So my wife said that she is fearful that she is worried about losing Matt as I explore who May is. This makes her sad because she has known Matt for over 10 years and she doesn't want to lose him. That's a lot of pressure, huh?
What have you all done while in a similar position? My wife is supportive, but also honest about how she would like all of this to turn out. Clearly any thoughts that I have about May have a tinge of guilt tainting them.
Last edited by May(be); 10-12-2012 at 12:01 PM.
Well of course she is rooting for Matt. After all, Matt is who she fell in love with and married, and she has believed that Matt is who she was going to spend the rest of her life with. May? Who's that? Certainly not the person she thought she was marrying.
And "Who's that?" may be the relevant question here. Your statement that you are still exploring who May is makes me kind of cringe for your wife. If even you don't know who May is, what she means to you, and where Matt fits in with all this, what is she supposed to think? To feel?
Before you can reassure your wife, you need to do some hard searching and reassure yourself first.
Kathi
With time she may see that May IS Matt. That May is the best of Matt. But you have to make that happen by being the best when you are May. You will always be you. But if she can see that you are happy as May and that you are not leaving your best qualities behind, then she will be just as comfortable with you in either mode. It depends on what you want. If you are happy bring May out once in a while, then when you do just let her know that even though the package may look different you are the same caring and ,loving person in that package (just with extra value now). The only way she could lose Matt is if YOU let Matt go away. Matt and May are both spirits. Embodiments. The physical is just for show.
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
It can be like the pendulum on the clock ticking back and forth. There is Matt at one extreme and May on the other extreme. The secret is to find the middle ground where the real you can emerge, and she can see that you are really only one team to begin with. Some times we go to the extremes to help us discover our real selves, and you need to share with her where you are at, as well as get her help to find your happy middle ground. She fell in love with Matt/May, it will just take some time to see it with your help.
I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!
JMHO
BUT Kathi may have hit the nail on the head...
i had almost the same conversation with a girlfriend just today..
It may be different for you but there is a LOT of soul searching to be done in these heels in the upcoming days/weeks/months
XO
Penni
Thanks for the input, everyone. I know this is a conversation as old as this forum and I'm sure that it gets talked about ad nauseum and will be discussed on this forum ad infinitum.
I think the solution to all of this is what scares her to death; Dressing more as May. Also, part of the problem might come up with the Matt/May dichotomy of having to choose or use one name over another. A name is superficial and abstract, but it definitely carries a lot of power. She refers to me while dressed more as May than I tent to refer to myself as May. I am still not comfortable hearing people refer to me as May. Maybe I'm just as uncomfortable with losing Matt as she is.
May,Originally Posted by May(be)
This is a tough one for me. I have the inverse as an issue. My wife loves who I am becoming and doesn't miss male me too much. We kind of had a deal that if she needs male me to come out, all she has to do is say so. Yet, in the last three months, she hasn't asked once.
I do have a very real sense of loss that follows me around and shows up when I am least expecting it. It's strange, but it's like I miss my hairy legs sometimes.
Then again, I miss my old job in corporate America too, but I will never, ever go back there.
Part of growing is saying goodbye to the things you've outgrown. It's OK to miss them, they are still a part of who you are. Matt isn't going away. Your wife is not going to lose the things that make you who you are. You're growing, not changing into someone else. I believe that if you truly find your center and get in sync you will be in a much better place.
We cannot change our needs, we can only strive to fulfill them whatever they might be.
Meghan
"No matter how far you've gone down a wrong road, turn back."
~Turkish Proverb
May, it sounds to me like it is time to slow things down a bit and give her some reassurance that the man she loves is going nowhere.
Yes here it is post #8 and starting to slow down seems like a good idea.
Soul searching and other things come into the mix so don't ruin what you already have.
Use communism here, their strategy, two steps forward one step back.
CD strategy is two steps back and one forward for now.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
My wife and I went through this. We are seeing a therapist and it is working wonders. The therapist made her understand Samantha isn't going away, and emphasized all of the great things about Samantha that she had not considered. It helps that the wife is bi. Anyway, try seeing a therapist who has experience with TG issues, it will help.
I'm sure that your wife is a bit unsure of where this all may lead...that's the most common apprehension among our SOs. And it's understandable because she married one person and is growing to know a whole new dimension of you. May, I don't recall if you shared this part of yourself with your wife while you we're dating ...and that's a moot point now, since she's obviously aware now.
None of us can say with absolute certainty what the future holds. However, I would think the best you can do right now is to express appreciation for her support and patience, while explaining that a significant part of what she loves about Matt is what you are calling May. Although you give this dimension another name, it's still you. Maybe the proportion of time spent in an overtly male or female mode may shift, but you are still present.
