talk to me at the moment and is in a foul humour .i feel so bad for hurting her . i'm praying my mam and dad keep the argument to themselves or it will have repercussions . i feel like such an idiot . my wife is probably right ,i probably am ruining our life .
    i am a mess :-( .
    finaly trying to mind this poor body that ive been thrashing for years .

  2. #2
    Girl Inside Jeanna's Avatar
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    They will come around, it will just take some time.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Mollyanne's Avatar
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    OK, the cat's out of the bag so to speak. Now its time for damage control. The first thing here is to let things cool down especially with the wife. If your sister is REALLY cool with the knowledge of your CD'in then enlist her aid within the family.

    Molly
    "To thine own self be true"

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    Aspiring Member ronda's Avatar
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    keep your head up and keep going foward when the shock and awe wear off they will be ok and on the bright side you can now be your self you are out in the open and your sister is with you and she may be able to help with mom and moms always love there childern no matter what Hugggggs Ronda
    hugs
    Ronda

  5. #5
    Hang in there. It is overwhelming news for others to hear sometimes. It takes time for understanding. Hug.

  6. #6
    Member tara t's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mollyanne View Post
    OK, the cat's out of the bag so to speak. Now its time for damage control. The first thing here is to let things cool down especially with the wife. If your sister is REALLY cool with the knowledge of your CD'in then enlist her aid within the family.

    Molly
    yea the sister was realy cool,she is such a lovely person and always helped me when i was younger but i'm not even sure why i told her anymore :-( , to be honest ive thought about cutting myself off from my family . ive been living in a closet most my life anyway . i'm worried about my wife though . the kids and her mean everything to me , im tempted to say ill bottle all my feelings up again but i dont know if i could handle doing that .
    finaly trying to mind this poor body that ive been thrashing for years .

  7. #7
    Member melissakozak's Avatar
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    Tara,

    I know YOU are hurting for losing control. More than likely, those who are accepting will be willing to ask questions and those who are not will adopt a DADT policy. They will 'know' you are a crossdresser but won't ask a darn thing about it or YOU with regard to it. Their view of you won't change either in the long run. In the short run, yes. As for your spouse, you are not ruining her life but she and you need to establish clear boundaries over who knows and doesn't know in the future.

    What I have discovered is that most people don't want to know. They don't care. Only those people very, very close and with whom you think you can trust should you share. I shared with my parents at age 19. My stepmom flipped out, my biological mother was fine with me, and my pop didn't care. Nevertheless, since my stepmother wouldn't let me dress up at home, I moved out in 4 weeks. No sense hanging around. We have a great relationship but I am who I am, and that is just the way it is.

    It would have been more productive to come out to your family sans alcohol, but that is what happened. More than likely, your parents will keep it to themselves. This is not the subject of coffee shops, careless whispers, and under the hair dryer conversations. Also, tell them you CONFIDED in them with CONFIDENCE they would not share it with anyone else. They have no right to share this information with anyone. Your wife is wondering a lot of things right now, and you need to just let her vent and express her anger. She will cool down, and when you are sober, you two can have a sit down and discuss all of it.

    I know it is painful right now, but is not the end of your world....hugs, Mel....
    Last edited by melissakozak; 10-07-2012 at 09:18 AM. Reason: missing word

  8. #8
    Gold Member Cynthia Anne's Avatar
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    Just lay low for a while! It will cool down! I think it may be your wife that needs a hug!
    If you don't like the way I'm livin', you just leave this long haired country girl alone:

  9. #9
    Member tara t's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeanna View Post
    They will come around, it will just take some time.
    my dad aint coming around, thats for sure , he was damned insulting last night .
    Quote Originally Posted by ronda View Post
    keep your head up and keep going foward when the shock and awe wear off they will be ok and on the bright side you can now be your self you are out in the open and your sister is with you and she may be able to help with mom and moms always love there childern no matter what Hugggggs Ronda
    your probably right about my mom alright ,she might come around .


