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Thread: How Do I Convince My Girlfriend that Crossdressing is Harmless?

  1. #1
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    How Do I Convince My Girlfriend that Crossdressing is Harmless?

    I will have been dating my wonderful girlfriend for two years on November 5th. I love her very much, and we both feel that we have a future together. That being said, she and I are 18 and 19 respectively. I started college this year, she's a sophomore. we go to different schools however, about forty minutes away. We have a mutual agreement to not get married, or make any decisions about it until both of us finish college. We are a Christian couple, and if it's not too awkward to say, we both aren't going to have sex until marriage. We have an all around happy relationship, and love each other very much.

    I really like wearing dresses and skirts. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. However, my girlfriend does not approve of this. She has misconceptions about crossdressing, and doesn't really take it seriously.

    Today, for the very first time, I wore a dress openly at my college, and just spent my day in it. Nobody cared. It was great. They were all super supportive. In fact, I got my hair dyed blonde yesterday for my Halloween costume (I'm being Finn from Adventure Time) and more people commented on my hair than on the fact that I was wearing a dress. I got hardly any awkward looks, and my friends treated me like normal. As a side note, I wasn't in full drag, as that's not really my thing. I just wore the clothes, no wig, no makeup, no breast or butt forms or anything. I looked damn cute, too.

    I felt so unbelievably happy today that I was able to do this. I felt alive, I felt free. I felt like I was able to be myself. I would love to just dress like this most of the time, it would be a dream come true. I truly feel like I'm in a new day and age of acceptance.

    However, my girlfriend doesn't think it's okay. I really just wish I could snap my fingers and change her mind. I love her so much, and she loves me, but I feel like if I told her the way I truly feel about crossdressing she'll up and leave me. Which I know is ridiculous, but I really feel like I need her approval. How can I convince her that crossdressing is really nothing more than wanting more clothing options? I just want to feel pretty. Today I did. I want to chase that feeling.

  2. #2
    The best of both worlds Kathi Lake's Avatar
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    How do you convince her? You don't. Would you prefer that she convinced you of the 'wrongness' of crossdressing instead? Didn't think so.

    You say she has misconceptions. What are they? How do you know they are misconceptions? Are they really misconceptions or are they her opinions. If they are truly misconceptions, then talk with her with the goal of addressing these misconceptions. If they are her opinions, then value and validate them as you value your own.

    Talk, talk, and talk some more. Let her know that you are still the same man she thought you were - she just didn't know all there was to know yet.

    Kathi

  3. #3
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    You don't convince her, you try to educate her and know that it is a really hard concept to get her head around. Take your time and let her take her time

  4. #4
    Resident huguenot Nocturnal Kaylee's Avatar
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    Its not what you want to hear BUT, you won't convince her. Of that's how she feels then there's little you can do about it. You're both very young still and in all honesty provably will not be together forever. You're both going to do a ton of growing in college.

  5. #5
    Member Jess Marie's Avatar
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    Olivia hit it on the head! There is no changing a womans mind once she has made an opinion on something. I remember when my SO found out, we argued for weeks before she told me whatever as long as she isn't involved and it doesn't change my sexual interests. So, I dress without her knowing (which is what she wants) and I am happy as can be.

    It will be rough but you are not going to change her mind. The only thing you can do is reassure her that it doesn't change who you are and that you are still in love with her and that you still want to be with her. Just tell her that it is something you cannot change because you like the clothes and the feel and you are jealous that they get to wear such beautiful clothes when men are supposed to just wear ugly and plain clothes. Tell her the truth, that is the main thing. You don't want to lie because you will get caught up in them over time. It's going to come down between the dressing and your relationship I am afraid, if you do not come up with a solution that satisfies both parties involved.

    Best of luck,
    Jess
    “You can love someone so much… But you can never love someone as much as you miss them.”
    -John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

  6. #6
    My Ship has sailed? Barbara Ella's Avatar
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    I have to agree, you will not likely change her mind through words. This is a long term situation that will depend on her openness and love for you. Education, however gradual is a key, and your actions will speak louder than any words spoken or written. Continue to be the best person you can be. Be attentive to her. Keep your college work up to a high level. You might have to not push your feelings too much right now in order not to push her too far away too quickly. If you cannot put a containment on developing your feminine desires, even for a little while, she might not have enough time to adjust.

    I wish you luck

    Barbara
    He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
    - Friedrich Nietzche -
    I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.

  7. #7
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    Ditto following previous remarks - you don't convince her and can't convince her if she as already made up her mind. You do, however, need to be honest with her if you are as serious as you have stated. You will have to figure out how important she is to you and how important wearing dresses and skirts are to you. All the previous comments are on target. Also, good for you wearing a dress openly on campus. Glad you felt so good about it. Good luck.

