They say all good things must come to an end

[Frédérique]

My opportunities to dress will be minimal, and will likely dry up to nearly nothing. My vast wardrobe will just sit there, unused, and I'll be longing for any chance to slip into a pretty dress, even if for a very short time, should the occasion present itself.

[SIZE="2"]SAD!!! I feel for you, my dear...

It’s like the foundation has shifted, the mountains are crumbling, the oceans are drying up, and we are hurtling, en masse, towards a VERY black hole. TGMarla won’t be able to dress? Say it ain’t so...


Once upon a time, my art teacher told me that if you really want to do something, you’ll find the time (and, I assume, the place) to do it. I hope you can deal with this new, unwanted situation with your characteristic grace and aplomb, and find a way to carry on with your crossdressing “career.” My father used to tell me that difficult things take time, but impossible things just take a little longer – love WILL find a way, as the song goes...

A big hug for you, Marla: [/SIZE]

[Foxglove]

And you're not being selfish. You're being TG.

...and on this note I completely disagree. This was BY FAR one of the most selfish attempts at gaining sympathy that I have ever seen on this site, and I offered absolutely no advise because, quite frankly, none is deserved.

Erica, what's going on? You're free to disagree. That's fine. But you're really coming on strong here. Why is this?

A selfish attempt at gaining sympathy? Well, that's the way you read it. I certainly didn't read at that way. And anyway, is sympathy so out of place on a forum like this?

You know, my dad was always the athletic type--basketball, softball, golf. Even after he got too old to play basketball and softball, he continued with golf. He's been a devoted (fanatical) golfer all his life. The last time I talked to him he told me that at the grand old age of 84, it appears that at long last he's going to have to give it up. He just hasn't got in him anymore. And I sympathized with him--because I know how much it's always meant to him.

Was that wrong? And if it wasn't, if it's OK to sympathize with someone who's going to have to give up golf, is it wrong to sympathize with a transperson who's going to have difficulty expressing her TGism? I find it amazing that one transperson would be so strident towards another. "She doesn't deserve any advice?" OK, it's up to you. We'll agree to disagree.

Marla's basic problem is that her wife doesn't approve, a common one on this forum, and she's admitted that the problem is one of her own making. So she's going to have to work from there, as she knows, and if anybody wants to try and advise her, they're going to have to work from there, too. But if all somebody wants to do is have a go at her, it's hard for me to see how that's helpful.

Annabelle

[suchacutie]

Marla, since it's likely that the majority of us has faced some "forced" male time, I'd like to suggest that we avoid trying to invade your marital situation and offer suggestions about how some of us have gotten around time away from our femme selves.

The last time we knew that Tina was going to be "in the closet" for a while, my wife suggested that I pack a small suitcase and take an inexpensive hotel room for a day and transform there. This would give me the option of also bringing alone whatever it was that I'd be doing that day (crochetting project, book to read, computer work that I would have done at home, etc) or just get dressed and go shopping or whatever it is you might do during the day. Since you won't be sleeping there you only need a room so the amenities don't need to be terrific, just nominally secure.

I hope others have constructive suggestions about what might be done. It seems that you think that more time with your wife in the building will not make it more possible to raise the issue of Marla-time. I hope that turns out not to be correct.

best wishes.

[bridgetta]

funny how we are the mirror thru which we see the world..

[Foxglove]

You know, folks, some of the things said on this thread have given me things to think about.

Imagine this dialogue:

Young man (going down on one knee and opening a little jewelry box with a diamond ring in it): My darling, I love you with all my heart and soul. Will you marry me?

Young woman: Oh, yes, I will! But my love, I'm afraid there's something I have to confess to you: I'm a woman.

Young man: Huh?

That's kind of why he wants her and she wants him, right? But suppose she'd said, "I'm trans." What's he going to say then? That could change things, right?

And that's the mistake a lot of us made. We forgot the "I'm trans" part when we were getting married. What's simple for them isn't so simple for us. There's lots of women out there really upset with us (though some are OK with it), and it's easy to understand why. Except that some of us here seem to be forgetting what's going on. Most of us here know what gender dysphoria is, and we also know what heterosexual love is. That's our dilemma, and it is a b*** of a dilemma. And it's really hitting Marla square in the face now.