    Quote Originally Posted by melissakozak View Post
    Tara,

    I know YOU are hurting for losing control. More than likely, those who are accepting will be willing to ask questions and those who are not will adopt a DADT policy. They will 'know' you are a crossdresser but won't ask a darn thing about it or YOU with regard to it. Their view of you won't change either in the long run. In the short run, yes. As for your spouse, you are not ruining her life but she and you need to establish clear boundaries over who knows and doesn't know in the future.

    What I have discovered is that most people don't want to know. They don't care. Only those people very, very close and with whom you think you can trust should you share. I shared with my parents at age 19. My stepmom flipped out, my biological mother was fine with me, and my pop didn't care. Nevertheless, since my stepmother wouldn't let me dress up at home, I moved out in 4 weeks. No sense hanging around. We have a great relationship but I am who I am, and that is just the way it is.

    It would have been more productive to come out to your family sans alcohol, but that is what happened. More than likely, your parents will keep it to themselves. This is not the subject of coffee shops, careless whispers, and under the hair dryer conversations. Also, tell them you CONFIDED in them with CONFIDENCE they would not share it with anyone else. They have no right to share this information with anyone. Your wife is wondering a lot of things right now, and you need to just let her vent and express her anger. She will cool down, and when you are sober, you two can have a sit down and discuss all of it.

    I know it is painful right now, but is not the end of your world....hugs, Mel....
    wife and me discuss a lot of stuff already, before we went out yesterday i asked her to keep an eye on me and not let me get too talkative with my sister as i was afraid id blurt it out. i have not been drinking much alcohol in recent times and its been a very emotional year so i kinda figured it could get messy . i feel like an awfull idiot now .

    Quote Originally Posted by Cynthia Anne View Post
    Just lay low for a while! It will cool down! I think it may be your wife that needs a hug!
    wife does'nt want a hug, or to talk to me,she slept on the couch last night , im hiding away upstairs . i'm not even going down for food .
    finaly trying to mind this poor body that ive been thrashing for years .

  10. #10
    Member ThiHi's Avatar
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    As someone that's struggled with alcohol - we'll start with a HUGE hug. Ok, a few more, and go ahead and cry into my shoulder.

    Ok, it's gonna feel awful for awhile. It's ok. The wife and kids are the important things, of course. You know that. The most important thing is YOU. Seriously, it is. You a mess isn't helping anyone. (again, speaking from experience, sadly) Your wife will come around, you two will talk, if there is true Love and acceptance between you, it'll work out, eventually. May take awhile, but it will.

    Your dad and mom may or may not come around. You can't help that. Who you are is who you are. You really can't hide who you are and suppress it. THat way lies madness, pain, grief, anger - again, experience here.

    Hang in, and learn to accept yourself. Took me decades, but I (mostly) do now. Lots of hurt, lots of losses, lots of pain, lots of really REALLY stupid things, and more than a few dangerous ones, but I'm happier than I've ever been.

    Yes, you may feel like an idiot. Well, you probably were. ;-) It's ok, we're all idiots at one time or another, your father included.

    Self acceptance is the key to it all. Doesn't have to be out in a pink satin maids outfit every day, but accepting that you like dressing this way, it's who you are, and there's nothing wrong with you is the first step. Everything else is a piece of cake.

    Here's another hug, never too many of those. With sparkles.

  11. #11
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    Alcohol is known to reduce inhibitions. Some people do stupid things! Some people fight! Some people end up dead drunk behind the wheel of a car. If your parents are closet haters of gays and lesbians and intolerant of people who are not clones of them, then expect to lose them. The reaction of your wife is understandable. You have impacted her life without her approval. This is one reason why the vast majority of DADT spouses do not want us to share cross dressing with others. The women end up as collateral damage.

