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Thread: 15 years of CDing has left me empty and alone

  1. #1
    male lesbian girlygirly's Avatar
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    15 years of CDing has left me empty and alone

    I finally realized this doesn't work for me, and that it is time to back out slowly. I've never tried to pass and haven't come out intentionally to anyone but one close female friend. So glad for that, anyone who never asked while they had a chance will probably never get that chance. Time to put the genie back in the bottle, I'm a guy and would rather live as one.

    I think I can turn back, the pain and confusion of living a life I can't share has finally come to a screeching halt, though. I don't see myself purging, that would be difficult because I don't have anything truly male to wear. There will also be issues with things like underwear and such. I don't really like boxers, briefs or going commando. I was able to get where I am now, and can only hope I somehow managed to leave a trail of bread crumbs so I can find my way back

    I'm just going to back away from this. There are parts I will miss greatly, but the ability to put this away will give me the confidence to go places I haven't gone in years, like on a date for instance. So much easier not to anticipate a time where I might need to tell, and it may be easier to explain a life I walked away from if I ever feel a need to.

    Thanks to all who post here, I really have learned a great deal from all of you. I probably will be back to visit from time to time. I also realize that many find a way to make it all work for them, but I don't think I will ever be able to get there.

  2. #2
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    I have a big shoe fetish. its a lot better alternative till i meet a woman thatll understand me. I eventually started to dress and i felt the same emptyness when i hid it. since I came out, most dont assume im gay, which i am straight. I just like to dress. Dating tough is really difficult tough. I just tell right away. just get to know jeff, ill keep jen hidden. If a woman cant accept as i come out right away, then oh well. i dont expect a woman to go out with me as jen and i clearly explain that.

  3. #3
    Member MonctonGirl's Avatar
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    I admire your courage and hope that things work out for you.
    I recommend you don't come back to visit even when stressed ( which is the likely time you would ).
    Ignore those who try to justify your dressing and want you to stay - they are trying to help but
    you have figured out that you will be better off being a man 100% of the time and will get what
    you want because of that. Took you a while to figure it out and that seems to be right for YOU.
    Just turn your back on this and never look back. It seems that's what you need to do for YOU.

    Mind you, I am sure you would be welcomed if you did want to return so don't take that the wrong way. lol

    PS. Perhaps men's spandex sports boxer briefs would be right for you.

    Best to you, Sir.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    ai hope it works out for you and you are happy. I wish I could do the same but I cannot because this really is me. I have fought with it for 50 years and I just decided I cannot deny who I really am. We are all different, but I understand the loneliness. Do what works for you.
    All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?

  5. #5
    Super Moderator DAVIDA's Avatar
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    Good luck with your decision.
    Just remember, no matter what you wear, it will not change who you are.
    Last edited by DAVIDA; 12-10-2012 at 07:29 AM.

  6. #6
    Miss Conception Karren H's Avatar
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    Walking away and not purging seem to be mutually exclusive.... imho.... like dieting with a big chocolate cake in the fridge?
    Current Obsession - Breasts and Lingerie!

    .......My Photos

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    I wish you luck with making the break, may it all work out well for you.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  8. #8
    Silver Member stephNE's Avatar
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    I also want to wish you the best. You have my support on what ever road life takes you. Steph
    Last edited by stephNE; 12-10-2012 at 12:18 PM. Reason: misspelling
    Stephanie

  9. #9
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    The choices you have made with respect to how you have integrated your CD'ing into your day to day life are what leaves you empty & alone, not the CD'ing in and of itself. But there are things in your post which seem to be contradicting. You suggest no one in your life really knows about this side of you, yet you own no male clothing. Even if your choices of women's clothing have been rather androgynous, don't think others have not perceived something as being a bit off.

    Regarding dating, if you haven't done this of late out of fear of eventual disclosure, then that is on you, not the CD'ing. But again, a lack of male clothing in your wardrobe might make dating a more interesting prospect to start with given your choice not to own who you are.

