involuntarily purged, everything gone

[franlee]

To quote the not so great Eddie Murrphy, There's gona be some serious ramifacations and consiquensies for your actions. I hate to sound violent and all that politically incorrect stuff but that anit gona happen arround here without some serious problems. I can't even consieve doing my wife in a simular way muchless her doing such. I'm sure this would end our marriage. It goes a lot deeper than just CDing and respect is very high on my list of priorities. I got to stop this rant but I hate seeing anyone blindsiided!

[Foxglove]

Something like this would make me pretty mad.

But I think you need to count here--not just to ten, but to about ten million. Try to think calmly. Is your marriage on the whole good? An incident like this indicates that it isn't. Do you want to keep it going? If so, incidents like this one won't help. But if you do want to preserve your marriage, retaliation--as satisfying as it might be--won't help matters.

Sounds to me like the two of you have things to sort out between you. Good luck!

Annabelle

[Robynne]

Chrismy, I feel your pain! Am currently trying to recover from self purging and am miserable. Carefully think through your future actions as there may be no turning back. Take care!

[Eryn]

Specifically, toss all her slacks - pants - shorts and tell her you don't plan to live with a man.

While this form of revenge has a certain attractive symmetry to it, do you really want to stoop to her childish level? Two stupid actions do not make a correct action.

You are at a critical point. Your wife has drawn a line in the sand and restricted you to staying behind it. You have to decide whether you will live with this restriction or if it is time to move on.

I suggest that you discuss this with your wife and don't mince any words. If she wishes your marriage to continue she is playing a very dangerous game. It's not a matter of her versus the clothes, it's a matter of her disrespect for you in disposing of your property without permission. If the situation had been reversed and you had disposed of her property without permission nobody would hesitate a moment before directing her to a divorce lawyer. You deserve no less consideration.

[Foxglove]

It's not a matter of her versus the clothes, it's a matter of her disrespect for you in disposing of your property without permission. If the situation had been reversed and you had disposed of her property without permission nobody would hesitate a moment before directing her to a divorce lawyer. You deserve no less consideration.

I think this is spot on.

[MsJanessa]

She should not have thrown out your stuff---no matter how she felt about your dressing--it sounds like you are in a very abusive relationship--whether you stay in it or not is up to you---a lot depends on things like children, jointly owned property, your and hers finances(easier to leave if you both have your own income) and the like---rather than shaving your legs just to get back at her, you should sit down and talk with her about ending the relationship---if she is so dead set against you dressing, then you will be unhappy as long as you are married--she wants you to stop doing something that you love and don't want to stop. Doesn't seem like there is much room for compromise in her

[Stephanie47]

Lynn Marie characterized your relationship as DADT. I really would not characterize it in that manner since your wardrobe was hanging in the closet and easily accessible by your wife. Setting that aside, I'll will say your wife should not have taken your personal property and disposed or hidden it from you. I hope it has not been a six month period of contentious behavior by both parties. If this behavior by your wife is representative of her behavior on other issues, I really do not see this as a harmonious marriage or a marriage of equality.

Frankly, my wife knows I am a cross dresser. She knows I dress in her absence. She wishes I was not a cross dressers. If she were to do what your wife has done, I would rather spent the rest of my earthy days without her.

My recommendation; check out your financial situation with a divorce lawyer.

[meri]

The stuff probably went to the local Goodwill or Salvation Army. Check around, you may find the stuff in bins -- tell them what happened and demand your things back!

[Mistybtm]

Specifically, toss all her slacks - pants - shorts and tell her you don't plan to live with a man.

I love this answer it is the best.

[Barbara Ella]

As others have said, now is not the time to react in a manner that is not you. Whether you want to or not, you need to assess your situation in light of what you were doing, what you told your wife you would be doing, and what she agreed for you to be doing, if any.

She has changed the rules on you without notice, and behaved in a very childish manner. If she knew, and agreed for what was going on, it is likely you will need a long talk to find out why. If you cannot find out the real reason, she has lost your trust, and an attorney is in line.

Please take the high road for the time being. You are now the bigger person. This cannot be easy. You are in my prayers.

