Emotionally tired of how crossdressing affects me morally..

[JamieRohr]

I think after much investigation I can say that I am not attracted to men. I say that because when I was testing the waters, I actually felt... uncomfortable being held by him. And knowing that the possibility of going all the way scares me, maybe it truly isn't for me...

That said, having grown up in a conservative and relatively religious background, it stresses me how dressing can be viewed so negatively... I mean, I'll admit sexual gratification is part of why I do it. But just as honest, I'm quite comfortable lounging around at home just simply wearing yoga pants and a tee from forever 21 while maybe working on a paper.

I know this thought weighs some of us down.. so I guess what I'm asking is.. Is there a way to justify this action? I love my parents/family so much. And it'd kill my heart to see them saddened by me if they ever found out.. I don't mean for this post to be a moral attack if it sounds that way.. I'm jus trying to figure out how I'm going to go about the rest of my life. Is this even a moral issue that I need to concern myself with? Am I overthinking things? Question like: "What if I have kids? Will I be able to hide this?" make me concerned... I still have yet to form any solid conclusion on anything.

I'm just troubled.. I grew up in elementary and high school with the foundation that morality isn't subjective. That it is narrow. Maybe that is why i feel this way. However, in college, everything became relative (at least in my experience). I encountered a wide variety of people.

This post might become a touchy subject, but I can no longer reflect and wonder about it on my own. I need help.

Please lend me your thoughts. <3 If you have any questions about my background, to help me find an answer, or get somewhere, I'll be more than happy to answer them.

Thank you loves...

Additional Info:
- I do feel that dressing as Veronica is a part of me that will never go away. I've accepted her.

[Vickie_CDTV]

You can dress and not having anything to do with men. Would dressing and being strictly hetero ease your mind some?

As for having children etc., I have a few years on you and I still wonder about that myself. Barring lying to a GG spouse, I fear I will never be able to find someone and have a family because I dress too. Even if I give up dressing, I cannot lie about where I have been and what I have done in the past.

[JamieRohr]

@Vickie, it eases my mind. That's actually where I feel I am at emotionally. I'm just wondering what's the next step. If there is a next step. And i'm totally on the same page as you on your statement about family and dressing...

[beam47]

if you consider that jeans were invented as working pants for men , boots were working shoes for men, and if you look around you will see plenty women who wear a suit , part of my consideration to cross dress is simple that if females can wear mens clothes then why can't wear womens clothes I do not dress for sexual gratification and I am bi, but there is nothing wrong with being straight , just enjoy the time you can dress and don't worry to much on what other people will think

[JamieRohr]

@Beam, i do recognize that clothes are just clothes.. and yes, im definitely making the most of my time. I don't mind what other people think, but I do care on the effects that I would have on the people closest to me..

[JessicaMay]

@Beam, i do recognize that clothes are just clothes.. and yes, im definitely making the most of my time. I don't mind what other people think, but I do care on the effects that I would have on the people closest to me..

...and they care about you I'm sure. All of you.

The most important thing to remember, you are an individual. You have the ability to overtime change your thoughts, feelings and yes even morals no matter how long they've been a part of your life. It won't happen overnight, and as much as I'd like to say it's an easy journey it's really not. At the end however, you really can be anything you want to be.

[alter_3]

CodeVeronica, I don't think you are overthinking it and it is reasonable to reflect on your own motivation and the morality of it. I can say that while I had a somewhat looser moral framework growing up, I still face the same questions after many years of CDing.

I also admit that my reason for CDing is largely for sexual gratification, and I also am not attracted to men, similar to you. So, for people who feel this way, isn't the act of crossdressing really similar to an extended form of sexual self indulgence? What is your moral position on that?

For me, if I tear down the pink fog for a little while and think clearly about things, I feel that it is fundamentally morally wrong. Sorry to say that, but it is true (for me). It is of course easier to avoid the guilt and try to rationalize why this form of behavior is acceptable in the name of self-expression, etc.

