[SIZE="2"]Which came first for you – the gender identity crisis, or the MtF crossdressing?

Did you think of yourself as a girl, wrongly imprisoned in a boy’s body, so crossdressing just naturally emerged as a form of much-needed expression? Maybe you couldn’t relate to boys in a traditional sense, yet females seemed like kindred spirits, or perhaps your entire existence seemed WRONG, and you wished to achieve some sort of equilibrium via crossdressing...

Or maybe you just naturally gravitated towards crossdressing for a myriad of reasons, and you never thought about an identity crisis. You were fascinated by what kind of clothes the girls wore, and slowly, over time, you inched towards the big moment when you would actually step over the line and become a crossdresser. That last sentence describes my initiation into the odd but wonderful world of MtF crossdressing, and I keep my fascination cultivated at all times...

Of course, once you branch out and explore the CD world you now inhabit, questions of gender identity will emerge – am I really supposed to be a girl, am I on the road to becoming a female, and do I have to be attracted to, or be attractive to, the gender I am leaving behind? These are all decent (and important) questions, but some of us began to crossdress simply because we just like to dress up. Oh, the same questions come rushing into one’s psyche like a flashflood, but you can just crossdress for the sheer pleasure of it...

There are things that are debated ad infinitum in this section, perhaps reflecting the many ways one can either approach or absorb MtF crossdressing – was I meant to BE female, AM I a female, or am I on the path to becoming female? You know, just because there are questions doesn’t mean there are answers. I was born a male, and when I began to dress as a girl the wheels in my mind started turning – the dressing made sense, at long last, and I felt at ease for the first time in my life. However, this nagging gender question persists – was I really supposed to be a girl? What happened? Surely my crossdressing means something, or does it?

Honestly, I see very little difference between the sexes, and this helps me to deflect any notions about gender identity. This revelation arose during my years spent as a boyish boy, doing boyish things and being “aligned” along boyish lines. I had a female cousin two years younger than me, but she was a little more boyish than I was! In her presence, I retained my sensitive nature while she took the lead, and we explored our childhood landscape together. Away from my cousin, I felt ill at ease amongst other boys, not really jibing with all the things they either liked or disliked – I didn’t fit it as a result. Was I really supposed to be a girl? Hmmm...

At the time, that thought never crossed my mind, but when I crossed the genders via dressing I began to see things more clearly. I was not questioning my sexuality, but there was a definite kinship with the “other” side, for lack of a better definition – the genders were blurred, but, to me, my new contours were sharply defined. I will never actually BE a girl, but perhaps I can get very close to an approximation of one, using dressing as a conduit to the denied (not promised) land. Of course I’m going to dress up, and of course I’m going to question why I’m doing it, but this is the best I can do, under the circumstances – I am a boy who wishes to be a girl, but I can never quite reach my destination...

During the course of the day, there is a chance to crossdress, and I always look forward to it, even after years of doing the same old thing. It’s always special, and it’s VERY special to be a boy who dresses like a girl – this is my identity, free of crisis, an end in itself. In my case, the tactile splendor of crossdressing came first, but the “act” opened up a Pandora’s Box of gender identity issues – these are not unwanted, but, if anything, it makes crossdressing that much more mysterious and...dare I say...beautiful. Through MtF crossdressing I get in touch with the gender I am not, and I can dream about being a girl, at least for a little while. This has a nurturing effect, modifying the “boy” into something I want to be...

Of course, you may have never suffered through a gender identity crisis, preferring to simply dress up and enjoy the experience, but it is my concerted opinion that putting on women’s clothing DOES affect one’s mindset about gender. You can’t help but wonder about things, or yearn for things that are just out of reach – alone, in a new environment of your own making, you come face to face with something that is completely unexplainable. Hold that thought while I continue to dress, OK?

Which came first for YOU? [/SIZE]