Confused State after purge

[jenny_geek72]

My confidence level is a bit low so I really don't feel "passable". I am currently recovering from a purge so I only have workout clothes (boot cut yoga pants and a sports top). I lost my wigs on this last purge

Anyway, I found a nice winter hat and ventured out with my tight fitting yoga pants and exercise top. I managed to stop by several places without getting any second looks (Khol's, ShopKo, Maurices, and Dress Barn).

I've got to admit, I'm a bit nervous on how to take this. Dressing has become easier and without second looks, I have mixed emotions on blending in for some reason. My paranoia comes in becoming too comfortable or overconfident which may lead to a mistake on getting my secret discovered.

As I become more comfortable, I am also nervous on where this is going to take me. I feel stronger desires to take it further . . . shaving legs and underarms, piercing my ears, getting a mani/pedi.

One thing is for sure, I don't think I'm going to purge anymore. If I get the feeling to purge, I will make sure I just store it somewhere since there is a good chance the purge feeling is only a temporary phase.

I should just suck it up and tell my wife now and get it over with. I would like to think that I am willing to accept my fate, no matter how she takes the news . . . not sure yet.

. . . just venting . . . thanks for listening (reading).

[Meghan]

Hi Jenny,

It's hard to remember in the moment that the feelings, either great or not so good, will pass.

I have probably been through three significant purges in the last 20 years. However, I see them as a "burn down the forest" things where new life can emerge, only if everything is wiped clean.

Thinking back, there isn't much I would want back if I could have it. Except for one really nice wig. That one would be nice to have again.

Still, maybe purges aren't bad things. Maybe we get to a point when we realize whatever combination of things we're trying isn't working, and the only way to fix it is to reset the whole collection.

Hugs. Hang in there and yes, please, talk to your wife soon.

Meghan

[ArleneRaquel]

Purging is a terrible experience. I have given away a great part of my life and money. I will never do it again. Hugs & love jenny.

[Stephanie47]

Thankfully my self loathing, doubts about masculinity, what's wrong with me, all occurred when I was a teen and trying on my mother's clothing. No way I would have thrown her clothing away. Getting drafted, ending up in the infantry in Nam and surviving in relatively good shape, convinced me I was a 'Manly man' with a desire to wear women's clothing on occasion. The only clothes I have tossed did not fit or wore out (shoes).

Rather than purge, as has been stated time and again on this site, put everything in storage.

[Meghan]

Purging is a terrible experience. I have given away a great part of my life and money. I will never do it again. Hugs & love jenny.

I totally agree. I think purges are horrible and unpleasant. I will also never endure one again.

Meghan

[Sandra bailey]

I think the storing away sounds a good idea, ive thrown away some lovely things and if i'd stored i would have them now. I Don't think i could do the leg shaving, i'm to hairy, i just wear 2 pairs of thick panyhose, the top ones being shiny. i hope you manage to tell your wife. I was in the same place then one night we were in bed, she had on a very nice silky nightdress i had bought for her as things progressed i just asked her to rub the silk against me, she could see i enjoyed that. The next time she asked if i would like to try it on and rub against her and it just progressed from their. now she calls us sisters in draws, i hope you can get the confidence to let your wife into your secret life, i asked my wife about shaving my underarms and she said she likes them the way they are, i think she finds them cheeky when i dance with my arms up.

[Angela Campbell]

Yes the feeling of "whats wrong with me" is a question we get that can lead to a purge. I finally decided that what is wrong with me is I am living as a man. Once I realized that I felt so much better about myself. Now when I look like a woman I feel like this is what I really am. I will never purge again even if it means getting caught.

[Kelley]

It sounds like you are terribly torn between who you are expected to be and who you really are. When you except yourself I believe your life will become whole and you will be able to live in peace with yourself. Tell you wife if you can and let the journey take you where you need to be.

[ChelseaErtel]

Before you tell your wife, and you need to, know "WHY" you are dressing. I didn't tell mine until after I found out why I dressed. For me it turned out to be I was transsexual. Once I accepted that I was ready to tell her.

Good on not purging any more, it will make it easier on your walled.

Read the threads on telling your wife when you are ready. Take them all in, combine, mix and match to make them your own and give her the news.

Good luck.

[Tara D. Rose]

I have been there myself a few times too. I was in my second marriage and would go to our second home on weekends and stay dressed as a woman the whole time, I didn't want to undo it all and come home on Sunday nights. I found that the more i did it the more I wanted to do it, and the more I wanted altogether. One day in'97, I put lots of dresses, wigs, hosiery, heels skirts,blouses, in the corner dumpster on the way home. It was hundreds of dollars worth. I'd love to now have it all back. I don't think I will ever do it again, but if this ever goes away, I will just let Tara's stuff continue to hang right where it is tight now. Never throw it away, just leave it where it's at or store it away.

[Beverley Sims]

Purging is a loss of your character, and I can see why you could be confused.
As you say suck it up and get on with life.
Do not come out to your wife until you have gathered your thoughts and researched the various coming out posts.
I hope the outcome is good.

[kimdl93]

I think you need to get some counseling so that you understand yourself before you attempt to explain yourself to your wife. Your confusion and purging suggest that you're a long ways from self acceptance or self awareness.