How Do I Convince My Girlfriend that Crossdressing is Harmless?

[Vickie_CDTV]

I'll be the voice of dissent here, at least to a limited degree. It is great that you are not intimate with each other, in that the absolute worst thing to happen would be for you two to have an unwanted child together. There is another thread with a similar theme where they did have a child together and are now bound together in some fashion until the child is grown, and it is good that situation is something you can avoid going through. If your relationship can't be saved, you can just go your separate ways with no ties (and no collateral damage to others either.)

However, I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss your relationship, at least yet. Give her some good, factual information about heterosexual TVism. Give her some time to think things over, you are not going to be married or bound by a child together, so you have plenty of time to talk and think things through. Love is a wonderful thing, and a rare thing, and your relationship could be worth saving. One thing I agree with everyone on is that your TVism will probably not go away. You are very out about your dressing (and you have incredible courage to do so!), but I'd be careful; one thing that may bother her is that she may be embarrassed by it being so out there, it doesn't bother you but it might be hard for her to take the guilt-by-association, so to speak. You also don't want the "crossdresser" label to follow you are everywhere, especially at a workplace (if it can be used against you, it probably will, as my former girlfriend used to say), so please be careful. (I don't know what your field of study is, but if you can work with trans people, as I do, it may make it easier.)

Remember, you did the right thing and told her, and you are allowing her to make up her mind. It was the right thing to do, even though it may be very painful in the present to lose her. You can read all about the disastrous consequences of not telling before marriage and/or children all over this board. You did the right thing, and you certainly deserve credit for that.

[Foxglove]

It's not necessarily a question of "educating" her or giving her time to come to accept you. There are lots and lots of women who want to marry a manly man, pure and simple. If she's that type of woman, she's not "wrong". She has her feelings, she has her preferences, and she's not any more wrong in wanting a non-trans husband than she is in wanting a man rather than a woman. She's made the way she's made.

If you want to marry, you need to find a woman who's OK with a husband who's trans. You're in a position to avoid making a mistake that a lot of us of my generation made, including me. Don't get into a marriage unless you and you're fiancée are in agreement as to how things are going to work for you. Perhaps this woman will eventually decide that she can accept you as you are. If she has religious reasons, or something like that, then you might possibly be able to overcome her religious objections. But if she's opposed to CDing because of her feelings about what she wants in a guy, that's something different.

[ReineD]

There are lots and lots of women who want to marry a manly man, pure and simple.

It's not that simple. If I were to close my eyes and think of the various attributes that have attracted me to the men in my life, I would not be able to say it was because they were manly, or for that matter, feminine. Most people who have not been exposed to this community don't immediately think of "gender" when they fall in love, unless they are specifically into people who blatantly cross the gender lines. They just take it for granted (if they are hetero), that the person they fall in love with is the opposite gender.

When I think of all the men that I know, I couldn't tell you which are more manly than others, because to me they all look like men who have different styles, and they certainly are more manly than me. lol Besides, everyone has a different laundry list of the things that attract them and a lot of it has nothing to do with a particularly stereotypical "manly" look, but has everything to do with intellect, his personality, a certain smile, a certain look in his eyes, his sense of humor, the body language he uses with me ... things that are difficult to define.

And most men I encounter on the street do not fit into the "manly-man", stereotypical look. Almost all men under a certain age are in pretty good shape physically, and almost all men past a certain age are not as in shape as when they were younger. Not all men have huge biceps, are over 6' tall, sport the "not shaved in three days" look, etc.

So, I challenge anyone to define a "manly-man", while staying away from the stereotypes: the Marlboro man, the famous sports jocks, GQ models, the "macho" actors, etc. Most men aren't like that, just like most women are not like models or actresses.

Sorry Annabelle, but I read the notion that most women are attracted to "manly" men in this forum a lot, and I just want to say this is yet another fallacy. Most (hetero) women are attracted to men, period. They can be quite ordinary men, they don't have to be particularly "manly". If this makes sense.

[kittypw GG]

l. How can I convince her that crossdressing is really nothing more than wanting more clothing options? I just want to feel pretty. Today I did. I want to chase that feeling.

