Help me to understand my CD husband please. (LONG post)

[AnneB1nderful]

Hello WIFE.

My wife is the only person I've ever been with. The only person I've ever loved. I thought that love was strong enough. Love does conquer all. But love can't work thru bitterness and hatred. I'm not saying you are bitter or hate your husband. But, it's obvious you HATE him wanting to be feminine. It loathes you. I understand. I acted similarly as your husband. My wife expected to be married to a "man" for better or for worse. In sickness and in health. She said, I'm no longer married to a man, so I don't need to hold to that vow. What's weird to me, is that she was drawn to TV programs and other men that acted, dressed feminine. But, she HATED it in me. She said, "If I stay with you, I might as well be a lesbian." She grew so bitter toward my actions, that love faded and eventually she lost all respect for me. Even though I've tried everything looking for a magic pill, therapy, religion, and I was preparing for hypnotherapy. My wife couldn't wait any longer. She found someone else and left 16 months ago. At that time I swore I would never CD again. I believed my wife leaving after 27 years to another man's arms was the last straw. Even if she were to never come back, I'm done. And for 15 months, I was sure I'd never CD again. Well, look where I am. I fought this for over 40 years. I'm done fighting myself. I'm totally heterosexual. Only attracted to women. However, I really, really feel good about dressing and acting feminine. I can't explain. It brings fulfillment. Here are other things that bring fulfillment: My wife did, my children do, my grandchildren do, etc. But, CDing is something internal. All those are external. To this day, I still love my wife. I really have no desire to be with anyone else. But reality is, she can't handle what I do.

My humble suggestion is to try not to HATE this crossdressing thing. I know you're trying. That's why you're here. But, your husband probably will not be able to stop crossdressing. If you can't stop HATING it, then, I'm sorry to say, your marriage will probably end where mine did.

I sincerely pray you both can talk openly and work this out. Perhaps even use a therapist or counselor as a mediator to keep emotions from getting out of hand during discussions.

[MonctonGirl]

All the body builders remove all their body hair too. They are supposed to me "manly" men.
So maybe looking at it that way would help.

Better than hair growing outta his ears, right? lol

[Diversity]

Hi Di,
It is good that you have voiced your feelings with this forum. I think you are wonderful for being so accepting of your husband, and in the very way you write, it reflects how much you love him. Based on this, I would like to suggest that you both discuss the 'rules' you both agreed to in the past. Listen to one another and after listening, perhaps you will find that the boundaries need to be modified (in one direction or the other), after you both have expressed your points of view and feelings. Sounds to me that your previous discussions worked so far, so open and honest communications may be just the thing you both need to do again.
Successful marriages are built upon such communications, as I am sure you are already aware. I wish I could be more helpful. Good luck!
Di

[AnneB1nderful]

My humble suggestion is to try not to HATE this crossdressing thing. I know you're trying. That's why you're here. But, your husband probably will not be able to stop crossdressing. If you can't stop HATING it, then, I'm sorry to say, your marriage will probably end where mine did.

Something I forgot to mention. I tried to HATE crossdressing. I really gave it my best effort. It ruined my marriage. But, maybe it's not as bad as WE make it out to be. Let's say I have a mole on the side of my nose (well I actually do). So, I hate it so much, I cut it off. It grows back bigger. I cut it off again. It grows back even bigger. Now, I ask others, they say it looks like a beautiful birth mark. I still HATE it and cut it off again. And it grows back bigger. No matter how many times I try to HATE it and cut it off, it keeps coming back bigger and more noticeable. My genetic code put it there. So, why not accept it and allow it to be that beauty mark as others see it? Can you try to accept your husband's crossdressing as a beauty mark or will you always see it as a big ugly mole?

[Jana]

Dear Di, welcome to the forum. Here are my comments:

And the big question...I've read the answer but need to hear it again. He says he in NO WAY wants to become a woman...but I'm so scared. I'm scared he's going to tell me some morning that he wants to become a woman. Is it possible that just dressing as he is will be enough for him?

This is probably not what you want to hear, but both scenarios are possible.

I can't bring myself to go shopping with him or to see him fully dressed. I just know it would be bad for me to see. So I never have. Is that wrong of me?

I don't think so. You support it, but choose not to participate. There's nothing wrong with that. It's healthy to respect your limits. My wife knows, and does not participate. In fact, I don't think I'd be even comfortable being dressed in front of her.

