Investments in Identity

[Elizabeth Ann]

Identity is such a slippery concept, and yet it seems to rule our actions. In many ways, we are, and behave, as who we think we are. But there are so many dimensions of identity that we have to embrace only a few. Who are you? You are a spouse, or a parent, or a professional, a member of a religious or political group, or none. You are part of a web of friends. Perhaps you are dedicated to a philosophy of life. All of us must chose what is important to our identity, the parts in which we are willing to invest our limited energies and emotions.

Including gender.

I have been thinking a lot about identity lately, and recent events in my life have given me a small epiphany about gender and identity. Some of you may remember that I have a 22 year old child that came out this year and is transitioning to female. It has been difficult for my wife, and frankly I have been surprised at how difficult it has been for me, a crossdresser, as well.

I think it is about our investment in gender. I am tall and I like my muscles, but I have never been particularly macho. I choose to invest my limited identity resources elsewhere. I think that is why, later in life, I could drift into crossdressing. It did not really clash with a key component of my identity. For my child, however, gender apparently is near the center of her identity. It is so key that she is willing to endure the pain and effort of transition. That gender is so important as to rule your actions so completely is a foreign concept to me.

On the surface, my child and I may seem similar. But in reality, we are opposites. Gender is of such little importance to my identity that I can be fluid in my gender. Gender is of such great importance to her identity that she must be fluid in her gender.

What about your identity? How much of it do you have invested in gender?

Liz

[bridget thronton]

I am a teacher - it is clear that that dominates my personality (both positively and negatively). Gender not so much - but teacher are nuturers so perhaps some elements of gender (but I resist projecting stereotypes on either males or females)

[Kate Simmons]

It is what it is. I try not to think too deeply about it in terms of anything absolute. The most important part is being who I am as a person but also accepting that and taking responsibility for my own actions. Whatever choices I make, I must be prepared to deal with the outcomes, good, bad or indifferent.

[Jessica Who]

I just express however I'm feeling that day -- whether that's masculine or feminine, it seems to change at a moment's notice

[Foxglove]

Gender questions have come to the fore for me lately--mainly because my perception of myself has changed and has become tied up with such questions. At bottom, though, I haven't changed. Certain aspects of my personality are now becoming visible. But within me there's a core that hasn't changed and never will.

I think this should reassure certain people who are close to me. They're getting to know things about me they never knew before, but they'll also find that in most ways I'm still the same person they've always known. I think perhaps it might be hard for them to realize that they don't have any ownership rights over my identity. I wouldn't put it like that to them, of course, but I think that's what it amounts to.

Annabelle

[Frédérique]

What about your identity? How much of it do you have invested in gender?

[SIZE="2"]I’m an artist – that is my identity, and I see it as an expression of incorporated gender. I feel that all artists, M or F, are hybrid beings that straddle (or skirt) the boundaries of gender, and they, for the most part, explore (or challenge) those imaginary boundaries through their artwork. Artists invest in sensuality, or their own sensibilities...

This country seems to make a big deal out of GENDER, and gender issues, as if it is a concept separate from sex. Doesn’t this arise from insecurity, a group-induced psychosis that trickles down from the guilty conformist authority? Sex is no big deal in other countries, but America is very uptight about things that should be freely discussed or experimented with. That may or may not be off topic, but why make gender distinctions with your child? Why not do something really profound, and downright revelatory, by seeing past gender? A valuable lesson learned, I think...
[/SIZE]

[AllieSF]

I understand what you are saying and can only imagine what it must be like for a CD father to have a TS daughter. For me, since I don't .... yet .... see a gender identity issue in my future, I am me, a male who has certain interests and hobbies or other activities, one of which is dressing up as a woman whenever I want. Since the crossdressing is relatively new to this old soul, about 6+ years, I do spend a lot of time exploring, enjoying and focusing on it. I can flow relatively easy between gender presentations and at the same time between how others may identify me.

