Freak amongst freaks?

[Bobbielikes]

Ok I've been reading these forums for a while. You ladies are all pretty awesome but I do feel like I'm in the minority here as a cd who does it because I enjoy sexually being fem, but I like it most with men, don't get me wrong I like just dressing too.

One other thing, I'm married and she doesn't know. I have been cheating on her pretty much since we got married. I'm not proud of that. It actually torments me quite a bit. She isn't perfect but I do love her, it's just she isn't tolerant of things like this and sexually she is not satisfying (other than being beautiful) its not her fault.

I love women but when I watch porn or fantasize, I'm always the girl. I love the female form and I want to be them. I also love men. I find men so arousing and it turns me on to feel wanted, to be touched and kissed.

Anyway am I really a freak amongst freaks?

[AmyGaleRT]

Some of us have been there, Bobbie. I think that's how it started for me, being turned on by the look and feel of nightgowns, especially the silky tricot ones. However, it's (mostly) mellowed out now in my case; my wardrobe has expanded "out of the bedroom," and while dressed I just feel warm and happy. Some are at one level, some another, some progress as time passes. It's all OK.

I've never had any attraction to men, though...which is a good thing, as my fiancee would REALLY throw a fit!

- Amy

[ReineD]

Oh you're not alone in terms of CDing for sexual reasons and indulging with men. I'd say there's a pretty large contingent of CDers who do this, even if they do not participate in this forum in favor of engaging in all the meet-up activities on other sites and in yahoo groups, whether they get their thrills in RL or through cybersex.

My biggest concern is that you think that your wife does not know that you've been cheating on her since you got married. She may not know exactly what is going on, but I'm sure she senses the distancing. And she is likely internalizing it to the point where she feels inadequate. Or, her coping mechanism might be to keep her head buried in the sand which keeps her from living her life to its fullest potential. Honestly, I think that the way you are treating your wife is despicable and if you had any decency you would be honest with what is going on and you'd face the consequences.

If you're having physical affairs, I hope you are practicing safe sex and you are being tested on a regular basis. I also hope that you'd tell her if you got a STD.

[Tracii G]

Sorry I'm not a freak just to get that out of the way so don't lump me in that category.
You need to have a talk with your wife or get professional help.
Porn and cheating on your wife isn't healthy.

[Eryn]

Bobbie, cheating on your wife, whether with women or men, is the road to disaster. That is the first thing that needs to be addressed and you know as well as we do that it is flat wrong.

Your wife deserves to know what is going on. That way both of you can make an informed choice for her to cooperate with your chosen lifestyle, for you to modify your lifestyle to a form acceptable to both of you, or to end your relationship if she cannot cope with your actions.

[Tara D. Rose]

Hi Bobbielikes, first off, I want to welcome you to the this site. It's a pleasure to have you here. You will find that in time that there is a wealth of wisdom and information from all of the members here that have lived the life and that continue to live the life of being a cross dresser and all that goes along with it. And because you live a certain way, and you feel that it is freakish doesn't mean that all cross dressers are like that. We are not freaks.
On the part about you cheating on your wife, and cheating with men. This is so wrong. It is deplorable and a shameful disrespectful betrayal of your marital vows and is so wrong as to cause so much grief to the one that you vowed to love, honor and cherish and to FORSAKE all others.

Ok, so you like to be with men. I'm sure this didn't come on all of a sudden. It sounds like you have always had this kind of attraction to men. Did you think it would stop if you got married? You say you feel guilty of cheating on her,,well you should. Do you feel like a freak, well you should. So much damage has been done now. But now is time for you to stop cheating on her. She deserves better than this, and you do know that. You need to STOP cheating on her,,and you've been doing it since you got married? You need to come clean with her and tell her that you have been cheating, and with men. I don't think you will find one member here that will condone your cheating on your wife. But there has been so much of it now. It would be different if the two of you had an agreement or something, but this is just so wrong. You need to stop cheating on her, and get tested before you have sex with her again. Then you need to tell her of your cheating and pay your dues. I cannot understand this. It isn't like you had no idea that you were attracted to men before you married her, did you think that attraction would go away when you got married?
I'm not sure of what you define as a freak, but if you think that when you came here, that you would be among fellow freaks, then you are mistaken.
Why did you get married to a woman? Was it for convenience while you carried on with your cross dressing and having sex with men? And with the intent to deceive her, your wife?
And getting back to your title once more, if you feel you are a freak, then that is on you, but don't jump in here and say you are a freak among freaks. This is not a good way to join up on here,,,,to imply that I am a freak and others on here are freaks. For shame. But please do keep us informed of what you are going to do next. It should be that you are very ashamed and you were so lost and confused, and that you got married on a whim, without thought of your hidden desires. And now out of extreme guilt, you came here to find answers. I hope this is the case. The answer is to come clean with your wife and face the possibility of divorce. It's the right thing to do. No human deserves to be treated this way. And again remember, we are not freaks.