I feel like such a bad wife. Like I'm not accepting him for who he is...but I just can't seem to give more ground where this is concerned. He says he's very happy with the way things stand. Will it stay this way or will he want to increase the cross dressing?

Again, hard to say. This is very personal. Sometimes the feelings of gender dysphoria may increase with time. Maybe this is something he always wanted, but felt he couldn't have until now. Maybe not. I prefer not to speculate any further. It's important that you talk to your husband in an open and honest fashion, and do it frequently. State your expectations, listen to his. See where you guys stand.

[Jessica86]

I've been married to a wonderful, kind, caring, hardworking, supportive and crossdressing man for almost 20 years now. We are in our early 50's. I love him so very much. We have two adult children and four grandchildren. We have built a good life together.

The only quote that matters here. Why 20 years....and all of a sudden....it's a problem? I'll be the first to spin this. You say he has changed...yet...he is "keeping the promises so far." Sounds like you are changing, now curious after 20 years of knowing.

I can see where the ground rules that were established have been slowly chipped away. It seems if you give him an inch, he takes a mile.

She said he followed after she approached.......(sigh)

So many times I see these kinds of posts. Yes, I'm a young guy, but have probably dressed longer than most 40 year olds. 21 years this year and I'm 26. The part I don't get again....is the 20 years. Why have you not been concerned in the past? I'm not taking sides, but when you say he has followed the promises he made....that kinda....sums it up. What is happening that changed you?

[Moxie]

As a wife struggling with her husband's dressing, I can readily say that I become LESS comfortable and more alarmed as time passes. This is not easing for me, and everyone here knows this from my endless questions, lol. (yes, it's DoorMat here )

Anyway, WIFE, I wanted to say hi and that I hope somewhere in this story you are thinking about how you feel. I know you say you'll NEVER leave your husband but why? Are you not worthy of fulfillment too? Your husband is happily chasing his bliss at any opportunity, so why not you? There is nothing wrong with wanting a manly man. I LOATHE the shaved look and my H has suffered the sexless consequences of this side of his 'hobby'. But to ask me to turn OFF my heterosexual desires for a man, hair and all, is like asking him to turn off his crossdressing. Neither is fair, even with compromise, because ultimately someone always feels unhappy.

I sadly have no answers for this side of things.

But, I'm doing my best to learn all I can about my H's dressing from this very helpful forum, and should I finally give up and decide that yes, my need for a masculine man, protector, husband and partner is stronger than my already pushed acceptance, then I WILL put myself first and move on so we can both be fulfilled. Because your needs are not shallow or irrevelant, WIFE, any more than his need to express a feminine side. Though, I'll admit the eternal romantic in me does adore the love and commitment you express for your husband and I really wish he had the ability to put this CD thing away and just be the man you desire. If only it were that simple

I am not much help, I know, but I will say PLEASE take care of you. You matter too!!

[WIFE GG/SO]

In no way are you a "bad wife" Hon. You are just a woman who loves her husband very much. Keep doing that and my guides tell me you will both be fine.

Kate, what do you mean your guides? Is that a CD reference that I don't understand? I'm confused.

Di

[Kate Simmons]

Kate, what do you mean your guides? Is that a CD reference that I don't understand? I'm confused.

Di

Hi Di, By guides, I mean my spiritual guides. Once I balanced my feelings, my spirituality became part and parcel of that. I realized that my CDing was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to understanding things. Anyway, I get communications and impressions regarding a great many things but I take it as a matter of fact thing these days and if something is important enough, pass it on to my friends.

[WIFE GG/SO]

Wow, I'm overwhelmed by all of the responses...thank you. Just to clarify a few things:

Yes we've been together for twenty years, and for most of that time, his crossdressing consisted of his dressing while I was out of the house. He didn't shave, he didn't wear woman's underwear and nylons underneath his every day wear. Now, just recently he started shaving and wearing the undies and nylons every day. Oh and he paints his toenails too. To me this seemed like an escalation of great proportions. We've talked about it, and he says that this moderate dressing is enough for him, and that he is satisfied and happy with things as they now are. I am afraid that is a temporary thing.

Oh if only we lived in a big city like Chicago or New York...than things would probably be easier for him to express himself.