You said the one "must" chose what is important to our identity. I think that it may be true for some people but not all. I made a lot of decisions in my life that affected my identities. For example, I chose engineering as my major in college not to obtain an engineer identity, but rather to fulfill a desire to live and work around the world to experience different cultures. So, by making that decision to pursue a certain career, I earned the right to be identified by others, and myself sometimes, as a professional in the engineering and construction industry. Some people just go through life without making those types of decisions regarding identity. Now, when you get to transgendered individuals who are dealing with gender identity decisions, that is another matter and a not to common one at that.

"Gender is of such great importance to her identity that she must be fluid in her gender."

This sentence brings another question to mind. Why do you consider that your new daughter "must" be fluid in her gender? It would appear to me that because the physical does not match mental identity, she is being firm in her gender, definitely not fluid. It doesn't sound like she is flowing from one gender to another, when in fact she is hard wired in one gender identity, which was never outwardly identified nor recognized by others. She is not flowing but standing hard and form so as to be correctly identified. Some of us part timers are fluid as we move from male to female as we change garments.

[LilSissyStevie]

That's really an interesting question. I guess gender has always been front and center for me. When I was young I was kind of the school sissy so it was apparent to me that I was more like a girl was supposed to be than what a boy was supposed to be. I wanted to do "girl stuff" a lot more than I wanted to do "boy stuff." However, I never made the leap to thinking I really was a girl "trapped in a boy's body" although the thought did cross my mind. I just wanted to be a girl because it would be easier for me but knew I wasn't one. I thought I was a defective boy - sissy, fag, pansy, queer. That was my identity. I spent most of my life fighting it by throwing myself into hyper-masculine activities and trying to develop hyper-masculine attitudes. I was partly successful but had frequent relapses into effeminacy along with the shame and self-hatred that accompanies failure. Now in my advancing years, I can allow myself to follow my natural inclinations and indulge my genderqueerness and fluidity. I'm still a sissy but I rather like that part of myself now.

[Foxglove]

This sentence brings another question to mind. Why do you consider that your new daughter "must" be fluid in her gender? It would appear to me that because the physical does not match mental identity, she is being firm in her gender, definitely not fluid. It doesn't sound like she is flowing from one gender to another, when in fact she is hard wired in one gender identity, which was never outwardly identified nor recognized by others. She is not flowing but standing hard and form so as to be correctly identified. Some of us part timers are fluid as we move from male to female as we change garments.

I think this is a good point, Allie. For some of us our gender differs from our birthsex, so we seek out our gender, seek to confirm it. I personally don't regard my gender as fluid. For me there is a clear difference between my gender and my birthsex. I know all about my birthsex. It's my gender I'm exploring these days because I've discovered that that's where my happiness lies.

[Elizabeth Ann]

[SIZE="2"]I’m an artist – that is my identity, and I see it as an expression of incorporated gender. I feel that all artists, M or F, are hybrid beings that straddle (or skirt) the boundaries of gender, and they, for the most part, explore (or challenge) those imaginary boundaries through their artwork. Artists invest in sensuality, or their own sensibilities...

This country seems to make a big deal out of GENDER, and gender issues, as if it is a concept separate from sex. Doesn’t this arise from insecurity, a group-induced psychosis that trickles down from the guilty conformist authority? Sex is no big deal in other countries, but America is very uptight about things that should be freely discussed or experimented with. That may or may not be off topic, but why make gender distinctions with your child? Why not do something really profound, and downright revelatory, by seeing past gender? A valuable lesson learned, I think...
[/SIZE]

Freddy,
Thanks for the comments. I have known many artists, and I certainly agree that an exploration of sensuality is a core part of their artistic identity. For some, it does seem tied to gender, and for many it does not seem to me to be necessarily tied to gender, at least of the artist. But yes, sometimes the artist's lens includes gender (I remember seeing Michelangelo's sculptures in the Tomb of the Medici and thinking "those are men with breasts!")

Sex no big deal in other countries? How many women have been murdered for dishonoring the family? Why are American women considered especially loose?

I make gender distinctions with my child because she considers them important. I will assume that a slightly righteous disdain here is only my imagination and suggest that an attempt to understand something so important to her is as profound and revelatory as is looking past it.