Barbara

[Lady Slipper]

^^^Mistybtm, I love this answer, too! The only flaw is that it's A Really Bad Idea.

Chrismy, your in a tough spot, I fear this is not going to be fun. Stay strong!

[Jenniferathome]

There is WAY more going on in your home than you presented here. This is a blow up,to some long standing issue. I do not believe that any relationship is so one sided. You need to be objective about her and yourself and have a conversation. Barring mental illness, your relationship is really unhealthy for something like this to occur.

[KateSpade83]

Is there any way you can ask her to get the clothes back?

If someone did that to me it would be very devastating, as my women's clothes are worth $40K to $50K. I'd tell a woman early in a relationship that she has to accept this about me, or else we won't work together.

[Annaliese2010]

IDK why and please forgive me if this sounds insensitive...but I couldn't help but to LOL when reading your little vignette. I mean, of late it's getting rather difficult to take my whole genius 'Annaliese' quantum leap very seriously now that there's a truly hot young gg babe 'after me'.

I'm tellin ya...OMG Oooooie! Sweet Jesus I hope she doesn't leave! A beautiful girl trumps everything. She rights the wrong; makes you yearn & long...for more (of her); never gonna get enuf.

Actually......I sincerely hope it all works out for you Chrismy. I know this whole deal is a genuinely inborn thing for some. Try as I might to convince myself I am one, now I very much doubt it. Probly soon gone. Don't feel I belong. Alleluia!

[chrismy]

i feel so incredibly violated... as if half of me (or more) has been ripped away... surreal.. stumbling through the black fog... this gone to me for now.. still trying to cope... thanks so much to everyone.... ) i will attempt to address all the valid points raised as soon as i can... great inputs for us all to take from what we will. i have never felt this barren in my life

[Meghan]

Specifically, toss all her slacks - pants - shorts and tell her you don't plan to live with a man.

I do not know how helpful this would be long term, but this seems to be the fairest reaction I could possibility imagine.

Meghan

[heatherdress]

Sorry this happened, Chrisy. Many good recommendations already. You should not ignore what happened- it hurts you too much. You have to respond. The best way is with honest communications. Tell her how you feel. Go from there. Be understanding to her needs, but be strong, too. Your needs are just as important. Good luck.

[Jessica86]

When I was a teen, my mother purged most of my things, and totally went through my whole room. Not only did I have to pick up the room when it was done....but I had to get all of it back. I actually dug through the trash (seeing as how most was bagged or boxed up) and washed it all. I really felt horrible. The worst part was realizing that nobody WANTED me to be who I was...and who I am today. That....passed. I know if my wife ever did anything like that, I would be so devastated, I would have to tell her about it. I would be open, as this would change who I am forever.

[rachel_rachel]

I don't think i could ever say that it'd never happen but if it did i can't put down here what i'd be doing.....

[Kate T]

I continue to be astounded by the "tit for tat" reactions of a large number of respondents to posts like this.

Chrismy, what your wife did was unfair and wrong. Not only that, it does not help you, her or your relationship. Once she can move beyond the feelings of anger and betrayal she will understand this. I agree with Lynn Marie that one of the biggest problems with DADT is that there is no way for either party to move forward through feelings of anger and betrayal and sadness and work towards acceptance. This is basic grief counselling stuff that I am sure that everyone will have at least heard of.

"If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic." A common bible verse, appearing in Luke and Matthew I believe. Why did Jesus say this (and for any non christians there are plenty of similar quotes and tenets at the root of most other major religions and spiritual movements)? Because he KNEW that to respond in anger would only incite more anger, and another response, and more and more and more. Where will it stop. Jesus was saying that you have the power to stop it. The stronger person is the one who does not respond in kind but seeks to understand, to help and ultimately to love.

[chrismy]

this is gone all gone to me for now... still reeling but have made zero rash decisions. many factors to be considered ... the more i ponder the situation .. the more certain the line in the sand has been crossed forever one way or another.. ahhh .. so tiring .. hope to us all

[KarenCDFL]

I usually don't respond to posts like this because of getting flamed and so on but IMHO, what your wife did to you was a total destruction of the Marital Vows.

