Should I tell my Fiancee?

[ginawarp]

Hi all,

I will be getting married soon in a few months time. I have yet to tell my Fiancee about my crossdressing hobby. There are a number of times that I wanted to tell her but I am afraid she will be turn off by me. I love her alot.

The thing is I come from Asia where the culture is still pretty much conservative. Gay people for example are usually frown upon and the gay people don't admin that they are gay for fear of the social stigma. Such is the culture that I live in.

I know I am not gay but just like to crossdress. However, the portrayal of crossdresser as perverts is so prevalent in the media. Just a while ago, there was a case where a doctor crossdress as a school girl and flash to a girl. Such cases defintely paints a very bad picture of crossdresser as though we are freaks and perverts.

Ok all this doesn't help much. How should I tell her? Dropping hints? How can I get her to understand that they are people like us who are not mentally unsound or perverts but simply like to dress up?

very troubled over this indeed....any suggestions?

[Laura912]

This is a challenge from one who only lived in the Asian culture for for seven years. If you tell her and she accepts it, then you are fortunate. At the other extreme, she will completely deny you and engagement is off which is better than going through a divorce. Any thing between could be workable. You really should sit down with her, explain the situation, and have one of the books available for her to read. There is a good way to do all this explained on this site by Reine but someone else will have to tell you how to find it. Best of luck.

[avant1465]

One thing is for sure..... IF you and she are close enough that marriage is already planned.... then you ought to take the time to reveal this part of "who you are" to her.....

Of course, there is some risk. She may say, "That's not for me." and the marriage could be off. But,... what better than learning that now, rather than some time AFTER the nuptials???? OR... she might say, "I love you.... and all aspects of you... and I'm happy to learn this now.... and let's incorporate it in to who WE are....." A wonderful end that makes all the OTHER great aspects of your relationship even better, now....

I vote for early revelation..... Others?

[~Joanne~]

If your getting married soon, you most certainly should tell her. You don't want to go into that next step of the relationship without being truthful. It's not easy to gather the courage to do so and a lot of pre planning needs to be done so that you know what to say and what not to say while being truthful as possible. If you love her then it should be all laid out. I don't know about dropping hints or fishing for a mock response but whatever eases you into the talk can't hurt.

A lot of girls wait well into the marriage and while so come out of it without a problem, a lot of them destroyed their marriage over coming out many years later. I am sure a lot of "other" factors played into it but the easiest thing for the wife to attack is the crossdressing.

In the end , it's whatever you decide to do and I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted

[NicoleScott]

Yes, by all means, tell her now. If she's not good with it, better to know now than after marriage. But don't be defensive about it, just explain that it's part of who you are, what drives it, and everything else you can (to the extent that you know, and if not, tell her that, too).

[Foxglove]

Going by my own experience and the experience of many others on this forum, I'd definitely tell her. It's a risk: she might decide to call off the marriage. But if she's dead set against CDing, better to know now than to wait any number of years to find out. A broken engagement is far better than a divorce.

If you're a CDer, you always will be. Many people can tell you it's no fun being in hiding from someone you love, someone you're married to. It's not a good situation for either person concerned.

My opinion is that for her sake and for your sake, you need to tell her. To lose someone you love isn't easy. But you are what you are and that's not going to change. If you marry her without telling her, chances are she's going to find about it some day any way. And when she does, she won't be happy.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Henna]

I'm struggling with the same thing myself. Your profile picture at least looks very young, so I assume your age is somewhere between 20 to 25. If I could go back to that age, I would tell my GF...and not after being 10 years together.

At that age you can still find someone else, someone who accepts you as you are.

I don't think you will want to wait for 10 years, until your wife finally finds your clothes. Then you will be more miserable than now, if your ways part.

I think that I will tell my current GF with a letter. I just don't know how to say verbally the things that I need to say, so I will write a letter of how I feel, how I've felt before I even met her. My biggest regret is, that I didn't tell back then. You don't want to be in the same situation.

[Tracii G]

Yes tell her I agree with all the posts above.

[kimdl93]

I don't think a cultural prejudice against CDrs should deter you from telling your fiance. Your obligation, before you get married, is to let her know who she is marrying - in all your dimensions. Sandra (the moderator) has a really good link to a guide to telling your SO. Track her down and follow that link. Read the whole thing, then try, in your own words to express all of the answers to the questions your Fiancee is likely to ask.

