A pattern I've been noticing for a long while... (kinda long post)

[WillowWriter]

For a long while now, I've been noticing a pattern between members of this forum, and their S/O. It seems that a common topic is telling their S/O about their dressing, yet they've been married a long while. It's something I can't understand, as two or three months into dating my girlfriend, I told her about it, because if you are hiding things from your loved one, its only gonna get harder and harder to come out, and they could act very differently then if they told them early on. I know its straight up hard to tell someone you love something that they might not like, but if they can't live with it, or even enjoy it, how can we say the truly love us. My girlfriend enjoys my dressing, we have a little fun with it, but I keep in to a minimum, as she's dating a guy, not a girl. Often, members are saying that they wanna dress whenever they want. That's all fine and good, but is it fair to your S/O? I truly don't think so. They fell in love with a man, not a girl. It's something I can't see be fair to our S/O. Between coming out to someone we love, to wanting to dress always, or in moderation, we really need to look at the situation and ask ourselves this: "Is it ultimately fair to her? Do we really have the right to complain about her wanting it around only so much, or not at all?"
My thoughts in the matter, we need to be honest about what we like to do early on, and we can't always be dressed, some situations are different, of course, but we need to consider what our S/O wants and needs. In all aspects of crossdressing, we really should always take every factor into account, as there is a cause and effect to everything. I know for damn sure that I wouldn't choice dressing 24/7 over my loving girlfriend. It isn't fair to her, nor is it to myself. We can't always go around thinking at our own needs are the only in the world, it doesn't work that way.
With this post, I wanted to start a discussion about these patterns I've witnessed around the forum. Agree? Disagree? That's up to you, I'm only saying what I think and feel. Everyone is different after all.

[Stephanie47]

Your analysis maybe fine and good for you young people just starting out in life in 2012. Try getting into the time machine and transporting yourself back to the 1950's or 1960's and the 1970's. You'll get a totally different picture.

[WillowWriter]

Your analysis maybe fine and good for you young people just starting out in life in 2012. Try getting into the time machine and transporting yourself back to the 1950's or 1960's and the 1970's. You'll get a totally different picture.

Yes, I am speaking as a 20 year old, but how can we allow ourselves to hide a huge part of who we are from out S/O? I know I didn't grow up when times were very much harder for the trans world, but the sure doesn't mean I had it easy. I've been beaten up, I have scars on my face, chest, and hands, because I was different than other kids and people around me. People may become more open over time, but the ones who never can, still can very much hurt you. Hiding things like this, it'll lead to much more pain and heartbreak. It's the sad truth.

[Miriam-J]

Stephanie's right, but perhaps not descriptive enough. When we grew up in the "old days", most of us were convinced that (a) we were all alone in our strange interest and (b) no one, and I mean no one, would accept what we were doing. It was a lonely, dangerous world for the crossdresser - and even more difficult for the transgendered.

Thankfully the world has changed a lot in recent decades (as discussed extensively in another recent thread), so there's a lot less excuse for not telling early now. I hope to hear less and less of such concerns ten years from now.

Miriam

[Lorileah]

Stephanie, so what you are saying is being dishonest in the old days was acceptable?

I agree with the OP (No surprise) and I am a child of the late 60's and 70's. However, even though I kept the secret from the world, I didn't hide from the one person who should know you and trust you. And when you do that you are basically saying to your SO "I don't think you can handle this and make a wise decision and show me just how much you really care for me. Thus, I will lie to you. I will lie about the clothes today. I will lie about money later. I will lie about anything I don't think you have the ability to make up you own mind on...Because I am selfish. I want you to tell me what you feel and what you are, but you get the facade."

So getting back to the age part. It is 2012, so why can't you now tell your SO? It isn't the 60's anymore.

[Eryn]

In my case, I didn't really know what this strange fascination was until something prompted me to do some research. That sounds really improbable, but that is the way it was.

[WillowWriter]

Stephanie, so what you are saying is being dishonest in the old days was acceptable?

I agree with the OP (No surprise) and I am a child of the late 60's and 70's. However, even though I kept the secret from the world, I didn't hide from the one person who should know you and trust you. And when you do that you are basically saying to your SO "I don't think you can handle this and make a wise decision and show me just how much you really care for me. Thus, I will lie to you. I will lie about the clothes today. I will lie about money later. I will lie about anything I don't think you have the ability to make up you own mind on...Because I am selfish. I want you to tell me what you feel and what you are, but you get the facade."

