Help me to understand my CD husband please. (LONG post)

[WIFE GG/SO]

I've been married to a wonderful, kind, caring, hardworking, supportive and crossdressing man for almost 20 years now. We are in our early 50's. I love him so very much. We have two adult children and four grandchildren. We have built a good life together.

He told me about the crossdressing before he married me. He was completely honest. He felt it had ruined his first two marriages and didn't want to ruin a third marriage. He agreed to certain "rules" and so did I. He has broken these rules occassionally throughout the marriage.

Mostly my rules are that NOBODY in our small town finds out. It is a small town and very conservative. A few times in our marriage I have found out that he went shopping for clothes at Walmart or Payless shoes in town, and that has been a point of contention between us. I don't want him to get caught. He has since agreed to only shop while out of town or online. As far as I know he is abiding by this promise.

His crossdressing has increased lately. Now he shaves his legs and armpits and wears women's underwear and pantyhose under his clothes for work. He does not wear a bra. I have agreed to this...just praying he doesn't get into an accident or something to be found out. (plus, I of course don't want him to have an accident for his health either!)

I am so very, very afraid that this is just getting bigger and bigger. He said that he is more content than he's ever been, that just dressing in women's underwear relieves the "urges" a lot. I'm afraid that it is making them worse. I dread the day that I find out he has been crossdressing in public. I cannot silence these fears.

One other problem...every since he started shaving his legs and armpits I've found that I cannot seem to participate sexually with him. It is a turn off for me. I've tried to talk myself out of feeling this way, but those smooth legs and arms just bother me sexually. I am attracted to manly men, and this is so feminine. I don't like it.

My question...what do I do? I find it difficult to tell him that he can't shave and paint his toenails and wear women's underclothes after I've given him my agreement to these things. It wouldn't be fair.

And the big question...I've read the answer but need to hear it again. He says he in NO WAY wants to become a woman...but I'm so scared. I'm scared he's going to tell me some morning that he wants to become a woman. Is it possible that just dressing as he is will be enough for him? I can't bring myself to go shopping with him or to see him fully dressed. I just know it would be bad for me to see. So I never have. Is that wrong of me?

I feel like such a bad wife. Like I'm not accepting him for who he is...but I just can't seem to give more ground where this is concerned. He says he's very happy with the way things stand. Will it stay this way or will he want to increase the cross dressing?

Sorry that I've rambled on so much, but I have so many fears and worries.

Thanks for any response.

Di

[Kaz]

Hey... calm down... you are in a safe place...

I am so glad you landed here because this is probably the best landing spot for you... we are a great community

On the immediate post...I am totally shaven except for my head, which ironically does not have a lot of hair... I like it! It feels great...

I am a crossdresser... am I not gay.. no, actually quite the opposite..

I am married and have three great daughters who have all left home and are now my friends and I have 1 granddaughter..

Welcome to the forum...

[Alice B]

It is a very difficult thing to answer your questions because I for one know nothing about your relationship, other than what you write. In my marriage, once I realized that I wanted and like to cross dress I immediately told my wife. We also reached agreements about when and how, with her major concern being the same as yours. Over the years I have advanced my participation by also shaving my entire body and having painted toe nails. But I'm very careful about not exposing myself to anyone, other than those that know, which is our entire extended family, Only because they are all very open minded and I do not dress in front of them. But, to your major point. I have no desire to become a woman, but truly enjoy wearing nothing but woman's underwear, nighties to bed, etc. I would guess that your husband is the same. He is just testing the waters as far as he can and will arrive at some sort of balance. This may be his mid-life crisis. As to your sexual encounters I can only say that for him it would be a major turn on to have you caress his shaved body parts, but thast would be a major adjustment for your mental well being. Maybe some serious discussion with him and possible joint counciling might help. I doubt that he will want to step back to not shaving at this point. Once you start shaving it is very difficult to quit because of the pleasure derived from it. Good luck.

