That is not realisticOriginally Posted by ginawarp
That is not realistic
My only conversation with her is based on the article about the doctor who crossdress-ed and flashes to a school girl. She says that is disgusting (actually I think so too) and don't understand why he does it when he has a wife. Ok, I think such bad example really tarnish the name of crossdresser. I am sure most of us are not like that.
It seems unlikely, to say the very least. In my own life, I have tried to put it to bed forever, more than once. And for every time I've quit, I've started again. When I think about this question, I think about the day I had a month anniversary date with an incredibly beautiful, charismatic woman. I decided I was going to stop being weird for once and for all, so I could enjoy normal romantic relationships - ones where I wasn't living in fear of her looking in that dresser drawer, or this particular tote. I threw 5 years worth of clothes in the dumpster, and smiled as I walked away. Turns out I still miss some of those clothes - but not the girl.
It's just too much a part of me to try and deny. And everything I read on this forum tells me that my experience is not terribly unique. Search for posts on the topic... you'll find quite a lot of information.
Oh, and I think that it's unlikely that anyone who has successfully banished cd'ing from their lives would still be hanging around this site!
Last edited by GeminaRenee; 11-09-2012 at 11:03 PM.
"She ain't waiting 'til she gets older, her feet are makin' tracks in the winter snow.
She got a rainbow that touches her shoulder, she be headed where the thunder rolls."
-Van Halen, "Secrets"
Gina, you should tell her. The last thing you want is a divorce, then there's alimony, and possibly child support. That would definitely ruin your life whereas now it would hurt, but you'd get over it. You could bring it up to her like you've done it occassionally and don't consider yourself "one of those people" who she sees on the news. I think it helps if you act like it's no big deal, just experimentation. If you approach her like you have some big, dark secret, that might set the wrong mood.
thanks all for the advice...i will try to find a time to tell her...however, i have a feeling that she may ask me to kick away the 'habit'...I will try to muster enough courage and let her know soon. will keep everyone posted.
To share my same experience, of course this is 32 years ago, things were different then. I love a woman so much I would do anything for her. I stopped cross dressing to keep from losing her, she was the love of my life. We were married for 15 years, ending in a divorce. I still loved her dearly and I think she did me too. Two years later she past from a brain tumor, I lost my best friend. It had been 17 years of really not even thinking about crossing and I didn't start back immediately. As time past somehow something started me back to being a CD. In short, to have her back again I would stop cross dressing again. How much do you love her?
Gina, the ladies here are telling you exactly the same thing they told me, something like a year ago. I was still too terrified to tell my own fiancee, so I stayed away from these forums for a long time, knowing that, if I couldn't get over that hump, being here wasn't likely to do me a whole lot of good. Well, not very long ago, I managed to screw up my courage and tell my fiancee, and the result has exceeded even my wildest hopes! She's accepting, she's encouraging, she gives constructive advice, she's even let me pick through bags of clothes she was looking to donate and expand my own wardrobe that way! (She also gets jealous that I can look more feminine than her, and that I can wear certain things she can't...go figure.)
Now, given the experience I've had, I can chime in as well: Tell her! You may find, as I did, that it won't be as bad as you thought...and it does feel so good to finally let go of the secret! It's made me more confident, both as Amy and in my "normal" male self.
- Amy
Amy Gale Ruth Bowersox (nee Tapie) - "Be who you are, and be it in style!"
Member, Board of Trustees, Gender Identity Center of Colorado
aka Amelia Storm - Ms. Majestic Hearts of All Colorado 2018-2019, Miss Majestic Hearts of All Colorado 2015-2016
I'm highlighting this because it's important.
Your need to crossdress will likely increase with age, if you are like most other members in this forum. You may not dress frequently now so it may seem as if telling her is optional, but there will come a time in your life when this will no longer be true. You will accumulate clothes and other things, you will need to find times to dress, and it will be increasingly difficult to hide things. And the hiding that you will engage in over your double life will spread into other areas of your marriage, which will cause a rift in your marriage even if your wife will have no idea what is going on. With each passing year that you don't tell her, it will get even more difficult to tell her that you had not been honest with her from the beginning.
So yes, you do need to tell her before the wedding. Please read the quoted advice carefully before you tell her though. Above all, be prepared for a thorough discussion about this and think about how you will answer all her questions, before you bring it up.
Good luck!
