Came out to my fiancē

[Bonnie84]

We were lounging around talking. We were talking about the wedding and who we expected may or may not come. Two of my family members do not have invites. Which is a bit hard but it was my choice...well one was. The one that wasn't 100% by choice was my mom's brother. No one in the family seems to have reliable contact information.

We started to talk about my uncle, and how he became distant from the family. I mentioned this in an old thread but I'll summerize. My uncle came out to the family as TG/TS and he told them about his boyfriend. Now his sibilings and even their spouses could have been accepting. What started the rift was how he did it and timed it. He first told my ailing grandmother who had just come home from 6 weeks in the hospital by showing her pictures of himself en femme. This devistated her. It was this harm and poor judgement that caused the initial backlash. Eventually the family did try to bring him around more but he became more reclusive.

Any way, back to the main topic, we were talking about how becausive of this happening when I was young (13 +/-) I associated CDing with negetive emotions and it was a bad thing that could divide families. I went on to say that it was part of the reason I had such a hard time admitting it to myself.

She said she's not sure where this rabbit hole leads but we'll follow it together. She said she's not sure how she'll handle wigs! Make up, or shaving. I told her I would like to try the wigs and makeup and would like to try shaving my legs but that I'd be happy to leave my chest hair so that she can keep playing with it.
She has known about the panties and hose and she has been painting my toe nails. She did say that she thought it was just a fetish not something more.

The day after this was the hard one. She had time alone to think. To summerize the hour or so of tears.... she's worried that she loves me but may not love this part of me. She is most worried because she doesn't understand it. I just told her that I can't expect her to understand something about me that I don't fully understand myself.

We agreed that there are to be no surprises and that we will talked it one step at a time.

And then we napped in each others arms for a couple hours.

[Kerigirl2009]

I hope she can accept this side of you, and I wish you both the best of luck. If you start to experience the pink fog, then you might want to seek out your fiance or wife depending on when it happens. Its easy to say i will not go any further and then do a little smething new. Make sure you talk to her before you do it,so you dont experience what I have. Its hard to win that trust back from her especially cuz I view it as normal, but apparently she does not. Good luck

[ClosetED]

If she is interested in making this work, she will have questions. There are other websites with a much more biased set of people, so directing her here to read and ask questions (hopefully with you around at first) might be wiser. You are smart enough to take it slow and be honest.

[gabimartini]

Bonnie, for better or worse, I think you did the right thing. I wish I had been this forthcoming in my life about my CDing. Waiting to drop this bomb later in life, "x" many years into an otherwise stable marriage does not do much good. It causes a rift, a breach of trust that's hard to recover from. So, with time, patience, understanding and a lot of communication you guys have a shot at this. I wish you both the very best.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Bonnie, I can completely relate. Just came out to my wife after 12 years this past weekend and also just joined this forum. In retrospect I should have told her from the start. In my case I was lucky, but I felt guilty all those years hiding my desires from her. And to think of all the time I missed that I could have been enjoying heels and hose!

[kimdl93]

That's a good way to start. Of course she's unsure. But if you reinforce the fact that you are a complete person, and this is one part that makes you unique, she'll have a chance to grow in understanding and acceptance.

[Beverley Sims]

The foundations have been laid.
Now is the time for her to get used to it and do not take this as a cue to more readily dressing up.
Keep going very little at a time and only chip the veneer away as she asks questions and you are both discussing it quietly.
During a stormy argument "back off" and come back another day.

[Bonnie84]

Thank you all for the kind words. She was a little upset that it didn't come out sooner, but I explained that it was only very recently that I was able to come out to myself. I did ask her if she knew about it when we meet if we would still be getting married or would we have just been friends. She wasn't sure but she did grin knowing that we are were we are and we are in love.

I do want to educate her...and myself...more on CDing. I do want to kinda see what she reads before she does. I don't want her to start thinking that I'm into men or that I want hormones or surgeries because I don't.

Honestly, I think in the end she'll have fun with this. I think her biggest hurdle now is to learn that she may never really understand it (maybe I won't either) but that it is ok to not understand.

[Bree Wagner]

Bonnie,

Congratulations on having the talk, it must have taken a lot of courage given your history.

I think her biggest hurdle now is to learn that she may never really understand it (maybe I won't either) but that it is ok to not understand.

These are very true words, but time and love can do a lot and hopefully you can both get to a place you are comfortable. As I'm sure you're aware there are tons of great materials out there to help her learn more about corssdressing. If you need pointers to them I'm sure you'll be flooded with them just by asking.

Good luck on your journey of many small steps and I hope you have a wonderful wedding!

