I'm a Failure

[irishsissy]

I hope everything works out for you. Sometimes my family does,nt understand why I do what I do. But sometimes they seem fine with it. I know I can,t change now. I,ve been at it way to long and I know it,s what I really have to do to keep me happy. I do believe that family is family and they will hopefully understand. Most of all trust your heart. HUGS , Cindy

[Beverley Sims]

No you are not a failure, you have lost weight and are probably healthier for it.
If you are able to come out to others even better.
A failure? No!

[AmyGaleRT]

Anne dear, you are not a "failure." Not by any means.

Are you a failure because you're taking better care of yourself? Hardly. Would that I had your willpower!

Are you a failure because you learned you can't stop dressing? Not from where I and all the other ladies here are sitting. We know full well that, once the crossdressing bug really gets into your veins, the only thing that can get it out permanently is embalming fluid. You can suppress it, you can purge, but you can't remove the need and desire. You could wish you'd never started, but what's done is done. Your femmeself has become part of you, and to deny it is to deny part of yourself. I've felt what it's like, and I've also felt what it's like to let go of that denial and embrace femininity. I have to say, I much prefer the latter.

As for what you've told your daughters, that you would never do it again...tell them the truth, that you were wrong. That you're only human. That part of you needs and loves to appear female on occasion, and denying that doesn't do anybody any good, least of all you. You already know you'll have their love and support; why do you punish yourself?

Please also know that I don't think you're a failure. Nor do lots of people here. I want to see you happy, to enjoy life no matter what mode you're in, to use your femmeself to enhance your life overall. I'll bet lots of us would say the same.



- Amy

[AnneB1nderful]

Stepped away for moment to respond. You all are so wonderful and absolutely right! I told my daughters and they were understanding and supportive. Will post more later.

Thank You!

Love,
Anne

[Meghan]

Stepped away for moment to respond. You all are so wonderful and absolutely right! I told my daughters and they were understanding and supportive. Will post more later.

Thank You!

Love,
Anne

Anne,

That's great news. Might take a few days to process for you, though. Jumping up and down right now, seriously...

Have a great night and looking forward to hearing more.

Meghan

[AmyGaleRT]

Stepped away for moment to respond. You all are so wonderful and absolutely right! I told my daughters and they were understanding and supportive. Will post more later.

Oh, Anne, that's wonderful! I am so happy for you. And I'll be waiting to hear more details.

- Amy

[Stephanie47]

Anne, I'm late joining the chorus. Since your daughters are supportive, the only thing I can add is when your grandchild(ren) sit on your lap to watch cartoons with you, you'll realize you are not a failure.

[ReineD]

What will they think of me? I'm a failure.

I'm open for advice.

Anne B.

I think you should instead ask yourself, what would YOU think of yourself if you didn't know any of them? You need to live for you and not for them, especially since your daughters are adults and they have their own lives.

... besides, didn't they say they would support you?

[Noel Chimes]

Anne, here's a saying I learned as a child that has carried me through a lot of rough times; " Be who you is, not who you is not. Those who do this are the happiest lot". A lot of wisdom from a kid's cartoon.

[kimdl93]

You've taken a number of steps that will contribute to a longer and healthier life. That shows a degree of discipline and good judge,meant that some people lack. And you made a good faith effort to adhere to a conventional male lifestyle. I think it's commendable that you were willing to try. But, the reality is that you are what and who you are.

You tried to do something that was ultimately too difficult for most of us...and failed. There no shame in failure..we all do it all the time. And through failure, we learn and grow.

[AnneB1nderful]

Girlfriends!!!

There are absolutely no words to express the appreciation I have for all of you. I joined this group with trepidation. I felt like I jumped off a cliff into darkness. I really didn't know what to expect. All I knew, is that I was weary of fighting myself. So I jumped in with both feet. Well, I didn't fall far at all. Your welcoming, gentle, caring hands caught me. And they continue to support me as I'm learning how to walk again and thrive with this new acceptance. Your gentle nudging as I'm going thru all these emotions have been of great comfort. (Holding back tears)

Now to describe this wonderful weekend of self-discovery....yes, even in drab I learned more about my whole self.

So, I ended up being alone with my 26 year old daughter. Was nervous about talking to her so, I approached it slowly. I told her I started crossdressing again. And she poked out a small smile. That confused me a little, but I continued to describe how I got to this point. I of course mentioned this forum of wonderful human beings that have embraced me. She said, "Dad, even though we don't understand, it makes you happy. That's what we want more than anything." It was weird. I was her dad talking to her about wanting to dress and act like a woman. At that moment, I didn't feel feminine at all. I felt like her Dad. However, I slipped out, "I make a beautiful woman," and she laughed. I wasn't offended at all by it. I laughed too. Just thinking if my dad were to say that to me, I'd bust a laugh too. Yet, she didn't cringe, shun away, or look at me like a failure. Then I asked if she wanted to see a picture of me. She said she wasn't ready for that, "It's just weird, dad. I've known you this way all my life. I just don't know what would happen if I saw you like that." No problem and we hugged. I was still her dad.

