How Do You Cope?

[Silmaril]

Hey Sisters, I have a question I'm grappling with, and I could use input from any of you that have the patience for this long post (for which I apologize in advance). I'm in a terrible tailspin about my identity, and I'm wondering if any of you can relate or have any insight to offer.

I had always thought of myself as a crossdresser. My patterns followed what I have seen so many of you write about here as you describe being a crossdresser. My therapist (who I recently began working with) asked me to design the perfect scenario for myself, even if it's a fantasy. I started by saying I'd love to be able to switch back and forth from perfectly male to perfectly female at will. But then came the realization that--now that I am without a wife so am not "needed" as a man--if I actually had this power, it would be no time at all before I had absolutely no interest in switching back to being a male. This came as a huge surprise, not the least of which was my nearly complete lack of loyalty to my male genitalia.

I've discovered that, for me, crossdressing isn't simply a foray into being a woman; it's an escape from being a man. To me, there's a big difference. I've realized that my heterosexuality is partly due to how strongly repelled I am by male bodies …including my own. In fact, I now view the primary (only?) benefit of my inhabiting a male body as being that it allows me to attract women. But I am also suddenly aware of how my feminine nature--and maybe more specifically deficiencies in my masculine nature--has sabotaged my romantic relationships.

In crossdressing, I am not simply courting my female side; I've realized I am simultaneously rejecting and fleeing from my male side. I don't know what I am, but I'm not a big fan of labels anyway. I just know that there is more involved here than simply crossdressing. This realization has turned my world upside down. I would love to be in a loving relationship. But it doesn't take a statistician to see how remarkably low my odds are of finding someone who'll put up with this situation, let alone stay with it long-term when there is an entire world filled with potential male partners they were raised to imagine marrying someday. Also, for the record, transition is a highly improbable option for me. This is the first time in my life I've seriously entertained the notion.

Next Friday, I turn 50 ...talk about Black Friday. As if a simple midlife crisis weren't enough, now destiny has heaped this on. I'm on the verge of entering my next decade as a cliche I've always dreaded …maybe because on some level I knew it was the case: I'm a woman who is trapped in a man's body. I am confused, I am sad, and I am in the kind of pain that you might imagine this situation would create. I have a host of behaviors I've used for ages to "medicate" this situation, but they aren't effective, they hold me back, and it's time to move beyond them.

In a moment of gallows humor, someone on this forum once suggested that there's ultimately only one way out of this situation. I think about that every day now, but I'm far from ready to give in to despair. I'll keep working with my therapist, but I'm looking to my Sisters here for advice or insight.

My question is this: For those of you who understand what it is to be at war with your maleness, who would probably transition if you could but can't, and who based on probability are looking at living alone, what keeps you going every day? How do you cope? Even just "You're not alone" helps more than you might imagine.

[MsRenee]

Just being able to go from drab mode to my feminine side keeps me upbeat. Its the easiest way I found to help deal with everyday lifes stresses. Im kept upbeat by her presence inside of me and my ability to connect with her. I have no intentions of transitioning as Ive found to be totally in love with myself. I guess if your happy with yourself thats the best kinda love out there cquse it sure makes me smile alot.
Renee

[Kate Simmons]

I stopped going to "war" with my maleness some 7 years ago Hon. Instead, I decided to address all of my feelings head on and stop riding the roller coaster of back and forth CDing. I had to honestly admit to my feelings and accept them as part of myself. The next step was to integrate them into my overall self and to become a full spectrum person under one aegis. I basically made dressing a total choice rather than let it remain a compulsion. Then I called the shots and not the(CDing) process. Total honesty is required with this method, however. Anything less than that will not be effective. Once we control our own destiny(and take responsibility for our own actions), how far we go and what we can do is totally up to us.

[Fashionista]

Hi,

although I am younger, I was / am in a similar situation. At age 37, I am still single, I tried transitioning once but stopped, and I often think about the question what would have happened if I continued my transition.