  12. #12
    Silver Member Tina B.'s Avatar
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    I don't know what you where drinking, but I do know nothing good ever comes from drinking brown liquor. What's done is done, there is no undoing it. Wait until the wife is ready to talk, and start apologizing, do it as often and as well as you can, and hope for forgiveness and understanding. It's not easy keeping such a big part of who you are from family. As to who will accept the news and who will turn you off it's no longer in your control. Keep your dad away from your kids if he can't keep his mouth shut, the kids don't need to get in this.
    If you have love in your home, your wife will forgive you at some point, at least she knew what you are.
    Good luck, and stay away from that bottle for a while, so you don't say any thing more you will regret, at least until this blows over!
    Tina B.
    Almost for got, hug-hug-hug, poor baby, there feel better, now go get some food, hangovers are hell and make things seem worst than they are.
    Last edited by Tina B.; 10-07-2012 at 01:30 PM.
    Magic is the art of changing consciousness at will.

  13. #13
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry, Tara! Once you've squeezed out the toothpaste, it never goes back in!

    However, u MITE take steps to mitigate the damage with those u care about. Starting with a LONG discussion with your wife! With HER APPROVAL, maybe u can explain your PRIVATE HOBBY to your mom and sis and any others who now know and care to listen.

    That you're not gay, not planning on going out dressed ever, not thinking about sex change, etc., etc. If u DON'T talk with them, their imaginations could run wild. If u do consider any of those things down the road, maybe lying now could still be the prudent thing to do? And, let them get used to the idea that u dress but r still the same old u?
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  14. #14
    Member Confetti's Avatar
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    Hugs if it had to be said be glad you got it out of the way.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by tara t View Post
    i feel like an awfull idiot now .
    Tara, if it makes you feel any better, just know that you aren't the Lone Ranger. There's no saying how many stupid things like this I've done in my time. I still do them--and I'm far too old for that sort of stuff. I'm convinced at this point that my youthful stupidity is going to segue smoothly into my old age senility.

    It's one reason I quit drinking. The stupid things I used to say when I got drunk--well, lots of people know that story.

    But where does this come from? Why do you need to tell anybody? Because you want acceptance. You need acceptance. For what you are. Not for what others think you are or what they want you to be. You need acceptance for what you are. A basic human need. It doesn't make you bad. It makes you normal, like everybody else on this planet. To be honest it's one thing that does bother me a bit from time to time on this forum when one of our members suggests that we should accept that we're not going to get acceptance. Well, yes, that's true. But they don't go on to tell you that it's going to hurt like hell. They seem to think it's no big deal. But it is a big deal.

    I will tell you one thing that is no big deal: being trans. The only reason trans is a big deal is because some people have decided that is. It's their definition. They could choose another definition, because this one is purely arbitrary. A guy who wants to be girly? Horrors! A girl who wants to be masculine? Horrors! Who says?

    So when you get drunk, you lose your perspective. You feel that being trans is no big deal and can easily be accepted. You're right--but others haven't been on your road. You've left them behind. You have to remember that.

    Tell you what: we'll meet up some day, your place or mine, just the two of us. We'll get stinking drunk and have a stupid contest. You don't stand a chance, baby.

    Best wishes, Annabelle

  16. #16
    Member tara t's Avatar
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    thanks to all of you for the replys and kind words . it might not have been so bad if i had stayed away from cocktails , pints of the stoppid things . i was never one for half measures .
    i wasnt that drunk when i told my sister and i was over the moon about her reaction .it was a terrifying moment ,we were just chatting and catching up and she asking how i was and the time just seemed right so i kinda blurted it out. i did'nt mention crossdressing as such ,moreso that i was in the wrong type body . she asked a few questions , i replied then panicked a bit and went to the toilet to try gather my thoughts . she waited and then asked a few more questions , she seemed to genuinely care . i had thought about telling her before this happened .
    the incident with my folks was a few hours and a lot of alcohol later .

    i think my wifes right in a way . i have no plans to have srs as i have too many commitments and too much love for my family , i dont know anyone in the tg scene here and dont think i will be going out dressed up , in this little country you never go anywhere that someone does'nt know you or one of your family so it would be a big risk . telling anyone can have a big impact on us if its not kept discrete so i realy did take a big gamble . i should realy be happy for what i have and not jeprodise that . i want to give my wife a hug so bad but she will not talk to me and is still in bad form :-( . i'm full of anxeity and regret .

    thanks for all the hugs , it seems silly but they do help .
    finaly trying to mind this poor body that ive been thrashing for years .