It's the advantage cisgender people have: they get to be themselves all their lives, and nobody thinks anything about it. If we try to be ourselves, a lot of people treat us like freaks.

I know where Marla is right now because I'm in a somewhat similar position myself: it was a relief to me in a way when my son left me. That's our dilemma: what we are separates us from those who are most dear to us. If my parents had ever known about me, they would have disowned me. I don't know about my brother and sister or all the rest of my extended family or my friends. We never can guess. If people we love find out what we are, chances are we're going to lose some of them. No woman ever lost anybody she loved because they realized she was a woman, nor has any man ever lost anybody because they found out he was a man. But we do lose people.

And now it's being suggested that Marla has somehow done wrong because for the last while she's had a lot of time to be herself. There's suggestions here that she got spoiled or she's being selfish. What woman has ever been told she's spoiled and selfish because she's behaving like a woman? What man's ever been accused of being spoiled and selfish because he's behaving like a man? But when a transperson really wants and needs to be trans, she's being told she's spoiled and selfish. She's got to accept that she's going to have to give up being herself.

Yes, things are going to change for her. And this is something that really hurts me. Shouldn't it hurt all of us? When you're trans, if you really want to be trans, it's going to cost you a lot. When you're trans, if you don't want to be trans, it's going to cost you a lot. We're all aware of the price we have to pay.

'Taint fair. Life isn't fair. It's just that this thread is getting to me a bit because it sounds like there's a bit of guilt-tripping going on here. I don't know about the rest of you, but I've had plenty of that.

Annabelle

[FionaO]

First of all I have to say I will really miss Marla. She and I share the same taste and there is not one of her dresses that I wouldn't love to wear myself and she has often commented on my vast array of beautiful frocks. That is another thing we have in common that we both seem to spend a lot of time acquiring new dresses. And you cannot fully appreciate a new dress until you get dressed to the nines and take a photo.
I have been through a similar situation to Marla but in reverse but with the same results. I used to work a lot away from home and spend about 10 nights a month in hotels on my own. These were great opportunities to dress and even get out shopping en femme. However I now work full time from home, as does my wife so the chances to dress are very limited. Not being away from home all the time is great for my physical and mental health so I am delighted that Marla's wife is able to reduce the stress in her life but also sympathise with Marla. If you read Marla's thread properly you can see that she is also happy for her wife's change in circumstances. It is not a one versus the other situation.
What have I done to get through my change in circumstances for over ten years?
I still buy loads of dresses and then when the opportunity arises and I have a full day to myself I will have a session with often 5 or 6 new dresses. One of the best things is that I have used the fact of being at home all the time to improve my health. I have become a fitness fanatic and have lost about 30 pounds so now I look much better in my dresses with my trim figure. The strange thing is that if I have an opportunity to dress or go for a ten mile run I often choose the latter as I love looking great. Hopefully beautiful Marla with find something to help her situation.
Fiona O

[Angela Campbell]

Yes crossdressing is pretty selfish. With that thought in mind.......If you end up with your clothes just sitting there I would be glad to keep them for you for a while.....for a nominal fee of course.

[Jamiegirl1]

...and on this note I completely disagree. This was BY FAR one of the most selfish attempts at gaining sympathy that I have ever seen on this site, and I offered absolutely no advise because, quite frankly, none is deserved.

Wow,how can you be so callous? you obviously have a relationship where your wife accepts your dressing...Most of us have to hide it and hear all the negative comments from our wives....I will be in the same boat in a year or so,I will retire and have no place to dress as well.......Marla is not being selfish.she is just not going to be able to be herself anymore,that is hard to deal with.......I feel for Marla.........Jamie

Marla,I feel for you Hun,I will retire in a year or so and will not be able to dress at home..I dress away from home now,but will have no excuse to leave and get dressed very often......It is unfortunate our wives don't approve or understand our need to dress and be fem......maybe you can find a hobby that gets you out of the house and you can dress away from home......I keep all my clothes and makeup in my truck,with a camper shell,in boxes in the back.........Good Luck Hun....Jamie

[andrea35]

Hi Marla, can you maybe confide your situation with a good friend and maybe be able to dress at his or her place? or perhaps rent one of those rental spaces so you can keep your things there and then have access or even dress there for small outings?

