Originally Posted by Jessica86
My mom found some stuff of mine and burned it up. Those were some rough rough times. I really feel for the OP. I don't know what in the hell I'd do at this point.
My mom found some stuff of mine and burned it up. Those were some rough rough times. I really feel for the OP. I don't know what in the hell I'd do at this point.
Once the cat is out of the bag. The issue is in the open. How you wife sees you will forever be changed. Many on this site have accepting and supportive wives. Others live in a DADT union. However, when a spouse shows such disrespect for their mate, then that is a different issue. If your wife is so adamantly opposed to cross dressing, even if you swear of cross dressing and never dress again, your marriage will never be the same. More importantly, you'll never be the same.
At age 56 you have a lot of time left. The question is whether you want to live in an arrangement dictated by your wife for the rest of those days or express yourself freely.
I believe you have your head in the sand. You must face thefact that your marriage is over. It's time togo into survival mode. Now is the time to get a good lawyer. You will need it.
Jodi
Totally agree with this. I remember how you introduced the CDing to her in the first place. First you said you wanted to be shaved down there just like her, and after she did this you said the area was stinging so much you needed to wear hose for comfort. After she bought a pair of tights, you said that you wanted pantyhose. You never came out and told her what was really on your mind, and I don't blame her for feeling as if she was played for a fool and developing a negative outlook of the CDing from the onset.
I don't agree with her actions, but I strongly recommend that you learn how to be forthright about who you are and what you need. If you manage to communicate this and if she still objects to the concept of a man who wears feminine things (she is not sharing her house with another woman ... unless you plan on transitioning, she is sharing her house with a man who wears women's clothing), you need to get down to the finer details with her (nicely) and try to find out what it is, exactly, that she fears will happen and what does she think the CDing is about, exactly, and how does this differ from the way that you see it.
If the two of you cannot get on the same page, then you need to seek the help of a marriage counselor, not to get her to "accept" the CDing, but to teach each one of you how to effectively communicate your needs and discuss things in a sane manner. If after all of this you both are still at an impasse, then you'll both need to make some serious decisions about your futures together.
Reine
of course there are more issues... how ridiculous to think otherwise... u 2 seem to overstate the obvious and belabor it repeatedly on multiple threads... you have your right to your opinion and i have the same right to state .. quit beating the same old horse... there are always other dynamics that cannot be relayed word for word for you to deconstruct every nuance
Thanks for taking the edge off this very sad thread with a good laugh.
Nothing But Fluff ,,,Let her throw um away who cares ? Hell If my wife threw it all away I would just laugh ,,I got it all one time an I will get it again Baby shitt !! Man Woman ,,What ever ya are or what ever ya call your self ,,Just pull up your panties an make some money an buy it all again !! But This sure ain't no Cross dressing issue ,,Your a fool if you think it is ,,This is a Power issue , You gotta figure out if your gonna stay an play by her rules or go an play by yours ? Next time ya buy it all put it in your own place an if it comes a miss there it's called breaking an entering ,,,A felony !!
Yull Find Out !!! lol,,,,
If I repeat some things in different threads, it is because I'm addressing similar issues with different members, just like any other member who does the same.
If I said something in a way that pushed your buttons, I'm sorry. I was doing my best to explain why I believe your wife has issues with the CDing, based on the things that you yourself have posted in prior threads. My post was not meant to put you down, but rather was a suggestion for moving forward so that you can express yourself at home without having your wife throw your things out.
Reine
i hear ya,,, it did wreck me but anything material can always be replaced... even though this was like making a napalm pass after a bombing run... dont really think there is but one path forward at this point.
even though i never agree with you.. i thank you for your kind, caring soul to many.. luv ya
Wow, this closed minded response is exactly why you and your wife are in a doomed relationship. You presented a scenario that was unprovoked and clearly the action of some horrible bitch. But that is not what happened as you indicate here with "more issues." How ridiculous to think otherwise? Because you presented a very different scenario! You show no objectivity and that will be your demise. You can save this relationship but you have to start with you, not her. Good luck
It would be a good idea to consider seeing a counselor or an understanding pastor. I believe that the marriage is the most sacred of relationships and we have responsibility to each other in our marriages. Try and talk with someone who can actually help. Just some thoughts...