It was a little harder to get my older daughter alone. She's got twin 2-year old girls and a 5 year-old son. But, later in the evening I took her aside and told her what I've been doing for the past 2 weeks. I really thought she would be the more supportive one. She seemed to be a little more reserved and asked, "How did it lead to this?" So I explained and told her that the CDing wasn't bothering me. I've come to accept that as a part of me now. The thing I was worried about is everyone looking at me as a failure. She said, "Dad. I don't look at you as a failure. I know this has been a part of you for a long time. You've been trying to stop your whole life. You're not hurting anyone. Not even yourself. If it makes you happy, then go for it." We continued talking about spiritual stuff and their mother, I won't get into here, but she became very supportive and her reservations seemed to fade. We hugged.

I still have my son and another daughter to tell. This is not something you send in text or say over the phone. I want to do it in person. They have slightly different views on life and may not be as supportive. But, I know they will always love me.

So, while driving home I was so happy and proud of my girls. I was reflecting on the weekend and practicing feminine attributes. It didn't seem like 3 1/2 hours driving home. It was 2 am when I got home, slipped into a some panties and nightie and fell asleep in comfort and peace. Woke up this morning inspired to do some chores and take care of finances. Of course I had to get dressed up a little first. A girl's gotta keep her priorities straight.

Again, Thank You so very much for everything. I'm here to stay!!!!

-Anne

[Jorja]

Anne I am going to tell you a true story.

There was once a young man who could think of nothing else except how he had somehow been put into the wrong body. He should have been a she.

The young man repeatedly voiced his concern. He got slapped down each and every time he brought the subject up. He got knocked across a kitchen because he stood up at the dinner table one night and said, “now that I know it can be done, I will be a girl someday”. The young man became deeply depressed. He got to the point where he tried to kill himself because no one would listen to him and there was no reason to live anymore. Not if he had to live in this body the rest of his life. He tried not once but three times. He was a failure.

The young man tried everything to conform. As a last effort, he joined the Navy. His father said, “good, the military will make a man out of you”. He was so miserable. Again, he was a failure. Somehow he found the strength to make it through the four years of his enlistment. He had secretly started the process of transition while still in the Navy. On the day after his enlistment was over, he ceased to exist. Gone. Like he never was. A new person took his place. She was geeky, a bit overweight, and looked nothing like a girl.

It was amazing how she blossomed. She was radiant, outgoing, and a joy to be around. There was something really strange about her face though. It had a smile on it from ear to ear. She entered college and obtained degrees in Architecture, Engineering, and Design. She went on to work for one of the most prominent Architectural Design firms in the US. She married a wonderful man who she lost just a few years ago. She went out on her own and started her own Architectural Design firm. She loves life and everything associated with it (except asparagus).

So all of this to tell you, you have do what is best for you. You can be miserable within yourself or you can open up to the world and be that person you want and need to be. Your choice.

No matter your decision, know that we will be right here to help, understand, and support you.

[Mikaela]

Winners know when to quit.
If at first you don't suceed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm

[Meghan]

Winners know when to quit.
If at first you don't suceed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm

I 100% agree! There is a tremendous amount of value in learning what doesn't work. Most people aren't confident enough to put themselves in a position to fail at all. That's the numbness a lot of people feel, I think, because for many inaction is better than dealing with the possibilities and changes that could occur.

There is also value in just showing up for work each day (figuratively speaking) to advance your ideas and impact on the world. We all have the power to influence the discussion! Look what happened here, I wonder if Anne could have told her daughters without this forum. Maybe it wouldn't be for another 5 years without the collective intelligence and information of what this life is like.

So in a very meaningful way, every single member, post or positive action helps this community in ways not any one of us could accomplish individually.

How cool is that?

Meghan

[Annaliese]

One cant fail if the task was imposable in the first place.

[justmetoo]

Anne, your "What a Wonderful Weekend" post brought tears to my eyes. It's obvious you have 2 loving, caring, intelligent daughters and that in itself is the epitome of success if you ask me. I'm glad it worked out so well! Best wishes with your other daughter and your son!