What stopped me years ago was my family, the reactions I got from them and the emotional toll it took on me. When you are on the internet, in discussion forums, read blogs about transitioners who visit Dr. Ousterhout (who I guess is still in business; he will probably die doing one of those facial feminization surgeries) and return from surgery as a totally passable girl... you start to think that transitioning isn't that hard, that it's quite simple, that you will be in the same situation you are today, just female. There are so many people on the net cheering for everyone jumping on the transition bandwagon that it's quite easy to lose one's grip to reality.

If you are into women, it's probably easier to find a girl as a guy than as a post-op TS. Chances are that you will stay alone on both sides. As a man because you crossdress, as a woman because lesbians still prefer genetic females. I've tried to find my luck on both sides, but I am still single.

When I started hormones (before my 30th birthday), after just about 2 months I did have leg cramps sometimes, which stopped after I stopped taking hormones. At age 50, if you don't do sports (running, walking), you face a higher probability of thrombosis after taking hormones.
I still have all of the breast tissue that I developed during that time. If you stop hormones and do not go all the way, you can only get rid of the breasts via surgery. When I look at my little boobs in the mirror after I get up, I love them and hate them at the same time. Which girl wants a guy with breasts?
Think about that before you start taking hormones - some changes are irreversible.

Apart from all of this, I don't know in what employment situation you are. If you are still working, consider whether you want to give up your current standard of living. Contrary to what people on forums often write, it's very likely that you will lose your job when you transition and will have difficulties finding a new job that is paid equally. Even genetic females receive about 15 - 20% less income than men; the situation is worse for transsexuals.

Compared to the point where I wanted to transition and today, I've tripled my income, have become a senior executive in a big company, and now earn enough money to be able to afford all of the designer stuff I always dreamt about. It might be a bit too materialistic for some, but it helps me to get through the day when I am down.

How do I cope? Well... I work a lot, that helps. I am not going out in drag anymore, in my leisure time I just dress as I like, mixing male & female clothing. This way, chances of finding the right girl are highest - if she likes me as I am, I don't have to explain or hide anything.

Just think very hard whether you want to go down the transitioning route. If you do have friends and family who don't know yet about the transgendered side of you, ask yourself which friends you will lose, how your family will react, and whether you are able to cope with all the emotional stress that comes with it. Believe me, this is something that I totally underestimated. Thinking back to this makes me cringe so much that every notion of transitioning is nipped in the bud.

You are not alone!

[sometimes_miss]

What would be my ideal scenario; that was a similar question one of my therapists asked of me. When I told her it would be to go back to being 14 and become the girl I had thought I was supposed to become, she said then that I was most likely transsexual. That was in the early stages of our sessions; things changed. I too have no 'loyalty' to my male genitalia; while I've enjoyed the convenience of toilet and hygiene habits for my 50 years, 'they' haven't been kind to me in the sexual arena, certainly not performing on a regular basis, often being a 'no-show' when the curtain went up.
I used to think crossdressing was and escape from the reality my male self was in, and in a way, I suppose you could call it that; but it's more of a sidestep into being what I really am, as the male attire and behavior is pretty much an acting role that I have refined over the years. I wasn't like this as a kid; I was shy, accomodating, deferential to other's desires, the typical 'nice guy' that girls had absolutely no attraction to. And I knew that would have to change, so I simply learned to act like the macho male that women want. It may be all an act; but they don't know that. I even invented an old motorcycle accident to explain my frequent erection difficulties; problem solved, I just make up for it with other skills.
As far as the labels, forget about it. Know who and what you are, what you want out of life, and plan how to get it. If you can't find an acceptable plan, ask for help. No success there, learn how to fulfill the needs you have to survive.
If you are able to enjoy sex with men, then transitioning is certainly an option. Men in general are horny beasts, and there will always be some who will screw a post op TS girl, although you won't have a huge number of suitors. Nor will you find anyone likely to want to marry you; men want sex, not marriage. Men get married because it's what we're told to do, because we think the passion of those first couple of years will last and grow forever, and because it's an ego thing to have children to prove our virility. Smart men know that from the wedding day on, that women will never, ever look as good as she did right before we get married. EVER. That's why women work so hard to 'catch' a man into marriage.
However, being a man, you CAN compartmentalize, and that's what so many closeted crossdressers do. They simply do their crossdressing at one time, and have relationships at others, often in the same day. Now, there's nothing wrong with that, until the woman we're involved with figures it out, then it's usually over for good.