Don't drop hints, just come out to talk aobut it.

Also, you are presuming that your Fiancee thinks we are all perverts or mentally ill. Is that based on any conversation with her - or are you letting cultural prejudices influence your own perceptions of what she may believe?

[Sandra]

You really should tell her before you get married and what ever you do don't drop hints. You need to sit down with her and tell her. Ask her to hear you out before she asks any questions, then answer her questions as honestly as you can, don't say things that you think she might want to hear as that just makes things wore in the long run.

I just hope that you don't lose all her trust in you because you haven't told her before.

[Jenniferathome]

I just wrote this to another young CD about to get married:

It is hypocritical of me to write this, but tell her now. I, like many, married and hid this part of my life from my wife for 20+ years. It was unfair to her and in the end, caused unneeded stress for decades. At some point, you will be discovered or you will feel compelled to get it off your chest. Your wife will be shocked no matter what, but it is the "lie" that pisses them off the most. Sit down with her and tell her.

[AllieSF]

As you can see Gina there is 100% agreement here so far that you should tell her. There are enough threads here about those that tell later in life and that late telling really negatively impacted most of those relationships in some way. Look at it this way. You love her and she loves you, however your secret may be one that she cannot live with. It is so much better to get that out in the open now before true wedding plans start, if they have not yet already started. She needs the chance to back out and you need to know that if she really does accept it, under what ground rules will your future male/female life have to live under. You are young and fortunately it will be much easier for you to eventually find someone else if she decides you have become someone that she does not want to marry. Expect the worst and hope for the best, that way you will be satisfied with something in between. Good luck.

[stephNE]

I have to join the tell her group. Only good things will happen.
After a couple dates I asked my wife (then GF) if she would help me with a fantasy? She said "yes, what is it?". I told her I would like too try on a few of her things and she went to her bedroom and started pulling out items she thought I could fit into. That was 33 years ago and I am still married to that wonderful woman. Good luck! Steph.

[Gillian Gigs]

It is better to tell her now than risk her finding out later. Speaking to her in your timing gives you the chance to think things through properly and be prepared for any potential questions from her. This is a big thing and not something to take lightly, she needs to know about this side of you. Even if the worst happens, better for it to happen now, rather than later. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you will quit either, you might be able to, but if you can't, then you are back to square one all over again. Most of us here are experts at purging, only to go to same circuit all over again.

[Missy]

Tell her before you get married
do not think she will have problem if it presented as your hobby instead as your lifestyle
if she gets turned off then better now then after getting married

[GeminaRenee]

Definitely, tell her before you get married. Out of everything I see on this forum, that's the one thing that jumps out most at me - the pain of married couples where the woman didn't know - and found out by any one of many mechanisms later in life.

You could say if she finds out - but I think it's more a matter of when. Women are not dumb. It could take a week.... it could take 50 years, but I'd be willing to bet that the odds are that she will find out one way or another. And if that's how she finds out, then it is a lie - which has to be the most destructive thing of all.

You worry about how things could go wrong by telling her.. I agree, that's got to be imposing. But with time, telling her will only become harder and more painful. Do it now, or soon - as in, before you get married - and get it over with. Then you will know what you need to know without having taken the risk of hurting each other further. Besides, easy for me to say, but if she's not trans-friendly, then there's probably always going to be an element of unhappiness in your life. Life is to short to seek people who disparage things closest to your inner self.

[CONSUELO]

Don't try to hide it as that will just store up a lot of trouble for later in your marriage. Believe me, difficult as it is, honesty is the best policy. But be prepared to answer questions about transvestism and perhaps consider a visit to a COMPETENT counsellor.

[giuseppina]

Tell her NOW, Ginawarp. There should be plenty of time this weekend for a long discussion. As the others say, this is a big trust issue. There is at least one sticky in the Loved Ones section about this. And, dropping hints is not a good idea. It's best to be direct and upfront about it and not dance around the issue.

This is something that is highly unlikely to go away. There is a large school of thought that the crossdressing is part of you for life. The stories that are in the news media are just that. The crossdressers that are not in the media are a better reflection of us because they want no part of sexual or any other offenses.