    Perhaps you are making the right choice because what you describe in your life right now is nothing short of limbo driven by fear. Best of luck, if your desire to quit is like what many others have described, your plan not to purge is a smart one (yet it gives you an easy out to this whole thing, another contradiction IMHO).
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  10. #10
    Life is for having fun. suzy1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Karren Hutton View Post
    Walking away and not purging seem to be mutually exclusive.... imho.... like dieting with a big chocolate cake in the fridge?
    You don’t take any prisoners do you Karren

    But I have to agree with you.

  11. #11
    Senior Member Jenny Doolittle's Avatar
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    No matter what you wear, I hope you find happiness.

  12. #12
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    Hi Girly , I wish you luck But crossdressing is like the Mafia , You just cant quit.
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  13. #13
    Miss Conception Karren H's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by suzy1 View Post
    You don’t take any prisoners do you Karren

    But I have to agree with you.
    Never..... the ones I took got into the fridge and ate all my chocolate cake!
    Current Obsession - Breasts and Lingerie!

    .......My Photos

  14. #14
    Breakin' social taboos TGMarla's Avatar
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    I think I understand how you feel, and if this is indeed a sincere endeavor for you, then I wish you success, happiness, and the very best. However, I also agree with Karren and Sara on this one.

    Good luck to you.

    Any money found in the laundry is MINE!


    "This is no social crisis....this is me having fun!"

    www.flickr.com/photos/tgmarla/

  15. #15
    Gold Member Cynthia Anne's Avatar
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    I think Karren is right here! It's like trying to back up with with the parking brake on!
    If you don't like the way I'm livin', you just leave this long haired country girl alone:

  16. #16
    Silver Member linda allen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by girlygirly View Post
    I finally realized this doesn't work for me, and that it is time to back out slowly.
    If this is truly what you want to do, I believe you can do it and I wish you the best. Don't listen to those who say it can't be done, if you want it badly enough, you can do it.
    [SIGPIC]http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=82706&dateline=137762 0356[/SIGPIC]Linda

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Karren Hutton View Post
    Walking away and not purging seem to be mutually exclusive.... imho.... like dieting with a big chocolate cake in the fridge?
    And coming to visit this forum? An acolholic visiting his old favorite bar, just for good times sake? Doesn't make sense.

  18. #18
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    It all comes down to, if some of us are still single, we have to be male mode in different areas if we want to date. Since I like bi women and transgender, dating shouldn't be a problem for me when I am ready. No one likes a downer nor anyone that is unhappy. FOR 30 YEARS I. HAD AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, BIG TIME! This is mainly because I was suppressing the real me and I have just learned this. The more I come out and dress, Jeff seems happier to, when Jeff. We have to really explore our true selves and just be our selves, be happy with our selves and number one, JUST MAKE NEW FRIENDS. I know the rest will all come together. I do wish you the best. there a lot of CDs on this site I would love to go on a date with and especially someone in transition, which is a defiant possibility I want to explore. to thy own selves be true, just keep an open heart and mind. till next time, I have all of my pretty shoes that makes me happy and a female or someone special will come in my life that will appreciate this. time and places and people will balance out as we are true to our selves.

  19. #19
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    I understand what girly is feeling. Friends, family, acceptance and belonging are all important parts of being happy. The more I dress the more alienated I become from others, cause I'm also in the closet. Dressing full time while staying home can only lead to feeling completely alone. This will most likely turn to boredom, depression and could cause a bit of mental illness.

    I suggest some positive thinking no matter what your decision is. You might want to try stepping out in another town to see if you feel OK around other people while dressed. If you really do quit CDing, you'll need a new hobby (habit) to replace it. Maybe try something that you always had interest in, but never got around to?

  20. #20
    My Ship has sailed? Barbara Ella's Avatar
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    I do wish you all the luck you can muster. THis will not be easy, as you have a lot of time imvested into setting up your psyche. You do seem to have some contradicitons you will seriously need to work through. Please don't get upset if this change does not feel right immediately. You will need to try to give it sufficient time to have moved away from where you were. If you have doubts, you need to seriously line out what exactly did not work for you. There may be only one part of your dressing that does not satisfy you.

    Luck, Barbara
    He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
    - Friedrich Nietzche -
    I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.