  8. #8
    Member Ann Thomas's Avatar
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    I was very much like you at your age. In looking back now, if I was to tell me at that age anything, it would be, "Don't sell out part of yourself for acceptance!" Like you, part of myself was crossdressing. I didn't realize that it would diminish during my 20's due to two reasons - increasing testosterone reducing the drive to be more female, and secondly, fear of being found out and being rejected because of it. Then, the drive and need to crossdress would come back with a vengeance during my 30's and 40's and continue to increase.

    I have found that I function best in society when dressed female, even though, like you said you just did, I'm not passable. If I don't dress and be as pretty as I have time to be at the moment, I become obsessed with it, and thereby reduce my ability to function, to be productive and to do things that are *not* related to crossdressing. I don't know if that's what the future holds for you.

    I agree also with previous posts that if a girl makes up her mind something is wrong, she will stick to it. She, like you, might stifle or bury those opinions just to be chased, accepted and loved by you. For her, if that were to happen, it's just not healthy in the long run.

    What happened to me is that trying to deny, hide or compromise, hurt me deeply later on when it finally surfaced. Also, you are far too young to be making any major decisions in life about marriage. You can clearly see you have something raising it's head in your life that you have no idea how it will turn out. You will be far happier in the long run if you wait and see what happens. My feeling is that in spite of attempting to teach her about crossdressing, you may find it to be impossible. Remember, you can't take care of someone else until you take care of yourself first - that's why on airplane safety talks they give before each flight, they always say to get your oxygen mask on first before helping someone else. Crossdressing could - and probably will - become like that for you, where it's needed for your good mental health.

    Your generation has far more accepting women in it than mine does. Honestly, I can pretty much trust most people under 25 not to mistreat me or threaten me pretty much everywhere I have gone. It's the older ones I watch carefully. I envy you growing up in this more accepting era. Take advantage of your opportunities.

    Hugs,
    Ann

    (Almost full time crossdresser, son of a crossdresser, and father of a 23 year old crossdressing son.)

  9. #9
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dorothy159 View Post
    However, my girlfriend doesn't think it's okay. I really just wish I could snap my fingers and change her mind. I love her so much, and she loves me, but I feel like if I told her the way I truly feel about crossdressing she'll up and leave me. Which I know is ridiculous, but I really feel like I need her approval. How can I convince her that crossdressing is really nothing more than wanting more clothing options? I just want to feel pretty. Today I did. I want to chase that feeling.
    Above all else, you need to be honest with her, and also find as many resources as you can to help her learn what this is about ... and then let the chips fall where they may. You are both young and if it doesn't work out it is best to find out now than in 10, 20, or 30 years from now. Or, she could surprise you and your relationship might be strengthened. But, you can't live a life of repression, nor can you "make" her accept anything that she believes is fundamentally wrong.

    Most colleges have LBGT groups and I'm sure they'll have excellent resources.

    Another thing to consider: there is immense freedom in the college environment. You can go to class in a skirt and pretty top, and as you say, most people will think it's OK. But, this is not the case in the working world, where a bulk of the people are a great deal older than you. Not only do most employers not take kindly to the CDing, they don't even like to know that their employees are CDers ... unless you're headed towards a creative and liberal line of work in a geographic area that is equally liberal.

    So in your conversations with your girlfriend, I'd take this into account. You might want to discuss who you both know that she might feel comfortable telling, for example her family, your family, the members of your religious community, her childhood friends and yours, and anyone else in your lives. In other words, discuss the degree of "outedness". It's one thing to find acceptance from people at college who are there for a short time just like you are and who will move on, and another matter with people who are closer to you both than arm's length and also prospective employers.

    I wish you all the best with all of this and I'm not saying the CDing will not work out in your life, or that your girlfriend will not be OK with it. But, you do need to consider more aspects than just wearing the clothes to class.
    Reine

  10. #10
    Member rhonda's Avatar
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    Dorthy from the previus comments you got sound advise good luck to you we're all pulling for you

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    Silver Member noeleena's Avatar
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    Hi,

    Id like to say , though not in all case's a woman can change , can change her mind , as a woman iv had too, & Jos has allso, the difference is in we have age expreance & have grown in a way most people dont,

    sometimes its not in the talking because talking does not show all of a person, it has to come from liveing a life & i dont mean as in banded about a lifestyle, i mean a real life of who the person is , showing the happyness that is seen from the whole person, how you do things how you see things, & how you love some one , & that changed for me, it changed for Jos as well.

    When your young youll both change your minds so many times you may not see those changes yet they will happen ,

    When a detail like youv said comes along the other person needs lots of time. most of the concepts are of cause taught so are accepted most of the time with out ?, so becomes harder to explain.

    not haveing talked with you both its very hard to know the underlieing details of the whys & wherefors,

    All i would say is go slowly a little at a time.