The other thing is that this isn't a competition between two competing identities. A part of you, probably always there but in some ways suppressed is being acknowledged and experienced. From all our collective experience, this isn't going away. The best the two of you can do is to share it and enjoy it together. If that's difficult for her, you can try to work out an ongoing compromise that works for both of you. Best of luck.
Unless you've got MPD, Matt is also May. They are the same person. It's just that you've decided to name certain aspects of yourself "May" and others "Matt," as if you'd decided to name your left big toe "Fred" and the right big toe "George." Or if you called yourself "Julia" when you're in the kitchen and "Tom" or "Ray" when you're changing the oil in your car.
The thing is, there's no reason you have to choose "May" over "Matt" or vice versa, even assuming you could. You're just exploring new interests, new feelings, new ways to see yourself. If you like the "Matt" aspects, there's no reason why you can't do both "Matt" and "May" stuff (at the same time, if it's practical.)
Suppose you had suddenly developed an interest in playing the guitar, after never doing anything with music all your life. You'd probably go a bit overboard at first, and even after a while, you'd be different from before -- e.g., practicing after dinner instead of vegging out in front of the Tube, or dragging your guitar out at parties instead of trading cliches about professional sports with other dude-bros. But you wouldn't say, "I'm a Guitar-Player, and Guitar-Players don't play catch or watch NFL." The only "choice" you'd have to make is how much time to spend on which activity.
There's no reason why CD'ing has to be any different -- aside from the ridiculous popular prejudice that what you have between your legs determines what sort of things you are allowed to like or want to do.
May,
It might help your perspective(and your wifes) to go with a name that pulls the two "you's" together.....Something Like....Mattie, Matty. Since May is a feminine part of Matt's superego, a name that works for your wife's perspective would go a long way to helping her to know that Matt isnt going anywhere.
Also it might help to always reassure her that you are Matt(ie) no matter how your dressed. If shes accepting and doing the best she can to understand just be you and keep communicating about it.
Best wishes,
-Donni-
It's a very common theme here that most have come farther than they ever imagined and that most don't really know how or "where" they will end up down the road. If your wife has read enough threads here, she will realize that and that reassurance from you might not be worth much if you yourself don't [or can't know] your possible destination.
I think it's simply a cross that most Cders must carry.
And here I thought this was a World Series thread…..
Seriously May, I think everyone above has shared some really great advice and threads like these are why I love this forum. You asked what others have done in a similar situation, which I’d be happy to share, but ultimately everyone’s experience is different and one size doesn’t fit all. I do believe that Kathi Lake, Lorileah and Kim got to the root of it all, but then again they are forum all-stars. (Can’t keep my mind off of baseball).
The tinge of guilt comment you referenced about May is not uncommon, but you need to figure out who she is and where this is all going. You are so blessed to have a supportive wife and she definitely has a right to know how this will evolve over time. Her concerns are well founded and as quaint as it may sound, you need to have open and honest communication, in spite of the fact that you yourself don’t have all the answers. Hopefully, with her help, you two can figure this out and make it work for you as a couple. Best of luck on your journey together.
My wife would be rooting for the opposition too...although secretly.
She is fully supportive, but draws the line at the point where crossing over it becomes too permanent. We've agreed on a few things like no hormones or implants, as I don't see them in my future anyway. She helps in every way, but I know that she too is afraid I may someday wish to "be traded" to the other team.
I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !
I've got it... why not pick another name. How about Matilda! You could be Matty for short. Ok, Matilda is pretty old school, but maybe there's a variation on Matt that could work for both of you!
BTW, my given name is Kim, so my wife doesn't have to adjust to another name. makes it a bit easier I suppose.
I've thought about it, but... Mattilda is a little girl with oppressive parents! Nope, I'm sorry. I happen to like the name very much. I don't think May is that far from my parent-given name. Different enough, i guess
I think in my relationship, it's a balance. My wife is very supportive, she even helps me shop. I've been dabbling in the hobby for about 3 years. Anyhow, as accomodating as she is, she doen't want to see me in a dress 24/7. She knows I get anxious and nervous when I haven't dressed in a while, and she doesn't argue or act differently when I dress. Sometimes she asks me if I want to dress up tonight. But I also know she married a man, and likes to see the man side of me also. I think her support would wear out if I just skipped being male and was Staci full time. I think I'd have relationship problems then. I love my wife more than I love dressing, but I really want/need both. So the dressing is in moderation and if I see signs of her getting upset, maybe take a week off.
Hugs
Staci
It's a much heavier cross for SOs of CDers to carry.
Matt is presumably getting something positive out of all this and has (whether he admits it or not) some measure of control.
His wife isn't getting much of anything but anxiety out of it, especially since there's no assurance that where Matt/May ends up is going to be something she can live with, let alone enjoy. And the only real "control" she has is the threat of leaving him.
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