You said the one "must" chose what is important to our identity. I think that it may be true for some people but not all.

I was probably a bit inelegant in my writing. There are an infinite number of facets that can be incorporated into our identity. We all must choose among them, as you did in your example.

"Gender is of such great importance to her identity that she must be fluid in her gender."

This sentence brings another question to mind. Why do you consider that your new daughter "must" be fluid in her gender? It would appear to me that because the physical does not match mental identity, she is being firm in her gender, definitely not fluid. It doesn't sound like she is flowing from one gender to another, when in fact she is hard wired in one gender identity, which was never outwardly identified nor recognized by others. She is not flowing but standing hard and form so as to be correctly identified. Some of us part timers are fluid as we move from male to female as we change garments.

I will not get into the semantics of the proposition that "transgender" implies fluidity in gender, nor into the debate whether it is "hardwired". In my child's case, she states that there was no gender dysphoria until college. She identified as a boy, and now identifies as a woman. That is all that I meant by "fluid."

[Rogina B]

Your "daughter" is very lucky to have a parent like yourself who is trying to better understand gender and all that goes with it. It really doesn't matter..just support each other!

[Beverley Sims]

I can only say give your future daughter all the support she needs.
She is young and pliable, hormones and other treatments should be eminently successful.
You should be happy not traumatized.

[Ms. Laura]

First, I want to agree with the others how lucky your daughter is to have a parent who even "thinks" about them so deeply rather than a knee-jerk reaction. I had a family member transition and well... you can guess how it went within the family.

However, the point of your post about identity and where gender falls in the list of priorities is fascinating. I must admit, I'll be up in the middle of the night thinking about this one. Gender is not central to my concept of self, really. I know I am male. However, my gender role is fairly central to my identity, i.e. father, husband, friend of guys. That's why I am in such internal conflict with my desire to play a different role sometimes. But, like you, I don't want to change my gender.

[suchacutie]

There is little doubt that I am bigendered and I don't want to lose either gender.

That's the easy part. I have many identities, joking that I lead 3 or 4 different lives beyond the gender issue. Husband and father top the list without a doubt...then chemist and musician and farmer...then carpenter and plumber.

Looking at it from that perspective, I think my gender identities are separate from that list. Tina flows in and out of the picture whether she's dressed as such or not.

[Ann Louise]

Hi Elizabeth - may I please interject an alternate approach to your question regarding "who am I?" I've been a practicing Buddhist for many years, and this question goes to the heart of my practice. This is not religion, but rather a secular philosophy of life that holds it is in the very quest to attempt to hold or fix "who we are" that we nurture the seeds of life-long dissatisfaction. Rather, we are the fluid sum of all the causes and conditions that are in effect at any point in our lives. This explains why you are not the "same person" you were ten years ago, or ten months ago, or really, ten minutes ago!

Many much more profound thinkers than I (and may I humbly add, not "religious" thinkers) have written on your exact question for more than 2500 years, and may I suggest that you look more into this philosophy? Following is a link to a short piece from a Sri Lankan newspaper. There are many hundreds of similar discussions on the net around the world. I merely hope to give you and my friends here a somewhat different way of considering "identity!" With lovingkindness, Elfin Skytower

http://www.sundayobserver.lk/2012/05/06/imp01.asp

[auto andrea]

we are the fluid sum of all the causes and conditions that are in effect at any point in our lives. This explains why you are not the "same person" you were ten years ago, or ten months ago, or really, ten minutes ago!

Yes! As we become socialized from birth, we become used to a false notion that there is a essence to each individual, but really what is happening when one self-identifies is that one is relating oneself to others in a particular style.

Regarding gender, whilst there is no doubt that biological sex is constituted in all of us by multiple variables along a threshold. To put it simplisitically, "gender" has genesis in differing bodies based on pysiological/sexual generalisations. It is substantially internalized within us in socialization, where masculinity and femininity have no meaning apart from how they relate to eachother. We don't have a degree of gender within us, rather there is the capacity to identify and invest in notions of gender, to feel affinities with notions of gender, and to feel alienated by notions of gender...