  17. #17
    Member ME2.0's Avatar
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    I really wish you the best at putting everything back together. Your sister is probably the only person you can really share your feelings with right now. I would really work on your wife first. She should come before the rest of the family and she probably knew about it before you told everyone, so she doesn't have a problem with your dressing, just your coming out.

    I give you all the hugs I can, but these things will continue to happen to you until something changes: If the alcohol was talking, you need to shut up the alcohol. If you wouldn't make the same choices sober, then you may want to look at it as a destructive habit. A drink every now and then is fine. But if it's melting down your family because you get a little too brave, then it's time to cut back.

    Best of luck to you,
    Staci

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by tara t View Post
    at a social event last night i had too much alcohol and got too brave ,told one of my sisters all about tara , she was fantastic about it , had a few questions etc and we had a long talk . it felt great to confide in her after all these years. she promised she would tell no one else .
    pity i did'nt stop there.
    more alcohol and spurred on by the fact telling my sister went well i decided to tell my father
    ....................My guess is lay off the boos.

    Thera

  19. #19
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    It is a bit hard for everyone to take this on board, your sister will probably help give it some balance.
    Time will help mend the damage.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  20. #20
    Member tara t's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ME2.0 View Post
    I really wish you the best at putting everything back together. Your sister is probably the only person you can really share your feelings with right now. I would really work on your wife first. She should come before the rest of the family and she probably knew about it before you told everyone, so she doesn't have a problem with your dressing, just your coming out.

    I give you all the hugs I can, but these things will continue to happen to you until something changes: If the alcohol was talking, you need to shut up the alcohol. If you wouldn't make the same choices sober, then you may want to look at it as a destructive habit. A drink every now and then is fine. But if it's melting down your family because you get a little too brave, then it's time to cut back.

    Best of luck to you,
    Staci
    yes my wife knows all about me , we are normally great together , lovers and best friends , i think from her point of view she is angry because when i told someone it left someone else into our private life ? she is likely afraid of it getting out that i'm tg too, i'm afraid of it myself .
    i do not want to talk to my sis for a while, i'll give it time to sink in and wait and see if she mentions it when we meet . yea i'll shut the booze up alright. thanks
    Quote Originally Posted by Thera Home View Post
    ....................My guess is lay off the boos.

    Thera
    i dont drink much thera , ive had huge booze problems in my past while trying to hide from myself . that night was more booze than the rest of the year combined .

    Quote Originally Posted by Beverley Sims View Post
    It is a bit hard for everyone to take this on board, your sister will probably help give it some balance.
    Time will help mend the damage.
    i do hope so beverly . my wife came to bed after a bit of persueding ,i let her dose off a bit and caressed her,then hugged her, then told her how much she means to me and said sorry while she was half asleep ,when she woke she did'nt break the cuddle , i told her how i felt again, i had'nt slept all night , i just spent it whispering nice things in her ear , she's still a bit pissed off now but at least we are talking a bit .
    finaly trying to mind this poor body that ive been thrashing for years .

  21. #21
    Aspiring Member MsRenee's Avatar
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    Girl whats happen has happen theres no going back. Its gonna take some time but you and your wife will sit down and discuss this matter between the two of you as a married couple. Its best that everything be on the up and up so you two can work forward from this point in your relationship. I wish you both good luck and just breathe. The hardest part is out there already.
    Renee

  22. #22
    Give everyone, including yourself, time to process the situation. Good to heard things are already getting better. The worst is already past.

    "I'm not sure. But I'll never know unless I give it a shot."