Love & Respect,

Tara D. Rose

[Bree-asaurus]

Ok I've been reading these forums for a while. You ladies are all pretty awesome but I do feel like I'm in the minority here as a cd who does it because I enjoy sexually being fem, but I like it most with men, don't get me wrong I like just dressing too.

One other thing, I'm married and she doesn't know. I have been cheating on her pretty much since we got married. I'm not proud of that. It actually torments me quite a bit. She isn't perfect but I do love her, it's just she isn't tolerant of things like this and sexually she is not satisfying (other than being beautiful) its not her fault.

I love women but when I watch porn or fantasize, I'm always the girl. I love the female form and I want to be them. I also love men. I find men so arousing and it turns me on to feel wanted, to be touched and kissed.

Anyway am I really a freak amongst freaks?

Nothing wrong with who you are, but there is A LOT wrong with the way you are treating your wife. You're right, you shouldn't be proud of it and YOU SHOULD STOP! Jesus...

It doesn't matter if you think she's not accepting or whatever. If you two can't be honest with each other, respect each other and compromise so you both can express yourselves without this dishonest bull, you should end the marriage.

A marriage with out respect isn't a marriage.

[Jana]

I don't think you are a freak for CDing and liking men. That's a matter of personal preference. What you need to do, though, is think real hard about the role this marriage plays in your life. You say you love your wife, but your actions are not those of a loving spouse. You say she isn't perfect, and obviously neither are you (heck, who is, after all?). In addition to lying and cheating, you are also putting her health (and perhaps life!) at risk. Is this web of lies, deceit and irresponsibility really worth the thrill? Food for thought.

[Beth Wilde]

Hi Bobbie,

As others have said, there is nothing wrong with WHO you are, but what you are doing is hardly fair. The big question has to be, WHY are you married to a woman? There is obviously a large amount of bisexuality in your genetic makeup, from your statement, it appears that you much prefer to be with men..... It sounds like you are only with your wife so that you can use her as a pseudo-mirror, you'd rather BE her than be WITH her.

If this is the case then you need to stop putting her at risk, both sexually and mentally, and move on. Perhaps find a guy who is looking for someone like you? They are certainly out there.

My other question is do you want to transition? Or live as a girl? This obviously changes things again.....

I'm happy to chat if it helps (speaking as a gay male CD in a relationship with another gay male CD, I know there is someone for everyone).

[Kate Simmons]

Who we are is pretty much determined by our mental image of ourselves. I keep my private life private, however, unless I'm going to share an experience to illustrate something.

[kimdl93]

Not a freak, but you are making bad choices that risk your marriage. You need to come out to her about your CDing, and stop cheating. Unless and until she agrees to an open marriage, that act of disloyalty is hugely destructive. Besides, if you prefer sex with men, ou should be honest with yourself.

[Vickie_CDTV]

You need to come clean to your wife and let her make an informed decision, especially if she is still fertile and could end up bringing a child into a potentially volatile situation.

[Bobbielikes]

I would like to point out I am safe and I do get tested. Also when I say I've been cheating the whole marriage the truth is that means about 5 times in 10 years. Sadly the sex life with here is almost that infrequent too. This is gonna sound horrible but I know it's wrong and I've known for a while I should come clean let her make the informed decision which I am 100% sure will be to leave me and take the kids. If it were that simple believe me I'd do it. But I've ran that scenario out. I make far more money than she could ever make and she would take half of it, and be forced to live on that. Now me with a new life I'd find the dirtiest studio apartment and be perfectly happy living as Pam. But my wife and kids... It would destroy their world. So I feel like my best choice, and it's a crappy one I know, is to be as good a husband and dad as I can as much as I can. Occasionally I slip up but I actually do generally try to be good.

As far as the distancing. I know she senses that, I'll drift off once in a while but mostly I have a very complex internalization process which is probably borderline multiple personality disorder. We have tried therapy. I loved it! She hated it because she is incapable of admitting she is wrong or that others opinions can be right. Again that's a generalization she's now some bitchy money grubbing wife she's a complicated woman.