I don't think I could stay in a marriage like this. We all know what the vows are and how could anyone who says "I will love you forever" hurt you so much by committing this act.

It was not just that she threw everything out, she wanted to hurt you. Plain and simple.

I can't imagine what she would do if you had some horrible disease that could claim your life. Or maybe that would be better than you wearing feminine clothing.

I am sorry, this is just how I felt after reading your post.

I wish you the best no matter how this ends.

[GinaM]

I honestly can kind of see the wifes side. First it sounds as if the CDing was a secret and when it came out the wife wasn't happy. Then, as she was trying to deal with this all of a sudden the women's clothing made its way into the closets. Now, the wife has to see this every time she goes into the closet and be reminded of it. Top things off with other problems in the marriage and the wife finally had enough. She knew purging all these things would make her feel better and hurt your feelings at the same time. It was a win/win for her.

[sterling12]

Eventually, your stuff you can replace! You were going to do a "clean-out" anyway, weren't you?

I think the last time around, the general consensus from us Folks who aren't on The Scene was to cut your loses, and move on with your life. I have a feeling your wife is going to "preempt", and make that decision for you! I'd be getting a lawyer right now. If you have jointly held assets, I would be trying to figure out ways to protect your interest's. Right now, you feel "devastated." In a few weeks or months, your going to feel "ripped-off," if you don't protect yourself!

You DON'T know that she has destroyed your property, so as others have advised; NOW is the time to have that candid talk with no BS from either of you. Your probably going to feel very bad when that discussion gets finished, but at least you will know where you stand. You are now probably realizing just how important your femme-self has become. Be honest, and truthful. Be civil, but don't lie about the situation.

Perhaps you two can talk and engineer a equitable settlement without the need to destroy one another. These things are never easy to face, they are never without heartache and consequences. Protect yourself! In this scenario, don't get the outcome that results in too many turns on a wood screw! Remember, your The Piece of wood. Imagine The Results!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[chrismy]

I honestly can kind of see the wifes side. First it sounds as if the CDing was a secret and when it came out the wife wasn't happy. Then, as she was trying to deal with this all of a sudden the women's clothing made its way into the closets. Now, the wife has to see this every time she goes into the closet and be reminded of it. Top things off with other problems in the marriage and the wife finally had enough. She knew purging all these things would make her feel better and hurt your feelings at the same time. It was a win/win for her.

I think GinaM has a very good description of how this transpired actually. except for the win/win part.. I feel in the end it will be a win/win/lose unfortunately. I told her in January. Things were very rough for a couple of months. Then there were times of what seemed like a semi-toleration of the situation. Then there would be times of slowly building resentment... I could recognize the cycles but could not seem to effect them. These times... whenever I got an incoming txt on my phone, my stomach would knot up .... mentally abusive words for me (this only started this year). I believe what happened last Thursday was insuppressible (for her) resentment that finally exploded. I had cooked a pork tenderloin and had dinner ready when she got off work, washed and dried clothes and towels. Did a few other household chores. I am out in the garage (man cave kinda deal --- how ironic is that?!?!) and get several txt messages...

were u dressed like a woman today?
i didnt immediately reply
what no answer?
then .. u did didnt you
reply ... if i did, if i didnt, would it make any difference how you felt
then .. u like to dress as women when u do housework - (she is right after all)

thats when she nuked me......

there are intense communication issues now. you would not believe how few words 2 people could say to each other in 4 days. i am trying to come out of my daze but keep slipping back into it. This has developed into an intolerable situation that I refuse to spend the rest of my life in ... life is just way to precious and fleeting and @56 how much time really do I have left??? ... I realize this. As far as to what the immediate future will hold .... our youngest daughter is getting married next month and she is an amazingly wonderful person and I dont want my problems affecting her big day..)) So I will bide my time and attempt to figure out if I am looking @ an adult dissolution or armageddon. I will hope for the former but plan for the latter. As far as material possesions go I would really be happy to go with a bare minimum, she does deserve the majority of 30 years of our work together and I do feel responsible for the whole mess even though it is something that is part of me and there is truely nothing I can do about that.