What to do?

[samantha11]

Well I have been on here for a little while and most of you know that my wife is the one to get me started in crossdressing and having fun with it also. Now I found out some of my wifes history, to include lots of sex with other guys. We met in college, became sweethearts then married 22 years ago. She had told me she had not been with other guys. Now I have read the proof in her own handwriting. As a young teen she did this, and claims not to have sexual intercourse with the guys. For other reasons I believe her on this. But I am having a hard time with the lie and the thoughts of her with others. She was and is the only woman or man I have had sex with. My son says it would be stupid to divorce after more than 36 years as boyfriend and girlfriend and marriage. What should I do? Your thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

[Dealight]

Samantha, I am sure this is a troubling time for you. Sometimes it's hard to get over feelings...... But some good questions to ask yourself might be, "Am I willing to throw away a relationship (a long relationship!) over something that happened 22 years ago? Is there a possibility she was too embarrassed to tell you years ago, and then found it even harder as time went on?"? I'm sure many of us can identify with wanting or needing a little grace in our lives, and grateful to those who gave it to us. Anyway, just some things to think about. Good luck and hope things go well......

[Amy Fakley]

let it slide! holy mackerel ... that was 36 years ago.
She was a teenager! My nearly 14 year old daughter had a sleep over two weeks ago. Her and her similarly aged friends thought it would be a good idea to try and ride an old matress they found in the attic (to a baby bed) down the stairs.

Teenagers do stupid crap all the time! It's what we've done since that we should be judged on, and from your other posts your wife sounds amazing.
To me it sounds like it would be a very petty thing to be upset about after this long together.

[MsRenee]

Id let it just pass girl that happened before you two hooked up And its a long time ago.
Renee

[Jenniferathome]

You are fretting over something that happened BEFORE ou were married!?!? It doesn't matter. Is she faithful now? THAT is all that matters

[Alice B]

The past is the past and nothing more. It was all before you and you've had a great marriage for a lot of years, have a good family and a wife that supports your dressing. It is no threat to your mannhood or womanhood. See a professional, as a couple, if you have to, but don't trash what you have.

[Lorileah]

Everyone is saying let it slide but they are not seeing the really truth here. I am sure having relations with old boyfriends 35 years ago isn't the issue, it is the "lie" even by omission when she told Samantha she had not had sex with these men. Years have gone by and even though, I am sure, Samantha will work through this with her wife, it will now haunt her as to what else she does not know. Even if there is nothing else, ths can make you stop and make up things which is far worse than knowing from the start.

Sound familiar?

Samantha, don't let it slide, don't pretend it didn't happen, but don't lose your best friend over it either. Talk it out, tell her that even though she kept it from you, you still love her and when she is ready to tell you WHY 9not the intimate details) she did it you are there to listen

[Miriam-J]

It's never easy dealing with surprises from the past, Samantha. But your twenty-two years together should certainly guide your feelings more than what took place before then. Few of us have as tame a youth as we claim, and it appears that the same may be true for your wife. This presents an opportunity for some excellent conversation. But, as others have said, you have so much going for you as a couple that it would be a shame to let those errors of youth damage your life together.

It might help to consider the viewpoints that have been expressed about other secrets here: the hidden crossdressing unknown to spouses for years. Invariably we express opinions that (a) the SO should be told and (b) we would like for the SO to accept our reality for what it is, and us with it.

Here's the real question: Is your SO the same person you knew yesterday, based on all your years together? Is a less than ideal distant past really enough to cast all the good aside? Many on this forum would trade places with you in the blink of an eye, to have such an acceptive and supportive spouse - no matter what happened before you.

I hope you can maintain your perspective and use this as a real growth opportunity for you as an individual and the two of you as a couple.

Miriam

[Stephanie Miller]

Some husbands crossdressed since childhood and didn't fess up to the wife until caught. "I loved her so much and and knew I would lose her if I said anything"


"Had sex before marriage but I didn't want to lose him because of what I did as a kid"

"I smoked it, but I didn't inhale" Opps! Sorry, wrong thread

Neither got around to finally fessing up because some things you just hope to go to the grave with.

But you get my point. It's out. Harbor no hard feeling, but do talk about it to understand.

[Leann68]

Marym, you have stated what I was thinking about how this is reversed from what we usually read about CD hiding the fact from wife that we wear her clothes, and it is more often the fact that we did not tell as the biggest problem , not that we wear the clothes, it is the question put in their mind of what else are we hiding.
I do agree that if you have been together this long and had a good marriage that is all the matters, not what happened years ago.
Think of it in a different way, she knows what other guys are like, an she picked you. For me that is a winner.

