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Thread: Wife Found Out, Totally Freaked and Wants Divorce!

  1. #1
    New Member Layla Michelle's Avatar
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    Wife Found Out, Totally Freaked and Wants Divorce!

    Originally wanted to dress up for Halloween. We've had our marriage issues. I only recently dressed in femme (about two weeks ago) and had my items in a back closet.
    Well, she found them, freaked the hell out and with our pastor present demanded she wants a divorce. It was the last straw in our already troubled marriage for her. I do enjoy cross dressing as it turns out but never wanted to lose my wife of 23 years. Trying not to lose it but beginning to feel worthless as a soon to be single 48 year old with cross dressing fantasies. Who am I and where do I go from here?

  2. #2
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    Ooooo.... time for marriage counseling if it isn't been tried already.

    And not counseling from your pastor either -- not unless perhaps he was busy saying "Dressing really doesn't matter" but got dragged into it by your wife just to act as a witness (e.g. in case you got really angry.)

  3. #3
    Silver Member prene's Avatar
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    I agree 100%.
    Counseling cannot hurt, most u can loose is a little money.
    Good luck.

    I wish u the best.

  4. #4
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    Pastor? sounds like she was trying to get someone on her side from the beginning. Maybe counceling for y'all? I am in a similar situation yrs in marraige, age but Im ready to get out and move on, but my situtation is far more than just crossdessing though. I need to get through nursing school first..I would never graduate if I made the move now. As for "loss" of money, material things, who gives a crap. I was young once, but no money, no job skills, language deficit, and a general lack of knowledge. I can do it now so I need to.

  5. #5
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you're going through this.

    A marriage needs to be strong, to navigate the crossdressing successfully ... providing the husband tells the wife and she doesn't find out on her own. This spells disaster even in a good marriage.

    If you do go to marital counseling, I'd focus on all your other, unresolved marital issues and also work on improving communication skills. And if the two of you get on the same page again, then you can begin to address the crossdressing.
    Reine

  6. #6
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    That is so sad. It seems strange to want to end such a long relationship over this but it might just be a panic thing. Don't feel like you are worthless just because of this, you're not. It is a difficult time but sometimes this is what makes us stronger.

  7. #7
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    The first thing you need to do is really get to know yourself and your feelings and then decide what you want to do. Only then will YOU hold the reins and no one else.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  8. #8
    :) Post-Op Hippie Chick CharleneT's Avatar
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    .... sorry to be harsh....

    "Who am I and where do I go from here? "

    strait to a lawyer - unless you believe/know your wife is just acting out due to the shock. As for "who am I", that one's the Q for the therapist.
    There is a road—no simple highway—between the dawn and the dark of night.
    And if you go no one may follow. That path is for your steps alone.

  9. #9
    Silver Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by CharleneT View Post
    .... sorry to be harsh....

    "Who am I and where do I go from here? "

    strait to a lawyer - unless you believe/know your wife is just acting out due to the shock. As for "who am I", that one's the Q for the therapist.
    Quoted for truth.

    Stephie

  10. #10
    Silver Member BRANDYJ's Avatar
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    I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. My suggestion is to look at all other things in the marriage that are not good. I refuse to believe that a marriage that is good and otherwise happy can end over just crossdressing. The crossdressing in of itself is not the issue. The worst thing about it is the fact that she found this out and now feels very deceived, as most wives would. But still, there has to be other issues going on in my opinion.
    I also would suggest asking her, begging her to go see a marriage counselor. I also agree that this person not be a member of the clergy. Sadly, religious beliefs get in then way of common sense, love between a man and a woman, and they can cloud giving sound advice based on their own misguided religious beliefs.
    It sounds like you love your wife. I hope she still loves you enough to keep an open mind and learn something about this explainable drive many of us were born with... or developed. Take a good long hard look at yourself and be honest to yourself, about where you have gone wrong and what you can and will do to save this marriage. Sit down and make a list of what bothers you about yourself and what bothers you about your wife. List all the reasons you love this women and then list things about her you are not happy about. Believe me, it will help you decide what is best for not only you, but for your wife too.
    I've been where you are at with my now ex-wife. She was very supportive of my crossdressing, so that was not even an issue as to why we separated after 19 years. Think hard. Don't be like me and wonder what you should have, could have done to make each other happy. Divorce is emotionally hard on anyone, even of you want a divorce. The regrets linger long after the marriage ends, even when you have found someone new as I have. So look beyond the crossdressing and figure out all other ways things have gone wrong for the both of you.
    I wish you luck and hope things will work out for both you and your wife.

    And as I usually do, I agree with ReineD above. Listen to her words of wisdom.
    Last edited by BRANDYJ; 10-21-2012 at 07:07 AM.

  11. #11
    Silver Member Maria 60's Avatar
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    I am very sorry to read this. I don't know you and how your relationship was before the cat came out of the bag but if it was worth saving then its worth saving now. You should have a good honest talk with her and see were you stand in the marriage and then move from there. And I suggest the pastor stays in the church were he belongs because I don't think he has much experience in crossdressing and marriage problems. I don't know you but if you have not been worthless all your life how did you become worthless overnight. You must stay focused and think straight and take it one day at a time and if you are both honest with each other you should work it out for better or worst.

  12. #12
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Take a deep breath and maybe a long walk. Then, start talking with your wife, not just about your CDing , but your entire relationship. Talk about what has worked and what hasn't. If its too difficult to talk calmly, go to a counselor-a professional that can keep the discussion on a constructive level. But also be prepared to accept the possibility that your marriage has ended. It sounds as though there have been other significant issues between you and your wife. Perhaps the best you can do is agree to part on a mutually respectful basis.