I pretty much feel like a monster right now.

FYI I didn't mean anything by the freaks comment it was more of a joke than anything, humor is how I try to handle these things. I really appreciate all the advice and believe it or not even the lectures. I hope you all understand that Your only getting part of my story and that being honest in a post is as close as I've come, other that with the boyfriend, to telling anyone about this.

Lastly. I have liked men as long as I can remember. My first kiss, first sexual experience was with a man. Society told me that was wrong and I actually consider myself bisexual. When I met my wife I was in a weird place in my life. I was in a purely sexual relationship with a female friend. It was pure lust and passion to be honest I loved her but she didn't want more than what we had. Then I met my wife. She thought I was funny and nice and cool. After the second date I visited the other girl. I told her I had met someone and that I couldn't see her like this. She gave me a good bye jump and for a split second I thought she changed her mind but it was for naught. Things were going great until about a month before the wedding. We got in a huge fight and she cheated on me. Now ill be honest I've always been a porn addict I probably need help with that. Well somehow that night I stumbled on Craig's list and ended up in the back seat with a guy in a sears parking lot. It was fun and intense. But afterwards I felt terrible and I came to blame myself for her cheating. So I went back begged forgiveness and promised to work harder at our relationship. The day of our wedding I spent the morning with my ex. I guess I was looking for a way out. My ex never forgave me for that. Turns out she loved me too but was too immature to understand that. We haven't spoken since. Again there was a year when things were great. Then I my wife started shutting down the sex and eventually i started scanning Craigslist. To that point I had maybe rounded third once with a guy. One night I had a class that got cancelled so I didn't tell the wife and met up with my boyfriend. He made me feel wanted, sexy, fun again. It was just amazing. But it wasn't real. Anyway 2 years later we hooked up again and this time I worked up the courage bought clothes, shoes, purse and a wig. He loved it and I never felt more beautiful and sexy. It's been almost a year since I was last with him.

Obviously I should get to therapy is what I'm finding. Wow I'm a hot mess

[Moxie]

Forget the money your wife might take and how she will handle her life without you in it, and understand that right now she is married to a man who cheats on her, is very likely gay, and who could quite happily live out his days as a woman called Pam!

Does this seem fair??

[linda allen]

Bobbie, If you love your wife and family as much as you claim you do, you will stop cheating on her. No other women, no other men. Just don't do it. It's cheating!

As far as crossdressing, I don't know if your wife is aware of your crossdressing and if so, how she feels about it. This is something you should discuss with her if you want to continue crossdressing.

If you haven't been caught yet cheating and want to save your marriage, just stop and don't bring it up. Once your wife knows you've cheated, she will never forget and never feel the same about you. The same goes for having sex with men but more so. I think most women would feel worse about you cheating with a man than with another woman.

You are the only person who can get you out of the mess you have created for yourself. I wish you the best.

[NicoleScott]

Two ways to stop cheating: 1) stop having sex with others 2) divorce. You should pick one.

[Jenniferathome]

You are an adulterer. And by cheating on your wife you are also putting her in danger of possible disease. You write that it torments you but clearly that is fluff. Come clean and live your life freely, divorced, but free.

[rachael.davis]

Bobbie

I spent about four hours on the phone with one of my oldest friendsa few months back, she discovered her husband had been running around (with women), and was just absolutely devistated.
She is the person who kept me from trying either the .303 or 12 gauge headache pills I was considering a few years back when I was in absolute dispair about gender identity - I owe her big time, and can only pay what I owe her forward.
You have absolutely no right to take a chance on bringing a virus, or bacterium home. One is all it takes, they spread like germs and virus', and it doesn't sound like you two have "an understanding". I was holding A********* hand over the phone when she went in for a blood test, and a couple of days later cheered/cried with her when it came back negative.
You seem to be trying to justify infidelity, and actually there isn't a justification. If you're Trans something or another (my personal label for me) I really strongly suggest finding someone to speak to about where your marriage is, where you are, and where you should be.

[angpai30]

I recently started a thread about dating in the transsexual form and some of the comments left helped me, but I am divorced and I am finding out that I like men. I have never been with a man before, but that part of me has been hidden away for so long while I put up the white flag and tried to be normal. I'm not normal and both me and my ex thought that marriage would break me of my "Habit" at the time and "Normalize", which I don't suggest to anyone because it DOES NOT WORK. On that note as many have already stated... cheating on you're wife since the day that you got married? Really? you say you love her, but then turn around and cheat on her? I would suggest going to a marriage counselor and start telling the truth. If not to save the marriage then to save any kind of relationship that you may have with you're wife now, which will be difficult when you spill the beans to her.

