Understand Crossdressing? (For CD's and GG's)

[Ambergold43]

Hi everyone,

I have been thinking about where crossdresser identity comes from. I have a theory that the identity of crossdressers (that is, how crossdressers understand themselves as a group in relation to our larger society) is reflective of the way in which our culture attempts to understand and rationalize "variations from the norm."

I guess I am curious as to where any of you learned about what it means to be a crossdresser, if anything.

For instance, if you have always done it, when/if you realized you were different from "the norm," how/where did you seek information on what being you thought crossdressing "means." Did you seek-out any information at all?

For SO's or GG's dating/married to a crossdresser (if you care to share): When your SO told you about the crossdressing, what was your initial reaction? Did you assume anything about crossdressers, or have any preconceived notions about it?

I'd like to hear all your thoughts on this topic

[Jenniferathome]

When I was six years old, I knew the difference between "girls" underwear and "boys" underwear. I knew that boys do not ever wear girls underwear. So, when I did wear them, I knew it was to be done in secret. The problem arises in that six year olds are not too stealthy. I never sought information but then, at that time, there was none to be had anyway. It just was and I just enjoyed it. 'Nuf said.

[Amy A]

I'm not sure I know what it means to be a crossdresser, for me this is more discovering more about myself, and trying to free myself from the guilt that I've felt about my gender identity and crossdressing so that I can live my life and hopefully figure out who I need to be. The internet is undoubtedly a great thing for 'different' people to find each other and offer each other support, but when I started dressing (about 10/11) the internet was very much in its infancy and the only references I heard to crossdressing in the media weren't particularly positive. Once I had more access to the internet I was surprised and relieved by how not alone I really was.

Welcome to the forum anyway, you look great!

[Stephenie S]

For goodness sake! Stop trying to figure this out. You can't. Trying to figure out the "why" of something is a typical guy thing. That's why guys are so good at fixing things. Figure it out. Then fix it. But crossdressing doesn't have to be "figured out". In fact, I think that's a distraction.

Crossdressing just has to be enjoyed. Add a little femininity to the mix. Smile. Laugh. Come on, it's fun, isn't it? If it isn't fun, then why bother? And why worry at all about the whys?

Stephie

[Sharon B.]

Before computers one had to travel to large city with a large library and even then you had a hard time finding anything about it.

[JenniferR771]

I thought I was alone for years. Then I saw a show on Phil Donahue afternoon talk and maybe Geraldo. "Which is the husband and which is the wife." And later, "Is this a man or a woman?" Audience votes. Later I went to the library--found almost nothing. Except Dr Ruth. And Alex Comfort" The Joy of sex", Went to a bigger library. Found the book Mrs Doubtfire. Also Mariette Pathe Ally, "Crossdressers and their wives". I could not check them out--as I was hiding it from my wife. Later yet, I found magazines at my local porn store, "Ladylike" and similar.

[Amy A]

For goodness sake! Stop trying to figure this out. You can't. Trying to figure out the "why" of something is a typical guy thing. That's why guys are so good at fixing things. Figure it out. Then fix it. But crossdressing doesn't have to be "figured out". In fact, I think that's a distraction.

Crossdressing just has to be enjoyed. Add a little femininity to the mix. Smile. Laugh. Come on, it's fun, isn't it? If it isn't fun, then why bother? And why worry at all about the whys?

Stephie

I don't think the thread is about trying to figure out 'why', to be honest, it's more about where did you look for information. And this is a forum for discussion about crossdressing anyway!

[LelaK]

I think when I was very young I must have been called pretty or cute. I felt pretty until I was about 5, when Dad made me get ugly haircuts. When I was about 4 I must've told Mother I wanted to be like her when I grow up, because that's when she told me boys can't become women, which I was disappointed to hear.

Society certainly has some absurd notions about gender identity (and probably about loads of other things). I mean it's absurd to equate attractive, soft, comfy, colorful, flowing clothing exclusively with females. And drab clothing is equated with males. It's a bit frustrating that women have been able to be accepted wearing drab clothing, while men are not well accepted wearing anything that's too pretty.

When I've seen CDs on tv, the internet, or in person, I've tended to dislike seeing them with very male features, but have enjoyed seeing those who could pass as female, even if I know they're likely male. I've always been straight, not attracted to men, but I came to find some CDs quite attractive. I could even imagine kissing an attractive CD, but I would never have sexual relations, so I remain straight.