[linda allen]

Do we have to be mean to Marla? She's one of us, and a very nice one of us, too. Whether she's asking for it not, she's got my sympathy. Now I wonder if I can help her out?

No and I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to find out why she posted what she did. There's not much point in a forum where all the responses ade "poor baby, this is hard on you."

Quitting dressing is not like quitting smoking or alcohol. Tobacco and alcohol are not a part of your intrinsic makeup. TGism is.

That's nothing but a tired and overused excuse for a lack of self control. Crossdressing is something you do. You can stop by just not doing it. It may not be easy but you can stop. Consider this - You are put in jail. Would you stop crossdressing? You join the army and live in a barracks with other men or are sent to a war zone. Would you stop crossdressing? You suffer from a medical condition or an accident and are moved into a nursing home. Would you stop crossdressing?

Marla may be put in a position where she must either stop crossdressing or lose her wife. Personally, I am fortunate enough that my wife has accepted my dressing but if she didn't, I would quit dressing rather than lose her.

[JamieQ]

I personally believe things go in cycles. Give it time and I am sure opportunity will knock again...

[Barbara Ella]

This is a rough situation that hits home for a lot of us.Must disagree with the notion that cross dressing is merely something you do tht can be stopped if one really wants to. Not so. Every one's situation will, of course. be different, but the deep psychological nature of this activity makes it one you cannot quit, you can only delay. The desire will always be there, and ignoring it will have the noted consequences thst will surface in your behavior from day to day.

Marla will not have an easy time of it. I hope you will find a suitable arrangement with your wife for some partial dressng time. I feel fortunate to have two half days to dress. Cannot go all out to the nines, but I keep myself comfortable.

I do feel for anyone who suddenly finds themself unable to do something they have become accustomed to doing, regardless of what it is. This change in routine can be a blow to the psyche.

Best to you Marla dear.

Barbara

[Debra Russell]

Marla, I feel the angst, anxiety and pain Yeah everybody! it's real I am in the exact same situation after my wife lost her job and my son my daughter and grandson all move in - my house is like a zoo - no free time ever and there use to be loads of free time. So things change and have to get use to a new schedule - do some creative planning. My wife sees me dressed now and then - doesn't approve but is not in my face about it and realizes that on some scale it's good for me. I have got new clothes ,some she bought me, I just bought new boots and no telling how long they will sit there wanting to get out! I have been trying to find some time for maybe a whole day to be dressed and out but with the new "schedule" an hour here or there is about the best thats going to happen.

Marla some times we have to adapted to something that will get us by for the time being - I tend to shop a lot. I know you will find an outlet for Marla ; however albet not as fullfilling and for me it is good to have a confidante to talk to - in this case my grandaughter as she knows and understands and I think tomarrow I will wear my new boots to work -- Marla good luck - keep us posted -look for a way and the force be with you...........................Debra

[VeronicaMoonlit]

But this is now all going to change. I'd thought for years about what it was going to be like when we both retired, and my wife and I would be home together most of the time. I'd wondered what would become of my crossdressing, and whether not being able to dress would begin to wear upon me. Well, I'm going to find out sooner than I'd expected.

Devil's advocate question: Okay then.... you knew the day would come....what did you do to prepare for it?

I can guess you did what a lot of transfolk have done (including me), take the easy path of non-communication. Doesn't work very well does it. DADT isn't a long term sustainable solution to the trans-issues, we both know this. I feel sympathy, but you did know this day would come.

I've said for a very long time that crossdressing is a very selfish habit, and this change in my circumstances magnifies that opinion.