Angela

[Beverley Sims]

I find it hard to condone this type of cheating, it is just plain promiscuity as far as I am concerned.
You can be playing Russian Roulette if you are not protecting yourself. I do not think you deserve to be married although I assume you are being honest to us about your infidelity. Think of where you are at the moment and do you value your marriage other than monetary value, because as a soothsayer and fortune teller I see a dark future down a big hole for you.
I hope you come to your senses and sort yourself out.
Go the gay way and get yourself a divorce, or show some respect to your wife and start loving her.
You may be surprised as to how she may respond.

[Amy Fakley]

Honestly ... to me it sounds like your marriage is like a plane with three failed engines. You can try a controlled descent and maybe spare everyone on board, or you can try to keep flying with the one remaining engine, that you know is eventually going to fail.

You're not doing your family any favors by playing both sides of the fence so vigorously. Sooner or later all this is going to come out. Some wives can deal with a closeted CD husband or whatever, but I simply cannot imagine anyone in the whole world who could deal with being married to someone running around the way you describe (save a completely informed, consenting open marriage kind of thing -- which clearly you don't have). When this "hot mess" comes out into the daylight (and from the way you describe it, that sounds like only a mater of time), it's going to seriously impact your kids and your wife. You can control the situation, or you can allow it to develop into full on Jerry Springer material, if you know what I mean.

For what it's worth, my advise is to just try and spare everyone that drama. Get a divorce, and if your family's financial situation is really a concern, you can give up more than 50% you know? But hey ... I'm just some person on the internet, and I'm jumping to some big conclusions based on very little info.

[docrobbysherry]

Bobbie, sounds like your getting your share of judgemental lectures here. Since I'm divorced and haven't heard your ex's, oops, sorry! I meant your "wife's" side, I can't pass judgement on you. Whatever 2 people have to do to stay together is entirely their business!

However, I can tell u that u should see a therapist regularly because you're going to experience lots of guilt if u continue as u r! And, don't be afraid telling us more about your situation and feelings. Not everyone here is ready to throw stones at the drop of a hat. Some of us r good listeners and want to help!

Most dressers have at one time or another been turned on by their fem image. Whether they like to admit it or not. And finally, few here r freakier than I. As Sherry's and my relationship is standing between relationships with real GGs!

[Ressie]

I'm almost as freaky as you are bobbielikes except: I didn't cheat on my ex, I told her about my CDing before we were married, my experience with men in the past isn't much at all. But female clothing excites me and I also have fantasies about men when dressed. I commend you for being honest, at least with the members of this forum.

[ReineD]

I make far more money than she could ever make and she would take half of it, and be forced to live on that. Now me with a new life I'd find the dirtiest studio apartment and be perfectly happy living as Pam. But my wife and kids... It would destroy their world.

This is pure rationalization. You are controlling every facet of this situation YOUR way. If you present your wife with the truth, she will take this information and make the best possible decision for HER and for the kids. Better to live an honest life with half the money, then a life of lies. What messages do you think that your kids are getting in all of this? How will they deal with their own adult relationships down the road? If you think they do not sense the disparity between who you say you are and what you do, you're wrong.

If you're so concerned that your wife will not have enough raising the kids on half the money and since you would be happy in a small studio as long as you can be Pam with men, then maybe you should give her more.

[Jenniferathome]

I would like to point out I am safe and I do get tested. Also when I say I've been cheating the whole marriage the truth is that means about 5 times in 10 years. Sadly the sex life with here is almost that infrequent too. ... But my wife and kids... It would destroy their world. So I feel like my best choice, and it's a crappy one I know, is to be as good a husband and dad as I can as much as I can. Occasionally I slip up but I actually do generally try to be good.

What a cop out! Only 5 times in 10 years!?!? ZERO is the allowable number in a marriage. How kind of you to get tested. Married people don't need to get tested. You are in an open marriage but your wife doesn't know. There's one word for that: cowardice. And you don't want a divorce because it would destroy "their" worlds. Bullshit! You want the edifice of normalcy via marriage. It's wrong. A six year old knows this is wrong. One last comment. Sex is bad in your marriage, eh? Want to guess why? Because you're gay.

Rationalize all you want, but you are wrong. What you are doing to your family is wrong. Live an honest life and anyone can respect you. Your wife deserves better. Hell, criminals deserve better!