My way of coping. It's certainly not for everyone. But it works for me.
1. compartmentalize. It's not the best option, but it is an option.
2. If you're lonely, you have two options to relieve the withdrawal pains of affection deprivation. 1. girls for hire. This ranges from simple gogo girls all the way up to expensive call girls. BE nice to them, they will be nice in return. I spend enough time in gogo bars to know that a lot of them will snuggle up with you as close as you want, as long as you keep your hands away from her private parts, breasts, crotch and ass. DON'T try to kiss her. Don't try to have sex with her, or take her out, until you know her (which you will if you become a regular customer) and start taking her out, outside of the bars. Let things progress as becoming close friends. Don't bad mouth her nasty boyfriends; she already hates him, just needs a reason to know you're the one she really needs. This will not happen with all of them. But the few times it works, it's magic.
2. Learn how to attract women. If you're already a ladies man, you don't need further advice from me. If you don't know how to pick out a girl in the bar and get her home, you need help, and I can point you in the right direction.
Don't use a 'wingman'. That's for amateurs. Besides, I found they screw things up more than they help.
A lot of life, becomes telling people what they want to hear. After that, they're happy, at least for quite a while, so remember, you're doing them as well as yourself a favor. Message me if you want more info.

[carhill2mn]

I have read your post several times trying to determine how I should respond. I, probably like many here, can identify with much of what you have stated. However, each of us probably does not feel exactly as you do.

First, I am not "at war with my maleness". Even though I prefer to present as a woman as much as possible. I do revert to my male self when I am with family (some of whom know that I CD) or friends who only know my male self. I do not like having to do this but I do not want to make these people uncomfortable with me. I would love it if "society" were willing to accept "Carole" without any reservations but that is not reality.

How do I cope? I change back to my female personna as quickly as I can! I live as much of my life as a woman as I can reasonably do. I do not see this as escaping from my maleness as much as I see it as pursuing something that is pleasurable to me. There are many things that one does because they bring pleasure even though you cannot do them all of the time.

The implied "solution" is not a solution unless one cannot see any other way to live. Most of us here do not feel that way. Therefore, we find other ways to cope, as you say.

Self-acceptance of who/what you are is probably the most important. I hope your therapist can help you with this. Once you have been able to accept yourself, many of the other "issues" will either disappear or you will be able to resolve them.

Turning 50 need not be a problem. In many ways it is easier to enjoy presenting as a woman when you are a bit more "mature". You have great latitude as to how you choose to present yourself and act.

You are definitely not alone here. Continue to read and post here as there are many who are able and willing to help you.

I wish you well!

[Gaby2]

Hi Silmaril,
I have to say first of all that I think it's great that you have almost reached 50 years of age. Enjoy your Birthday! I'm a couple of years behind you... but I'll catch up soon!

During the last few years, I've slowly but surely allowed CDing into my life, rather than continuing to live in almost constant denial and torment.
I'm more and more at peace with myself.
CDing has become more of a solution than a problem.
Indeed, it helps me to cope... with everything!

I've had a number of relationships since my marriage broke down.
If it's any consolation, one can also be very, very lonely in relationships.
Relationships aren't necessarily the be-all and end-all they sometimes seem to be.
Nevertheless, I do hope you find someone who you can trust and be really close to.

I have never been attracted by the thought of transitioning.
It does seem to be on your mind as a serious option though.
Take your time and know for sure that there are plenty of Sisters here willing to share their experience(s) with you.
And learn from yours

Gaby

[Phoebe]

Hey Sisters, I have a question I'm grappling with, and I could use input from any of you that have the patience for this long post (for which I apologize in advance). I'm in a terrible tailspin about my identity, and I'm wondering if any of you can relate or have any insight to offer.

I had always thought of myself as a crossdresser. My patterns followed what I have seen so many of you write about here as you describe being a crossdresser. My therapist (who I recently began working with) asked me to design the perfect scenario for myself, even if it's a fantasy. I started by saying I'd love to be able to switch back and forth from perfectly male to perfectly female at will. But then came the realization that--now that I am without a wife so am not "needed" as a man--if I actually had this power, it would be no time at all before I had absolutely no interest in switching back to being a male. This came as a huge surprise, not the least of which was my nearly complete lack of loyalty to my male genitalia.

