My amazing wife (a little long)

[MissVictoria]

I have spoken in the past about how accepting my wife is of my little "hobby". I told her about it about 6 months into our relationship, and now 12 years later (6 married) we are still going strong. I have been going out on my own for years, without hair and makeup, and usually to a mall. About 6 months ago, she found a local weekly party for me to attend, in which she can doll me up and send me on my way, while she stays home with the kids. I want her to come with me, and she wants to come out as well, however, this is where I have an issue. I do go the weekly party, bc my wife likes to hear about the goings on and all that, but there are nights where it is just epically boring. Maybe 6 other girls, in a dark creepy bar. She has suggested a swingers club, my weekly bar, and a few other places she thinks I will be comfortable in. However, I don't think I would be comfortable with her at these places because it isn't a place we would go otherwise. I have gone alone to Mohegan Sun, Foxwoods, movies etc without encountering any problems, and would much prefer to take her "mainstream" than a creepy place with some overly closeted girls that sometimes make the room awkward. I do pass when dolled up, and she doesn't particularly care about being outed, as I don't either. I would much rather go to either the casinos or broadway or a museum, but she is concerned about my safety. How can I quell her fears? I know she would much rather go to a "mainstream" place as well, but the thought of me being injured has her more than freaked out,. We have gone out to dinner and casino on Halloween, but that is it.

As an aside, she asked me what my ideal day would be about 8 months ago, and I mentioned museum, train ride into the city, dinner, etc, and she now wants to do it, but as I said, she is freaking herself out. Do I take her to the seedy bar, and hope its a good night, or go to a swingers club on Bi night (the only night they allow tg) or just make plans myself and take her where I want?

[DebbieL]

You might point out that you are probably safer in a place where the patrons are sober, rather than a place where the the patrons are drunk and more inclined to lose control of their manners. You might suggest doing a week-end in NYC and checking out Lucky Chang's and Lips. This would give here a safe environment, the ability to meet others like you, and still feel that she can blend in.

You might also want to consider shopping in a mall on a week-day. This is often a much quieter time, and she would feel less "at risk" than going to a mall on a week-end during the Christmas Season when tempers are already short and lines are long.

Bottom line, take her anywhere she wants to go so that she can feel comfortable that you won't have some bruiser threatening to beat you up and take your girl. You might also be aware of your wife's own security issues. Has she had bad experiences where things got out of control with a man?

One thing I remember, especially in my single days, was that many women would dance with me or spend time with me, and they would suddenly become "Man Magnets", being approached by men who wanted to give here a "Real Man" and men who wanted a woman who could accept their feminine side even though they had not worn their dress to the party.

[MissVictoria]

Usually, the mall visits end around the middle of November, and don't begin again until about middle January. We have been to Lips, celebrating a birthday of mine there many years ago, but I was not dressed for the occasion. She does not necessarily appreciate drag, so while I know we both enjoyed our evening that night, the mediocre food and the entire presentation was a one-nite only type of thing. I know that she has never had a problem with men being forceful to her, and even if she had, she does know how to fend for herself. Ultimately, I do not think the environs she is suggestiong would be pleasing to her, and know that a broadway show, or a day at the museum is far more her cup of tea than a swingers club. From what I have read on here, I do not think we would have a problem at either of these destinations.

[Lady Catherine]

Make the date, then surprise her with a day at the museum. That way she won't have the anxiety leading up to it that she would if she knew. Relax and have fun.

[Confetti]

Take her to a nice place where you wish to go no point in going to a dark seedy place where people will creep her out I would be more afraid for you and its a good thing your not worried about being outed, if you are going out always protect your identity. People who are worried about being revealed can only blame themselves there are so many zealots who think the are doing good exposing others.
I took my friend to a CD'S and admirer BBQ he was creeped and uncomfortable because, he normally is not an out going person I just wanted to be more social since he prefers staying in. It was seedy and quite frankly after that we haven't gone anywhere since.He did not care for the people, more ratio of men then actual cd's and women.
The cd convention this spring is off because he had such an unpleasant time he is not afraid of being outed but apparently they did flirt with him a lot and even though conservatively dressed. Later explained his very public display of affection the whole time, he told me he felt obligated to show he was with someone I didn't mind.