  21. #21
    Member NyssaF's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by girlygirly View Post
    and haven't come out intentionally to anyone but one close female friend. So glad for that, anyone who never asked while they had a chance will probably never get that chance. Time to put the genie back in the bottle, I'm a guy and would rather live as one.
    Good luck! No one here is trying to be a jerk when we suggest that you might end up right back where you were. There are a lot of us who have lived it, and we're just sharing. I have been there myself, swearing to myself that I am done, that it was time for me to stop "playing" and be a man. I went 10 years without dressing, figuring that I had put it away forever.

    However, over those 10 years I still would find myself wanting to dress, but then I'd deny that I had even thought that. I'd see a dress or skirt that really caught my attention, and would give myself a metaphorical smack on the back of the head to snap myself out of it. After a few years, I started sneaking in a read on a CD forum (before I found crossdressers.com). One night I put on one of my wife's skirts. I went a couple more years, and then I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

    Support does help a lot, of course. My wife grudgingly accepts this (she knew before we got married). My three bestest friends (all women) in the world know an actively support me. Some of the pics I've posted here were taken by one of them (B), S gives me makeup advice whenever I ask. T goes to local CD meetings with me. It was scary as hell to open up about it, but the love and support I've received more than made up for that terror.

    I am still closeted, though, and can only dress here at home or at the CD meetings. And I readily admit that there are times when I feel lonely. Like I say, I've been there before. I wish you lots and lots of luck. And two bits of advice: 1) Spend a lot of time thinking about who you are inside. 2) Be true to who you are inside.

  22. #22
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    In the end, this is up to you. But have you considered that there may be other factors in your life that have left you feeling lonely and empty. Perhaps you should look into some counseling to address the origins and contributors to these feelings.

  23. #23
    Aspiring Member JulieK1980's Avatar
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    I can relate to this. The other day, I decided I wouldn't get any older.

  24. #24
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
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    If the CDing stops your personal growth such as keeping you from becoming confident than I think you are wise to set it aside because it sounds like you were using it to escape life instead of discovering life and through this discovery yourself.

    For many Cding is a journey inward not because they are running away from something but because they are running toward something.

    It is difficult when you are doing it to know the difference between running away or running toward (inward) and probably for many it is a little of both.

    Life insists on balance and when we are out of balance life punishes us with pain to push us back into balance and your words sound like the CDing was throwing your life out of balance because it was preventing you from having other experiences that you need.

    Each person has a natural balance between extroversion and introversion that is comfortable for them that decides how much they want and need to be with others and how much they want and need to be alone.

    For some CDing is a solitary experience but if your natural balance is toward extroversion than you will set yourself up for the pain of being out of balance because you need to be with others but want the CDing to remain in the shadows.

    Much of the pain of CDing comes from society trying to suppress it causing conflict for those who want and need to spend more time with people than they are but don't because of the CDing.

    In a sense CDing is having a relationship with yourself and relating to other people is having a relationship with yourself through other people so CDing and relationships are the same thing done in two different ways with the individual trapped in the vise slowly being squeezed.

    Life is not so much a path but an experience that comes from walking many paths at once that we continually step on and off of so constantly are changing our experiences.

    Sometimes CDing is experienced as an addiction so it comes with the fear of addiction because you feel it controls you instead of you controlling it but truly it is not really about control or addiction but simply a tool to experience life with among many tools available.

    It becomes a problem than when you do not have enough tools to experience life with so have to depend on only one or two which feels like addiction so creates fear.

    Go out and develop other tools to create other experiences by the greater choice you have from the larger inventory of tools available to choose from.

  25. #25
    Silver Member linda allen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kimdl93 View Post
    In the end, this is up to you. But have you considered that there may be other factors in your life that have left you feeling lonely and empty. Perhaps you should look into some counseling to address the origins and contributors to these feelings.
    That's the answer to the question you didn't ask, but Kim is right, there are probably other thing keeping you lonely, not just the crossdressing.
    [SIGPIC]http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=82706&dateline=137762 0356[/SIGPIC]Linda

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