I've thought about bringing him to my therapist to discuss things...but so far I think we are doing ok on our own. As long as he is always honest with me up front. I cannot stand the lies this sometimes creates. That is a hard pill to swallow.

I'm not worried at all about divorce. We all have things about the other that we don't like. I'm overweight, and I know he doesn't like that (neither do I), but he still loves me. I look at it as something like that...he CD's...I still love him for the wonderful man that he is.

This man has helped me and been with me through my cancer, through the deepest depression where I had to be hospitalized two times for suicidal thoughts. He loves me. He stands by me even though I'm not well. I would never, ever through that away.

I need to come to terms with his crossdressing. I need to accept him for who he is...but with some ground rules for his safety and our family's safety and reputation. I hope that isn't a bad desire on my part. I really don't want our friends and neighbors to know about his CD'ing.

I hope this clarifys some things, and thank you all so much for your posts. It helps a lot. I will look into getting my ten posts in order to join the wife's forum on here...thanks for that suggestion.

Di

[WIFE GG/SO]

Hi Di, By guides, I mean my spiritual guides. Once I balanced my feelings, my spirituality became part and parcel of that. I realized that my CDing was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to understanding things. Anyway, I get communications and impressions regarding a great many things but I take it as a matter of fact thing these days and if something is important enough, pass it on to my friends.

Oh this facinates me Kate. So they say we (hubby and I) will be ok? Any details? Sorry if I'm pushing, but I've never met anyone who had spiritual guides before.

Di

[Annette Todd]

From my perspective as a cd...

I don't understand how the expression of a feminie side is something that is bad. The man you married, Di and also to you Moxie, is a man and I would generalize to be more of a sensitive nature. I personally feel that many if not most "manly men" have no perspective, or care to have, of the more sensitive natures of women. Di, you said that your husband told you in the very beginning of his fem side. That should be a very telling fact because many crossdressers have a very hard time even beginning to bring up the subject, much less discuss it openly with their SO.

One question I would ask, albeit rhetorical, is who are you worried about being "out" him or you? I understand the issues involved with small town conservative life. I grew up in a very small town and currently live in a small conservative city. I cannot say that I am yet comfortable "presenting" myself fully fem. But I do wear nail polish all the time, shaped eyebrows and long hair that I am continuing to let grow. So I display outward signals. Back on point... which one of you is more in the closet and afraid of being outed?

I, like your husband also shave legs and arm pits as well as arms, chest and tummy. I hate the feel of the stubble as it grows and really dislike being overgrown with body hair. Do you shave your legs Di? If so why don't you let your leg hair grow? Could it be you like the feel of smooth legs or dislike having hairy legs? Shaving body does not change the personality. Did you fall in love with your CD husband because of his having body hair. If so I would tend to think that is a very shallow view of your husband.

I am not an effeminate male so it is very difficult to consider that I would actually pass as female. Neither do I identify myself with most of the "manly men".

I guess that in short, if you accepted your husband with his strengths and shortcomings (I don't consider CD a shortcoming), rather than trying to control and manipulate you may consider fully accepting the person you married. This is something I would say to anyone without regard to the sex they were born. Accepting someone only in part or rejecting them on the basis of some idiosyncratic aspect of their personality could be considered hypocrisy or bigotry.

If you love your husband, then love him for who he is and accept who he is rather than trying to manipulate because you fear what the general public thinks.

Wishing you the best

[BRANDYJ]

Hi Wife, So glad you came here for help with your husband's dressing. My thoughts on this:

For most of your life together, you had kids at home. Your husband was limited on how often he could dress not wanting your kids to find out. You, the kids and other things in life were more important. These are good things. Secondly, he may be going through MEN-opause. I know I did. Men do go through something similar to what women go through with menopause. This includes hormonal changes too. Have you ever noticed that most elderly men have very little leg hair? This MEN-opause is why many CD's seem to escalate their need or frequency to dress. I read this in a study years ago, that many CD's needs to dress becomes stronger as they age. It's all part of life.

I would not be to concerned with it. Your husband is fine. But I hope you can come to terms with it and maybe, just maybe even figure out ways to enjoy it with him...For not only his, but for your sake too.

[Annette Todd]

my need for a masculine man, protector, husband and partner is stronger than my already pushed acceptance,

How does being a "manly man" equate to protector, husband and partner? Did you not marry him because of the person he is rather than the external cover?

Please don't consider this rude as I only intend to pose a rhetorical question for you to ponder.