I wouldn't call it a habit at all, its a deep part of you isn't it, it's not like smoking...it's a part of your internal image/identity, isn't it? And while I think that transfolk can be selfish at times, the trans isn't necessarily selfish in and of itself. If you did anything "wrong" it was in the taking of easy path and relying on DADT and not communicating like you should have. But hey, the communication would have been scary, wouldn't it, easier to not talk about it, so that's what you did. Sure it was a bad idea, but can I blame you for it? Not really.

But worst of all for me, the selfish crossdresser,

you're not being selfish in the crossdressing itself.

Please spare me the "you should have worked this out with her years ago" responses.

Yes, you should have and you "know" you should have....why didn't you?

One can talk with one's wife until one is blue in the face about issues like crossdressing, and still not get her to change her opinions regarding the issue.

That's a rather absolute statement there. It's assuming the negative and assuming things will never change. I assumed the negative about my family, before I told them. They were saddened that I did not trust them enough and didn't trust their love for me.

While she is tolerant of such behavior in others, understanding transgenderism to some degree, she doesn't want to deal with it in her own husband.

Fine then...if she doesn't want to deal with it in her husband...there's the door...she can leave. But if she stays...and she did stay after she found out.....she has to learn to deal with it, not put her head under a rock, cover her ears and go "la la la" or otherwise ignore the elephant in the room. The lack of communication isn't just your fault, it's hers too. She could have initiated discussion as well.

I never disclosed it to her prior to our marriage,

Times were different then and there weren't websites like this one or many books or whatnot that we have today so you're off the hook on this one.

But all you young transfolk out there thinking of getting married need to tell BEFORE marriage. And better yet, figure out who you are before you ever even THINK about mariage. Don't want to tell her you're just a CD and then 15 years later figure out you want to transition.

No more femme time. No more dresses, no more high heels. No long, pretty hair, no lipstick. No nylons or lacy slips.

Who says? Sure you've had the "dress while wife is away" version of DADT, but that doesn't mean you couldn't pull a Kim Huddle and do the "I dress while away from home" version of DADT, at least in the short term.

I have another month, maybe five weeks, at the most. Then it all goes away, maybe for good.

Don't say that, don't think that...think positive...think of what you can do to "fix the issues". Don't fall into inaction, take action.

Awe, I wish I had advice for you on this one! This is one really good perk of my having a job that keeps me on the road.

I'm glad you responded, and that's a good point, but the inverse of Marla's situation applies to you. What would happen if you didn't get to travel for work anymore. You too, need to prepare for this.

She's seen shows that involve transexual women, and has shown a great deal of empathy with them - almost an understanding. Yet only yesterday she saw an ad for that drag race show, with the overtly crossdressed drag queens, and had a very negative reaction to them.

Maybe she equates crossdressing with drag queens...when as we both know, most crossdressers have more in common with the TS folks, just to a different degree. Could you explain that to her? How you felt when you were young and so on?

So while we don't (yet) discuss my propensity to crossdress, she still seems completely against the idea.

Now is the time to discuss the issues.

And as near as I can read her, she hasn't yet put two and two together and figured out that part of my aversion to this "work from home" change is that she will be putting a severe, if not complete, cramp in my opportunities to crossdress and enjoy my femme time.

Explain it to her, how your alone time allowed you to "keep it out of sight, out of mind". Talk about your feelings.

For all of you that suggest that this whole conversation finally be put on the table, you may be right.

Not "may be right" but "are right" you know you've put it off for too long already.

But it's simply not as easy to do as it is to say it should be done.

I know, really I do and I sympathize, but has waiting made it any easier? Will more waiting make it any easier? No it won't. It's time to, as is sometimes said here, "put on your big girl panties and deal with it"

I know I'd feel extremely uncomfortable being dressed around her.

I know! Even after I told my immediate family I was still uncomfortable abou tthem seeing me en femme or seeing anything femme related. I still had to deal with the same of it....which is hard, I know.

And even if she were to seemingly embrace it all (won't happen),

Never say never, always have hope.

In short, even having this conversation has the greater odds of not ending well. So I'm loath to even bring it up.

