what is male mode?

[Confusedandalone]

I'm really struggling with my SOs crossdressing. It's new to both of us but I'm feeling like the guy I fell in love with has vanished. I'm not attracted to women and I find his CD disconcerting. I much prefer him dressed as a man. However, he wants to dress as a woman all the time. His version of CD at this point is women's clothes but still presenting as male (women's jewelry, shoes and maybe shirt, male jeans and jacket.) He sees this as still dressing male.

Am I wrong to want to see him in a suit? I find him sexy as hell as a man and I wasn't looking for a new girlfriend!

[Jenniferathome]

Hi there and welcome the weird world of crossdressing. No, you are not wrong. For anyone in your circumstance I always ask: have you talked about this with him? You have a right to set boundaries about crossdressing but you have to talk about it. That is just step one.

[suzy1]

You are not wrong. We get this sort of story all the time here. A man gets married and then latter his wife finds out he is a crossdresser.

You can try to accept it but you don’t have to. You did not know about this when you marred him I presume?

I hope you can work something out. You are just as important as he is in the marriage!

All the best,

SUZY

[Joanne f]

Male mode is when someone who likes to CD is dressed in all male clothes as opposed to being dressed in their female clothes, something in-between the two maybe something more androgynous looking, and you are not wrong for wanting him to dress in male suits as he is not wrong for liking more female styles so it is a question of finding a balance that will suit both of you , how would you feel if he wore a woman's trouser suit .

[Ann Thomas]

Joanne is right about what we call male mode. And you're right about your feelings too. A compromise is always best, balancing the lives of two people involved as you are.

One thing to keep in mind is he may or may not have known how much desire he had to crossdress until he had the opportunity, or maybe it increased with age beyond what he thought it would. For me, it was a moderate concern of mine before I married my second wife, but it then increased as I aged, creating tension and she raised lots of questions like yours.

For me, it can't be helped, as it is genetic. I didn't know this was going to happen to me and still don't know where it's leading to. I found out my dad did the same, but I didn't find this out until a short time before he died of cancer. Five years later I found out my son was going down the same path, even though I had hidden both mine and my dad's from him.

All the best, dear,
Ann

[ReineD]

Different accessories are more or less popular, depending on the age/generation and also the socio/economic milieu. For example, my teenage son wears a woven necklace and no one thinks anything of it (he's not a CD).

That said, here are the differences between my SO's male and female modes:

In male mode: He has long hair tied at the nape. This is acceptable in his work environment (academic), since half the men in his department have long hair that they tie back. In order to save time getting ready when he goes out, he has let his fingernails grow longer than men usually wear them. A few people have noticed, but it is no big deal. He also keeps his body shaved at all times, also to not spend more than 45 minutes should he get ready to go out dressed (he has a busy schedule). He rarely wears shorts in the summer time, so again, this is no big deal. He got his ears pierced years ago, but no one notices the holes in his ear lobes. Or if they do, it doesn't matter since many men also have ear piercings. He often keeps his toe nails painted but again, he wears sneakers so no one knows except me.

In male mode he wears strictly male things, and he'll be the first to admit he is not a snappy dresser. lol. Jeans, Tshirts or polo shirts, socks and white sneakers constitute his look 99.99% of the time. We have a very casual life.

In femme mode: the whole shabang. She wears her hair loose, puts on earrings and other jewelry, makeup, breast forms, waist cincher, hip pads, and feminine clothing with accessories. She has a weakness for stylish clothes, sweaters, shoes, and jewelry. Since her finger nails are long and with all the other gender cues while she is dressed, she doesn't feel that painting them is necessary, which cuts out a huge amount of time when getting ready.

My SO told me something in the beginning of our relationship that I've always cherished. He said that anytime I felt the need to see him in guy mode, I should just say the word and he would revert, even if she had just spent an hour getting ready, with no questions asked. I've never had to do this. At the same time, it is important to him/her to maintain a healthy balance in all aspects of his/her life (not just with the gender presentation), so we get lots of time together in guy mode too.

[BRANDYJ]

Confusedandalone, No you are not being unreasonable at all for wanting to see your guy in a suit. Quite the opposite! It is him who is being thoughtless for not tempering his dressing to please you. I read your other posts and it seems you are more then willing to compromise, but he is not. I don't know your ages, but he seems to think he can dress and do as he pleases and you are supposed to just accept it, like it and go along with it. A relationship is give and take supposedly with love care and concern for your partner. I sadly don't see that the case for your relationship. Seems his way is more important then your feelings. If he can't get his head out of the pink fog, he may well find it will be his way without you. I sincerely wish you the best.