Cheers

[NicoleScott]

It's great that he came out to you before you married, and that he is a good man with whom you have a very good marriage. And it's good that the two of you negotiated some rules regarding the extent and exposure of his crossdressing. The first rule of negotiating is to never agree to terms that you can't keep. The problem, as I see it, is that he broke the rules. He violated rules that he previously agreed to.
Maybe it's time for a serious talk, re-negotiating the boundaries and privileges, and remind him that he needs to stick to what he agrees to.

[Stephanie Michelle]

Hi Wife,

Lots of good responses here. But no matter advise, good or bad, we are not in your situation. Even if it could have be written by many wives or GFs. What works for others doesn't mean it will work for you. You can read all the responses and take what you think will work for you and your husband. But in the end its all about you two. We don't know all the dynamics of your relationship, and on this type forum shouldn't. That should be left for a professional therapist. You both need to talk open and honestly then renegotiate the agreement to where you both are comfortable. It might change again in a year or two. This is a ever changing life. My GF (been dating 18 months) had known from the 3rd month. She is cool with it and actually likes it as long as it is within reason. She even is prompting me to go out, which had been only driving at night and a couple of Halloween parties several years ago. So you need to talk to your husband and ask what he wants or sees where this is going and then you have a better idea where this is going and then you can make a decision weather you can handle this. If you have gone this far I am sure you will be just fine in the future. Keep the faith and COMMUNICATE!

Stephanie Michelle

[ClosetED]

You are not a bad wife - you are more accepting than many. CDing is a spectrum and this forum has a wide range. The self-identified transsexuals who plan on transitioning have their own area, but some here are considering it. So don't take one person's view as speaking for all - many will give opinions and you should note how often one view is expressed. I for one, as I think most that post here, do not plan on transitioning, are not interested in attracting men. My wife has known for years but I kept it to a minimal level. I am also at the early 50's mark and either stress level or natural MENopause has made the urge greater. So why does your spouse want to go further? Can he talk about why? Why did he want to shave his legs more recently? Would bleaching them to less noticeable be enough rather than the feel of the smooth skin (which upsets you). You have not seem him dressed as that would break your image of him as manly. Yet he has been you protector, supporter, lover for years and through many trying times. Is that not proof of being a good man/person? It is your (normal according to society) perception that a man has to look and act a certain way that may be the issue. Certainly many male models doing underwear or swimwear ads are shaven chest and legs. Are they feminine? It is situational of how that is perceived. Is he doing more underdressing to feel more privately feminine as he is not getting any acceptance from anyone but himself? Would support from this forum be useful - yes. Would you being his best female friend while dressed in the privacy of home fulfill his needs? It is probably best to keep the dressing out of the bedroom as that would make you feel more uncomfortable. Would having that kind of acceptance let him back off the shaving? Have a talk with him.

[Jenniferathome]

I can't bring myself to go shopping with him or to see him fully dressed. I just know it would be bad for me to see. So I never have.

Hi Di, I wanted to touch on this subject because my wife went through this phase as well. Her fear when I came out to her was if she saw me dressed, would she always "see" me that way even when not dressed? So, she didn't see me. I did make a transformation video and offered to let her see it at her convenience. One day we watched it together. The great thing about a video is that if she felt she was seeing too much, she could stop it. She didn't. A few months later she saw me "live." Since then, she has seen me many times and it does not phase her at all. If you have a similar fear, remember that we fear the unknown more than the known.

Good luck

[psion128]

I am a CD'er and I have a interest in only women. I'm just thinking that your SO just wants limits taken off and to stop being in the closet. Personally, I think he needs to realize that no all communities will accept you for being yourself. He needs to keep things in perspective and not go all out like some of the others here.

That is my 2cents. I hope it helps.