So you may also ask the question of "if it is morally wrong, what am I going to do about it?". For me, I have arrived at the understanding that this is a flaw in myself that I cannot erase, so I will continue but I will hide it away and minimize the impact on family and friends.

[STACY B]

Look at all the Old Folks on here an what they say ? We did all this an NEVER had the internet to learn an talk to people about it ? Atleast you hot that going for you ,,, Us old folk put it up for years an it came back after we were well into our 40s 50s 60s an now we have to deal with it . So just know who you are an be honest with your future partner an tell them before you get into a long term relationship . That way you an them will know what lies under the skin an it will not be a big surprise later to be delt with at a later date . You have a golden opportunity to set things strait now . Some people including me have put it away for years for it to pop up later ,,So if you have these feelings now you must not discount them an not let them come back to bite you after the new has worn off a wirl wind relationship .

[heatherdress]

Veronica - Seams like you are primarily concerns about discovery by your family, which is a quite reasonable fear. If you have accepted that your crossdressing is part of your life, then you will have to live with rigid boundaries to keep your crossdressing private, which many successfully have done.

The additional moral issue you imply is quite different. Your discription or moral concern is a bit confusing - deep religious education and upbringing; testing of homosexuality; broader viewpoints after college; and acceptance that crossdressing is part of you. It appears that you are an intelligent, caring, moral person who needs some assurances. Maybe discussion with a therapist will help ease your mind.

[Angela Campbell]

with regards to just the dressing like a woman I see few moral problems. If it hurts no one else, it is ok. The only moral implication I can think of is the dishonesty of keeping it a secret. Wearing clothes you like hurts no one at all so no problem. The sexual part I will not address because there are many moral "rules" about that and I have my own thoughts there.

[Beverley Sims]

You do not have to associate with men or anyone for tha matter.
You do not have to confide in any one.
A lot of cross dressers do it solely by themselves and in the privacy of their own room.
So practice what you do this way and maybe later you can widen your horizons.
It is all a matter of self discovery. May you enjoy the trip.

[Ambergold43]

Wow, sounds like you and I actually have a lot in common.

I also grew up in an environment where morality was not subjective, and I learned that crossdressing (even from an early age) was not something that fit into my parent's version of morality. One of my earliest memories is me playing with my sister and her friend and I put on a dress. My sister went and told my dad who the proceeded to shame me and tell me that "You're a boy, you don't do that!" It really stuck with me , it's weird how I still remember that.

Like you, I have struggled with finding the place that crossdressing has in my life (if there is one). It is a scary thought to think "what if my family finds out" but I have come to realize that, ultimately, I have to live my life in a way that I deem morally right, and be a good person as I understand what that means. Sooner or later, the influence your family has on you will probably fade away, then you'll be on your own, and you'll have to make sense of the world in your own terms. If this includes accepting crossdressing in your life, then so be it; as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, what's the big deal? And if you choose not to continue it, then that's fine too. The idea here is to start learning to understand yourself and your world, and make those decisions for yourself. I'm in the same boat as you, if my parents/family were to find out, they might be saddened but really it isn't their decision to make for me anymore. I mean, how big of a deal is it really that we like to wear heels, dresses, and makeup?

And about the family and kids thing: Do you really want to raise children who see crossdressing as something shameful or something to be hidden? There are plenty of people on this site who have raised their children to understand and appreciate the diverse range of people and behaviors, including themselves as crossdressers. Besides, circumstances change, by the time you have kids who knows what your situation might be like?

Hope this helps! I was going to keep going but I don't want to over-burden you with so much reading!