Likely a lot of CDers don't agree with what I say and it's OK. I really do try to present it from their wives' points of views (my best guess of what the wife may be thinking), in an attempt to bridge the gap between the two. A lot of times this is not successful, but sometimes it is.
I wish you and your wife all the best, no matter how your situation ends up playing out.
EDIT - Whatever you do, don't toss her things, unless you decide to end it and you're out for revenge ... although I personally believe that people are ultimately happier when they take the high road.
Last edited by ReineD; 11-05-2012 at 10:00 PM.
Reine
This is a good idea; Just because she is female, it does not give her the rite to throw out your
things. I would be looking for a good Lawyer, If she does that, guard the check book, I bet she
emptied it into a separate account where you can not reach any money. It Happened to me.
Rader
I don't have enough info from both sides to really form an opinion... but you will both be in my prayers.
sorry for any snippy replies... its not an excuse but im still devastated..thanks to all that participate.. we are not alone, huh? ... very thankful for the knowledge of that.. it will help me sleep tonite so thanks again
chrismy, You have received some good advice and a lot of childish, bad advice. It's easy for someone who has never been married to suggest that you throw out your wife's clothes, but that's what a ten year old might do.
This is something you're going to have to figure out yourself. Marriage counseling might help, it might not.
Only you can decide if the marriage is worth saving. If you love her and she loves you, it's worth a shot. If not, it may be time for both of you to move on and find loving partners or live alone.
I wish you the best.
[SIGPIC]http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=82706&dateline=137762 0356[/SIGPIC]Linda
After over 24 hours of zero communication....
In the bedroom floor are 3 Xlarge black trash bags....
1st thought --- amazed that i think .. i dont really want it back do i??.. it seems cheapened at a deep level. so much effort, time and money rite there and yet i feel like i dont want anything until i can have it not susceptible to being taken hostage in a garbage bag..
2nd thought .... the stash was hiding in the trunk of her car.. ).
that i have no access to ... i truely believed gone for 4 days.
so i moved the bags back into the closet (irony) unopened. untouched. there is a fork in every road. i know that i am worn out right now mentally and emotionally but will continue to not make a rash move. thanks to all for thier replies.. thanks to the ones i disagree with also .. if everyone thought the same ..(yada yada).. right?
love yall
I recently broke up with my live in girlfriend of 10 years. According to her, my cding was one of the reasons she wanted to leave.(wasn't the only reason) I told her on the second date about my dressing. Every once and a while I would dress around her but usually, I did it when she wasn't at home. At first, I was devastated, couldn't eat or work I was such a mess. But now I am over her and am glad I can do what I want. I know the situation you are in isn't the same, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone in this
Never meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste great dipped in chocolate and covered with sprinkles
I'm a RED member
I was never married nor in long relationships, mainly due to vibes I just give off, something isn't right with me, then my attitude maybe. Im too much of an open book, body language I guess. I just recently came right out in the open with women. This is what I like to do. I look at the woman's point of view by assuring them I wont dress around them. I just don't want to be rejected so I just tell right away. I wish I could just hide my body language better and just not mention my dressing at all, then I would just have a stroke, for real. This relationship your in can be saved. Maybe the two of you just need time to individually do what you each enjoy or just a second honeymoon, but leave the dressing in the back burner for a while. I hope I helped and I like to try.
So,
She didn't throw your things out after all. I think that is very positive! Things are not as bad as you had thought.
What you need to do now though, is work HARD at your communication with her... Especially because you and she have loved each other for 30 years, and have a beautiful daughter who doesn't need to think (every time her anniversary rolls around) that her getting married was a source of secret pain to her parents who had to 'pretend' to have it together.
I feel like you have a month to try and work things out a little better. This will involve boundaries a bit, both for her and for you. For example, you seem to have major anxiety over text message communication being about dressing stuff; so why not ask for conversations to be face to face instead so you don't feel that 'dread' and you two can speak face to face to make for fewer miscommunications? I think another good boundary may be for you to keep your things out of the closet until she brings it up with you and invites them in (if ever).