  23. #23
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    Hi Tara, Sometimes bottled courage can really get you in trouble.
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

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  24. #24
    Silver Member DebbieL's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tara t View Post
    at a social event last night i had too much alcohol and got too brave ,told one of my sisters all about tara , she was fantastic about it , had a few questions etc and we had a long talk . it felt great to confide in her after all these years. she promised she would tell no one else .
    pity i did'nt stop there.
    The one thing we want from our families is unconditional love. We may have been afraid that if they knew, they would hate us. When someone is fantastic about it, and seems supportive, it is incredibly liberating. If you've been hiding Tara since you were a kid, it was a secret that kept you from ever being authentic with any member of your family. My sister was very supportive as well. She even told me she had always thought of me as her older sister. I taught her how to do make-up, she loved to take me shopping because I gave great fashion advice, and she even liked that I was able to be supportive during some hard times in her life. When she found out about Debbie, she even wanted to move in with me when my Wife was planning her divorce. She actually liked being able to spend time with Debbie, and her son knew about Debbie as well.

    more alcohol and spurred on by the fact telling my sister went well i decided to tell my father , dunno why realy as i dont even like the guy . it was a disaster , ended up with a huge fight, my mam was crying , my wife flipped out and gave me a lot of crap for telling anyone and kept saying i was ruining our life . we got out of there and made our way home where she cried for ages while i sat alone full of fears and regret .
    Depending on your dad's age and nationality, there are a number of different images going through his head. Most men are raised to gave contempt for "Sissy Boys" - from the time they are in first grade. Even in Kindergarten, the boy who wants to play in the kitchen, play with dolls, and dress up - is usually looked down on as some sort of freak. In early teens, they don't understand the difference between sexual identity and sexual preference, and assume that all effeminate boys are homosexuals. Often, this results in effeminate boys getting more offers and approaches from homosexual boys, and less likely to get such offers from girls. Some effeminate boys respond to the positive attention - at least SOMEBODY can love them for who they really are. But for your father, he doesn't understand what you are, or why you would want to be a woman. Men who have very sexist notions of masculinity and power often have even more contempt for transgender men - how could they debase themselves to become lowly women. It says far more about you father than it says about you.

    My own father found out a few times, and rejected me each time. It wasn't because he couldn't accept me, but instead because he didn't want me to go through the same kinds of pain and suffering he had gone through when he was growing up. He even tried to encourage my intellectual pursuits and didn't push me into boy's athletics. He would also be proud of me for not fighting, as was my mom. It took a while for him to have that discussion with me though.

    she doesnt want to talk to me at the moment and is in a foul humour .i feel so bad for hurting her . i'm praying my mam and dad keep the argument to themselves or it will have repercussions . i feel like such an idiot . my wife is probably right ,i probably am ruining our life .
    i am a mess :-( .
    You have probably set yourself free. They will accept you, or they won't. You will gravitate toward those who accept you as your are, and as you aren't. That's human nature. For those who insist on the facade, you will become more polite, more "phony", and avoid getting into deep conversations. They don't want to know YOU, they want to know the facade you have created to protect Tara. They might have even liked the facade, but now they know that it's just a facade.

    Many will be upset with you for all of the deception. They don't know who you really are. They don't know why you didn't trust them enough to be authentic. They are afraid to find out who you really are, and how you really feel about them. Most important, you are now an unknown, something representing dramatic change in their own lives. When Harvey Milk implored all gays, lesbians and bisexuals to "come out" to their families and friends, he understood that doing so meant that homosexuality could no longer be locked into a closet. Politicians would now be talking to people who had brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, sons, daughters, and friends - who were "Gay".

    Unfortunately, even in the Tenderloin, the Transsexuals were encouraged to stay in the closet. When Rue Paul first came out, and started her journey of the United States, there were cities where she risked being arrested. There where other places where she was jeered and heckled by the audience. Even when "To Wong Foo" came out, they tried to distinguish the difference between transvestites, transsexuals, and drag queens. Myra Breckenridge featured a transsexual who turned into a scheming woman who raped a man in a swimsuit and cowboy hat after tying him up. Then you find out at the end of the movie, that he had not had the operation.