  13. #13
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    For your own protection, find a lawyer if she proceeds. Beyond that you are living my fear. My son is out of the house, but I have a 13 year old daughter and don't want to rock to boat right now so I'm risking not telling her yet.

    I think it's the honest thing to do, tell her and hope for the best, but I suspect my wife will not be too pleased to say the least. Understandably she will be confused as all those uneducated or unfamiliar with Transgender/CrossDressing issues.

    I agree with what has been written on your post - attempt to get to marriage counseling and not with the church. Sounds like she is religious like my wife, which may not help. I'm an atheist which is another issue in my marriage.

    If you still love her, seek help, try everything if you really want to stay married to her. Since you just started, perhaps you need to find out why and see if you can explore this with your wife. See if you can get her on this forum for support - knowing that you are not alone is comforting.

    Seeking help is a universal reply as is finding more about yourself. But, only you will be able to figure out the best course. It will be rough, but time does heal - but not always completely.

    Good luck to you, I feel your pain as I may be going down that road soon too.

  14. #14
    Gender adventurer JamieG's Avatar
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    I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You mentioned that this was "the last straw in an already troubled relationship." I suggest you think about whether this is a relationship worth saving. Has she generally been a loving and understanding partner, and have you done the same in return? Has one of you grown distant? Perhaps now is the opportunity to address whatever issues there are in the relationship, especially if they can be addressed by you improving yourself (note, I don't consider giving up crossdressing as an improvement). I think you have the best chance of progress if you try hard to understand where your wife is coming from, and avoid being defensive. Admit that it was wrong not to tell her, try to get her to understand why it was so hard to open up to her (or anyone for that matter), and tell her (assuming its true) how important she is to you.

  15. #15
    Junior Member beccaturner's Avatar
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    I totally agree with what's been said, especially about keeping all aspects of religion out of it. It will only make a bad situation worse.

  16. #16
    Senior Member mikiSJ's Avatar
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    Is your newly discovered crossdressing the biggest issue you have with your wife. It may be the most current and putting other marriage killers in the shadows. I think it is time to determine whether you want to spend money on saving a marriage that has 'issues' or money with a counselor finding our who you are.

    Miki

  17. #17
    Silver Member Babeba's Avatar
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    I think it sounds like a great deal of other issues, and the straw that broke the Camel's back.

    We do have a religious forum on this board, and since you say 'our pastor' and not 'her pastor' I feel as though this may be something giving you conflicted emotions as well. Please do go to your 'settings' page (permissions) and request to join the religious forum. If you post there, the members who have a bit more knowledge/peace on religion may be able to help a bit.

    I feel like this was very poor timing on your wife discovering something you had just started to explore - how long had you had cross dressing fantasies for? Did your wife talk with you right away when she found those items, or wait until she felt calm and rational? What about the other issues in the marriage - do you think those can be worked out with some work?

  18. #18
    always girly and love it Linda St. John's Avatar
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    As Charlene and Chelsea have wisely said : see your lawyer first - it's a small price to pay for some sort of reason in the storm that's brewing .
    You need to know who gets what and not panic over money issues.
    Linda
    twitter : @ lindaesj

  19. #19
    Aspiring Member MsRenee's Avatar
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    Sounds like there were some other issues between you two first that may have been putting a strain on your marriage. Like others have said crossdressing cannot be the deal breaker. I would suggest counseling as its from a third party and not your pastor even tho there not suppose to side. Counseling did help my marriage and it may save yours. Its everyone fears of their s/o finding out and I wish you two good luck on this. Grab tissues for you both and sit down and go from there hun.
    Renee

  20. #20
    Member Aloha Jayne's Avatar
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    Going through the same thing as you Layla, also married 23 years. I don't have much else to offer than has already been said, but wanted to give you my support.
    I just couldn't wear my big girl panties today.

  21. #21
    Gold Member ~Joanne~'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    I'm sorry you're going through this.

    A marriage needs to be strong, to navigate the crossdressing successfully ... providing the husband tells the wife and she doesn't find out on her own. This spells disaster even in a good marriage.

    If you do go to marital counseling, I'd focus on all your other, unresolved marital issues and also work on improving communication skills. And if the two of you get on the same page again, then you can begin to address the crossdressing.
    This is the most solid piece of advice as always from Reine. It sounds as your problems were already at a breaking point before she found your stash. These should be addressed first and fore most and certainly not around/with/ or by your pastor. but with a professional.
    Flip Flops were made for Beaches & Bath Houses, We have neither in 2017. Lose the flip flops!

  22. #22
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Again Reine and Babeba make very good points and are giving sound advice.Both would make a great therapists IMO.
    Seek some professional help, religious help in this matter would only cloud the issues.What is needed is a clear discussion of all your marriage problems.
    I feel so bad when couples that have to go thru this.
    I hope you both can work this out I really do.
    Head Executive Chief of the Dept of Redundancy Dept.
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  23. #23
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Find an independent marriage counseullor, not someone religious based and concentrate on other issues in your relationship.
    Keep crossdressing out of it unless it becomes the primary issue.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  24. #24
    Sallee Sallee's Avatar
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    I would say a good marriage counselor who has experience with trans issues and I would also ask around about a good divorce attorney.
    Counseling can only go so far so lets prep for the worst and hope for the best. BUt it sounds to me like it is over. Hope not
    Good luck
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Sallee

  25. #25
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    I agree we are lucky to have Reine and Babeba here. So sorry the discovery caused so much angst.

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