[kathtx]

Safe settings: museums, plays, symphonies, restaurants, operas, shopping malls, casinos, churches, parks, movie theaters, ballroom dances, jazz concerts, rock concerts. Anywhere a woman would feel safe going alone or with a female friend, or where a lesbian or gay couple would go w/o fear of bashing, you'll be OK if you dress and act appropriately to the setting. Except for the obvious spots where alcohol and testosterone mix at dangerous levels, you'll be fine.

I've never been to a swingers club, but my guess would be that the other patrons are there to swing, meaning that you and your wife would be dealing with advances from other couples and singles. Since it sounds like what you want is some quality time as a couple, a swingers club is probably not the best setting for this outing.

My wife and I have often gone to lesbian clubs to hang out by ourselves or with friends, dance, shoot pool, and girl-watch; that's perfectly safe if your wife is OK with other patrons assuming she's a lesbian, and maybe flirting with her (or with you).

Bottom line: go almost anywhere!

[MissVictoria]

Thank you all for your responses! As an update, we have decided to visit Mohegan Sun, where we will be spending the night. Should either of us have second thoughts, we will be close enough to the hotel room to retreat back to and get out of the spotlight. Thanks again all!

[Raychel]

Sounds like a great plan Kimberly, Stay in her safe zone and have a great time.
Let us konw how it works out.

[giuseppina]

Hello Kimberly

Forget about the seedy bar, and stay away from the wrong areas of town.

I agree with the others that it is generally safer in a place where there is no alcohol around. As for your DSW coming along, maybe that would be a good excuse to send your children to the grandparents for a visit if they're nearby.

Perhaps your DSW would be amenable to opening an account here so she can learn a bit more about us and conquer some of her fears.

[suchacutie]

For a future trip, I agree with the NYC idea (take Amtrak in and out of the city!) but would suggest that you stick with sophisticated crowded venues like the Metropolitan Museum of Art, Carnegie Hall, and/or a broadway play or two. Just walking around Times Square and 5th avenue on a busy day can be a very fun time! I hope your time at the casino goes very well!!

[Rachel Morley]

She wants to go to mainstream places but she is concerned about your safety, how can you quell her fears? Well, to be honest with you, I go out with my wife to mainstream places all the time and believe it or not, we find that the bigger and busier the place is the less likely you are to get any trouble. Places like casinos have all walks of life going in there and there is always security all over the place, same goes for a bigger mainstream club or bar, even the mall on a busy weekend afternoon is ok.

They all have security so that would be my recommendation. The other thing to consider, and again, this is just my own personal experience and opinion, but the more "upmarket" or less of a "white trash" type of public venue you go to the better. Places like museums, the theater to see a show or a play, the better casinos, the library, upmarket restaurants and wine bars, anywhere where there is security or where the clientele are of the type not to cause a scene, are the places to go IMHO ... and of course, any TG support group's social. Good luck and have fun!

[Jacky Aikou]

Kimberly, I'm with the majority here and say to stick to upscale, safe places both you and your wife will enjoy. I envy your ability to pass and how wonderfully accepting your wife is. (Although my wife is truly a gem, too -- she tolerates my rare escapades out as Jacky.)
Living in the same area as you, I think the train ride over to NYC sounds wonderful, especially this time of year. Why not go check out the tree in Rockefeller or skate a bit if you're feeling adventurous, or maybe catch the Rockettes or something more cultured at the Met?

Now that you mention it, I should take my own advice, get a babysitter, and set up something romantic for my wife. I would have to go in drab, of course, but oh well... ^_-

[Beverley Sims]

Stay away from seedy bar, bi and swingers.
Do something different.
Even window shop.
Don't come home with lots of windows.