All the best,
Bree

[Danielle001]

Bonnie, your situation reminds me very much of mine a couple years back. I came out to my wife about my CDing a few months before we got married. We had dated for 7 years prior, and I always thought about telling her, but never did. But something finally came over me and I thought it was something that I needed to do before we got married. Telling her initially went better than expected, she was very accepting and comforting. I fell asleep that night feeling wonderful, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. But the next day was not so great.

After the news sunk in, she thought about it more and more. Had lots of questions, lots of fears. She would get emotional and upset. I felt like I was constantly on the defensive. It got so bad those next couple days, I thought I was going to lose her. I would go to work and not get anything done, just sit there. I lost my appetite, I had to to take sleeping pills just to get to sleep (and I normally have no problem falling asleep).

I had nowhere to turn besides seeing a therapist. Even after the first session, it really helped diffuse the situation and opened up the lines of communication between us. We continued to see the therapist and things started to get better. There were still moments of drama between me and my soon to be wife, but they became less and less over time. We were able to function normally as a couple, and we moved on with the wedding planning and had a wonderful wedding day! We soon stopped seeing the therapist, as we thought we could now handle it on our own and save the money.

Over the next year after the wedding, there were things that would set my wife off and get her upset, but they eventually became few and far between. We have now been married for 2 1/2 years. She knows that I dress, but is not involved. We don't really talk about it that much, but if I do bring it up, she is there to listen and no longer gets upset.

Our relationship, since the beginning, has been relatively drama free. So this whole situation was the ultimate test of our relationship. But we passed, and I think we are closer because of it. Although I would like to open up more to her about CDing, and maybe even have her involved someday. Time will tell.

Bonnie - I wish the best of luck to you and your fiancee. If she truely loves you, then she will accept you for who you are.

[terrydvs]

Just continue to be oopen and honest and let her decide if she wants to continue to be with you. It is only fair for the both of you.

[terrydvs]

Binnie, I agree with Danielle. Just continue to be honest so your fiancee can make choices and freelly choose what she will and will not accept in her life. Good luck.

[Barbara Ella]

Bonnie. Rest calmly knowing you did the right thing, regardless of the discomfort you may have for awhile. Guidance you have received here are well directed. Never try to be over involved in how she chooses to educate herself. you can't pre read everything, but you can let her know that whatever she reads, you will be more than glad to read and discuss. the key is that she knows you will always be there for her.

Barbara

[Alice B]

The hard thing is that it is quite an adjustment ofr her to make. The good thing is that both of you are talking about it and keeping communication open. That is important. There will be up's and down's, but both of you are off to a good start and foundation.

[Bonnie84]

Update

She's brought up the topic off and on over the last week or so. Last night was a deeper discussion on it. She keeps asking what do I want, and I don't really have a direct answer to that. I told her that we could explore it as a fetish since we've taken those baby steps already. She has bought me panther and hose to use with a little sex play.

The other point that she elaborated on is that she's not sure how safe she'll feel. I had a hard time wrapping my head around the word "safe". The best I can understand it is that Bryan makes her feel safe and secure and she's not sure if she can feel the same "around this new person".

She also apologized for the "delayed reaction" that I mentioned in the original post. I told her not to worry. This is something that's been on my mind off and on for over a decade. I've had time to mull it over and accept it. This is new to her and a surprise. A little shock and surprise is to be expected.

[kimdl93]

Give each other time to get adjusted and specimens slowly. Focus on her feelings, and to the utmost, on making the shared experience positive and pleasurable for her. Best of luck as the two of you grow together!

[AngelaKelly<3]

To my totally inexperianced brain, it sounds as if she is willing to accept this part of you, but just doesn't understand it 100% yet.

Get her on here and other websites like it, and she can ask some of the questions that are no doubt on her mind, explore some things and hear some of the amazing stories a lot of the members have here.

[heatherdress]

Crossdressing has tremendoulsy increased the intimacy of our relationship. My wife has been fully involved since I started dressing (had not dressed in past). Our discussions have brought us closer. She particpates and enjoys when I dress.

[Bonnie84]

To my totally inexperianced brain, it sounds as if she is willing to accept this part of you, but just doesn't understand it 100% yet.

Get her on here and other websites like it, and she can ask some of the questions that are no doubt on her mind, explore some things and hear some of the amazing stories a lot of the members have here.

That's pretty much it. I've mentioned the site to her. She knows I'm on it. I think as she learns more on her own she'll be more comfortable.

Crossdressing has tremendoulsy increased the intimacy of our relationship. My wife has been fully involved since I started dressing (had not dressed in past). Our discussions have brought us closer. She particpates and enjoys when I dress.

That's awesome. I've already noticed that our intimacy has increased just since we started talking about it. I can't think of anything more intimate than not having any secrets. I'm very happy for you Heather. I honestly think I could be just as fortunate...with a little time.