My father's brothers.

[Sarah Melviden]

My father passed away 12 years ago, from brain cancer that technically rendered him unable to raise me for the duration of my childhood. Three of his four brothers stepped in, to raise me, together, and as a result, I had as happy of a childhood as one tormented by gender dysphoria throughout can have.

I hid my gender dysphoria, from them, well. I made the effort to change my life for the better at every step of the way, by pushing to be removed from the all-boys high school at which I felt very out of place, graduating from the public coed high school where I later found sanctuary, and even graduating from a trade school with my associate degree when certain problems caused me to fail out of the college I'd started at.

The desire to have SRS has been expressed to only one of the three. I have told my mother, as well, who thought it might be a good idea for me to move away from the family to keep from putting them through the pain of the transition (Initial reaction: "I really think you need to find your own place."), and I have agreed.

The uncle whom I informed of my decision immediately launched into a lecture about accepting the gifts God gives us, and not making permanent changes to our bodies in an attempt to be something we were not meant to be.

The first uncle whom I informed of my joint decision with my mother for me to move out called me last night, saying that I was making the biggest mistake of my life, and was *insulted* that I would not tell him any part of my reason for even going, which was because I didn't want to put him through any of what I'm going through. I told him, "That which has been heard and seen cannot be unheard and unseen. If I tell you of the thing which drives me to leave, it may shock you, and I don't want the additional burden of having put anyone else through my pain. It's not fair, as it is, that I go through this, and it would be double-unfair to ask your support in something of which you know nothing." This phone call prompted me to fully cry for the first time in 12 years.

Outside of the circle of friends with whom I am moving in, no one seems to understand enough to care, nor care enough to try to understand. I am fairly used to being the "weird one" in the family, but I've never been yelled at by either of those uncles before now. This cements, in my mind, that I have no support system here at "home."

I don't know what I'm asking, in terms of advice. I guess I'm just reaching out with the hope that someone reads this.

[Annaliese]

Tel you Uncle that care enough to be hurt that you are moving a way. I may not support you but he has the right to know why you are moving. You are not alone, trust in his love.

[Sarah Melviden]

I may not support you but he has the right to know why you are moving.

I sincerely doubt that simply outing myself to my uncle on the premise that "he loves me and by virtue of that will understand" is even logical. I came out to one of the three, and he not only stands in opposition to my move, but called me out as unfaithful to my God for wanting to change my body in a "drastic, permanent manner." The phobias, sexism, racism, classism, etc. all run rampant in my family. I will never be truly accepted by them with the things I feel inside that make me so different. My mother and father adopted me, and my mother and one distant cousin are the only ones who seem to understand any of this, at all, and my mother is still opposed to the surgery. I don't know how else to put the fact that your statements are a bit off-putting.

I apologize if this sounds harsh. I was trying to type it while on the phone with the third of those uncles, just now, who called to try and garner more information from me about the move.

[Lorileah]

I told him, "That which has been heard and seen cannot be unheard and unseen. If I tell you of the thing which drives me to leave, it may shock you, and I don't want the additional burden of having put anyone else through my pain. It's not fair, as it is, that I go through this, and it would be double-unfair to ask your support in something of which you know nothing."

So you made an assumption that just because one uncle could not handle it, the rest would follow? And then when another uncle asks if you will share you abruptly tell him to buzz off. Then you want support. You pretty much have burned your bridges here and now you will have to repair what you can. We understand your feeling alone, but since you are here you know you are not alone. But family is forever. All the support you can get here is nothing like the support you should get from your family. Maybe he would have given you the same answer as the other uncle, but then again maybe he would have stepped up and said even though he knows "nothing" (why would you even say that?) he would help you and support you. He did after your dad died right?

I would suggest you meet your uncle somewhere and discuss what you are doing with him. I will also assume you are still young and you really need to start working out your own issues before you jump into the Transition pool. You need to start trusting someone or you will live a long and lonely life

[kimdl93]

I think you may as well be honest with your uncles. They were there when you needed them. Now, at least allow them the courtesy of explaining yourself. Its up to them to decide if they'll understand and accept what you say. Understanding and acceptance may not happen all at once. It may not happen at all. But at least you will have tried.

[Sarah Melviden]

Very well. I will tell my Uncles what I am planning to do with my life.

I suppose that putting myself out there to strangers is considered a form of asking to be ridiculed for perceived trust issues. I will be more careful in the future. Thank you.

[KellyJameson]

Hi Sarah and welcome

I do not know what family dynamics you are dealing with on your end but usually I recommend caution when there is any risk to your being attacked by being honest until you can confidently assume you will survive this attack

Think of an attack as anything against your body such as physical violence or anything against your mind such as telling you that you are sick,evil a sinner or any other negative messsage.

If there is risk to you of an attack from others for you doing what you need to do to be a whole complete person than I would recommend you first position yourself to be independant physically and psychologically before you risk being transparent about who you are.

Every adult carries inside their minds a reality of what is true or false, right or wrong,moral or immoral and they will protect this reality aggressively because when it is challenged it makes them afraid.

In a family there is usually strong undercurrents of guilt and shame operating so when you tell them you are TS they may feel like they "caused" this and so will be judged by others by your behavior. It is called collective shame and is almost always an element of human behavior.

I believe timing is important when you are TS concerning who you tell and when but first you must be safe because very few people can lovingly accept hearing that someone they are related to is TS. This causes a very strong knee jerk reaction in 99% of the population.

How we handle disclosure will decide if we burn bridges or build bridges because it is always about fear and fear must be handled very very carefully.