So getting back to the age part. It is 2012, so why can't you now tell your SO? It isn't the 60's anymore.

I very much agree with you Lorileah. It's wrong to lie to your loved one, they are the person that should understand you the most in all of the world, and lying to them, doesn't help the case. It only risks many bad events that could happen over years to come.

[GinaD]

Having hidden Gina from my wife for many years until she busted me cold, I realized not revealing Gina to her in the beginning was a big mistake. The painful result was a humilating and painfull divorce. If I could turn back time, I would either reveal Gina as soon as I felt there could be a future with someone and see what happens, or would do what I do now, only have a limited relationship with someone who meets Gina at the beginning. Lying about it, regardless of the social view of CD at the beginning, was a huge mistake.

[Kate Simmons]

A true relationship is based on trust and is also a partnership. Both of these factors should figure in how we proceed with those we love. If either of them are lacking, the relationship will be problematic at best and potentially disastrous.

[PretzelGirl]

First, we are all different. But in my shoes, I just can't imagine not being able to tell my wife something. I wanted to marry her because I wanted to share every part of my life with her and I wanted to have her share her's with me. I just don't feel my definition of marriage could be anything different.

[Miriam-J]

First, we are all different. But in my shoes, I just can't imagine not being able to tell my wife something. I wanted to marry her because I wanted to share every part of my life with her and I wanted to have her share her's with me. I just don't feel my definition of marriage could be anything different.

I agree with this entirely, and I certainly feel this way with my current wife of three years. But I wasn't always so wise in my choices, and lived with the first such decision for over 20 years. Unfortunately it appears that many others made less informed choices as well when they were younger and are still bound by those choices.

Miriam

[TeresaL]

Stephany is right about those of us in the fifties who were in denial about TRANSVESTISM. TRANSVESTISM was so shameful that we discriminated and bashed TRANSVESTITES. We, of course were not transvestite, so we went to war and did overcompensating things to prove we were not that much maligned, detestable, perverted, TRANSVESTITE.

I married at twenty three, then at 35, drove into my parking slot at work, slumped over my steering wheel and sobbed my heart out. The most disgraceful feeling overwhelmed me like the dark veil of death. Why? Because I realized that the wretched TRANSVESTITE was me.

[Nicole Erin]

Listen to WilloWriter, she is 20 years old and that is the age when we know everything.

Willow look - I am close to 40 and even 20 years ago the GLBT community was still trying to make ground. Here is one for you -
Look up on youtube 1950's homosexual PSA. There will be a video that is black and white, about 10 minutes long... THAT is what our older sisters had to deal with. GLBT back then and probably even in the 60's and 70's had NO rights. Even in the 80's when I grew up people were afraid of it.

ALSO as far as "owing" someone something, as you age you start to realize that no one owes anyone a damned thing.

I know for the typical person in their early 20's they think they have it all figured out but trust me, you guys have plenty to learn yet.

EDIT - for my older sisters here, I am not claiming to have been around back when a 57 chevy was just another car on the road, I will say I cannot imagine what you all went thru. Even us 80's brats had it rough and I know we had it a little better.

[WillowWriter]

Listen to WilloWriter, she is 20 years old and that is the age when we know everything.

Willow look - I am close to 40 and even 20 years ago the GLBT community was still trying to make ground. Here is one for you -
Look up on youtube 1950's homosexual PSA. There will be a video that is black and white, about 10 minutes long... THAT is what our older sisters had to deal with. GLBT back then and probably even in the 60's and 70's had NO rights. Even in the 80's when I grew up people were afraid of it.

ALSO as far as "owing" someone something, as you age you start to realize that no one owes anyone a damned thing.

I know for the typical person in their early 20's they think they have it all figured out but trust me, you guys have plenty to learn yet.

I'm not claiming at all to know everything, let alone say that crossdressers back in the 50s on should've come out in public as a crossdresser. Please understand that "typical" doesn't mean everyone, and what I'm saying is it's 2012, why can't people start breaking down some walls, and stop lying to the one person they truly love? I'm not saying I know anything, I'm just saying I have my own views of the matter, and I'll say that for almost 21 years of life, I've seen Hell, and plenty of it.