[Stephanie47]

You may want to ask him what finally caused the failure of his first two marriages. I can see where the ground rules that were established have been slowly chipped away. It seems if you give him an inch, he takes a mile. I can see that you are thinking, "OK, if I give him some more latitude, that's will satisfy him." Frankly, I personally do not think a successful marriage can exist, if one party keeps pushing his or her own agenda at the peril of the other. As a cross dresser married to an non accepting wife, I would not wave my panties in her face. You are justified in asking to revisit your acquiescence on the issues because you realize it is NOT working for YOU.

PS: Don't wait until his retirement to address these issues!

[Meghan]

Please don't view this is a negative reply...because it's not meant to me either mean or negative. People and couples outgrow agreements. It sounds like you need to talk more and worry less about hurting feelings and just talk to him.

What is the outcome you're seeking? Is it for him to agree to suppress these desires and go back to being a manly man? Are you looking for ways to be attracted to the changed him, or something in between those two extremes? Or, are you looking for a magic pill to make this all disappear?

I hope your goal is to understand what's happening from his point of view, and for him to understand and appreciate your point of view. If you are going to stay together as a team, you have to be able to trust each other and re-calibrate your relationship in ways you both can live with. Trust me, if one of you is unhappy the other will be too.

Good luck and I hope you find the clarity you are looking for.

Meghan

[goodnhose]

Hi! Just wanted to say I feel for you. I'm single so i'm fortunate that I have no real boundaries when it comes to my dressing. I know you have a lot of fear concerning your husbands dressing but one thing that strikes me is the recent sexual issue with his shaving. Tell him how it hurts you and is causing you anxiety that he's shaving. Maybe you can get him to agree to stop shaving and switch from pantyhose to tights this would give him the feel he likes, cover his leg hair and give you some of his masculinity back.

[WIFE GG/SO]

Thanks for your responses.

Am I looking for the magic pill to stop all this...yes, yes I'd LOVE that. There, I said it. But that doesn't mean that I don't love my husband and that doesn't mean that I haven't accepted this part of him. I have accepted as much as I can. I push my limits with this all the time. Sometimes I get angry (although I don't say anything to him) because it seems like I am the only one that is giving in.

I go to therapy because I suffer from severe depression. My therapist has educated me that this is not something he can just shut off. But she encourages me to negotiate rules. I have tried to do so, but he has broken the agreements that we have made. Now I find that I don't trust him. I still love him to pieces, but no trust is an issue.

Let me be clear, I DO NOT want a divorce. Even if he was found walking downtown fully dressed tomorrow and the whole town knew, I wouldn't leave him. I know that love like ours is rare, and it IS real. I'm not saying it wouldn't be damn hard to cope, but somehow, I would.

I just need to know...would many of you go back to not shaving after doing it for months? One of you posted that it would be difficult for him to stop now. That scares me. It's like this thing is alive...can't it be controlled?

THAT is indeed my question...are most of you able to control these urges? CAN you limit the activity, or is it out of your hands.

I equate it to smoking. I used to smoke for 20 years. My husband HATED, HATED, HATED the fact that I smoked. I finally agreed to quit. It was so hard to quit, and even now, 15 years later I still want a cigarette at times. Sometimes I REALLY want a cigarette, but I don't do it. I know CD'ing is probably not equal to smoking, but in a way it seems the same.

I'm just trying to be a good, supportive wife. But my therapist says I have to think of myself at times also. I have always found it difficult to do this. I believe I should be (and AM) thankful to have such a supportive, loving man. But still...things scare me. I guess I'm not making a whole lot of sense here. I thank you for reading this.

Di

[ReineD]

Hi WIFE and welcome. And no, you are not a bad wife.

I'm a genetic woman as well, and one of the hardest things to deal with is the ever changing landscape of our partners' cross-gender needs. It's not a stretch to wonder, if they keep raising the bar will they ever reach a point where they are satisfied with where they're at or does the CDing necessarily progress to the point where they will want to live full time. Like it or not, when a male crossdresses, the message is that he prefers a feminine expression to being a male.