I just saw this. Please, whatever you do, do not make promises that you will not be able to keep. Although you may feel right now that you can stop and (maybe) stay stopped, if she does ask you to stop I would tell her that you will try (if this is what you want to do), but also tell her that CDers usually cannot stay stopped. The urges may return after one, five, or even ten years. She does need to know, whithout a shadow of a doubt, that the CDing simply DOES. NOT. GO. AWAY.
If she does ask you to stop, ask her how the two of you will handle it if after some years the need to dress returns to the point of making you feel miserable if you cannot dress.
Last edited by ReineD; 11-10-2012 at 02:17 AM.
Reine
I would tell her before the wedding,you're not going to kick it away for very long
take it from those of us that have tried, a life time of hiding,guilt and fear is not a good way to live
if you do hide it from her and she finds out later after you are married
that creates a whole new set of problems
Just be aware that you can't put this back in the bottle after you tell her
it could result in everyone else find out you're a CDer
I wish you the best of luck and hope that is goes well for you
I think the only one who can answer to that, is you. However, if it's really part of you deep down, you cannot drop it off forever. You might close Gina out of your life for 10 years, but there will be that day when she comes back if she is as much part of you, as your other side.
Also, it's not really healthy to suppress something, that is part of you. You will just end up stressed and tense, like I have been more times than I can count in my relationship.
I think you need to do some soul searching and come to a decision what to do.
I've Tryed to Stop CDing, but it's just part of me I alway come back, simple as that for me. As far as Telling her I'd have to say do it. There should be no secrets or lies in Love. Trust me, keeping something big to yourself can cause some very bad problems. In the end just trust in yourself do what you believe to be right.
Good luck,
Cara
Is your fiancee Asian as well?
Depending on how she was raised as a child she may be more accepting than you.
You can ask the odd searching question to gauge her attitude, but you will have to tell her.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
Gina, you and your fiancée are right about this particular CDer. There are disgusting and criminal transpeople in the world, sad to say. We transpeople are like any other group of people: there are rotten apples in our barrel. But as you say, most of us aren't like that. Most of us are quite decent people.
As regards giving up CDing, it can be done. I myself did it for many years because I was on my own with my son and I was afraid that if the Social Services found out about my tendencies, they might take my son off me. That was a well-founded fear: there is a very famous transwoman in this country who had her access to her child severely restricted because she was trans.
So yes, you can give up CDing--but you can't give up being trans. I can tell you from personal experience there's little that will make you unhappier than constantly fantasizing about CDing and not being able to actually do it. I think that if you want to be happy in life, you have to be what you are. Your desire to dress isn't going to go away. If you try to repress it to make your wife happy, you'll only be making yourself unhappy. Ideally both partners in a marriage need to be happy.
Best wishes, Annabelle
Common sense should tell you to tell her before ORDERING the wedding cake! If the *hit is going to hit the fan,a whole lot better now to have it happen. You are going to have to try to erase the image"of the flashing doctor" from her mind in order for her to see it clearly.And don't agree to anything other than seeing the right therapist TOGETHER.You haven't been true to your inner self so far,I suggest you go no further until this gets talked out.
It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !
You need to tell her ASAP and no, you can't (and won't) drop the CD habit.
It's in your genes (and in hers! jeans, that is.)
Yes she is Asian as well. What is an odd searching questions?
"IT" would allow you to explore her feelings without committing yourself...Such as.."I just saw two Asian TG girls ahead of me in line at the grocery store and they surely were well put together"...Then you see what her response is and the discussion of THOSE girls,follows. You get to feel out her thoughts on the TG world. But,do it at a good time when she isn't distracted..Then you can "polish" up your confession from there. We are all waiting!! lol
It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !
I think Beverly means that you can ask questions about her acceptance and comfort with diversity, such as gay marriage, pride parades, what she thinks about some actor dressing as a woman in a funny or serious role in a movie or television program. These are indirect questions that may help you discover more about her ideas and opinions on diverse lifestyles associated with the LGBT world, us! If you ask direct questions, you may or may not get a direct answer if she wonders why you are asking questions like that. The reason to ask those questions over a period of time when the opportunity arises or that you can create an opportunity to talk indirectly about these things is to help you understand her views and maybe how she may react to your coming out to her. They are not mandatory to ask before you tell her, but their answers may help you present your personal situation to her in a more understandable and hopefully more acceptable way to her.