[newfem]

I can understand you being upset about the lie and I feel for you, but to be upset at the thought of her with others is rather silly and a waste of emotional energy. Perhaps the reason she decided to lie about this was because she was afraid of your reaction to it?.

[celtic.blue.eyes]

So are we to understand that you have neither any dirty laundry nor skeletons in your closet? Are you really that perfect? How many of your friends would you hold responsible for a lie from 35 years ago? Were you a virgin when you married? So she did something in her teens that she's not proud of. Well that's about as human as you can get.
What really matters is who and what she is now. It sounds like you have had a very successful relationship over the years. Would it really be wise to throw it all away?

[docrobbysherry]

Sam, how many times has she cheated on u in the last 22 years?

If the answer is, "zero", and u have a good marriage, that's the amount of time u should spend thinking about this issue!

[linda allen]

.......... What should I do? Your thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

You are seriously asking strangers on the Internet if you should divorce your wife?

My advice is to forget about the past and get on with your life and marriage. It's not like she was a killer or armed robber. Lots of folks have sex before marriage. Thirty six years ago they didn't brag about it like some do today, but they still did it.

[Beverley Sims]

She has had sex with others, before you were married?
You are a X dresser, and wear women's clothes.
Was she a virgin when you married her?
You have a son with common sense.
Married 22 years.
I said this earlier.
Go away and work on your marriage.
There are a lot more successful marriages with wives that have had premarital sex than there are wives with X dressers.
Those on the internet are liberal thinkers and some might say this is not the place to ask whether you should file for divorce but if you do not want to accept that your wife had sex before she met you??????
How do you think she likes having a X dresser for a husband?
Now go and sort yourself out before someone else does it for you.......

[JamieQ]

You are fretting over something that happened BEFORE ou were married!?!? It doesn't matter. Is she faithful now? THAT is all that matters

Let it go! Its before you met/married her. Many others of us are probably in a very similar situation. What matters is now.

[ronda]

yesterday is gone and can not be changed today is the only day I have to live in live it to the max.Hugs Ronda

[Cheryl T]

Let it go....
It's history and unless you have reason to doubt her fidelity over the last 22 years then you are obsessing over nothing.

[Hollylee]

Your wife sounds wonderful to let you dress. It also sounds like you have had a good relationship over the years. Enjoy her !!!! Why are you hung up on you being the first man for her. Sounds rather like archaic medieval thinking on your part.

[kimdl93]

I think you should allow your wife to have her own past. Personnally, I don't think she was obligated to tell you about her life more than 36 years ago. And I think its irrational to be bothered by this 36 years later. None of this has anything to do with your or your marriage.

If you can't deal with this on your own, then I would suggest that you get to a therapist...fast!

[Beth Wilde]

Presuming you have no STi's, she was obviously responsible before you met and has caused you no pain. If it was before you met and such a long time ago then it has no relevance today. Is she faithful and loving and extremely understanding? If the answer is yes then you are very lucky to have an extremely good relationship which it would frankly be idiotic to ruin over a little white lie from eons ago.

[Kristy Snow]

It happened before you got married, so I think you should let it go. However, I would ask her to come forward with any other secrets. And give her the chance to explain why she kept it from you.

Kristy

[samantha11]

Well I had a good long post written out but it logged me off, so I try again. Thanks for all of your thoughts on this, it does help. Lorileah you are right on about my feelings on this, you are also beautifull !!! My wife an I have talked about this to no end. She had non-intercouse sex with 6 guys that she wanted a relationship with when she was 16-17. Doing 3 of them a month for months on end. Her written words were "made love twice all the way" and "he screwed me". She said all of the girls wrote stuff like this to brag to each other? She did not want the guys in her because she did not want to get pregnant, get an STD, or have female problems. For other reasons I believe her on this? She cannot remember everything that went on, when-where-why, so that frustraits me, not to get the answers I want. But we will stay together I hope. Thank you!
Sam

[Debra Russell]

So -- what difference has this enlightenment made in you actual relationship, I would say to just forget about it - get on with what you got.............................Debra

[Stephanie47]

Samantha, Why is this so important to you? Why do you need to know everything that went on? When? Where? Why? Would you still have married her, if you had known of her teenage sexual exploits, real or imaginary? You've been married twenty-two years and have know her thirty-six! I think you have an unhealthy interest in her past.

For other reasons I believe her on this? She cannot remember everything that went on, when-where-why, so that frustraits me, not to get the answers I want. But we will stay together I hope. Thank you!
Sam