    I know what iv said many times is write down your thoughts how this effects you, what it means & how it helps you be a better person as i said more giveing more loveing & make allowances for her to see all of you, or who the real you is .

    Trust me its a very big issue to have to take on board for your S O.

    ...noeleena...

  12. #12
    Mountain Lass
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    I am puzzled as to why you think cross-dressing is 'more clothing options'-your words. If it was as simple as that very few women would have a problem with it. Factor in breastforms, a wig, makeup and shoes and you have- the possibilities for an awful lot of misunderstandings.....so you need to straighten this out in your own mind.

  13. #13
    Duchess of Eyeliner Erica2Sweet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dorothy159 View Post
    ...How can I convince her that crossdressing is really nothing more than wanting more clothing options?...
    Because that's not true. There's much more to it than that. The clothes are merely tangibles. There's ALWAYS much more going on internally regarding the topic of non-birth gender expression. If denial is preventing you from seeing that, then by all means begin by dealing with the denial. To be happy and live a fulfilled life, you will need to begin to acquire a reasonably accurate picture of why you need to express yourself this way.

    The truth is that it's not harmless. Peruse these boards and see what happens when men mishandle their crossdressing and put it higher on their list of priorities than the position their loved ones occupy. In these types of instances the desire for crossdressing is nothing short of a relationship killer.

    You will eventually need to have an honest, open discussion with your girlfriend where you place before her all the feelings you feel regarding your gender exploration. You will also need to listen to her when she expresses how she feels about having an SO that engages in this. When its all been said and heard, you both will be faced with the task of deciding whether or not you're actually compatible in life as partners. I mention this because I'm of the opinion that, if she's not fully accepting of your gender flux, then you two simply are not compatible as life partners, and essentially would just be forcing a square peg in to a round hole...
    Last edited by Erica2Sweet; 10-22-2012 at 07:42 AM.

  14. #14
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    I agree with Erica, that it may not be harmless. Have you told her WHY you dress? Is it really just another clothing option? Are you content with occasional dressing in private, or will it become more public and more often? Do you have an internal feminine identity that hasn't surfaced completely yet, or are you solidly a guy who just likes to dress up? Is she afraid you're not the man she thought you were? And CAN you be her man, who just likes to dress up harmlessly?

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    eluuzion eluuzion's Avatar
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    Hiya D,

    Well, addressing your exact question at face value...

    If you view a relationship as a “game”…(Not recommended)

    Here is how you “could” do it:

    -go to the Political Science Dept at your college.
    -take course on propaganda/persuasion.
    -learn how to present subjective (biased/opinions)…i.e. “harmless” definitions in the form of objective (factually supported/unbiased) statements.
    -use the technique to ”convince” your girlfriend (crossdressing = “harmless”).

    OR

    You “could” consider this (my) "alternative" perception of the relationship process:

    Relationships are based upon a committed mutual goal of understanding and supporting your prospective/existing partner’s perceptions and beliefs. It is not a competition revolving around partners trying to “convince” each other about who (or “what”) is right or wrong in life.

    Life is subjective and all about perceptions. Sometimes a relationship “works”. Sometimes it does not. *(so far in my case it has "not"...)


    Hey, the only way that I have found happiness is to be myself and respect others right to do the same...

    Everything here is of course...just my opinion and options...stable or unstable, lol...

    Good Luck,

    HaveFun/BeHappy

    Last edited by eluuzion; 10-22-2012 at 08:01 AM.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  16. #16
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    You're both young and the ideas you grew up with aren't necessarily fixed in stone. As others have already said, you can't change someones mind on the subject to CDing. You can talk openly and honestly about how you view CDing and you can suggest reading material that may broaden her perspective.

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    The number of women who are happy to remain in a relationship with a crossdresser or MTF transsexual who wants to "feel pretty" is rather small, so it's unlikely you're going to get the OK to continue.

    If you are on the transgender spectrum you are on it for life. This thing is not going to go away. You need to think about that before you start discussing marriage with your current partner.

  18. #18
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    Not completely harmless, but a crossdressing partner should be preferable to issues many men have. Are you verbally or physically abusive? Do you cheat? Do you spend your weekends out with the boys? Gambling, drinking, drugs etc.? I have a couple of exes that looking back must think that crossdressing wasn't as bad as they thought it was. Kudos for letting her know the truth now in any event.