When you tell her, I can only recommend that you tell her the truth, i.e.are you just a CD or maybe more, or you are not sure, or you are pretty sure. Keep the explanation and details to a minimum because I think that the revealing of your CDing may be a big shock to her, especially if she is very traditional and conservative. She will need a lot of time to understand what it means to be you and how it may affect her life in the future. I do not believe that a lot of details (telling about all the clothes and accessories that you have, how often, if at all, that you go out, etc.) in that first few conversations are necessary and may be too much information too fast. If she asks respond. I find that a lot of us, me included, tend to over explain when given the opportunity. I have seen people's reception of that information go from one of intense interest to one of "Why am I being given all the details (boredom)?"
There are some good resources on this site for how to tell someone, a loved one, about what we do. It may help you plan your approach to telling her. Good luck.
At the time my fiance and I were having pre-marriage jitters and doubt. I knew my CDing was a strong part of me. I went ahead and came out and told her. Just putting everything out there. She was the first person i ever shared this side of me with. I guess I was giving her a chance/reason to back out. She stayed, accepted, and supported. Marriage takes a lot of work from both parts and CDing can really test the relationship. My eventually broke apart.
Can you just pack up "gina" and stop dressing? Depends on your will power and happiness. We all have those moments when the pink fog rolls in and you need that balance of girl time.
I'm glad you brought that up, that's very good advice there. Try not to make it appear as some horrible shameful thing that's the end of the world (I made that mistake a bit)...but as Nicole said... part of who you are. Talk about what it means to you and how (in general) it makes you feel...I think...
I think that "how to tell" thread that was mentioned is a good place to start in figuring out the "how"
Veronica
If you believe in it, makeup has a magic all it's own -- Sooner or Later (TV movie)
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?- Marianne Williamson
Have I also not said that "This Thing of Ours" makes some of us a bit "Barefoot in the Head"? Well, it does.
If/When, you talk to her make sure you are prepared for any response she may have. This could be devistating to both parties, "Prepare for the worst and pray for the best." I wish you luck on what ever you decide, I'll be praying for you and wishing you happiness whatever the outcome may be.
Gina, there is a risk either way, I don't know your girl friend, so I don't know how she would react to such news. My first wife didn't handle it all that well when she found out, but my second wife didn't bat an eye about it, she took me shopping for clothes and wanted to see me in them the day I told her.
Sure you can quit, it's easy, so easy I've done it many times, the hard part is staying stopped, that was the part I could never master.I don't know what causes a mans need to dress as a women, but it seems to be common world wide. The important thing to know is where you want to go with it, is just dressing as a women part time enough, or do you think you want to be a women full time, these are things she will want to ask, and you will need an honest answer too.
I know I couldn't live with the lie, of keeping it a secret, and I'm glad I came out to my wife, I should have done it much sooner, but I fell in love and got married at a time I thought I had put it all behind me, after a couple years of marriage the need came back, and trying to hide it almost ruined my marriage, telling her saved it.
Magic is the art of changing consciousness at will.
I am new to all of this but being a GG and there is nothing worse than dishonesty in any kind of relationship, my BF has been open and honest and because of that i am able and more willing to accept and love him all the more. I would never want him hurt or want him to suppress who he is. Sit down with her better to find out now then later especially if after the wedding and kids then become involved.......Best of luck.
Certainly questions about diversity will help you prepare yourself, but no matter how conservative she and/or her family may be, she still deserves to know the truth. As someone else said, the odds of keeping that secret from her long-term are decidedly not in your favor. My boyfriend told me after we'd been dating about 18 months - and that was a big enough adjustment. But the fact that he was honest about calms some of my fears - because he was truthful, I know I can believe him when he says he's a male CD and does not want to change his gender or live as a woman full-time.
I would also suggest having some resources at the ready, for when she wants more information. I spent a lot of time googling and found so many stories about CD's who decided to transition later on that it scared me even more. It took me awhile to find better resources (like this site).
I told my late wife that I was a crossdresser when I proposed to her. Her response was, "Do you go out in public dressed as a girl?" I told that yes, I do sometimes go out in public that way. She said, " I can really help with that!!' We had almsot 50 years together before cancer took her!! Definitely tell your fiancee before the marriage. Otherwise you are getting married under false pretenses!! Just make sure that she knows you are her MAN no matter what you are wearing!!
Stephanie
Lady on the outside, but man underneath!
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