[Miriam-J]

The others have covered the definition of male mode well, and I agree wholeheartedly with the need to find balance for both of you. Perhaps you already recognize that his need to dress in "female mode" is necessary and probably impossible to fully stifle. But for many of us it is important to exercise the "male mode" frequently as well - though the amount of each varies from person to person and couple to couple.

I find it important to maintain my male mode most of the time, for my wife's sake as well as my own. She married a man and deserves to have one, and not just in bed - even though she knew of my crossdressing long before we wed. I am sensitive to the cues that she considers most important in a man, so I keep my chest and leg hair, and I only wear a nightie to bed on occasion. These cues are important to me as well, as a reminder of the man I am and always will be. At the same time, she is quite comfortable with me entering female mode to varying degrees at various times through the week, satisfying my own innate needs. At these times I may just sit around in a dress, or may go all out with my appearance. On occasion we even go out to eat together or shopping while I am in female mode (also called "dressed en femme").

There's another aspect of this that can be disturbing to some. From what I've learned, some crossdressers seem to drastically change their attitudes and behaviors when dressed, even around the home. I can understand how this might disturb a wife even more, and should be discussed together. Note though that some behavioral adjustments are necessary if the female mode is used outside the home, if only to avoid attracting adverse attention from the public, and that these behaviors must be practiced at times in the home if they are to be performed adequately in public. Again, you and your partner must work together to find an appropriate balance for you both.

Good luck as you work through all this. For most it's certainly not easy.

Miriam

[LelaK]

Most are not Gay

I don't think I've read your other posts, but if you're concerned that your S.O. may be secretly gay, that seems to be highly unlikely, as it seems that at least 80% and possibly over 90% of cross-dressers are straight. Most of us prefer intimate relationships with women, but also like to dress like women.

So I think the probability is that your S.O. is attracted to you and would like to be like you, except that s/he appears to be experiencing the typical male behavior of immaturity and inconsideration. Men generally mature more slowly than women, you know. We/they thus retain somewhat selfish tendencies way too long.

It would be nice if s/he might like to chat with other CDs on a forum like this, but I suppose it might be awkward for you to invite him/her to this one, at least for a while. (It's a bit awkward trying to use the right pronouns in places like this. Some of us don't mind being called he, but a lot of CDs appear to prefer to be called she, at least when they're dressed en femme. So I try to combine pronouns when discussing with S.O.s.)

[Beverley Sims]

You still have the man you started out with.
Maybe suggest he dress up passable as a girl occasionally and present as a man more often.
I think dressing in female clothes and passing as a man does not work at all.
Just get him to slow down a bit to satisfy you, because you most likely won't stop it completely.
If you have more concerns keep asking. There is plenty of good advice here.
If you are looking for a lasting relationship you will have to work at it.
All the best for now.

[Confusedandalone]

Thank you all. I'm not worried that he's gay but I'm just not attracted to him in women's clothes. He has finally acknowledge that I don't need to be attracted to him when he's dressed in women's clothes but it puts a huge strain on the relationship if that's the only way he's dressing. To be honest, hearing somebody else say he's being selfish is a huge relief. I've been afraid to even think it for fear that I wasn't being understanding enough.

We're both in our forties and have been together for almost 6 years. This isn't something he hid from me, it's a new thing for him too. For a variety of reasons there's nobody I can talk to about this and needless to say it is a sensitive subject between us. He has gotten better about really hearing my concerns but I still feel as if he's going to do whatever he wants.


It's been a really hard year for us. We lost a premature baby the end of July and as you can imagine that coupled with the trying to navigate cross dressing is exhausting. I can't begin to tell you how much the support from this forum means to me. Thank you all for being so kind.

[Chardonnay Merlot]

It's been a really hard year for us. We lost a premature baby the end of July and as you can imagine that coupled with the trying to navigate cross dressing is exhausting. I can't begin to tell you how much the support from this forum means to me. Thank you all for being so kind.

The above could possibly play a factor in why he may be dressing more than he might normally do. For me sometimes, stress can be a trigger.

In any case, like any relationship that has to be communication and room to compromise or it just doesn't work, and both sides need to be open to give a little.

Hold hands and stick together. It sounds like you two are doing that.

I love "male mode". I like my male clothes because they fit my personality, they're in the colors I like and I have thing for suits. I love power clothes.