A long closed thread about how to tell your partner by a respected GG member who no longer posts is here:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ner&highlight=

I think it's fair to say that your fiancée would benefit from membership in the GG section of this forum, a private section just for them. This is her decision and you cannot ethically force this upon her.

As the posters above say, it's much better to tell her now and let the chips fall as they may. There are three possible outcomes. First, your marriage proceeds as planned. Second, your marriage is delayed until she decides if she can accept the crossdressing. And third, the engagement is broken. For the latter two cases, there will likely be some costs regarding contracts already signed, however, that is infinitely easier and less expensive to deal with than a divorce down the road, to say nothing of the heartache.

Consuelo's idea about counselling is a good one. The right one is a duly qualified, licensed, and nonjudgemental social worker, psychologist, psychiatrist, marriage counsellor or other individual who keeps religion completely out of the discussion. If they have previous experience in gender issues, so much the better.

Good luck.

[Jamie Burton]

Gina, I was in the same situation. We had been engaged for a few months and I was totally scared but I knew that I had to open up to her about it before we said our vows. It wasn't easy but it proved to be the right thing to do. We will celebrate our 20 year anniversary next summer.

It is better she knows before you are officially married - you don't want to start a life together with something like this kept secret. Love can work around being transgender easier than it can work around betrayal, which if you hide it until after the wedding is what you revealing yourself will seem like to her.

Good luck!

[Stephanie47]

If cross dressing is such a taboo in your Asian community, there is more than the relationship between you and her to consider. Will she be able to bear the burden of concealing your cross dressing from a judgmental family? Too many times people experience conflicts with the in-laws. I am assuming you have concealed this from your family. I think there are too many people who fall to the pressure of others or the perceived pressure of others than exercising their own will.

Perhaps your fiancee is willing to be a part of your secret, perhaps not! She has the right to make an informed decision. You're in San Francisco. I can only assume there must have been some vibs thrown around concerning cross dressing.

[reb.femme]

You really should tell her before you get married and what ever you do don't drop hints. You need to sit down with her and tell her. Ask her to hear you out before she asks any questions, then answer her questions as honestly as you can, don't say things that you think she might want to hear as that just makes things wore in the long run.

I just hope that you don't lose all her trust in you because you haven't told her before.

This is 2 posts where I've used Sandra's reply to reinforce my own thoughts.

When I told my wife after many years of marriage about my little pasttime, her biggest complaint was that I hadn't trusted her enough to tell her before. Trust is the biggest issue. Bite the bullet, tell her and live with the consequences. If she accepts, then you have trust and no secrets.
As already said, better now than having to go through a divorce later.

I never told my wife because I thought I was a lone weirdo, but I found this site and my eyes were opened to reality.

Rebecca

[Julie Gaum]

All the replies contained the same advice developed by experience or being exposed to the threads of so many others in the same boat at one time or another.
I'm only adding my comment because I very much disagree with one poster who suggested that you explain it's your hobby and not a life style. While I might
omit using the words "life style" as that might convey ideas to your GF that would be misconceptions I certainly would not say "hobby" since in the future she could easily believe that hobbies are something you can have to occupy free time or you can change to another hobby which is not true for CDs. So please pick from the many sensible ideas for guidance.
Julie

[Leanne2]

I agree with everyone else. You have to tell her.... soon! But be prepared. She will want to learn all she can about cross-dressing so have the books and website addresses ready. Do not tell her that you will stop for her. You won't be able to change who you are and then she will feel betrayed. Good luck, Leanne

[Melissa_59]

Tell her, and don't beat around the bush either. She will find out eventually, and if she's completely against it you'll have a divorce on your hands, and divorces are not pretty (I've been through two myself). If you tell her now and she can't handle it, then it's a broken up engagement, but not a divorce. Divorces are ... really really ugly, 99.9% of the time. My last ex tried to bring it up during divorce proceedings to get alimony from me. Luckily I had a very good lawyer who told me to call her bluff, and she got a settlement but no alimony.

~Melissa

[ginawarp]

thanks everyone! Hmm...do you think it is possible for me to just forget about CD and drop it off completely? Not sure whether anyone here has been successful?
That is one of the alternative for me. That is to just kick away this habit...i am not sure whether i will be able to do that, i have tried my best but so far I am still into CD-ing..anyone with such experience?