    There are several cop shows that have tried to address the world of transsexuals, but by their nature, it depicted a world of danger, deception, and violence. A world were even people who tried to help you could kill you. If your parents have seen ANY of those shows, there is a good chance that they fear that is the world you are living in, or will live in.

    Post-op transsexuals usually disappear into the woodwork. Once they have transitioned, they are just living as the woman they have always felt they were. When transsexuals are portrayed in movies and television shows, they are usually played by genetic women. Ironically, many real transsexuals work as models, Vegas showgirls, or sales representatives. They are often far more successful as women than they were as men. However, since they don't like to make it public knowledge that they were once boys, their success stories are often not shared.

    Your father has just been thrown into a world he has feared most of his life. In his mind, you have already been turning tricks on the street, have AIDS, and are about to get a sex change. He doesn't know how to deal with ANY of that.

    What is important now is that you get back into communication with you father. You can apologize for sharing too much information, and you can let him know that you just want him to love you. You've said you didn't like him before - and that could have been in part because you had to pretend to be what you are not. When your relationship is based on deception, dishonesty, and inauthenticity, it creates strain on a relationship that prevents true self-expression and love from being present. Letting your dad know who you were was hard, but if you let him know that you wanted him to love you as his father, he will be able to decide how much he wants to know. He may want to know nothing.

    When I told my dad by showing up as Debbie in a restaurant, he didn't react well at all. It was only when he started reading my face-book posts that he began to see why I had always seemed so phony to him before, and he got a glimpse into who I REALLY was. He even came to love me, and when he knew he was going to die, was so happy that he had gotten to know the real me, that he wanted me to know that he wanted me to "Be Yourself".

    You shouldn't have told him while you were drunk. You shouldn't have told him if you couldn't do it in a loving way. You shouldn't have just dropped the bomb and then run away. You DO owe your father, your wife, and your family, an apology. Ideally, you would be as public about the apology as you were about the fight. Don't try to justify what you did, or why you did it. If they want to know more, they will ask. If they want to explain their reaction, they may do so. If they don't want any more information - you should allow them that illusion.

    As for repercussions, you probably need to deal with those as well. If you can be blackmailed, threatened, or coerced into doing something unethical, immoral, or illegal as a result of keeping this secret, then you can't truly be trusted. When you stop trying to hide it, you not only show that you can be honest, but you also show that you can keep a secret. You've kept one for decades.

  25. #25
    Member tara t's Avatar
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    i thought i would update this . its been a few weeks now and everything has settled .after a few days my wife and i had a good chat and her way of looking at it now is that other people are not that important and as long as we have each other we can get through whatever comes , a lot of her anger that weekend was actually about another issue and i just had'nt realised . my sister who had been great when i told her i was tg rang during that week and figured out how stressed i was about it all , i told her what happened when i told my folks and i'm presuming she talked with my mam , my mam rang and told me she loved me and told me not to worry about my dad , she said he wasnt sure exactly what i was on about at the time (i'm pretty sure she was saying this to alay my fears ) and she said that anything we talked about would not be repeated to anyone .
    last week my dad rang which is unusual , it was mainly small talk but the fact he rang in the first place meant a lot . i think my mam might have had a talk with him . i still have a feeling that at least 1 more family member knows but i'm not that worried about it anymore as they will have been told to be discreet about it. so everthing worked out a hell of a lot better than i could have forseen at the time .
    an added bonus is the fact that my wife and my sis can talk to each other openly now about me being tg, it seems to have helped my wife a lot . she is a lot happier about it all lately . we have met up with my sis a few times since and its soooo nice to be able to chat about clothes/makeup etc with both them , i have to laugh at some of the ideas my sis has about tgs though..... she thought i'd automaticly like xfactor lol.

    thanks to each of you that posted in this thread , when i started it i was in a terrible lonely place and very confused about what my next move should be and the support i got on here helped me more than you could belive . i hope i can return the favour some day .
    hugs to all
    Tara
    Last edited by tara t; 10-23-2012 at 02:31 PM. Reason: forgot word
    finaly trying to mind this poor body that ive been thrashing for years .

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