Anyway, I'm here to tell you that there is an end point providing your husband is a crossdresser and not transsexual, which he says he isn't and I would believe him. However, the end goal for most crossdressers is to do more than just put on the clothes to stay at home. They (most) want to experience what it is like to be seen and treated as a woman by others, IF they feel they can get away with it. Your husband has already reached this point and since he feels he cannot go out in public, he is ramping it up in other areas as a form of relief.

One solution might be for your husband to dress in the next town over or if this is not possible, to join a gender support group in a nearby city and attend the meetings on a regular basis, even if it means an overnight trip. This is what my SO did for years. I have to say that this does entail body shaving, since no CDer wants tell-tale male signs when he is out in public. If you are not attracted to your husband's bare legs and arms, the only solution is for your husband to just shave once per month in anticipation of an outing, and let it grow back the rest of the time.

This may not be the ideal for either one of you, but it might be a viable compromise for now.

[Gillian Gigs]

A marriage is an ever evolving relationship, so it only stands to reason that agreements and compromises will need to be updated or changed from time to time. My wife has been very generious with my "quirks", and I greatly appreciate it. We talk about just about everything all of the time so things never really get to far out of wack. What can I say other than I like to dress with "style", womens lingerie and skirts are my "style". Open communication is important, whether it is to reassure you, or him. It doesn't matter if you see him dressed or not, the point is love and acceptance. I understand the part about being in a small town, tongues will wag whether you give them something or not. Live could be easier if you both went to another town and shopped together, no one will think twice about the two of you shopping. It is one way to ease yourself into some talking about this part of his life. As men get older, unfortunately they get more hair. If he is like me, I would be happy with hair on the top of my head, and nowhere else. So what is really the big deal, a possible compromise is for him to shave some parts and trim other spots. Sit down and talk, that is the best way to remove the fears and worries.

[Jenniferathome]

Hi Di, let me reiterate Reine's comment: you are NOT a bad wife. Quite the opposite. Your tolerance of his cross dressing is nothing short of fantastic.

Regarding the "does he want to be a woman" comment, if he is like the typical cross dresser, the answer is no. I am a cross dresser. I am a straight, married father of three. I'm "normal" (that still kills me!). I happen to shave my legs (started with biking but I liked it as well). My wife, like you, prefers harry legs. I have seen this same comment in many threads. I always found that odd than a woman would care about leg hair. Humans are funny. I never liked my body hair.

Maybe it's more your fear of his possible "transition" that is causing the sexual distance for you. Please, talk to him about this subject. You have had a great life together, don't stop now. If it bothers you, tell him. Tell him why. Ask about his interest in a transition. He'll be shocked that you ask him this by the way. Every normal cross dresser would. But everything is fair game in a relationship.

[marcy77]

You are a good wife. A bad one wouldn't have accepted it at all. If this has ruined his 2 previous marriages 20 years ago, he's been doing this a long time and he's not going to change now. I've been with my wife for 6 years now and I was honest with her as well from the begining. She actually loves my shaved body and finds it to be a great turn on. Maybe it would be easier to understand crossdressing as a hobby rather than a lifestyle. Everyone has hobbies, and everyone decides on their own how far into their hobby they want to go. I know a guy who loves football and takes the time to memorize where every quarterback in the NFL went to college. And I also know a guy who loves football that ONLY watches the Dallas Cowboys play and nothing else. How far they are into their hobby and where they will go in the future no one can know for sure, not even him. Time heals all wounds and maybe you can get used to the idea of him being more feminine than you would like. You've stuck around for 20 years, there's got to be more to him than what he likes to wear. I believe that he genuinely enjoys dressing up and if he feels that he can't do it around you then he will feel compelled to do it away from you, and if he want's to do it more often he will eventually start to look for reasons to be apart from you more often. That could be a very bad thing.

[Meghan]

It's like this thing is alive...can't it be controlled?

THAT is indeed my question...are most of you able to control these urges? CAN you limit the activity, or is it out of your hands.

I equate it to smoking. I used to smoke for 20 years. My husband HATED, HATED, HATED the fact that I smoked. I finally agreed to quit. It was so hard to quit, and even now, 15 years later I still want a cigarette at times. Sometimes I REALLY want a cigarette, but I don't do it. I know CD'ing is probably not equal to smoking, but in a way it seems the same.