I've discovered that, for me, crossdressing isn't simply a foray into being a woman; it's an escape from being a man. To me, there's a big difference. I've realized that my heterosexuality is partly due to how strongly repelled I am by male bodies …including my own. In fact, I now view the primary (only?) benefit of my inhabiting a male body as being that it allows me to attract women. But I am also suddenly aware of how my feminine nature--and maybe more specifically deficiencies in my masculine nature--has sabotaged my romantic relationships.

In crossdressing, I am not simply courting my female side; I've realized I am simultaneously rejecting and fleeing from my male side. I don't know what I am, but I'm not a big fan of labels anyway. I just know that there is more involved here than simply crossdressing. This realization has turned my world upside down. I would love to be in a loving relationship. But it doesn't take a statistician to see how remarkably low my odds are of finding someone who'll put up with this situation, let alone stay with it long-term when there is an entire world filled with potential male partners they were raised to imagine marrying someday. Also, for the record, transition is a highly improbable option for me. This is the first time in my life I've seriously entertained the notion.

Next Friday, I turn 50 ...talk about Black Friday. As if a simple midlife crisis weren't enough, now destiny has heaped this on. I'm on the verge of entering my next decade as a cliche I've always dreaded …maybe because on some level I knew it was the case: I'm a woman who is trapped in a man's body. I am confused, I am sad, and I am in the kind of pain that you might imagine this situation would create. I have a host of behaviors I've used for ages to "medicate" this situation, but they aren't effective, they hold me back, and it's time to move beyond them.

In a moment of gallows humor, someone on this forum once suggested that there's ultimately only one way out of this situation. I think about that every day now, but I'm far from ready to give in to despair. I'll keep working with my therapist, but I'm looking to my Sisters here for advice or insight.

My question is this: For those of you who understand what it is to be at war with your maleness, who would probably transition if you could but can't, and who based on probability are looking at living alone, what keeps you going every day? How do you cope? Even just "You're not alone" helps more than you might imagine.

How do I cope with crossdressing? Living life day to day to the fullest. For years was in self doubt about my female side. Before internet there wasn't many places to seek help. Thought about going to a physiologist, but then I was fearful that they might tell me to stop dressing all together. So that idea was put aside. I think going to Tri-Ess meeting was the first big step. Seeing others like myself and courage to crossdress when the opportunity was available to me. Also attending support groups in St Paul and Minneapolis such as City of Lakes Crossgender Community http://www.clccmn.org/and also Trans Folks Friends and Allies meetings. See the Event page for meeting places and times. I live alone however I live in a building with 200 other tenants therefore not all alone. I do volunteering at a senior activity center twice a week and help other older adults with computer learning. I enjoy doing that. On Halloween I went as "Janet" for the first time to the center. Had some teasing from the other helpers of course but was not derogatory in any way. They really didn't care the way I was dressed!

Next Friday, I turn 50 ...talk about Black Friday. As if a simple midlife crisis weren't enough, now destiny has heaped this on. I'm on the verge of entering my next decade as a cliche I've always dreaded …maybe because on some level I knew it was the case: I'm a woman who is trapped in a man's body. I am confused, I am sad, and I am in the kind of pain that you might imagine this situation would create. I have a host of behaviors I've used for ages to "medicate" this situation, but they aren't effective, they hold me back, and it's time to move beyond them.

Also I will turn 74 in a few weeks and certainly that will not be a Black birthday!

[Angela Campbell]

How do I cope? I stopped telling myself that this is wrong. I decided if I was going to do this then I will do it to the best of my ability. I just had to face it. I want to be a girl. I like being a girl, and I deserve to be one once in a while. It doesn't hurt anyone.

[Beverley Sims]

Well happy birthday for Black Friday.
Go out and buy yourself something for 50 bucks that originally cost 400.
I did that last year but you need to be in one of the big 6 cities to do it I think.
50 sounds like losing your youth. Ok, but do not lose your humor or sense of worth.
Go out and attract a female, you can still do it.