[Tara D. Rose]

Having hidden Gina from my wife for many years until she busted me cold, I realized not revealing Gina to her in the beginning was a big mistake. The painful result was a humilating and painfull divorce. If I could turn back time, I would either reveal Gina as soon as I felt there could be a future with someone and see what happens, or would do what I do now, only have a limited relationship with someone who meets Gina at the beginning. Lying about it, regardless of the social view of CD at the beginning, was a huge mistake.

This post GinaD is a very good example of why some cd's do not tell, even the ones that are on here and do not disclose this side of us to our wives, do read stories like this, and thus, do not tell their wives for the fear of losing them. I can understand that. Some may love and need their wives so much, that yes, they will keep this side of them a secret forever. There are those marriages of 30 plus years or so and the wife doesn't know. Should the cd tell now? Those are the cd's that grew up in the 50's where this was a horrible taboo. These wives in those long term marriages, grew up in that same era where this was a marriage killer.

I agree with the op that it should be disclosed at the beginning of a relationship and or marriage. So when two people get together and are thinking about marriage, why heck yes, it's time to tell, she may leave the cd, and they may not get married. She may tell all of the friends. But at least he was honest, and if she does leave him because of the cd'ing, then he will not have a failed marriage as a result of disclosure. In today's times whether young or old, when a man meets a woman and thinks of becoming married, they have his site and so much other information on this topic to help everyone understand, and so, it is right that the cd disclose the cross dressing especially even more so with so much help to define cross dressing.

Things are different today than those that married in 1959 or 1962. For some cd's that have been married for a long amount of time, in some and not all of these marriages, the husband is the best one to know how the wife will react, especially the long term marriages where they know just how they will respond to almost anything. So the husband doesn't want to lose his wife in some cases, so he never tells. We read of divorces on here a lot by the husband disclosing. If they dress only sometimes and they have a happy marriage and he knows she will want divorce in his heart, should he tell anyway, knowing she will leave.

But this is different to ones meeting these days, yes, tell it all. Tell everything about this to someone new. Even still, she can ruin his life by telling the world. It will be a fact, that after he tell his wife to be, regardless of what she does with it, she will always have something over him. We even read of divorces where the wife has known for years and years, and then gest a divorce for other reasons, but then claim, it is the cross dressing. We have read these many times on here. it works for some and not for others. So I say, yes always tell before marriage, and maybe after marriage, but not in all marriages.
Younger people especially have an advantage in this, for they are more open to diversity and acceptance at 20 to 25 years old than what the 55 plus age group is or grew up.
I'm not disagreeing with anyone here. I just feel that ALWAYS disclose is not ALWAYS the (right,best) thing to do in a long term marriage. Some husbands did tell and lost their wives, then live with regret and pain. Sometimes they disclose and all is well. Sometimes the price of disclosure can cause greater pain than a clear conscience. Just my 2 cents worth.
Peace and Love,Tara

[TeresaL]

What I'm saying is it's 2012, why can't people start breaking down some walls, and stop lying to the one person they truly love?

And that is what most crossdressers in this century do, TODAY they tell.

Gone are the foreboding issues and monikers. Even the name, crossdressers is being used, LGB became LGBT, shrinks stopped using shock treatments and reparative therapies to get us to stop. My latest therapist told me there is nothing wrong with me, and nothing to be cured.

However, I recall in the nineties that transvestite (crossdressing was getting preference at this tme) websites abounded with ideas on how to keep crossdressing without your spouse knowing or finding out. How-to hide your stash, getting a P.O. number, renting a storage locker outside of town, and many things I forgot after all these years. I also recall how many sites that I frequented in the nineties would push for herbals and Internet pharmacies.