I'm just trying to be a good, supportive wife. But my therapist says I have to think of myself at times also. I have always found it difficult to do this. I believe I should be (and AM) thankful to have such a supportive, loving man. But still...things scare me. I guess I'm not making a whole lot of sense here. I thank you for reading this.

Di

Your smoking analogy is probably not too far from home. I am sure, for a lot of people, there's a huge dopamine release when they dress, not unlike the reward system when it gets rewired by nicotine. My wife also smoked for years, I begged her to quit, and she relented almost a year to the day.

The problem is exactly the opposite, though. Suppressing this "thing" is unhealthy. It leads to depression and suicide for some, unrealized lives for others, and some can manage it without too much trouble. Everyone is different, but my experience is exactly what you're worried about, unfortunately...the female side of me is indeed "alive" and if I could wish it away, I would have done so long ago.

But, letting it out has it's benefits. I am increasingly organized, more social and a generally better person to be around because I am not constantly frustrated with the world. I would never go back to hairy anything. I am not sure I could even if I wanted to..."it" picked me. I spend lots of time thinking about "it" too. "It" is a blessing and a curse, but we treat it as a blessing because who wants to live a cursed existence?

You do need to put yourself first. I am sure there are many positive ways he helps you, too.

Good luck, Di, and thank you for reaching out to the community, and if you do find the magic pill, get a patent and a copyright and start your own business. You'll make a fortune.

Meghan

[Miriam-J]

It's wonderful that you've been supportive through the years, despite a few incidents and habits that can certainly be disturbing.

I'd like to take a different tack from most of the responses you've received. If you and your husband really care for one another, as certainly appears to be the case, there's plenty of room for compromise in his crossdressing. It's quite reasonable to limit certain aspects of his crossdressing so that he's still attractive to you, if you can identify the triggers that matter to you. Please don't be afraid to raise the subject of boundaries needed by each of you to keep the spark alive in your relationship.

My wife and I have had this discussion numerous times through our four years together (I told her early on in our relationship). Along the way she related to me that one of the key aspects for her is retention of my chest hair (loves to run her fingers through), so I've adapted my clothing styles accordingly - high collars and long sleeves (since bare arms look odd when one has chest hair). In turn, she's accepted that I'll shave a little lower on my neck so it can be covered up, I occasionally shave my hands, and I love to paint my toenails. I don't shave my legs either, but that's as much my own preference as hers.

So, what are the triggers that cause you to be attracted or not attracted to the guy side of your husband? Could these aspects be reasonably retained while still allowing him to dress nicely? One nice thing about being in our 50s is that age appropriate clothing tends to be fairly conservative anyway, so he should be able to accommodate your 'guy cues' reasonably well.

When we enter into a long-term relationship, and especially a marriage, we agree to do the things that help our partner to love, honor, and care for us in all ways. I'm sure your husband will have some give on these matters if you just talk about it. And you can make it even more enjoyable and intimite by joining in with him on a shopping trip for the feminine clothing that accommodates your needs.

Best of luck. Feel free to send me a private message if you'd like to discuss privately.

Miriam

[TGMarla]

Hi Wife. I love your choice of screen names. It's perfect.

In many ways, with what little I know of you, you remind me much of my own wife. I could only hope that she feels the same about me as you do to your husband. I love and cherish her, and I'm sure your hubby feels the same for you. I've always said that crossdressing is a lousy reason for a perfectly good marriage to end. I don't want my marriage to end, and I know my wife doesn't either. That's a good foundation. Yours is probably the same.

I think it's safe to say that he does not feel the same alarm about all of this that you do. People tend to make hay while the sun shines. It's impossible for me to say just where my own boundaries might wind up if and when my own barriers lift. I can say that I'd probably stretch those boundaries a bit myself if given the chance. Take the shaving, for instance. It bothers you. My wife has said, same as you, that she is very attracted to rugged "manly" men. Now, I'm not exactly wimpy, but I still don't see how she landed on me if that was her goal. In any case, given the chance, I would shave my legs more than I do now. I don't shave my arms, but I've shaved my hands from time to time. I haven't brought myself to shave my arms or my armpits, but I admit, going sleeveless or 3/4 sleeve now and then would be nice.