Good luck

[Laura912]

"Every journey begins with a small step" even if the feet are wearing high heels. You will evolve over the years and are fortunate to have the help of those here who do represent a small cross section of society. Just as the larger society has many different opinions, so does this group, yet they all interact to support one another...generally. Do not be in a hurry to tell anyone, especially family at this time. Most members suggest telling a possible spouse or GF early in the relationship to avoid later hurt, anger, and divorce. This is part of you, just as stamp collecting might be. Why you do this is yours to claim and not dictated by anyone else. Yes, collecting stamps is more accepted by society but that too is changing. You may also find that there are more questions, initially, than answers. Remember, also, that it is the people interpreting the great religious teachers that seem to cause all the trouble and not the teachers. Have a good journey.

[Inna]

Hmmmm, yeah........well.........

Such is the subject at hand, societal NORM versus normality of people, and surprisingly they do not conjoin entirely!!!!

Societies view on morality is rigid and based on some prehistoric notions of religious, cultural, and lawful bias.

One thing shall be certain, "you will not be able to divorce transgenderism, and that is given, however you may stay away from crossdressing for long periods of time, even years, but eventually it will knock back at your door of consciousness begging to be let in. No way around this!
But should you be punished for being your self, of course not, yet, friends, family, peers, some and in a lot of cases, many, seem to be put off by such evil act.

Until you face your self and see the truth and love within your heart just as you are, peace of being whole, shall be illusive and distant.
Guilt shall follow and regret will fill your mind as it does now, as you conform to false image of whom they want you to be, but not who you truly are!

Sorry to place such perspective on things but, this is how it is. And to be truly free, the price sometimes is immense!

[ArleneRaquel]

Veronica,
Crossdressing is in no way immoral, always remember that darlin. Best wishes in your journey.

[Stephenie S]

I agree with Inna.

You can't successfully love anyone until you love yourself. Hiding your perfectly harmless desire to wear women's clothes from your future spouse and children will be difficult if not impossible. She will find out eventually. Basing a relationship such as marriage on a lie is problematic. There's the real immorality in this situation. Lying to your wife and kids for the lifetime of your marriage.

Stop fighting a closed minded upbringing. You are going to crossdress. This does not ever go away. And, it is totally and completely harmless. Crossdressing harms no one. Do you really want to live such a life?

Stephie

[Jenniferathome]

I've never been conflicted morally about my crossdressing. I have never tied crossdressing to anything that is against "religion". The reason is that for me, morality is narrow, as it is for you. And that narrow moral code is: be good to others. That's it. At the heart of every religion is that. Are you a good person? If yes, stop worrying. If no, be a good person and stop worrying.

[kimdl93]

Of course we want to be respectful of peoples belief systems. But the question has to be asked, what does one do when their particular religious upbringing condemns an individual for who they are. You're a living example of the emotional conflict that inflicts. the only options are 1) adhere to the teachings of your religion, and in the process attempt to repress who you are , or continue to question the rules you've been told to live by , and through a thoughtful process of exploration, education and introspection, decide for yourself what is right for you.

[CarleyR]

with regards to just the dressing like a woman I see few moral problems. If it hurts no one else, it is ok. The only moral implication I can think of is the dishonesty of keeping it a secret. Wearing clothes you like hurts no one at all so no problem.

I agree with almostalady. Crossdressing itself is certainly not immoral. But the ancillary issues of how it is done and the effect on others, especially within our families, raise serious questions that each of us needs to deal with based on our own particular circumstances.

[Alice Torn]

Code Veronica, I can sure relate to your situation, but i am58 yrs old. I started to put on my sister and mom's clothes at age 14, or 15, and it was sexual fetishing. It has always had a sexual side, until the last few yrs, when now i can dress without doing the sexual act. I was brought up religious too. I have been in a church, which has great truth, and hope for the future of the earth, however, crossdressing is a no no, as is all sexual activity outside of marriage. A homosexual friend of mine, is in the church, too. One thing for sure, life is full of conflicts, dilemnas, and compulsions. I have now been with two men admirers, but have boundries on what i will do sexually. i compromised a little last time. I still have never been with a GG sexually, but morally, would like to be with one. I feel guilt and shame too, often, because morally, I have been taught crossdressing is a sin, because I was born a man, and that is what i should be, and not effeminate . I feel like i am half woman , half man. It aint easy, is it? I am being more open about my dressing, though. When i am in a nursing home or homeless, or dead, i won.t need to dress up anymore.