Times have changed; I have changed with them

[MissyDuskGG]

I can understand the fear of a man who cd's, losing his wife because of it. So he never tells her for the sake of the marriage, relationship, whatever. But it'll nag at him until it eats him up inside because the urge to dress is strong. He'll think about it constantly. Sometimes, the truth comes out anyway. Even if we try our hardest to prevent it from happening.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Its not a lot different for others = trans or us who are intersex, go back to 1947. im 65.

no info no Drs'or Gps you ....would even .... wont to talk to, let alone say im intersexed,

at age 10 youd be cartered off to the nut house & mark my words no if's or but,, your gone .i know some of the storys of those who went though hell because of those damm idiots , very different for us,

& what would i say any way, forget it, the trend is world wide look at over 100,000 people not just here with 26 000 about, members. youll see why. more like about 200,000 people & even then we have no idear really,

...noeleena...

[Melissa73]

yeah i can understand being open in the beginning, and i know that now! but i was raised in the 80's and caught by family members. And even thought they knew, we treated my dressing as a "secret" never talked about....and mom even said, it was fine to dress in the house, but be careful of going out. there would be people to hurt u. This has stuck with me.....that, and also that there was no internet available, to let me know i was not alone. I thought i was weird, and perverted. for dressing! A fact i told my wife, last month when i came out. Its only now, i realize how tolerate people can be!!!!!

Melissa73

[ReineD]

However, I recall in the nineties that transvestite (crossdressing was getting preference at this tme) websites abounded with ideas on how to keep crossdressing without your spouse knowing or finding out. How-to hide your stash, getting a P.O. number, renting a storage locker outside of town, and many things I forgot after all these years. I also recall how many sites that I frequented in the nineties would push for herbals and Internet pharmacies.

Times have changed; I have changed with them

That's a great point! I joined this forum in 2007 and there were lots of questions about how and where to hide stuff. Tons of them. Today there are just a few. The consensus among the responses in threads about whether to tell the wife or not, is to tell. This was not the case five years ago. And although there are still some small groups in this country who feel they can provide a "cure", I think they are fewer and farther between. The medical profession almost universally prescribes hormones for those who need it.

Gosh, when I first started reading SO support sites, the biggest complaint among GGs was, "Eek, my husband wants to wear panties". And now it's not uncommon to read, "OMG, he wants to transition".

It took Stonewall to propel the gay movement out of the closets, out of the DSM, and into the mainstream, which now is leading to gay marriages and gay adoption! Although there has not been a single, deciding event in the T community, there have been many small news stories about transitioners, beauty pageants here and there, a famous model or two, a sitcom even if it was unsuccessful, that are inching general awareness forward, tiny bit by tiny bit.

Back to Willow Writer, I agree with you that there is no excuse to not tell a SO, especially today with all the information available ... unless of course someone who has been married for 30 years has not told yet, and he feels that telling his wife will wreck his marriage. He should still consider telling but it is not an easy decision to make, not when you're near retirement and are facing the loss of half your assets through divorce, especially in this economy, especially if you don't CD much. Also, in order for this CDer to have told his wife 30 years ago, he would have had to have known WHAT to tell. Twenty or thirty years ago, CDers who liked to put on ladies things in order to masturbate might have thought they had an odd sexual quirk that was sick, perverted, and shameful. They understood nothing about gender identity or gender non-conformity. And it is understandable they would not have wanted to share something so personal and shameful with their SOs especially if they kept trying to stop. But I'm guessing the CDers who had a better handle on it did tell. So we do need to make allowances there.

[Beverley Sims]

I won't call it a selfish attitude amongst some, more like thoughtless.
We all get wrapped up within ourselves and sometimes forget the feelings of others.

[Daisy41]

Why do we speed down the highway? Why do we rack up hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loan debt? Why do we continue to vote for the same congress people we claim are crooked? The point is, we can read up on all the history in the world, but once the experience becomes yours, it's different. I know I read about purging and trying to suppress cross dressing was a common trend and was pretty predictable. I read about marriages that failed and marriages that succeed post revelation. The problem was, this was my life, my future, my wife. I thought I'd be one of the few to successfully purge and remove the urges from my life. A lot of people today may be coming out in their relationships, but the fact of the matter is, when they go forth in a marriage, cross dressing becomes a minor blip in one's life. You're starting a new life, you eventually have kids becoming a part of your family, other things become priority. Once the urge to cross dress comes back, it does so with a vengeance and without warning. We try to hide it because we truly put our S/O's and family first. We want to be the best father in the worlds, the most supportive husbands, we don't want to jeopardize it in any way at all.