  19. #19
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dee3 View Post
    Not completely harmless, but a crossdressing partner should be preferable to issues many men have. Are you verbally or physically abusive? Do you cheat? Do you spend your weekends out with the boys? Gambling, drinking, drugs etc.? I have a couple of exes that looking back must think that crossdressing wasn't as bad as they thought it was. Kudos for letting her know the truth now in any event.
    Explain the advantages as against drink, drugs, and violence types.
    Dressing at college? You can almost wear anything and as you did not dress convincingly others would have accepted you were just making a statement.
    Dress convincingly next time and see the reaction then.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  20. #20
    Member StephanieJ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    You can't live a life of repression, nor can you "make" her accept anything that she believes is fundamentally wrong.
    ReineD is exactly right. Abraham Lincoln once said, "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." It's not your job to convince her of anything, only to be patient, loving and honest while she finds her path. I pray for a good outcome, but whatever happens you can be sure that it's the right thing. Remember Isiah 55:8.

  21. #21
    Texas gal sherri's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Erica2Sweet View Post
    Because that's not true. There's much more to it than that. The clothes are merely tangibles. There's ALWAYS much more going on internally regarding the topic of non-birth gender expression. If denial is preventing you from seeing that, then by all means begin by dealing with the denial. To be happy and live a fulfilled life, you will need to begin to acquire a reasonably accurate picture of why you need to express yourself this way.

    The truth is that it's not harmless. Peruse these boards and see what happens when men mishandle their crossdressing and put it higher on their list of priorities than the position their loved ones occupy. In these types of instances the desire for crossdressing is nothing short of a relationship killer.

    You will eventually need to have an honest, open discussion with your girlfriend where you place before her all the feelings you feel regarding your gender exploration. You will also need to listen to her when she expresses how she feels about having an SO that engages in this. When its all been said and heard, you both will be faced with the task of deciding whether or not you're actually compatible in life as partners. I mention this because I'm of the opinion that, if she's not fully accepting of your gender flux, then you two simply are not compatible as life partners, and essentially would just be forcing a square peg in to a round hole...
    This is what I was gonna say, but Erica saved me the effort.

  22. #22
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kerstin View Post
    The number of women who are happy to remain in a relationship with a crossdresser or MTF transsexual who wants to "feel pretty" is rather small, so it's unlikely you're going to get the OK to continue.
    Just want to say, although both CDers & TSs would rather be pretty than not, there is a huge difference between the two. CDers (or TGs) do not wish to eradicate their biological male selves. TSs do.

    And so hetero women in general are more open to CDers. It takes a very special hetero woman to become willing to live as a lesbian, though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dee3 View Post
    Are you verbally or physically abusive? Do you cheat? Do you spend your weekends out with the boys? Gambling, drinking, drugs etc.?
    You make it sound as if being a CDer makes someone immune to this, and if a woman is not in a relationship with a CDer, she will be abused. You need to consider that there are CDers who are abusive, who cheat, and who are compulsive gamblers, shoppers, drinkers, or druggers. Just as there are non-CDers who are not.
    Reine

  23. #23
    Senior Member Stephanie Miller's Avatar
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    Say Dorothy, I have an idea.. you work on that "I really just wish I could snap my fingers and change her mind." thing. When you get it to work, drop me a line. I think I can help us BOTH make a lot of money with it.

    Until then, it might not be a bad idea to have her enrole in a human sexuality type class to hear it from someone in the science community for an unbiased perspective. (as well as get school credit) Not that either you or the christian community are biased in thoughts - as differing as they are.. but outside information might be a good thing.

    Oh, one other thing.... think of your walk en femm in the school yard as the one side of the spectrum. The far side is a Harley Davidson convention . Give yurself some time and experience in "real" situations before making any judgments on your
    "I truly feel like I'm in a new day and age of acceptance."
    I'm older than dirt, and yes in my day I've seen some progress.. but we've only just begun.

    P.S. Keep me posted on that finger snappin'

  24. #24
    Chickie Chickhe's Avatar
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    I don't want to be a killjoy, but...4 or 5 years is a long time and you are at an age where you are rapidly learning and growing. You probably will not be together at the end.... but you never know...the chance is very small though. The main problem, she is not near and you can't show her how harmless it is. What I would do is focus your engergy on making many new friends who respect your choice. Friendships you make at school may last a lifetime and help with your career and stuff. And if the girl doesn't work out, you may have someone else to get to know better. What you say is very encouraging about not being harrassed, its a nice trend to see from when I went to school. If I could have been open about CDing when I was young, I know I would have led a much happier life.
    Chickie

  25. #25
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    You make it sound as if being a CDer makes someone immune to this, and if a woman is not in a relationship with a CDer, she will be abused. You need to consider that there are CDers who are abusive, who cheat, and who are compulsive gamblers, shoppers, drinkers, or druggers. Just as there are non-CDers who are not.
    Thanks for putting words in my mouth. True, anyone can develop any of these behavioral problems and addictions. Seeing that Dorothy the OP is a Christian, I'm thinking that being an abusive alcoholic gambler isn't part of the equation at the present time. Let me be just as absurd by asking if you're saying that Dorothy is on drugs? I absolutely agree with the shopping vice!

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