You can't because it's not really about more clothing option and you know it deep down inside. Be honest and let the chips fall where they may. If you love her you owe her that.

[Ressie]

Manly man: I think what is meant generally on this forum is men that don't wear women's clothing and aren't gay. I remember Chuck Norris saying that his definition of being a man is hugging your child. I met a TS last week that hunts, works construction and loves to watch football, and is also a good father.

[mikiSJ]

After a disastrous first marriage that really went over the cliff when I first disclosed my CD'ing (after 5 years) I made it a point to be very upfront with any woman I thought I might want to spend a lot of time with. I told my wife, friend, lover (going strong after 37 years) that I crossdressed.

At the time, she was seeing a counselor for issues she had in a first marriage and discussed my CD'ing (he was supportive) and I gave her a book (forget its name) about what CD'ing is and how it can effect marriages.

Since you are both in University, there will be library sections full of books on sexuality and I am guessing there are psychology departments that will provide counseling services for either of you. I would suggest to you that you ask your girlfriend to investigate what she would be getting into. She may come around to accepting, and possibly more. Or, see may never accept your CD'ing and since you are early in your relationship, you can make a decision that will be a lot less impactful upon both of you possibly ending up in a divorce.

[Foxglove]

There are lots and lots of women who want to marry a manly man, pure and simple.

It's not that simple. If I were to close my eyes and think of the various attributes that have attracted me to the men in my life, I would not be able to say it was because they were manly, or for that matter, feminine. Most people who have not been exposed to this community don't immediately think of "gender" when they fall in love, unless they are specifically into people who blatantly cross the gender lines. They just take it for granted (if they are hetero), that the person they fall in love with is the opposite gender.

When I think of all the men that I know, I couldn't tell you which are more manly than others, because to me they all look like men who have different styles, and they certainly are more manly than me. lol Besides, everyone has a different laundry list of the things that attract them and a lot of it has nothing to do with a particularly stereotypical "manly" look, but has everything to do with intellect, his personality, a certain smile, a certain look in his eyes, his sense of humor, the body language he uses with me ... things that are difficult to define.

And most men I encounter on the street do not fit into the "manly-man", stereotypical look. Almost all men under a certain age are in pretty good shape physically, and almost all men past a certain age are not as in shape as when they were younger. Not all men have huge biceps, are over 6' tall, sport the "not shaved in three days" look, etc.

So, I challenge anyone to define a "manly-man", while staying away from the stereotypes: the Marlboro man, the famous sports jocks, GQ models, the "macho" actors, etc. Most men aren't like that, just like most women are not like models or actresses.

Sorry Annabelle, but I read the notion that most women are attracted to "manly" men in this forum a lot, and I just want to say this is yet another fallacy. Most (hetero) women are attracted to men, period. They can be quite ordinary men, they don't have to be particularly "manly". If this makes sense.

Reine, I think we're talking at cross purposes here. I don't really disagree with anything you're saying. Except that when you start talking about the Marlboro man, etc., that certainly wouldn't be my definition of "manly". You'd be getting into my definition of "macho". "Macho" I'm not into. "Manly" I have no problem with. And yeah, we could all write long essays about what we mean by the two terms. They're hard to define.

Manly man: I think what is meant generally on this forum is men that don't wear women's clothing and aren't gay.

Yeah, Dee's got it right here. In the context of my post, that's what I meant: heterosexual, cisgender men. Now I can agree that probably when people get married they're not thinking of some kind of formal definition of "masculine" or "feminine". They're just assuming that they're getting more or less what they want.

But the fact is that when a lot of women discover they're married to a CDer, they're not happy. Whatever their particular definition of "manly" is, "it ain't that kind of man." And if they'd known in advance who they were marrying, no doubt lots of them wouldn't have married them.

This isn't a fallacy. We just need to be clear about what we're talking about here.

Annabelle

[Vickie_CDTV]

Whenever I have seen the term "manly man", I have always read it to indicate a non-crossdressing male as well, not necessarily a real macho kind of guy. Just a guy who does not dress, and perhaps does not deviate radically from society's current accepted gender role, but mostly a man who does not dress.