And as much as S/O's may accept what we do, it's honestly far from the majority. Coming out to your girlfriend certainly isn't the same as coming out to someone you are obligated to spend the rest of your life with. When you come out, you have to accept the worst possible scenario: your life being ruined. You have to determine if this part of your life that you so unsuccessfully tried suppress is enough to bring it all down into shambles.

Add to that, I wasn't even sure where cross dressing would take me. Before marriage, I just enjoyed wearing dresses around my apartment. I hadn't gone out en femme. In fact, the idea of en femme seemed silly to me. No make up, no wigs. As I got older, the desire to cross dress blossomed into so much more. How was I supposed to know it would go this way?

So while I would love to see more of us come out to our SO's early in the relationship, the fact of the matter is, we don't know where it's going to take us. So many of us would give up our lives for our family and wife. Why would we risk it for something as "silly" as wearing a dress? Unfortunately, for myself, and so many of us, it turns out the desire isn't so much as dressing up as it is expressing a feminine side that has always been locked away. We don't know that until later in life and quite honestly, from what I've read, it's not something we just decide to do. We wake up one day and we see a skirt that we're dying to try on and we're not sure why and it won't go away. So, we continue to make the same mistakes as so many before us.

Either way, I think it's important we push those getting into a relationship to reveal as soon as possible and comfortable. For those who are reluctant, we need to be here for support and offer advice and suggestions.

[Sara Jessica]

Your analysis maybe fine and good for you young people just starting out in life in 2012. Try getting into the time machine and transporting yourself back to the 1950's or 1960's and the 1970's. You'll get a totally different picture.

Every situation is different. I'm a child of the 70's/80's and I disclosed well before I got married. Kind of like going out, it just seemed like the thing to do. Being so alone with my TG nature, perhaps I just needed someone to share it with rather than to stay alone.

[*ROXY*]

Because we're human. There isn't a person alive who is totally open about everything they do and feel all the time or we'd all end up in A&E or therapy.
As wonderful as it is you told your partner that you crossdress it's a bit high and mighty to come on a forum where people are after advice and support and open a thread saying "why don't you tell you partner strait away I can't understand it"
If you're after praise for telling her - good on you! - pat on the back. The pattern you refer is not a pattern, just a common theme, funnily enough it's a massive thing for someone who's kept it secret for such a long time and to do so will often ruin and break down their relationship for obvious reasons. I would say a pattern would be
1) come out to partner
2) go ape **** with the shopping
3) wonder why the brakes have come on
For reference I have told my wife, she's fine with it, I didn't tell her at the beginning like I should but hey, that's the way it panned out.
There I've finished ranting now, nothing more to see here, move along....

[Cheryl T]

Firstly I have to agree with the statement that things today are far different than they were when I was 20. Had things been so open then I would have had a completely different life from then to now.
That being said I attempted to be honest once. Remember now that growing up and discovering this side of me in the 50's was much different. There was no internet, no open discussion of sexuality and those who were "different" were outcasts. I realized I was not alone about 12 years after first feeling "different"...I was 18 then. It was such a relief to know I was not alone. Then came college and a wonderful girl. We were in love and she was everything. I wanted to marry her so it came down to telling her my secret. I felt it would be fine as we told each other everything and she would never hurt me, just as I would never hurt her.
Well....I was wrong. When I told her she called me a "freak". Said she wanted a MAN...not a FREAK!! My world crashed.
Move ahead some years and I'm now in love with someone else. I want to marry her. I CANNOT tell her and risk losing everything again. As much as I wanted to...and sometimes hinted at it...I could not take the risk. It was not lying, deceiving, cheating...it was self-preservation. Then some years into marriage she discovered the secret. We talked and talked and it was rough, but it wasn't the right time. I went back into hiding. Then I reached the point where I couldn't hide anymore and I came out to her. I suppose the years had brought security in our relationship and she was willing to explore this and now she is my biggest supporter.

Sometimes we want to share everything, but circumstances just won't allow it. Had that been now I would have told the first girl right away, maybe things would have gone the same, maybe not...can't worry about that now. It is what it is!

This is a difficult and very individual thing for each of us. We alone can determine when and if the time is right...