But "not" having this conversation, has it been a good thing? It's been "avoidance" and that's a bad thing. These things need to be talked about, they "should" be talked about, and I'm not just saying that to just you....that goes for several others here as well (Sara, Kathi, Kim....I'm looking at you!)

Time will tell, but I'm not looking forward to this next chapter one bit.

And I don't blame you one bit for that...it's going to be hard, I know.

And that's the mistake a lot of us made. We forgot the "I'm trans" part when we were getting married. What's simple for them isn't so simple for us.

Times were different then.....now things are different. Hopefully the younger transfolk will learn from the mistakes we and others before us made.

No and I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to find out why she posted what she did. There's not much point in a forum where all the responses ade "poor baby, this is hard on you."

That's a good point, which is why in most cases I'm all about the prevention: telling before marriage, not doing the DADT and communicating MORE about this and not having elephants in the room.

That's nothing but a tired and overused excuse for a lack of self control. Crossdressing is something you do. You can stop by just not doing it.

What? Why did you say that? Don't you know that for some, that their CDing is tied to their identity? I'm not just referring to TS folk like me or Proto-TS folk like Sara, but folks like Marla have mentioned many many times about how they felt when young.

You join the army and live in a barracks with other men or are sent to a war zone. Would you stop crossdressing?

Considering that we have exmamples on this board of transfolks not stopping the trans behavior while serving...no some don't stop.

You suffer from a medical condition or an accident and are moved into a nursing home. Would you stop crossdressing?

A nursing home is one's "home", and it won't be long before nursing homes will have to start to deal with GLBT related issues if not already. I do believe that there are already nursing homes that advertise being GLBT supportive.

Veronica

[Terri Andrews]

I am sad about this change in your life ,I don`t think we can change who we are and we were born crossdressers,so I don`t think you are being selfish.
I have been confined to bed since the first of July and the fact that I could not dress was always on my mind . I am just starting to get back to going out and dressing .
I have always enjoyed your post and your beautiful resses ,so please keep us informed .

[ReineD]

So while we don't (yet) discuss my propensity to crossdress, she still seems completely against the idea. And as near as I can read her, she hasn't yet put two and two together and figured out that part of my aversion to this "work from home" change is that she will be putting a severe, if not complete, cramp in my opportunities to crossdress and enjoy my femme time.

Do you think she knows that you crossdress on Saturdays?

If not, I agree, you're in a pickle. Your conversation will be difficult.

But if she does know, then she has an understanding that you do need to dress regularly, even if she does not approve? Is there a chance that she will understand that your needs will not change just because she works from home? And if she is cloistered in her office on Saturdays, does this not afford the two of you a physical separation of sorts in your house, which will still enable you to crossdress without her seeing you?

[Amy Fakley]

I can totally relate to your position, as I'm in sort of the inverse of it. I've telecommuted for almost a decade now. About 4 years ago my wife lost her job and decided to take the opportunity to do the "stay at home mom" thing. Like you, I had to give up what had previously been "40 hours a week full time" (give or take). It was a hard pill to swallow, because like you, I have my reasons for remaining in the closet. It's a double whammy ... you have to give up a huge part of yourself, and you can't even talk about what you're dealing with.

At first I did a lot of drinking (I'm ashamed to say) ... health problems came along and took that option off the table (which was a blessing in disguise I think).

I dunno what to tell you, as far as solutions ... but I recognize that rock and that hard place you're between, 'cause I'm right there with ya. In the mean time, I think I've developed a "camel's hump" of crossdressing ... storing up girlyness when I come across an oasis-opportunity about every 3 or 4 months and taking an insane number of pictures and writing an insane number of diary entries to keep my sanity during the very long dry spells.

best of luck. hang in there!

[paulinescotlandcd]

Erica, you're awfully self-righteous, aren't you? I could not care less about your sympathy or anyone else's for that matter. This coming event in my home situation will constitute a huge change in my lifestyle and my entire situation. This is a support site, where many of us come to discuss things that pertain to our unique activities. This situation is one that I've not ever had to deal with before, so maybe - just maybe - some outside suggestions, ie. support, might be in order. I'll thank you to not bother corresponding with me or "contributing" to my threads anymore if you don't have some kind of positive input to offer. Who are you to determine what is "deserved"? As for you not offering any advice, based on your demeanor so far, I'll look upon that as a very good thing. Feel free to not chime in anymore. I'll not miss your responses.