I don't think I'll ever care to go to the trouble to make myself very passable as female, but, since I've been dressing quite a bit in the past few years, I decided lately to try to find a place to talk to other CDs, which brought me here I guess about a week ago. I found it to be much more worthwhile than I expected, because, even though I still don't want to go to great lengths to pass as a female, it seems to be helping me get in touch better with my feminine side.

A couple days ago, I found that I felt relief from the pressure or stress of hiding my feminine side from others by sharing about myself on this forum. I hadn't realized before that there was such pressure on me. It makes me suspect that there's probably still some pressure on me, because I'm still hiding from everyone else. And I suppose it's probably most healthy to stop hiding completely.

The way I experienced the relief was in the form of crying. I cried about all the sadness in my life from having hidden part of myself from everyone. I was sad that my parents didn't want to know that part of me first of all. And then other members of society didn't want to either, esp. males it seems. Males are most strongly brainwashed against adopting characteristics of the opposite sex. This seems to me to explain why males are so violent toward women, children and weaker men. (I mean I think they're obeying their brainwashing which says to resist femininity, maybe even at all costs.)

(P.S. The first cross-dresser I saw was probably Milton Burrell on 50s tv. They used to make fun of CDing a lot and I wasn't impressed with him in drag. In the early 70s I saw Woody Allen's movie, Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Sex.... One part of it was called Are Transvestites Homosexuals. The guy in that wasn't great looking either, but he did a pretty good job, I thought, considering what he had to work with. He was with his wife visiting a couple who were apparently their friends. He got bored or something and pretended to go to the bathroom. Instead he went to their bedroom and started putting on the friend's wife's clothes. Someone came toward the bedroom so he got of the window and held onto the sill. He couldn't hang on long and fell into the yard. He had the woman's purse with him, but a thief took it from him. A bunch of people saw the thief and told a cop. So the cop came and interviewed him. He had a mustache, so he was hiding his mouth and mustache with his hand. The couple and his wife finally came out to see what was going on. It was fairly hilarious. {Oh, I found a good video that shows parts of the scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlO2mVuNchg} {Oh, and probably the first great CDer was the guy in one of the Pink Panther movies.}
In recent years I've enjoyed a number of Youtube videos of transsexuals transitioning etc.
- As a kid I was lucky enough to be able to play a girl in plays a few times. That was fairly exhilerating.)

[Krista1985]

As a relative late-comer to the CD life-style, I can say now that I always knew there was something different about me. But for many years in my teens/early 20's, the desire to be what society considers 'normal,' or to stand out in a way that society writ large would approve of, completely over-rode any desire I had to explore and understand my difference.

Once I recognized precisely how I am different from most men, I had a lot of preconceived notions about what being a crossdresser meant. Most of those notions came from my very limited experience with CD's in general. I'd only seen them poorly represented on day-time talk shows and other media growing up, and as the butt of ignorant jokes.

Every media portrayal I'd seen to that point led me to think CD's were all pervs, deviants and fringe members of society. I didn't relate to virtually anything I'd heard about crossdressers at that time, so the idea that I was drawn to trying it, and liked it too, sent a shock through my system. My initial reaction was 'Yikes! I have to nip this thing in the bud and get back to being 'normal.'' But when your only tool is a hammer, all problems tend to resemble a nail.

Luckily, by the time of my revelation, I had the benefit of being college educated, computer literate and skilled/resourceful at research in general. Armed with this variety of tools, I began to do some serious research on the topic. So after a brief period of despairing over my 'abnormality,' I adjusted to a new reality pretty smoothly. I realized that it would only be a problem for me if I made it into one.

Sites like this one, and academic papers on the topic of transgenderism and all it's variations, helped me to re-shape and inform my opinion. Being able to (relatively anonymously) download books like The Lazy Crossdresser, Alice in Genderland, Crossdressing with Dignity and My Husband Betty on Amazon.com helped to open up a new world of possibilities. Suddenly I recognized that a CD can be a father, a husband and a productive member of society. A CD can be out in the public eye, at home behind closed doors or somewhere in between. A CD can enjoy a good life with all the trimmings and bring enjoyment to others s/he cares about. A CD can be a part of society and not just stand apart from it.

I'll end with a quote from my personal hero, the fictional character Tyrion Lannister from 'A Song of Ice and Fire' series...

"Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you."

[Angela Campbell]

I knew I was "not normal" when I was very young. Before school. I also knew it would not be a good thing to let anyone find out very young so I spent most of my life making sure there were few doubts about me even though inside I wanted desperately to be female. Of course many probably knew I was not normal but they did not know in what way. I have always been different from most but a lot of people just figured out since I was very artistic (music) I was just an oddball in that way. Yes I would wear long hair, necklaces, clothes that were ....borderline...but no one suspected I was gay or transgendered. Actually I am not gay but a little bi as I do like females and ********, but not men.

[RainyNightGirl]

I gave up on trying to figure this whole thing out. I just cannot. I would just tear my hair out. I just think that wearing women's clothes is what i do. I dress therefore I am.
I wish you everything in investigating but I have learned from so many people on hear that you just have to be who you are. If there is any societal influence it is that we should be able to be who we want to be as long we do not hurt anyone else.

[franlee]

I never thought of my CDing as right or wrong or abnormal. I considered myself as special and more intouch with myself than my male friends. But I didn't start CDing until I was 16 and then for a specific reason, and even though it worked out better than I had hoped for, I wound up with a new and very permanent lifestyle.
It is easy to reflect on the causes but after 40 years I realized the answer was to simple to except at the begining because I suppose I was in sensory overload and it was just to much for a simple answer. But the truth is for CDer's (now I can speak in regards to all the subclassifications and extras) it feels good and I enjoyed it. I don't need any more reasons and really never have! Why make a good thing complicated if you don't need to. But some people can't leave well enough alone and miss the forest for all those trees. Just saying! It works for me.

[Eryn]

What I have figured out is that when I am presenting the way I desire I am calmer and happier than when I am "normal." I haven't figured out the "why" of that but that doesn't concern me that much.

[suchacutie]

I'm lucky in this regard. My wife and I found Tina one morning by accident, and were completely curious about her! This was 7 years ago and we just hit the web! After sifting the wheat from the chaf we then took our own direction and helped Tina to grow on her own so we could see who she is up close and personal. No angst, no guilt, all good!

[Kora]

I'm not sure I'm answering this right, but I remember being a kid and along with a friend we tried on my moms pantyhose. I loved the feeling that day I put them on and have never forgotten it since. I figure this is where it actually started. As I grew older, I only really understood that it was womens wear and men didn't wear them. I had only heard the term crossdresser after going to a gender identity therapist or whatever they sent me to, but even then stayed silent about anything. It seems to be a lot more accepted now(still shunned by many) compared to when I first started. There's times I have wished to share what I wanted, maybe my parents would have put me on hormones, etc.. At the same time I'm happy to be a man that enjoys dressing like a woman. I don't feel like less than a man, instead I feel better knowing I'm in touch with my feminine side.

I've never looked too much into CDing until recently, that's mostly because I'd like to find others to dress with. I've also never questioned why I do it, because I really enjoy it. When I told my SO she was really into it and wanted to see me dressed. She loves seeing me dressed now and has bought things for me and loves to take my picture. I have no plans on stopping and will probably get dressed for the old lady right now :-p

[shycheri]

I still do not understand the why in my case,but I have learned to just go with my natural flow.Thats what I am trying to do now,althou being single is helpful as I go thru this time of self discovery.

[Ressie]

A psychology book, few and far between articles in magazines and newspapers in the '60s and '70s. Not much info, but enough to get the idea of why I liked wearing female clothing once in a while. The psych book explained the difference between a transvestite and transexual. To paraphrase the book, "Transvestites have powerful orgasms when wearing women's clothes and because of this would never want to lose their male organ."

Then there was the Woody Allen movie, "everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask", which had a scene where a man was at a cocktail party, went up to use the bathroom, but couldn't fight the temptation of getting into a dress in the bedroom! So I learned early that it's kind of an obsessive/compulsive behavior, and for me that's what it is.

[Samantha43]

Back in the stone ages, before computers, I went to the local library and did some research. I found out that I wasn't the only man that likes to dress as a woman! That's about all I learned. I read lots of theories, but there were no hard facts.

I gave up trying to figure it out many years ago. I just have fun with it now.