But even if I were to do all those things, it wouldn't mean that I'd want to transition. I'm committed to being my wife's husband. You're correct in that there is a bit of a slippery slope for some of us that leads to such things, but few of us ever get seriously down that road. Some do, and some do it later in life. But for most of us, it is not a road that we take.

I can't advise you on the under-dressing. I don't bother with under-dressing, and I have a bit of a rough time understanding it myself. But a lot of us do, and I doubt that under-dressing is something that you should be all that alarmed about.

To your question of whether this thing is alive or could be controlled - yes, it's very much alive, and for many, it wants not only to survive, but to thrive. It does take on a bit of a life of its own. That's not necessarily a bad thing, provided that it is controlled to some extent. And yes, with some effort and common sense, it can be controlled.

I've never smoked, but I can readily admit to the addiction reference. I'm about to go cold turkey. My dear wife is now working at home. And as of yet, we don't have the level of understanding that you and your husband have attained. I can only be so hopeful that after our oncoming serious discussion, she still feels for me as you still do for your husband. Until then, I pretty much have to quit "smoking".

Best of luck to you. You're correct to be concerned, since you easily see that he's pushing his boundaries on you. If I were you, and my husband was acting this way, I'd feel a little put out, too. I don't mean to be a hypocrite, but I'd have a difficult time if my wife was a crossdresser. What I excuse in myself, I fault in others, I guess. Sigh. But you may not have as much of a problem as you fear that you do. He's probably going to be just fine. I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to see him dressed, either. It doesn't make you a bad wife. It just means that you want to always have an image of him as your husband, and that's not bad at all.

But he'd probably love it if you accepted it all as normal, as much of a stretch as that may sound.

And you are making perfect sense.

[Kate Simmons]

In no way are you a "bad wife" Hon. You are just a woman who loves her husband very much. Keep doing that and my guides tell me you will both be fine.

[Bree Wagner]

I'll just chime in with another voice to tell you that you certainly aren't a bad wife. I bet there aren't nearly enough times you can hear that. If you were, you sure wouldn't be here trying to cope for your husband's sake.

If you are not attracted to your husband's bare legs and arms, the only solution is for your husband to just shave once per month in anticipation of an outing, and let it grow back the rest of the time.

Reine, as always, made tons of great points but since this is one I follow I'll elaborate. My wife is quite tolerant of my shaving, but she did love 'pelty' as she called my chest hair. I don't much care for my body hair, but it's an awful lot of work to get rid of it so if there's nothing coming up where I'd need it to be gone I'll let it grow. It's just a little thing to do to meet in the middle.

I equate it to smoking. I used to smoke for 20 years. My husband HATED, HATED, HATED the fact that I smoked. I finally agreed to quit. It was so hard to quit, and even now, 15 years later I still want a cigarette at times. Sometimes I REALLY want a cigarette, but I don't do it. I know CD'ing is probably not equal to smoking, but in a way it seems the same.

I've never smoked, so I can't be sure, but this seems like a great analogy to the way crossdressing is for some of us. There is way to much variety to say this applies to most or all crossdressers. For me, if I absolutely HAD to give it up for some reason I really think I could. Would I like that? No way. Would the desire still be there? Absolutely.

I'm "normal" (that still kills me!). .

I'll second that too! With all the quirks of humanity that are out there, this is probably pretty mild and 'normal.' I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier when it's personal and you are the one dealing with it. My wife often remarks that she'd be completely cool with anyone else's crossdressing, be it her best friend, someone else in the family, or just about anyone. But... with me it's challenging because of the levels on which it affects her.

Anyways, good luck Wife. Kudos to you for reaching out and doing what you can to deal with it. Your love for your husband is very clear.

All the best,
Bree

[docrobbysherry]

Wife, the good news is;
If he cares as much about u as u do him, u 2 will make it work!