Well said, I concur with the above.
My wife retires next March and although my wife has known about my CD'ing for 30 odd years I still think we may have issues as I am currently retired and can dress rather a lot providing my son is at work. I would like to offer you some advice but really all I can say is that things always change. No sooner might your wife start working from home than she might get another job. Time alone will tell, but in the meantime you have my sympathy. Best of luck.

[Madam Rose]

Yeah I think you should totally talk to her about this dude. Maybe she will understand.

[Lori B]

I know how you feel Marla.......you have a shoulder to cry on if ya want

[JamieQ]

I personally believe things go in cycles. Give it time and I am sure opportunity will knock again...

I want to add that my wife may be moving from 2nd shift to 3rd. I feel your pain...

[Jessica86]

I'm in the same boat. My wife got laid off when a major health care corportation folded here. She has been searching for another job for months. I have absolutely NO time to myself with two boys as well. I work 12-14 hours a day, so it is hectic. I do miss when my wife would go to work, kids to day care, and I had my one day off each week to do whatever. I would ALWAYS take the time to dress up. I miss it, but at the same time, I enjoy having my wife at home with the kids. The price of day care is CRAZY. It helps alot. Right now, it has been around two months since I have gone out dressed.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Marla, I don't know what more I can say that hasn't already been said
I wish you all the best in your upcoming program.
please do keep us advised.

[JaytoJillian]

You are not selfish Maria! This is a need, a part of you as it is for many others here.
I think you are facing a serious problem as it would only be human to start to resent the intrusion into this part of your life after so much time.

It’s not about your love for your wife or her love for you, it’s the sudden change to a life style you have enjoyed but more importantly needed for many years.

She is bound to notice the change in you as you get stressed out and the only way I can think of to help the situation is to tell her.

If you don’t tell her the pressure on you will rob you of your happiness and put a strain on your marriage and yet telling her could harm the marriage also.

A difficult situation with no easy answers.

Well-said, Suzy. To throw down the "selfish card" without knowing the dynamics in Marla's relationship is to leap to conclusions. I know all too well the joy of stolen moments to exercise this part of me. Yes, I said exercise--in fact imagine if the issue was exercise, and for whatever reasons, Marla's SO did not want her to go to the gym or work out in any way. Would anyone immediately paint her as selfish because she expressed regret about the opportunity to stay fit going away? I didn't think so. For me, CDing exercises my soul and just like working out, it is something that I do for me that makes me feel good. My SO criticizes me for both, so I speak from experience. I hope you figure out a way to make time for you. Try not to be discouraged. Sending positive vibes your way.

Cheers,


Jill

[Amy Fakley]

funny how we are the mirror thru which we see the world..

This, a thousand times ten-thousand times..

There is a lot of good-natured prodding on this thread (and many others) for those of us in the closet to get out of it. To let slip the self-imposed bonds of secrecy; to embrace liberation. "Have that talk with your wife, because you really need too ...you're destroying yourself, it's not a sustainable strategy, it's unfair to her, it's deception ... the longer you put it off the worse it will get ..." etc etc.

Every one of those things may be very true, but what is also true is that making that decision has real-world consequences that cannot be undone. Those of us in the closet have to weigh the consequences of leaving, carefully.

Marla characterized cross-dressing in her OP as a "selfish habit". I disagree, though how we choose to deal with it can be. It could indeed be very selfish to bare your soul to your family in this manner, especially if you have really good reasons to believe the outcome will not be better for anyone involved but you (and even then ... if it ends badly ... not so much).

I know everyone here means well, but getting back to Bridgetta's insightful quote ... we tend to see the world through the lens of our own experience. My posts in this thread adhere as much to that rule as anyone's, but ... before you urge someone to drop a nuke on their marriage, you may want to consider if you are offering this advice from the perspective of someone who took that option, and was extraordinarily lucky.