[Brianna612]

For goodness sake! Stop trying to figure this out. You can't. Trying to figure out the "why" of something is a typical guy thing. That's why guys are so good at fixing things. Figure it out. Then fix it. But crossdressing doesn't have to be "figured out". In fact, I think that's a distraction.

Crossdressing just has to be enjoyed. Add a little femininity to the mix. Smile. Laugh. Come on, it's fun, isn't it? If it isn't fun, then why bother? And why worry at all about the whys?

Stephie

I couldn't disagree with you more on this point Stephie.

My early years were miserable. I could not openly be who I wanted to be. When I did dress I felt great and then came the guilt and shame because I was all screwed up. In my 20s and 30s I was a wild child. Dressing the way I wanted and hanging with the gays and drag queens. I was still out of place but felt better. I didn't find myself or even understand that I was a CD until I met this therapist who really helped me sort all this out. I am so much more stable now and have no more feelings of gilt. It really helps to know.

[LelaK]

Dee: Then there was the Woody Allen movie, "everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask", which had a scene where a man was at a cocktail party, went up to use the bathroom, but couldn't fight the temptation of getting into a dress in the bedroom!

I talked about the same scene in post #8 and I posted a link to an interesting video about it, i.e.:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlO2mVuNchg.
Now I found a good sequel for it, equally hilarious, you gotta see it too:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yh39t...endscreen&NR=1.

[ReineD]

I agree with you, Amber. I think that girls are given a lot more leeway in their departures from the older norms than are boys. Girls are now (compared to generations ago) encouraged to study math and science, compete in sports that until fairly recently were the sole domain of boys, reach new heights in the corporate and professional worlds, share the child rearing with husbands and child care workers so they can follow careers, etc. While boys who feel they are less competitive, less aggressive, less stoic perhaps than other boys cannot show their more sensitive natures for fear of being teased. Many parents still discourage their sons who, because they have a nurturing nature, might prefer to play with dolls and dollhouses than GI Jos and guns. Also, even though there are more men in our current economy who are home with the kids since their wives have the greater income, they are quite clear they are doing this because it makes sense financially for their families and not because it it their choice. Although the gender gap has narrowed in many areas, there is still a disparity in terms of what boys are "allowed" to do compared to what girls do.

So I gather you're asking if a boy varies from the norm in terms of stereotypical male personality traits and preferences, as much as tomgirls are actually allowed to vary from the stereotypical female norms (which does not alarm their parents to the same degree), does he feel that he has to construct a feminine identity in order to give himself permission to be secretly different? This is an interesting perspective.

Anyway, to answer your question, I had a slight advantage over most GGs when my SO told me about the CDing. I already knew a CDer and his wife and I knew they had a happy marriage, so at least I did not immediately believe that my SO was gay or that being a CDer necessarily meant that he wanted to be a woman (that came later, lol, but that's a different story). My initial gut reaction was a bit of a "Oh No!", simply because I knew that CDers aren't readily embraced in our society and also it had never occurred to me that I might be in a relationship with someone who CDs. But, these thoughts passed through me in rather short order .. only a few days.

I did not think that my SO was any less or more than the wonderful person s/he is. I believe it is healthy for both men and women to experience the full breadth of human emotion and men who are vulnerable, nurturing, and sensitive are all the more attractive to me because of this, just as I admire women who are analytical and competitive.

[Ambergold43]

For goodness sake! Stop trying to figure this out. You can't. Trying to figure out the "why" of something is a typical guy thing. That's why guys are so good at fixing things. Figure it out. Then fix it. But crossdressing doesn't have to be "figured out". In fact, I think that's a distraction.

Crossdressing just has to be enjoyed. Add a little femininity to the mix. Smile. Laugh. Come on, it's fun, isn't it? If it isn't fun, then why bother? And why worry at all about the whys?

Stephie

I agree with you completely, actually. We all enjoy crossdressing, and I don't enjoy having to ask myself "why," or have to explain to others "why," or deal with the guilt, shame, and paranoia that comes along with it. But there is a great deal of medical literature invested into understanding the "why" of crossdressing, and media portrays the "transgender phenomenon"(I've actually read those words) in many different lights. People are asking "why," and what I am trying to understand is not why I (or we) crossdress, but rather how our society seeks to define us as crossdressers, and how those explanations or stereotypes affect how we have come to see ourselves, or in what terms it has caused our friends, family, and society at large to understand us.