I have no problems with my masculinity whatsoever. I enjoy the person I am as a man and wouldn't change that.

At the same time, I embrace this inner girl I have. I love my femininity and enjoy expressing just the same. It all a part of the whole person for me.

[ReineD]

To be honest, hearing somebody else say he's being selfish is a huge relief. I've been afraid to even think it for fear that I wasn't being understanding enough.

It's always nice when there's a natural ebb and flow between couples, when they are each aware of each other's needs and they accommodate one another. But, unfortunately it doesn't always happen naturally and sometimes things need to be spelled out. If this is all new to your husband he may be blissfully unaware of your needs?

There may be not too difficult ways to resolve this, but first would you mind providing a few more details?

1. Have you told him outright that you would like a specified amount of time when he does not put on women's things? If so, what has been his reaction?

2. What is the degree of "outedness" ... does he go out in your neighborhood/family functions/out with friends/etc with jewelry, women's shoes, tops, etc, or is this just at home? You said he wears these things all the time, is this to work as well?

3. If so, how comfortable are each of you with having everyone in your community know that your husband is a crossdresser?

4. Is the environment you live in amenable to cross gender expression ... do you live in a small town or an urban area, and do you feel there are social negative consequences to your husband wearing jewelry, women's shoes, tops, etc, when he's out and about? Or, does your husband think of his presentation choices as redefining for himself a more feminine men's style vs. outright crossdressing?

5. Does he ever dress fully as a woman with makeup, breast forms, etc? If not, would you be more open to a sharper division between his guy and femme presentations, meaning full on CDing in the next town over on a regular basis, with the time spent closer to home in full guy mode?

In short, what are your husband's goals with the CDing and what are your own limits, if any, as to presentation?

[Brenda79135]

If this is truely new to both of you as stated, he is like a child in a candy store. He wants everything he can get. But, like a child, he has to hear NO, you can't have everything. Responsibiltiy to you and the relationship is just as important as his dressing. Talk to him and start establishing boundries on his (and yours) attitudes in the relationship.

[Confusedandalone]

Thank you SO much. I just feel like crying lately from the stress if it all and I REALLY hate the half male/half female thing although I haven't told him that. He's so sensitive about the subject that it's difficult to have conversations. He's the youngest of three and definitely has the baby of the family mentality- I want what I want NOW. I just want some balance. He feels that if he compromises then he's not true to himself.

He does the half male/half female dressing all the time- work, home, whenever. He did dress in a suit for the memorial service but still had his purse. We obviously live in a community where he's physically safe to do it but it still leads to some uncomfortable situations. I have told him that due to the very limited opportunities we have to have a date that I was going to be selfish and ask him to be dressed only in mens clothes. Our schedules are so crazy busy what I wanted to be able to enjoy those rare opportunities with the man I started dating. And when I say only in mens clothes it always means there's panties underneath. He won't budge on that and I'm not willing to push that topic anymore

Sigh. I just feel so.... I don't even know what. Adrift? Lost? I love him and want to support him but I worry that the CD is more important than us and that maybe I need to wake-up and see that.

[Brianna612]

he is like a child in a candy store.

I liken my coming out to the candy store theme. When I finally became comfortable with my fem side I went all out. Would dress for days, makeup, long nails, formal and non formal gowns. I could care less about the people around me. I had to try it all to understand what I really needed. I did settle down and now have complete control of myself. I just needed to try all the different candy bars to know which ones taste good to me. What a trip. With that being said my relationship with my fem side Brianna, is like any other relationship, constantly changing and needs a tune-up every once in a while.

If s/he is in this stage you might expect much of the same until s/he figures out what s/he needs are. I went to a very good Therapist that greatly helped me find myself and clear my mind. Maybe a good couples Therapist with a understanding of TG issues would help see you through this. It is very nice for you two that you are willing to work with this. My X wife was not and after two visits to the Therapist she quit and that was it. With a little help sounds like you two will make it. Good Luck.

[Miriam-J]

We occasionally read of cases like this here, sometimes from the CD and others from the SO. The CD either fails to acknowledge their obvious selfishness, or regards their own needs as more important than their responsibility to the relationship. I read these stories with astonishment, especially since they're so contrary to the usual case described by several already in this thread where the CD is in admiration of the SO and seeks her good more than anything. I don't see how any of these cases can work out well - they seem just as bad as the hard Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT) attitudes of many SOs.