The BAD news is;
As he ages, his testosterone will continue dropping and his dressing may accelerate! I didn't start dressing until I was over 50. Before then, the idea of wearing women's things never entered my mind. U can see from my pics where it's led me!

Let me add, I'm not a compulsive person. Have tried all of the following and have controlled my use of: tobacco, drugs, alcohol, TV, food, and various other addictive things. However, not only am I not able to control my dressing impulses, they seem to be accelerating lately! (I'm in my 60's now).

[Ressie]

Sounds like it's time to renegotiate with more in your favor. If he wants to bend the rules and crossdress more, you should get something that you want in exchange. Maybe he should put $100 toward your vacation every time he shaves his legs. If he must wear pantyhose under his pants every day, maybe he should in exchange do the dishes and give you a massage. Come up with your own ideas in regards to renegotiation and come to a new agreement.

[Sophia Frances]

Just my two cents:
I wish I could tell my wife. I feel like there is another woman I am cheating on my wife with....and she is me. It depresses me often, but these feelings are ones I cannot repress if I wanted to. I have for so long and I have finally decided to let "some" come out, but there isn't a day that goes by where I don't live in fear of being "outed" and what she will think.

You should NEVER put yourself second, but if you would stay with him even if he walked through the town dressed...let him do that, but tell him to not to shave his legs. Seriously, he may need that outlet for now. Tell him to shave, but grow it back...keep it hairy for a month...then shave for a month.

Compromise

[Wildaboutheels]

Based on both your posts, much is clear. You have done an awful lot of bending over and over again. And he has broken the rules and violated your trust on more than one occassion. No wonder you are worried. It also does not help that you are in an adult/adult Relationship and not parent/child where consequences [for infractions] CAN be/could be enforced. I think adults are no different than children in this regard. When they are "caught" breaking the rules, IF there are no consequences, they are quite likely to repeat the infraction or become ever bolder...

Sounds you OKd the shaving, and now are trying to get the cork back in the bottle? That sounds like a losing battle to me and even IF you were to work out a compromise of some sort, he would be prickly for at least four or five days during periods when he did not shave. It sounds like the shaving part may be the straw that broke the camels back and now he has succumbed to the pink fog, hook, line and sinker.

Although EVERYone here including the GGs are all unique, there is a constant recurring theme that appears to fit "most" of the regular Forum participants... which is FEW know where they are going and/or where they will end up and many are surprised how far they have come in their dressing. It's also a recurring theme here that ALL CDers will "evolve" and always want more which is simply NOT true but I think most will especially the ones with a "body style" that enables them to at least come close to "passing" [as a female] which seems to be #1 on the priority list for the vast majority here.

So, no one here can possibly accurately predict just how much will be enough for your husband and thus, when and/or if he will become willing to stick to any established boundaries.

You are NOT a bad wife just because you find his smooth body a sexual turnoff as much as you wish it were not. It's possible, given enough time, you could get over it. Unfortunatley, Love does not conquer all, contrary to the opinion of many here, and we all have things that simply rub us the wrong way.

The bright spot in all this is that you clearly Love him and still acknowledge that he is a good man and are willing to do most anything to preserve the marriage. I hope he is sharp enough to wake up and realize that HE needs to do some bending and make some concessions.

[kimdl93]

I understand your apprehension. There are a few CDrs who come to the point or realization that they want to greatly expand their dressing or in the rarest cases live as women. But please understand that such instances are exceedingly rare. You need to conquer your fears and take your husband at face value. After all these years he is probably in a comfortable mode.

As for the attraction to body hair, well maybe there's some appeal to smooth skin too...once you get over the assumption that hair is 'manly'.

[oh hey its anya]

Hi Di--

I want to add a couple of points that haven't been hit on.

1. is HE utilizing therapy? Is he receiving support? You are fantastically supportive, and a marriage is of course the negotiation of life together, but the 'burden of proof' is ultimately on him to understand his crossdressing and to integrate it into his life in a way that works best for both of you. Perhaps there is some underlying issue that he is not quite aware of himself.

2. I am not seeing where he is actually breaking rules yet, despite what some other people have said (except for going out to local stores...but that seemed to be resolved).

