Trying to imagine what it must be like to purge.

[suzy1]

One of the recurring themes here is purging as you know.
The reasons seem to be easy to understand as I read the comments of members that have purged.

I have never felt the need to purge as I have no guilt about dressing and I am free to dress all I want. So I sat at my desk today with all my fem clothes behind me in my wardrobes and in my drawers and started to imagine me purging.

Starting with all my dresses tops and skirts, and then my underwear and then my shoes, and finally all my perfume, make up, and my little nail file.
I imagined taking them all to the rubbish tip in black plastic bags and then driving home.
Even thinking of this made me a little bit depressed. I imagined my life going all sort of grey, empty, and uninteresting. As if I was loosing a part of me. I am Suzy inside my head anyway but not dressing would just feel wrong.

Not a nice thought so don’t to it girls.

[Tara D. Rose]

I agree Suzy1, don't do it. I have been there once and lost or threw away a lot of good stuff. It was about a $1,000 worth. Oh how I regretted it so. Yes it was the extreme guilt that did it for me. I have come to grips with it all now, and mostly thanks to this site. You say you have never felt guilty about dressing, so may I ask you,and I do ask this respectively, have you ever felt guilty about anything?

[Foxglove]

You know, Suzy, just yesterday I watched "Good Will Hunting" for the umpteenth time. One of my all-time favorite films. I paid especial attention to that agonizing scene when Minnie Driver was begging Matt Damon not to ditch her and challenged him to tell her that he didn't love her. Those who know the film know how conflicted that poor guy was, and finally driven to the "put-up-or-shut-up" point, he came out and said, "I don't love you." The pain he caused her with those words was awful to see.

That's kind of what purging is like--saying "I don't love you", when you know you do. Talk about being conflicted: you're ashamed to love them and ashamed not to acknowledge your love for them. You're right: it's something people need to get over, especially those who've been up against the problem more than once.

Annabelle

[suzy1]

You say you have never felt guilty about dressing, so may I ask you,and I do ask this respectively, have you ever felt guilty about anything?

Yes but not C.D.ing.
If I did not feel guilty about anything then I would have to be either without a conscience or perfect. I am far from perfect!!!!
Some things will haunt me till the day I die.

[Angela Campbell]

I have purged when younger but never from guilt. I only did it out of fear of being found out.

[Stephanie47]

I can understand the psychological need to purge. It stems from either not accepting yourself in totality or trying to salvage a relationship when an ultimatum is given by a spouse. Fortunately, I had my most serious moments of self loathing and questioning before I acquired my own wardrobe. Would I purge my wardrobe now? No! It's a personal matter between me, myself and I. I do not ask my wife to participate in any manner. I do not flaunt my cross dressing in front of her. Could I live without cross dressing? Probably for awhile. I do every summer when my wife is not working. However, I know the school year will start again, and, Stephanie will be able to express herself again. If I knew when my life was going to expire, I'd probably start reducing my wardrobe, but, I do not consider that purging.

[Amy R Lynn]

I have purged in the past. It was part not wanting to be cuaght, and part proving that was not who I was. I was in denial for years. I kept thinking that it meant I was gay or a deviant or something worse. So, purging was my way of proving that it wasn't part of me.

I have only recently been able to come to terms with who I am, and accept that this is a part of me. Now that I have accepted it, I have found out how much fun it really can be. I wish I could have done this years earlier. For me acceptance was all about circumstances. Being married (not anymore, but not because of CD'ing) kept me in denial. I told my wife about it but she thought it was just a phase that had passed. seemed relieved when it did. So I kept it hidden. When my "phase" had passed, I threw it all into the Goodwill bin (at least I didn't just trash em!) to prove to myself and my wife that it was just a phase. I didn't have that much anyway, but it was still a purge.

[GabbiSophia]

I have purged when younger but never from guilt. I only did it out of fear of being found out.

I have done this a couple of times. just purely because I didn't want to be found out by others.

I have purged in the past. It was part not wanting to be cuaght, and part proving that was not who I was. I was in denial for years. I kept thinking that it meant I was gay or a deviant or something worse. So, purging was my way of proving that it wasn't part of me.

This maybe the true reason I have purged. Always trying to be something everyone else wants me to be. After awhile it catches up with me and now I have kinda said screw it and I going to see where it leads. I hated purging and regrett some of the nice stuff I got rid of (shoes really) but some of it was crap so I don't mind it. It would make me feel correct for a few weeks though before I started regreting it.

I have only recently been able to come to terms with who I am, and accept that this is a part of me. Now that I have accepted it, I have found out how much fun it really can be. I wish I could have done this years earlier. For me acceptance was all about circumstances. Being married (not anymore, but not because of CD'ing) kept me in denial. I told my wife about it but she thought it was just a phase that had passed. seemed relieved when it did. So I kept it hidden. When my "phase" had passed, I threw it all into the Goodwill bin (at least I didn't just trash em!) to prove to myself and my wife that it was just a phase. I didn't have that much anyway, but it was still a purge.

[Eryn]

To me, purging would be like flushing $100 bills down the toilet, one after another. Not a pleasant prospect at all.