[Gillian Gigs]

I think that the problem today is that people get a missunderstanding of what morality is. A moral by defination is; concerned with goodness or badness of character or disposition. Character is about our collective qualities or peculiarities, which to me boils down to our thoughts, motives, actions, or deeds. Is a business man in his three piece suit who is greedy, selfish and self centered someone of good character? Or how about one of us girls who dresses to the "nines" and is helpful, generous, kind to others, is she of good character? Character comes from within and so does your morality, so if you want to ask, am I a moral person, then examine your thoughts and motives for why you do what you do! It's what inside the package that counts, not the wrapping with all of the pretty bows! I don't know about you, but I kept what was inside the box, the wrap and bows ended up in the garbage.

[Amy Fakley]

I too came up in a very strict, conservative protestant fundamentalist household. This same stark notion of morality was hammered into me morning noon and night, and it's taken me 30 some years to deconstruct it enough to really come to terms with myself. I know where you're coming from.

Look, when it comes to morality, you really have to ask yourself this question: "who am I hurting?"

You like to get pretty and engage in "fun times", amirite?

How does that hurt anyone? Not in some hand-wavy "young man is losing his motivation" or "those are potential babies" kind of BS, but in an actual, concrete way ... who did you hurt? nobody.

Does dressing make you happy? Apart from the "fun times" does it also express an essential aspect of your personality that you feel needs to get some fresh air from time to time? If the two answers to those questions are also "yes" ... who are you hurting by denying this to yourself?

By extension, who gets hurt when you get upset and worried that you are a "bad person" for doing something that literally impacts no other person in this world besides you?

which course is "moral"? If you ask me, the one where nobody gets hurt (including you).

[docrobbysherry]

I think what many have said is very important, Code. It's important to know that your dressing hurts no one. If u enjoy it, why shouldn't u continue with it? Eventually, u will accept that it is a part of who u r and u can explain that to your potential SO's in the future. That being said, I understand where you're coming from because I have moral issues with my dressing, too! Like Alter explains:

CodeVeronica, I don't think you are overthinking it and it is reasonable to reflect on your own motivation and the morality of it. I can say that while I had a somewhat looser moral framework growing up, I still face the same questions after many years of CDing.

I also admit that my reason for CDing is largely for sexual gratification, and I also am not attracted to men, similar to you. So, for people who feel this way, isn't the act of crossdressing really similar to an extended form of sexual self indulgence? What is your moral position on that?

For me, if I tear down the pink fog for a little while and think clearly about things, I feel that it is fundamentally morally wrong. Sorry to say that, but it is true (for me). It is of course easier to avoid the guilt and try to rationalize why this form of behavior is acceptable in the name of self-expression, etc.

So you may also ask the question of "if it is morally wrong, what am I going to do about it?". For me, I have arrived at the understanding that this is a flaw in myself that I cannot erase, so I will continue but I will hide it away and minimize the impact on family and friends.

I've accepted that dressing has become a big part of my life and believe I could come out to family, friends, and potential GG partners about my "hobby" if it weren't for one thing, the sexual issue! That's a big part of dressing for me. I know it's perverted and wrong. And, I don't feel I could tell anyone about my dressing and leave THAT out! I continue to deal with the guilty this causes and see no resolution for me until I either give up dressing or sex. Since I'm in my sixties, the latter is more likely!

[JamieRohr]

Wow. So many responses!. Please give me a moment to be able to respond to all of them after I get home later today. Thank you for all your support. This means a lot to me.

[bridget thronton]

I do not see dressing as immoral either. There are people who are not happy go see me in a dress (but they are not willing to confront me and tell me why they do not like it). My family knows and loves me any ways.