[bobbimo]

Several weeks ago there was a thread called "whats the point of Crossdresers.com"
This thread from Wife, is exactly what we are all about.
Just reading the wonderful help, and the posts back from Wife are amazing.
The comments from the GG's and CD's bring tears to my eyes. Really!
So I thank you ALL for being such a fabulous bunch of friends. I am honored to be here and have your wisdom at my fingertips.
AND Wife, your doing the right things.
Bobbi

[Barbara Ella]

Di, you have found out what a wonderful caring group of people make up this forum. As a CD, I really care about your well being, and so appreciate your writing here, as any information gives me more insight into the dilema my wife has with this. Background, we were married 41 years before I told my wife. That was just a year ago, and was only 3 months after I realized I was a crossdresser. I began at 65. So the developments have come very fast over the past year, unlike most who develop their situation over many many years. that has fed her uncertainty. When I told my wife, she laughed at me (thinking I was joking, since I was a manly man). But when she saw the look of fear in my eyes, she cried, and continued to cry for three weeks, while learning about crossdressing. she then adopted an attitude of complete support and participation. We did everything together (never dressed in public). We/I feel that my dressing in front of her eventually overloaded her emotional fears of where this might go, and she could not handle it, and reverted to a DADT. She still supported my intellectually, and wanted me to find out who I was to be happy. During this time I did dress and go out in public a few times, which I believe stemmed from doing so much so fast with her, that I felt alone. After 4 months or so, she realized DADT is a terrible way to go, and we are now in a discussion phase. She cannot see me dressed, but supports my dressing when she is not home, and accepts non visible underdressing. I do shave, with her blessing, but she was very sad when the armpit hair went (go figure). She gives me gift cards to use at our local mall, and knows I go out to buy female clothing, but only as a man. Main rule is never leave the house dressed, and never go out in our town dressed, and never let anyone know I am a crossdresser. She says i can drive, get a room, and go out in another town if I want. I have not yet, because that makes me feel very alone, I think.

My wife is very conflicted about all this, much as you are. She is uncertain where this might end up. given the very shortened time frame, it weighs very heavily on her mind. At 66 now, there is no transition or living as female, regardless of my inner development now, but she cannot grasp this totally. Her support, however has not waivered, and I love her for this. Sorry for the long exposition, but just wanted you to know that others feel like you, and in no way does this make for a bad wife. It really makes for a very caring, loving wife, that just has limits...understandable, and totally acceptable.

Do not withdraw from discussing and setting limits that are comfortable to both parties. You may never be comfortable with this, that is fine. you may never see him dressed, that is fine. He may push boundaries, chastise him, don't necessarily redefine them. You must reach a stage where you can live with a man, who is still manly except in your mental image, the hardest image to change. A dresser for so long usually knows where their limits are (I still have no clue) so discuss them, and listen and take to heart. If he is trying new things, he is likely just as confused as you.

I wish you the best of luck as you work through this.

Barbara

[~Joanne~]

Wife, here is my two cents, and as two cents it may not be worth much....

1. I do not feel you are a bad wife at all. You are seeking the answers you need to help get pass your fears and that's more than what a lot of women will do. As Moxie suggested, they would just jump ship, so that says a lot about the person that you are.

2. While your road is clearly not an easy one, your SO's isn't either. He was up front about his CDing BEFORE you got married so for him to say that He has no desires to go further, You should take him at his word. After 20 years of marriage, has he ever gone further? His desires to dress more may have picked up a bit but all in all he has been a man of his word.

Now, going "further" means different things to different folks. I doubt he wants to transition BUT being out and about even once almost always leads to more adventures out. Is this necessarily bad? NO.

While you worry about his safety, yours, and your children's, there are alternatives ways for his needs to be filled and yours too. Other cities or towns could be viable for outings and maybe going to meetings and such once a month isn't a bad idea. This way your SO gets out and you don't have to worry as much as you do in your small hometown.

EDIT: I just wanted to add that I understand your fears because of what "Society" may or may not think but have you really looked at the society we live in lately?

3. As for shaving, It's part of CDing. For some it's more important than for others. I don't see where the problem is in this.

I know a lot of women don't shave their legs during the winter months. Ever stop to think what an SO thinks or feels about it? for most, the answer is NO, it's their body and they will do as they please without any regards for the other. so why is it that we don't have the same rights? To Me shaving should be a non issue but I do understand your concerns. It could be a "tell tale" if anyone notices but most don't and has been proven time and time again.


4. Getting 10 posts and joining the Fab forum may be some use to you but you have to keep in mind that most of the wives there don't understand this any more than you do, save a few (sorry names escape me at this moment).

In my opinion, it seems like the place where wives go to voice their discontent with the whole thing rather than find answers. Truth is, no one really has answers. Not even the professionals. You may find a better understanding, but not clear cut answer because CDing is different from girl to girl and each girl has a different "need" the same as each "wife" has a better understanding.