[RADER]

The only time I had to purge was when I went into the service, Being away
for two years, I was not going to have anything "Found"
Rader

[Missygirl]

Here is craziness. I buy, I wear, I get guilty and fear being found out and I purge all in the same day.

[Annie M]

I have purged a few times. The last one about 5 years ago, dresses, wigs, breast forms, shoes, makeup, bras the whole thing. Hundreds of dollars and a few years of accumulation. I dropped it in a couple of charity pick up boxes.
At least someone got value out of my issues. I have accumulated again actually in better taste. I no longer want or need breast forms and my hair is well past my shoulders now, so there is an upside. It was rather cathartic really, time off to think and reevaluate. I do miss some of the shoes however.

[Raychel]

I have purged in the past. But that was a long time ago. I have grown to accept myself and my wife has accepted me as well.

the thought of purging now just plain scares me, I will never do that again. I am with you it would be

life going all sort of grey, empty, and uninteresting. As if I was loosing a part of me.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Suzy,

Rule #1. Never purge!!

Rule #2. If you feel the need to purge, SEE RULE # 1. AGAIN !!

[RenneB]

I agree with a few of the other posters in that the purge in the past was for fear of being found out.... Before the internet, I really thought I was one of the few people in this world born like this... Now with the help of finding this site, I've really accepted who I am and have tried to fit into the rest of the world.... okay, 4" heels aren't easy to blend with most of the cities I've been in, but that hasn't stopped me.

Now my purges are limited to deleting all of my 'watch' items on the bay store, cus I know I can't afford them and the other reason is either I'm losing weight and that dress just won't fit me or I can't see a time/place that I'll ever wear that outfit.... So it's more of a refresh of the wardrobe instead of purging....

Renne.....

[Allisa]

Guilt I guess but I can remember being angry at myself for not being a man(men don't wear panties,dresses,skirts and so on).Good thing was my wardrobe was a mis-mash of clothing articles,bits of make-up etc..once I accepted my CDing and Femme self no urge to purge,take a vacation from dressing yes but these times get shorter and shorter as I get older and older.

Lisa

[Jilmac]

If I had a dollar for every time I purged, I would be able to afford a quite elegant wardrobe. Most of my purges were not so much guilt, as they were fear. Even though my wife knew about my dressing, she never approved so there was a constant fear of getting caught and having to go through all the negative comments from her. Now that I'm out, there's no more fear and on need to purge.

[Cheryl T]

Lucky you Suzy...never wanting to purge. Wish I could say that and wish I could have back all the lovely things that were tossed over the years before I came out to my wonderful wife.

[JenniferMBlack]

I have downsized many times, but never totally purged. the downsizing came with a move or life change when I just couldn't keep everything. So I selected what I wanted most and got rid of the rest, not even just clothing so it isn't so hard in that respect but thankfully I don't have to do it any tiome soon. Although I do need to clean out the closet might be getting rid of some thing there.

[Beverley Sims]

I had someone purge for me years ago, involuntarily.
All it does is give you an empty feeling, depression and a gross waste of money.
Forget those irreplaceable items you liked.
I would never purge myself.

[Patricia Jane]

When we moved from No.Va., to NC. I purged everything! Looking back on it, I should have never done so. It has taken years to catch up. I started all over again. I thought I could give up cross dressing, but I was wrong. I enjoy it too much to give it up. When not working I would rather wear woman's clothes,they fell better and look nicer than anything else.

[Amy Fakley]

I've purged so many times ... the curious thing about the experience (at least to me) is that always feels so right at the time. The feeling to me is always like "ok, I'm finally putting this sh*t behind me, today is the first day of the rest of my life ... blahblahblah". In the moment it feels utterly, completely like the right thing to do ... and I really feel good about the decision ... for a week or two.

Self-acceptance is a wonderful thing, it's the wall between here and there that's a real biatch getting through :-)

[Adrienna]

Wow! I'm new here and this site has been extremely fascinating, comforting and stimulating. I understand all about purging for multiple reasons as mentioned by all of you. Been there, done that...so the saying goes. It is a wastenot only materialistically but emotionally as well. Each time I did purge many feelings/emotions washed over me from mixed feelings of regret and to the other extreme afeeling of "Whew!", good riddance, but alas here I go again. I have come to realize that crossdressing is a part of me and it will not go away. So done. I'm now rebuilding my wardrobe as funds permit and I will not purge again. I am happy to say, it's a part of me, enjoy it and have fun with it!!! My main goal now with Cd'ing is to meet like-minded individuals and hopefully participate in private discreet parties. I wish all well here and say, "NO!" to purging, LOL

[suzy1]

I wish all well here and say, "NO!" to purging, LOL

So we have convinced you then, yes?

Welcome to the forum by the way.

[Anita Luken]

OMG! I have purged many times and I deeply regret doing it. I have nostalgic moments where I think of the really cute clothes I wish I still had that are not available today. I especially remember several really nice dresses that lookded so good on me and swished so nicely when walking. Lot's of cute undergarments went by the way also. Sigh. You can't go back though.