Once I recognized precisely how I am different from most men, I had a lot of preconceived notions about what being a crossdresser meant. Most of those notions came from my very limited experience with CD's in general. I'd only seen them poorly represented on day-time talk shows and other media growing up, and as the butt of ignorant jokes.

Every media portrayal I'd seen to that point led me to think CD's were all pervs, deviants and fringe members of society. I didn't relate to virtually anything I'd heard about crossdressers at that time, so the idea that I was drawn to trying it, and liked it too, sent a shock through my system. My initial reaction was 'Yikes! I have to nip this thing in the bud and get back to being 'normal.''

I think you hit the nail on the head with this. The representations we see on TV or films of crossdressing are often framed as perverted or deviant (like in some movies and day-time talk shows). Transsexuals are the other group that comes to mind whenever crossdressing is discussed in any sort of discourse, especially in medical literature, or academic works on the GLBT community. Transsexuals make up a very small minority of crossdressers, yet they are what people think of when they think of crossdressing: "He dresses like a woman, does he want to be a woman?"

These representations, for those who don't consider themselves to be deviants or transsexuals (or any other stereotype of crossdressers for that matter), can be damaging; especially when it comes to appreciating and enjoying our "hobby", however unusual. I can relate directly to what Krista says because when I found out I actually liked to crossdress, I was filled with anxiety about what it meant, I assumed I must be a pervert or secretly desirous to be a woman... things I understand now to not be the case.

[Beverley Sims]

I liked doing it from an early age. I was encouraged by some girlfriends when I was eighteen to dress as a girl and go out with them.
I have never looked like a man so it was easy for me.
I have gone with the flow ever since.

[DonniDarkness]

but rather how our society seeks to define us as crossdressers, and how those explanations or stereotypes affect how we have come to see ourselves, or in what terms it has caused our friends, family, and society at large to understand us.

This is a great question amber and i think the most important one. Our reasons for Crossdressing are all radically different but, one thing we all share in common in this regard is "How others view us".

Anytime i ask myself this question it always comes back to that same answer: They dont care.

Society and the social world we live in, will always be oblivious to others around them until it directly effects them in their lives, whether its just seeing one of us out and about...to actually having a Transgender family member. The non-gender-variant people dont think of these things, and when it is brought to their attention, most people will just mimic the others reactions or statements around them. Those that speak to us(about us) negatively have drawn their own preconceived notion not from the comedic value of the media...but from pure choice in ignorance.

We also contribute to this by our own attitudes by assuming the world(society) is all the same because we have made the choice to believe that we are not accepted. Like i said "People just dont care"...until we start to make an issue out of it ourselves.

There are many people out there in the world who live their lives or part of their lives being publicly seen as Gender variant, from drag queens to Transgender, and all of the world does not view them negatively. Why? Because who they are is not an issue for them

We have male social roles that are hard to bridge between social acceptance, but that doesnt mean these bridges cant be built.

Great Topic,
-Donni-

[kendra_gurl]

For instance, if you have always done it, when/if you realized you were different from "the norm," how/where did you seek information on what being you thought crossdressing "means." Did you seek-out any information at all?

Thru the 60's 70's and 80's what little information I found about crossdressing other than the comedy sketches on TV scared the hell out of me. Christine Jorgensen was about the only person research and I knew I was not wanting a sex chage so that didn't help

After the internet came along and made PORN so readily available it aslo made crossdressing into a sexual perversion with all the graphic detail of their sexual fantasies.

Again this scared the hell out of me I though OMG is that what I am? Is that what I really want? Is this my future? Am I doomed to lose my wife and family to become a ******* porn star or somones bitch in prison after being arrested for wearing womens clothes?

All the early research on crossdressing just re-enforced the reasons to hide what I was feeling. I knew I was not perverted but would be viewed by most that way.

I was very fortunate to be married to wonderful woman with whom I could gradually share and talk to about this. thru experimentation over years and years I have convinced her of who I am.

This site is a great find for those of us trying to cope with our issues but we (while being a very diverse group) are still a very small minority from what most research on the internet leads one to believe about crossdressers in general. Sex sells thus making most of the results of a search for crossdressing thousands of sites with videos and stories of a sexual nature.

Even with all the restrictions on YouTube most of what you see there would make most people think WTF kind of weirdo pervert is that guy? I've very thankfull my wife knows me and has no need to try researching it for herself.