Sorry a little lengthy - please read and comment. I am really lost as to what I should do.
This morning I was commenting on another thread, about coming out to your SO, and why many of us have been married for a long time did not tell our SO before our marriage. My first reaction was - What if you didn't really know your own "condition" early on in life?....
As I was writing my reply, I realized that I am going through the toughest time right now, and it looks I am going to be at major crossroads where, in order to be true to myself, I have to make a decision - stay or leave. I feel lost, all alone, sad and depressed. I am not usually this undecided, but this is a very important matter. In order to solicit the best advice possible from my friends and sisters out-there, I am going to open up as much as I can (this is a first).
There goes my story:
Childhood – Age 0 to 20 – I grew-up in the Middle East. It's true I played with my mother's shoes and clothes as a child. But I had sisters and no brothers to compare myself to, so I wasn’t sure what was normal and what was not. I played with the neighbor's boys every now and then. I was always exposed to females at home. I was especially pampered by my older sister (4 years older). She manicured me, gave me facials, etc… We did not shy from one another when naked, as if were in front of another girl. For the record, she did not try anything sexual with me (one can never tell the other person’s mind, though; but there are times when I wondered if she had any ideas but did not act on them – me, I was clueless). I go along with girls at schools, so I hung out with many of them rather than with the boys. I believe I had to be a pretty boy because I used to notice men often hitting on me, and some would proposition. I crossed the line few times, and eventually, I gave into a married guy in his late 20’s, with which I had more than encounter. This situation lasted about two years. I am not sure what it was that attracted me to him. I used to get drawn to his smell (beyond the perfume – his body; pheromone maybe?). All the while, I was also dating girls, but the attention he gave me, kept me coming back for more. He treated me better than his own wife. He bought me gifts. He took me with him to Europe on a business trip. I was approximately 16 or 17, when I broke it off. We remained friends, but this whole affair haunted me. By the time I was 20 or so, I became resentful toward men. When I shake a man's hand who tries hugging me, even to this day, I get uncomfortable (I am very comfortable hugging, touching, and kissing women).
Manhood - I got the opportunity to come to the USA to finish school. This seems like a big break for me. I felt like I needed to escape from that environment and these deviant experiences that were haunting me. I wasn’t sure if there were anything wrong with me or what. I felt that in the USA, being a not-so-manly man is more acceptable than back on the “old country”. I could start a new life. In college, I made male friends, dated girls, and lived what is perceived to be a normal man’s life. I frequented the gym, and worked on bulking up. Graduated, started a career, and I married at 25, and started a family – had three beautiful kids. I was living a 100% hetero manly life. I must have been able to block all of my past very well.
Then, a little over 10 years ago (I am 50 now), I became self-employed, which allowed me the luxury to work at home. During breaks, out of curiosity, I started checking out my wife's clothes. The, one Halloween night, I decided to go out cross-dressed, while away from home. I bought my first outfit – denim mini skirt, pink sweater, wig, 4-inch boots, etc... That was my first time ever in public. Being Halloween, it made it easy to get away with it. With the help of a bi acquaintance, I got dolled-up using her make-up, and she accompanied on our night out. She took me to a TG friendly bar. I have to say, between the newly-discovered feeling of the breeze up my skirt, and the compliments and advances I received from men and women, that night in the bar and while we walked around, I got hooked on the "whole idea". I thoroughly enjoyed myself, and it’s downhill from here.
From that point on, I became more in-tune with women's mannerisms to improve mine. I started practicing walking, sitting, etc… I became more interested in fashion magazines, and began to build-up my wardrobe, which I used to hide at a storage facility, in order to be able to access on my way out of town, which I did often for work. When I’d try to analyze what I was doing, I’d think I was one of very few people who are simply sick and screwed-up for having such twisted behavior. Every now and then, I'd purge. Before long, the urges would come back stronger. Eventually, dressing up became more and more frequent, and became more receptive to men hitting on me and wanting me, and I liked that (a few times I’d surrender to their arms, only to cry my eyeballs out after they would leave the hotel room, for what I was doing was wrong). As things were progressing in the deepest of my soul and being, my head kept telling me to be strong, and that I could fight these urges off. I am a man with a beautiful loving wife in a healthy marriage with great kids; I shouldn’t mess-up everyone else’s life because my screwed up behaviors. They didn’t do anything to deserve to get hurt. These are my demons, and they are mine to deal with, on my own. But I was easier said than done. Instead to giving it all up, I started shaving my legs, chest, and underarms, even plucking my eyebrows. I was such great feeling to be girl. Never felt better. My wife, although complained about my prickly legs at times, didn't mind since I had told her my leg hair was bothering me on long drives. Then, a few years ago, I joined this Forum, and started to learn more about myself and others like me. Finally, about two years ago, I came out to her. At first, I thought she had accepted it. She acted interested and asked me all kind of personal questions. I only told her about liking to cross-dress, but never volunteered information about any male contact I have had. I know it would crush her.
Soon after, she came to me with a clear choice - either the marriage or cross-dressing. At that time, I was really enjoying being Tonya, and going out regularly, still behind her back, I was weighing my options, and was actually leaning toward leaving the marriage and start enjoying being Tonya, and maybe eventually transitioning. In the beginning, I had thought it may have been some strange fetish. The more I was in femme mode, the more I felt the femme inside me screaming to come out. It slowly became clear that it wasn’t sexually driven; rather an identity conflict. That’s where things get complicated.
While my wife and I were discussing my “condition”, she asked that I get my T-level checked. We did, and it was low. In the meantime, I had been working out in order to cast out these demons inside of me. Her conclusion was that the supplements I was taking were messing up my sexual drive and desire, and therefore, I should stop all of it, and stick to the T injections prescribed. I gladly obliged. She also demanded I stop shaving. As if this was not complicated enough, within less than a month, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. At that point, any possible plans for Tonya had to stop. My wife is seriously ill, and I’ve got to take care of her, and I did. I just couldn't be selfish. She constantly thanks me for being there for her, and admits she couldn’t have gone through it without me. She's better now, though, (with nice bigger ones).
She does not know the extent of my deep inner-female feelings, and I don’t think I can ever tell her. She recently caught me off-guard (her style) and asked me about my desire to dress up. I wasn’t ready for it, so I denied it. I then followed up saying “but what if the urges come back, our marriage is very strong, I would think you will reluctantly tolerate it”. She immediately replied "I can't stop you if you want to do it. You can; but I will not stick around. I married a man". I know she meant it.
I am not sure what to do. I know for a fact that if I stay in the marriage, I have to suppress my inner-self and be miserable for the sake of her and the kids, whom I love more than anything. The other option is to go my own way, and once on my own, be free to be who I think I was meant to be. I don’t believe opening up to about Tonya will help, either way.
Sorry for the lengthy story. I just don’t have anyone but you to talk to about it.
I love you all. Thanks
Tonya
Ten Years Living 24/7 as a Mature Lady
Originally Posted by kimdl93