[Sarah Melviden]

KellyJameson, do you or anyone else think it would be wise for me to move to my "new safe place," where I have friends who know about and accept me as gender dysphoric, and then possibly open up to my family about it? I don't wish to cut them out of my life, forever, and have already determined to visit them, from time to time, because I love them.

I do not believe it would be wise for me to remain in the area at this time. My uncles are already upset with me, for the move, alone. I am already butting heads with them about what is right about going to a new home where I feel safe from hurting my family or potentially being hurt by them (especially on my mother's side, where I already feel fairly hated by some members of the family who have no idea what I'm going through).

[KellyJameson]

I cannot give you specific advice about what to do because I know so little about you or your life and the danger to you would be in giving you advice that you take that could harm you and I always try to be extremely careful in offering advice because of this.

The only thing of value I can hope to offer is sharing what I have learned about people but for every rule there is an exception so it is difficult to know how people will react by your telling them you are TS.

Some will hate you and others will accept you and in many cases it has little to do with you and everything to do with them.

Some people are so filled with hate,ignorance and fear it is impossible to ever touch their hearts because they do not have one to touch.

It is very difficult to see our families with clear eyes because to think badly of them is in some ways to think badly of ourselves because they are us and we are them.

It is my fear that you may not recognize a danger coming from your own family because your own heart is involved.

Try to step back and see them as if they are not related to you. Look at their behaviors and apply these behaviors to other people and if you found in others what you find in your family how would you feel about these people.

If you have not been allowed boundaries growing up where they wanted to know every aspect of your life than it can be very difficult to learn that privacy is important to mental health so by creating boundaries you are setting up rules in your mind that guide you and set limits to what others can do to you. Rules that you live by for your protection from others.

Protection on every level not just physical safety.

A great deal of harm can be done by people who say they love you because of their concept of what love is.

There is an aspect of ownership that families often bring to relationships where they treat you as property and not as a flesh and blood human being with feelings so you become an extension of their own needs while they violate your own.

Privacy is how we protect ourselves from people who will not protect us from them and you always have a right to protect yourself if others fail at protecting you from them and this is an aspect of self love.

Always personal empowerment is best in relationships because this allows the choice to leave if you are being abused.

Personal empowerment is the degree that you can take care of yourself financially and in every other aspect so you reduce the potential for unhealthy dependancies that imprison you in relationships that are harmful.

To reach this point takes a great deal of work and imagination so will not happen overnight and requires a persistent patient movement of personal development.

Being TS hugely complicates the process because you are fighting so many problems at once.

Many on this forum are old enough that they can look back over their lives and realize how close they came to going under through suicide,drugs,alcohol and the thousand and one other ways we try to escape the pain, terror and self hate of life.

Share your story so people learn about you because the more they know the better their advice will be. Use the forum as a resource to learn and hopefully make friendships because we are all here huddled together trying to survive the storm and make our lives the best they can be in such trying circumstances as they are.

The most important thing you can learn is that you are not broken and that there is nothing wrong with you. Nature has been creating us since the beginning of time and as you move through this and become everything you can be you will than discover your unique gifts because of how nature created you but this takes time, effort and belief in the value of your own life.

[Sarah Melviden]

I will take all of your advice to heart, as it makes sense to me. This is not to say it will be exactly followed.

For now, I decided to go a different route, by having my mother, who only barely understands any of this, call and speak with my most aggressive uncle on the phone. They reached the understanding, together, that she is okay with my move, and therefore, to quote that uncle, "We should have talked to you, first, (Mom's name). Tell (my current legal name) that if he wants to move out and become 'Sarah,' as long as you are okay with it, we are, as well."

Edit: I only just realized the irony in this, because it was my mother's initial opposition to the surgery that led to me moving, to begin with. I now may rest at ease at night, knowing my mother fully supports me, and that my uncles will be there for her.

[Barbara Ella]

Sarah. Time heals wounds, and I feel like these people who have been so close to you feel wounded by an unexpected/unexplaned move. Given time, you Mom has gained an understanding, and is in your corner. I do not know the dynamics of each uncle, but i would think that one does not speak for all, and eventually, after you get moved and settled, you can inform them. At that time you will have more confidence, and feel more self assured, having been away from the pressure for some time. Only you will know if/when you will ever do this. i hope eventually you feel comfortable enough to feel that they can be educated enough to realize you are living the life you must live.

Barbara

[Chickhe]

From my experience, telling someone you can't tell them insults them and causes more burden than actually telling them... How would you feel if you later found out the reason why and you could have offered support?....you will loose respect from even the people who might decide to help you. Do not run and hide, doing so you loose everryone, tell them and you loose only the people who choose to leave you. You should frame it right though... tell the people you really care about because you respect them, but don't expect them to agree... you want to go away feeling good that you were honest and open... I think if you don't you will feel like you will always need to hide...

[Michelle.M]

I think you may as well be honest with your uncles. They were there when you needed them. Now, at least allow them the courtesy of explaining yourself. Its up to them to decide if they'll understand and accept what you say.

Yes, this is the right thing to do!

I recently came out to my brother, whom I was certain would reject me. I was pleasantly surprised that he did not and was even somewhat supportive (although he does not yet fully understand what's going on).

Imagine how hurt these men will be, men who raised you and were there for you when you needed them, only to find out later on what was going on with you. Some other family member will eventually tell them and they'll wonder why you felt they didn't deserve to hear this from you, especially after all they did for you.

People will either accept or they won't. Get used to that. Stay away from those who mean you harm, but you may be surprised that more people will accept you and even support you than you thought. That's how it's worked out for me.