And sadly that is true, most women who are attracted to men want a "manly man", that is, not one who dresses and is not to way, way out there when it comes to the average male gender role.

[Foxglove]

Whenever I have seen the term "manly man", I have always read it to indicate a non-crossdressing male as well, not necessarily a real macho kind of guy. Just a guy who does not dress, and perhaps does not deviate radically from society's current accepted gender role, but mostly a man who does not dress.

I'd go along with this, Vickie. "Manly" is a guy who fits into the generally accepted notion of what a guy's supposed to be. It's a vague term in a way, because it leaves lots of room for variation. And for me, a lot of times it's a neutral term: not negative (like "macho") and not necessarily positive, either. Just a regular sort of guy. But sometimes it can have positive connotations: a guy who is what a guy should be--that is kind, courteous, intelligent, courageous, generous, etc., all of this done in a masculine way, in contrast to women who will display the same traits in a feminine way.

At any rate, as I said earlier, in the context of this thread, all I meant by the term was "heterosexual, cisgender".

Annabelle

[kittypw GG]

.

Sorry Annabelle, but I read the notion that most women are attracted to "manly" men in this forum a lot, and I just want to say this is yet another fallacy. Most (hetero) women are attracted to men, period. They can be quite ordinary men, they don't have to be particularly "manly". If this makes sense.

I disagree Reine. Most women are attracted to men who are not feminine. It is that simple. Women are attracted to all of thoses things you mentioned in a man who is a man not one who acts feminine or dresses up like a girl. If what you say is so true then why do these relationships most often fail??? And don't blame it on society either. I think it is pure attraction. The more feminine my husband got the less I was attracted to him because I'm not attracted to females.

[Sheila]

We have a GG only section on the forum where your gf could come and talk to other GG's who have all been where she is & yes some are religious .... she will need to be a member here in here own right do an introductory post int the intro section and have 10 meaningful posts before applying to join the FAB section of the forum .... we don't persuade but we between us have lots of experience and can perhaps give her a different perspective to view things from

[Matia]

The number of women who are happy to remain in a relationship with a crossdresser or MTF transsexual who wants to "feel pretty" is rather small, so it's unlikely you're going to get the OK to continue.

If you are on the transgender spectrum you are on it for life. This thing is not going to go away. You need to think about that before you start discussing marriage with your current partner.

I dont think that number is so small, imo its all about personality

[lostlove]

I agree with Sheila, if you can get her to join the forum. It might help her to get some answers to her questions and understand why men CD.

[Angela Campbell]

I had a live in girlfriend once who was very accepting. I think she was accepting because she was attracted to me before she knew and then as we learned more about each other she admitted to some rather kinky desires she had, like being spanked and tied up etc...I think she figured since she had some kinks that my kinks were kind of cool too. We learned a lot from each other. There are all types out there. Some women will never understand and never accept it and some will. The women I have been married to would never have accepted it and were disgusted by crossdressing and anything in the tg world. A bi girl or a somewhat kinky girl who is in to experimentation is a better candidate for acceptance it seems to me. A very conservative and straight laced woman will probably not be interested at all.

[Sarahcd_legs]

When I told my girlfriend about my dressing, she wanted to know why, I just told her to google why men dress, There is alot of good information why we do. She did what I said and she even commented on some pictures that she found. She thought it was amazing how some guys can look so fem when done up. I told her it was something I enjoye from time to time.

[NicoleScott]

When I told my girlfriend about my dressing, she wanted to know why, I just told her to google why men dress, There is alot of good information why we do.

I think there's a danger with this approach. Some men dress because it excites them sexually. Some dress because they have a strong feminine identity and want to express it by dressing (among other ways). Some believe they are woman with a mismatched body and feel that is just natural to dress as a woman. I would think that your GF wants to why YOU dress rather than why others dress. "Here are lots of reasons. Pick one."
A SO might accept that her man dresses for sexual excitement, and might even use that fact to enhance bedroom activities, as long as he is still her man. She may be totally unaccepting of her crossdressing partner publicly expressing a feminine identity, wanting to increase en femme time, wanting to feminize face and body, and wanting to be her girlfriend. And, of course, the opposite reaction may happen. Why not answer the question directly?