Any of us involved in a relationship must care for the needs and desires of our partner, and it sounds as though you've tried hard to be understanding and accepting. At this point I think you need to assess the boundaries of your own comfort level and negotiate them with your husband. You might do well to check them for reasonableness here first, if only to have a good sounding board.

I wish you well as you struggle with this. Please feel free to send any private messages that you feel would help you work through it.

Miriam

[Inna]

I suppose first of, you need to have a clear perspective on what is going on!

Crossdressing as with any TG condition, surfaces despite individuals perspective on life, it simply isn't a choice!!!!!

And even though choosing to dress or not dress, seems to someone out side of this predicament as a choice between self and others around them, but it isn't!!!!!

Best analogy I can project is a fact of breathing. TG condition is inherent, it is within, just as the need to breath is an intrinsic to our survival. Breathing rejuvenates body as it is necessary to life, act of projecting an image consistent with female core within does the same to the spiritual part of someones life, without this expression they starting to die slowly within, just as their body would without the fresh breath of air.

He can not stop, and often, needs it more and more as he finds out about how his core being really needs it.

Now, all that said, it is based on someone truly TG, but such can only be determined by the therapy with a TG experienced therapist.

Do your selves favor and go for therapy to uncover the truth behind his condition, it will help you but even more so, will help him to understand him self.

[Tracii G]

You need to find a balance and he needs to be sensitive to your wishes too if he is not then he is being selfish IMO.
You deff are not alone in your thinking.
Have a talk and set some boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not.
I tend to mix the genders as far as clothes but when we are out together as a couple I tone it down and play the male role to be fair to her.

[Karren H]

You sound like my wife..... if I get too feminine... boom..... and you have every right to expect him to dress like you want..... its a partnership and you have the ruling vote.... imho... if he's not willing to do that for you then maybe its time to kick him to the curb?

[BRANDYJ]

Karen is right! You do have the ruling vote! You do have every right to set boundaries concerning his dressing habits. To be honest, if he chose to wear feminine things carry a purse and wear makeup while out with me as a friend, I'd refuse to be seen with him! You as his SO also have the right to say, dress like that in public, you can go alone.I refuse to be embarrassed being seen with you dressed this way. Time to put your foot down or plant it firmly in his rear end. Don't become a doormat to his selfish wants.

[Annie D]

I certainly understand what you are saying; it is the same thing that most of married cd'ers hear from our wives as well. You said that you think that he is sexy in a suit and you really wish that he would return to being that person and not the person who he is now. I believe that we are pretty much the same person who we were when we first met and got married. We have evolved somewhat, not into another person but to the person who we were all along. We are all like a slab of rock who the artist chips and fashions into a beautiful sculpture. He was there all along, it is just now that all the rough edges have been chiseled away.

Not speaking for your husband, I can say that when I am dressed as Annie, even wearing only a few feminine articles of clothing, I feel sexy. I have a picture of what I think is attractive, alluring and somewhat sexy in a woman and I simply want to present myself in a similar manner to my partner/wife. I am not turned off by seeing two women together as partners and although my wife doesn't necessarily share with my same sex acceptance, she allows me to express myself to her as my true self. Over time she has come to realize that I am the same person but I just dress differently at times.

In time, I hope you will accept him and understand that he still loves you the same way when he said " I do" whether in a man's suit or a woman's outfit.

[Kate Simmons]

Only he can answer that question Hon. To do that, however, he needs to find out who he is first. Feel free to PM me if you don't understand what I mean.

[Lady Slipper]

Confusedandalone, I wish I had more to offer than sympathy and support, but we are eager to help!

[ReineD]

Dressing half woman/half man is really ridiculous LOOKING to me (and my Tara feels the same way). No-this is NOT dressing as a male.

You two need to set up some BOUNDARIES. YOU need your MAN, & he needs to feel like a WOMAN ...hopefully 'sometimes' will do it for him?

This is a good point. Confusedandalone, how exactly does your SO see himself? Does he WANT to feel like a woman, or is he trying to express himself as a feminine male? There's a huge difference between the two. If he does want to feel like a woman, he is not presenting in a way that matches this. Has he expressed a desire to dress fully, or is he still trying to figure it out?

Sorry for all the questions, I'm still trying to figure out what are your SO's ultimate goals, to make suggestions for appropriate compromises.


... actually, I do have a last question if you don't mind. Given your SO's needs to express femininity of some kind, what would be YOUR ideal compromise in terms of how he presents himself, whether he shaves or not, and what he does or where he goes when wearing feminine things?