"Now he shaves his legs and armpits and wears women's underwear and pantyhose under his clothes for work...I have agreed to this..."

I'm not saying this as a way to put you on the spot, but rather that this might need some unpacking--did you consent to this while you still had reservations? Or did you have a change of heart? Whatever that might be, it might be worth it to talk about it with him and explain your thought process, especially if you want him to scale back. But at the same time, he could possibly feel hurt by that as well.

3. Don't let fear paralyze you! Which is hard, I know. But you have some fears about what he MIGHT do that seem to be overwhelming you. The fears of getting 'caught' are speculative at this point. I really think that if the 'going out' issue is solidified, that seems to be a major (maybe THE major) relief of stress for you. And I think people have been pretty helpful already in describing why you should trust him when he says he doesn't want to become a woman. You are very self-aware though; and that is more than half the battle.

I hope this helps. If nothing else, I'm sure he could find help on these forums. I wish you nothing but the best.

[Jacky Aikou]

Hi WIFE (that ID gave me a good chuckle!),

I read through the thread and just thought I too would chime in to say that of course you're not a bad wife! A bad wife would be giving ultimatums while you are here trying to gain insight so you can understand your husband better and hopefully find a happy medium. And good for you for doing so!

Like your husband, I confessed about CD'ing to my wife while we were still dating. And my wife, like you, is tolerant if not totally accepting of the situation. She too prefers a hairy man! We both work, we're both in our thirties, raising a very active 20 month-old daughter. I guess at this stage of life there is so much going on, it is often quite easy to suppress the feminine part of my identity and I'll go 8 months with nary a girly thought. But then WHAMMO! fall arrives and the urge -- to shave and dress and go out and just allow myself some brief existence in public as Jacquelyn -- comes roaring back. Sometimes during these rebounds I realize I may be pushing the established boundaries and perhaps overindulging a bit. Usually it's my wife who points it out to me! She knows I can get carried away and gently but firmly reels me back in. While I may grumble a bit inside, I know our love and home is worth it and comply.
And any husband (CDer or not) knows that happy wife = happy husband. ^_^

So, WIFE, in response to your question I would say that yes, at least some of us have the ability to control the urge to CD. It probably is nearly as addictive as smoking, but -- sigh -- we have to prioritize and be rational, too. When I am pushing the limits, I am keenly aware of it and yes, feel guilty for doing so. It's usually not long after that my wife puts the smack-down on me. I think above all (just to repeat what many others here always say), you need to communicate with your husband, share your concerns and in turn, listen to his. There has to be room to compromise so that you can both reach a reasonable comfort level. And I hope you can speak up and fix things before it affects your intimacy. I practice Reine's wise idea about shaving only when needed for a monthly outing, etc. Outside of those, I just trim so that my wife isn't too bothered.

The question of whether CDing ultimately ends in transitioning and living full-time as a woman is not so clear-cut. The activity, our motivations, and intent are highly personal and different for each of us. If you fear that you will lose your husband to his escalating CD habit, though, you need to ask him about it and confirm his intentions. He may not even be aware he is stressing you out so much.

So after you've had your fill of all our stories and advice, why not go have a good heart-to-heart talk with your husband and see what he thinks.
I do hope things work out well for you. Best of luck to you both!

[giuseppina]

... He has broken these rules occassionally throughout the marriage.

Have a look in the Loved Ones section on the sticky thread Lies ... ( I don't remember the rest of the title). Chances are this figured in his previous marriages.

Mostly my rules are that NOBODY in our small town finds out. It is a small town and very conservative. A few times in our marriage I have found out that he went shopping for clothes at Walmart or Payless shoes in town, and that has been a point of contention between us. I don't want him to get caught. He has since agreed to only shop while out of town or online. As far as I know he is abiding by this promise.

Understandable, and something I practise myself. I don't want to be found out, either.

His crossdressing has increased lately. Now he shaves his legs and armpits and wears women's underwear and pantyhose under his clothes for work. He does not wear a bra. I have agreed to this...just praying he doesn't get into an accident or something to be found out. (plus, I of course don't want him to have an accident for his health either!)