[AnneB1nderful]

I know once someone develops a behavior pattern, it takes a "significant emotional event" to force change. I thought when the only person I've ever been with, the love of my life, my wife of 29 years left me for another man, that was it! I'm done crossdressing forever. Whether she ever came back to me or not, I was convinced that crossdressing is an evil thing. It ruined my life.

Been doing a lot of reflecting and soul-searching over the past 16 months. I've come to the conclusion, she didn't leave because of my "problem" she left because of her own problems. But, that still didn't change my resolve to never crossdress. However, I've never been alone this long. I didn't fit into any other social groups. So, the temptation to dress became overwhelming during this Halloween. I actually dressed and purged twice within a week before deciding to join this forum.

Well, I haven't felt this loved or happy in a long, long time. I wish I would have joined this forum years ago. May not have changed the outcome with the wife, but I probably wouldn't have made the same mistakes. I also would have been far less miserable.

My oh my! It's hard to type in nails. But, I'm lovin' it!!!!

Love Y'all

Anne

[Meghan]

You'll get used to the nails! The pressure points on your fingers shifts further down the finger, and closer to the fingertips. I have spent the last 6 months or so transitioning to longer nails for everyday wear. It was frustrating for the first 45 days or so, then like a switch it felt better and natural. My fingers are showing much better form and the stress on my elbows etc. has gone down.

After all, changing is a part of growing.

Meghan

[ClosetED]

So glad to hear you no longer consider yourself a failure and you have found more acceptance and continued happiness!

[AmyGaleRT]

You found the courage to tell them. That makes you not a "failure."

They found it in themselves to accept this part of you. That makes you doubly not a "failure," for having raised such intelligent and supportive daughters. (Your eldest daughter displayed plenty of feminine wisdom. Maybe she gets it from you. )

Now, of course, comes the part that may take you the rest of your life...learning more about how you can become the best person you can be, both female and male. But it should be a fun journey! And I'm glad you're here taking it with us!

- Amy

[AnneB1nderful]

I would love to reply to each one of you individually. But, that would take a long time. As a matter of fact I already typed a long reply on my phone and for some reason it didn't get posted and I lost it all (grrrrr). Ok so here we go.... take 2

I have always been the encouraging one. The one that says, "You can be whoever you want to be." But, this time, I needed the encouragement. And you all did exactly that. Sure, I felt like a failure. I did fail. I failed to achieve a goal I set for myself. But, I didn't understand what I was asking myself to do. It's like I was asking myself to cut off my right arm simply because it didn't look like it should. It looked and acted a little different than the rest of my body. But, it's a fully functioning arm that has always helped me.

Crossdressing is a part of me. Femininity is a part of me. To shove it into a box or try to cut it off was counter productive. It made me more miserable. And even when I thought I cut it out of my life, it eventually grew back even stronger. I don't understand why. But, it is what is.

So, I accept who I am. I am a Crossdresser. I may have failed at being something I was never supposed to be. But, I am NOT a failure!!!! And, now I have a new goal. I'm going to be the best crossdresser I can be. And if anyone doesn't like it, then (snap, snap, snap) they can kiss my panty clad, shaved smooth butt!!!!

So, girls, I've still got a lot of learning. I'm glad you are here with me. And I will be here for you.

Sent with the most sincere appreciation and love I can express on a keyboard.

Anne B.

[Gaby2]

I would love to reply to each one of you individually. But, that would take a long time...

I have always been the encouraging one. The one that says, "You can be whoever you want to be." But, this time, I needed the encouragement. And you all did exactly that...

I would love to write my own personal response to every single sentence of yours, Anne, and indeed to everybody, expressing my gratitude... especially for all the encouragement.
Best of all, this is Crossdressing at it's best... bringing us all together
I'm everso delighted for you and your family.
Gaby

[Chickhe]

Sounds like you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Maybe its better to just be yourself a little and stop trying to suppress things... Since you told everyone they won't be too shocked if you find the need to explore a bit. I let myself free to explore and learn and in the end I can honestly say I answered a lot of questions and I no longer feel like I need to suppress anything anymore....but I actually dress up less than I ever did.

[AnneB1nderful]

Hi Chickie,

I know you're right. I need to find a good balance and I know I will. I'm not going to suppress my femininity any longer and see where it takes me to become the complete person I need to be.

Thank You,
Anne

Sounds like you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Maybe its better to just be yourself a little and stop trying to suppress things... Since you told everyone they won't be too shocked if you find the need to explore a bit. I let myself free to explore and learn and in the end I can honestly say I answered a lot of questions and I no longer feel like I need to suppress anything anymore....but I actually dress up less than I ever did.

[Kelly Smith]

It is impossible not to like you, Anne.