I will say this, Reine is the most level headed GG I have seen on the forum.There are others but She has lived with this for a period of time and has a very good understanding about all of this. You may not like her answers from time to time but she will certainly not BS you or try to convince you of untruths.

All in all communication is the key, to ever understand what Your SO needs are or how far your SO will be going is by talking about all of this with them. I wish you the best of luck.

[kendra_gurl]

He told me about the crossdressing before he married me. He was completely honest. He felt it had ruined his first two marriages and didn't want to ruin a third marriage. He agreed to certain "rules" and so did I. He has broken these rules occassionally throughout the marriage.

Wife : After being togeather for 20 years do not feel like you are walking on egg shells about this. He has been there and done that with his previous wives and heard it all before. Just talk to him openly and honestly about how his actions are making you feel. Then listen to his responces and think about if they have merit.

Most disputes between couples come down to either misunderstanding ones opinion about an issue or not knowing there is even a problem. In 20 years you have had things come up that at the time were far more serious than this. How did you deal with those?

If either of you are not the sort of persons who can openly discuss your true feelings in a calm manner then do it with your therapist present.

The important part is to TALK TO HIM because what we here say will not change anything untill the two of you do.

[Alice B]

To totally go back to not shaving is not in the cards for me and from what I've read here it is the same for most others. That said, there are times when I may go up to 3-4 weeks without shaving due to travels. But, I've learned that no one notices are cares about shaved legs or arms. I have shaved legs on the golf course, on dive trips, etc. No one notices or cares as it is becoming main stream in our society. There are now many ads for male's to have their body waxed and presented as desireable for their female counter parts. As I said in my earlier post, I doubt that he will want to go back to having body hair. Once it is removed the feelings are too intense to ignore. The compairison to quiting smoking sounds logical, but the mechanics are quite different. One is physical in its root and then emotional, while the other is totally emotional in its root, with some physical reaction.

[Lorileah]

You are not a bad wife. A bad wife would have left her husband hanging or had made an ultimatum toward him.

How to address the rest. Fears are hard to ignore, they also tend to grow when fed. But most fears are totally ungrounded.

The small town thing, I understand. Not because being a CD is wrong, but because people who are ignorant are hard to convince otherwise. Small town people tend to feed fears, a lot. They believe anything they read that helps feed those fears. You know your husband as well as many in your town. They know he is a good person. But fear has made you question that. You know that the rest will question it. So until you can find a good way to let the people of your town know that your husband is still the same good person he always was, you have to move slowly.

As far as his purchases, when wasthe last time you bought men's briefs at Walmart? Is it allowed for a woman to shop for male things but wrong for a man to shop for women's? I bought my wife and GF clothes all the time. Nothing to it. The salespeople don't even care. They have their own agenda (usually money and quitting time).

The personal issues are something you have to decide how you will handle. But let's put a different angle on it. Say that tomorrow you decided to change your hair color. Maybe your husband loves blondes but you think you need to be a redhead. Would you accept his not wanting to be with you over that? Maybe he sulks for a few days but soon he gets used to the look, maybe even likes it. Let's get closer to the issue here. What if for some reason you decided to NOT shave your legs? Does that make you more masculine? Not really. He may not like that but he loves you so he says "OK". Yes you have preferences, we all do, but small things are not something to allow to destroy your marriage. Nail polish? It is a color on your nails. It doesn't make you any different. Smooth legs? It is a preference, some people don't even have the option. Hair color, type of clothing, makeup. Nothing that changes your man from a good person to a bad person. Hard to change your preferences, so don't but maybe easier to accept the changes as growing. One concern I have is you are now in your 50's, beyond middle age. You have a lot of changes that will be coming your way in the next few years. You will become a different person visually, of which you have little control. He will also. That hairy masculine male you married will soon start to be less masculine and more androgynous. So will you. It is totally what you see, not who you are that changes. Seems petty doesn't it to decide that physical characteristics are more important than love. Take it from someone who has lost people recently, the snoring, the little idiosyncrasies, the nail polish, they are nothing. You need to enjoy each other while you can. It is the spirit and soul you love. The rest is trappings. You said he was happier. That in itself is worth a lot right?

Don't try and change yourself overnight. Take time, but it may be easier if you look beyond the physical, the pantyhose the nail polish, and see the person. You may have been attracted to him physically but you know you love him spiritually