A shaved body and the anxiety it generates is a common topic of discussion on this board and likely others. Most people don't notice, and of those who do, few act on their observations.

I wouldn't worry about accidents. You don't have anything about your location on your profile (sorry about snooping) so I can't say anything specific. In North America, privacy regulations prevent health care practitioners (including ambulance staff) from discussing this sort of thing. If he does get himself hurt, your DH is nowhere near the first patient to be transported to hospital in gender inappropriate clothing. Emergency personnel have seen this before.

I am so very, very afraid that this is just getting bigger and bigger. He said that he is more content than he's ever been, that just dressing in women's underwear relieves the "urges" a lot. I'm afraid that it is making them worse. I dread the day that I find out he has been crossdressing in public. I cannot silence these fears.

This is a topic of discussion for you and your DH. If you feel that you need your therapist present for support, do it while at an appointment with him/her. Chances are very small, less than one percent, that he will go for surgery. I know this doesn't help if he is one of the one percent, but less than one in one hundred crossdressers are transsexual. It's about escapism for me. Totally unrealistic, but it works for me.

One other problem...every since he started shaving his legs and armpits I've found that I cannot seem to participate sexually with him. It is a turn off for me. I've tried to talk myself out of feeling this way, but those smooth legs and arms just bother me sexually. I am attracted to manly men, and this is so feminine. I don't like it.

My question...what do I do? I find it difficult to tell him that he can't shave and paint his toenails and wear women's underclothes after I've given him my agreement to these things. It wouldn't be fair.

Well, you can tell him it isn't working for you. After all, you're entitled to change your mind. And, no, I'm most certainly not trying to stereotype you or anything like it.

And the big question...I've read the answer but need to hear it again. He says he in NO WAY wants to become a woman...but I'm so scared. I'm scared he's going to tell me some morning that he wants to become a woman. Is it possible that just dressing as he is will be enough for him? I can't bring myself to go shopping with him or to see him fully dressed. I just know it would be bad for me to see. So I never have. Is that wrong of me?

Well, you can ask that he be evaluated by an expert in gender identity disorder and have him provide a written report to you. In Canada, this is generally done by a psychiatrist with experience in this area. If he says he doesn't want to become a woman, that almost certainly disqualifies him from both hormones and surgery. It doesn't stop him from obtaining external prosthetic breasts and posterior, though.

I feel like such a bad wife. ...

In the absence of information to the contrary, that is pure, unadulterated bullfeathers. You are doing your best to cope with a situation most people have never encountered and are not likely to in their lifetime. Perhaps it is fair to say that it's the stigmatisation of crossdressing and the boundary stretching you find most difficult.

I see in a post below your OP you are having difficulty with depression. That is something we have in common. It appears DH is not treating you with the utmost of respect; mine is primarily about the effects of bullying. One of the effects of depression is fear magnification.

It is time, if he hasn't been already, that you and your husband go to your therapist and have a discussion about what is going on with you. From the sound of things, he needs the Riot Act read to him about the crossdressing. There are two people in your marriage. I don't think the solution is for him to stop dressing, but there has to be a balance that, based on what you wrote, I have difficulty seeing. Your DH appears to be envelopped in what we call the Pink Fog - uncontrolled dressing/feminisation once initial acceptance is given without regard to what the significant other (you) is feeling.

Your smoking analogy is a good one. The main difference for you is there are well-documented and significant health implications of smoking. There is no such health implications for crossdresser outside of someone harming him because he is a crossdresser. It's very rare, but there are hotheads that would do this in every major city in the world, and these are generally found in the seedier areas of town.

And one last point, if it hasn't been made already: For you, get your qualifying 10 posts in for admission to the private genetic ladies forum. I'm sure the members there will be glad to provide support. From what I hear (hearsay) there are both accepting and unaccepting members. For DH, ask him to open an account here as you have. I'm sure the members will read the Riot Act to him if we see fit. From what I see in this thread, I think this is appropriate.

[sweetgal]

I wish my wife cared enough about my cd'ing to find a site like this and reach out to others. I'm jealous.