Boundaries are things which help define where each person ends and begins in a relationship. They are about being clear, and helping each other to remain healthy. Another important boundary is 'I' statements. It helps keep a conversation from being accusatory.
Thanks for coming back and telling us. I'm so relieved that your wife had a change of heart. I can understand you having mixed feelings and being angry about all of this, but I hope that you will see this as an opening for a discussion with your wife ... the kind of discussion that gets to the heart of matters. This isn't easy for you or for her.
I don't know you or your wife obviously. But I do know that few wives understand, truly understand, how much you need to express Chrismy, how much Chrismy is a part of you. If she loves you (I"m assuming that she does), it's hard to believe that she would disregard your feelings like this, if she truly understood the devastation you've experienced during the last few days. Honestly, many of the wives who are not open to the CDing believe it to be no more than a hobby that they disapprove of, and that getting rid of the clothes is enough to stop the behavior. We all know in this forum that this is not true, but then we've educated ourselves about this. Your wife hasn't, and she needs your help. She needs to know that your need to express femiinity is much deeper than just putting on clothes and makeup and having fun and if she can come to understand this, and if she can feel secure that she will also not lose her husband (if you are a CDer and not TS), maybe it will make a difference.
I hope that you will approach her with an open heart and a conciliatory attitude, and also a degree of compassion for the difficulties she is experiencing in accepting that her husband needs to express femininity. If you do this, hopefully she will cease to feel threatened about the CDing and she will begin to approach it with an open heart too.
Good luck!
Reine
What you need to do is tell her exactly what you said on here...about your feelings...feeling violated etc... but, also throw is some humility...you want her to be happy and you feel like a failure in that respect... she might be feeling neglected so ask her if she wants you to massage her toes or something....
Chickie
Hi, Chrismy!
Another of my two cents' worth: with people you never know.
A few months ago I came out to my son. I felt I no longer had any choice. I had no idea what to expect from him: shock, repulsion, disgust? I was hoping he'd be OK because of our history together. And in fact he was perfectly accepting.
Second blow (from his point of view): I went to see him last week to tell him I'd come to a decision. I was coming out of the closet in the little town I live in. Everybody here was going to know exactly what I was. I thought this would be an even harder thing for him to accept than my first revelation. Perhaps it was, but he took it equally well. He let me know he was still with me.
Last night we were texting each other on Skype and I let him know what I had done that day. Without going into the details, I told him that I'd been out on the town that afternoon fully dressed as a woman. Would something like that be hard for a young lad to accept? I think it must be. But what he said was that he was worried that the people of this town would give me a lot of grief for it. That was his chief worry.
Chrismy, over the last week I've outed myself to a number of people besides my son, and I've learned two main lessons, I think. One, if people already feel some sort of love or liking or respect for you, it's easier for them to accept you. Secondly, if you succeed in communicating to them (and I think I succeeded in that this week) how much you need this to be happy, how deeply a part of you it is, it's easier for them to accept you. Emphasize that you're not trying to upset them, that you know how hard this can be for them, but it's simply something you need in order to live. If they can come to some sort of understanding of that, they might find it easier to begin accepting you.
This won't always work, of course. It depends on who you're dealing with. Some simply can't accept CDing no matter what. But if you and your wife want to try to save your marriage, see if you can give her a glimpse of what's going on deep inside you. At the same time, you have to try to get a glimpse of what's going on inside her. This sort of thing isn't easy for either side. Your possibilities are going to be limited by her reactions. You have to try to understand those reactions.
And maybe try to have some sympathy for her. I have a lot of sympathy for my son. This can't be easy for him. But when you really need something, that's the way it is. You try to go forward, but if you love someone, you try to make things as easy as possible on them.
My two cents' worth.
Best wishes, Annabelle
You know. Its not worth being mad. She made a mistake. Try to listen to her feelings. I think that crossdressing is difficult to nderstand even for us. SO's think dont understand its wgo we are.
They get confused thinking that if they accept it it will get worse. They dont realize ut is already "worse" and that we are the ones who control it for the benefit of others nd the disservice to ourselves.
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