Merry Christmas Mum, I wear women's clothes.

[becky77]

I have just told my Mum this week about my Transgender. She was totally surprised but not shocked and was very grateful I had told her, she said suddenly it made sense of the problems I had as a child. She just hugged me and cried that I confided in her, wanted to see pictures and everything. Right now my Mum has taken it in her stride but I am shell shocked, I don't know why I have kept this secret so long only to tell her now. It has left me feeling vulnerable and confused, we are not that close because I have always kept my family shut out emotionally. To suddenly let her into my world is so weird for me I don't know how to handle it. To make it worse I haven't told my wife that my Mum knows. Right now my wife is grieving and is emotionally fragile, she is doing her best to handle my reemerging need to express my Becky side, so I keep it need to know.
I hate lying to her and now is not the time to tell her I have told my Mum, they don't get on. If I told my wife she would start to wonder 'why' I have told my Mum now, what it means and where am I going with this. I know she will wonder if I am starting to come out to the world and how that effects her. I have always said I would be honest with my wife but I need to protect her from this till she is emotionally stronger but the lying kills me.
I feel selfish and deceitful

[GaleWarning]

You don't say why your wife is grieving, but I imagine it is a personal loss she is dealing with. You are right to assume that now is not the time to burden her with more stuff that she will find difficult to cope with.

Personallly, I don't understand why so many on the forum feel the need to "come out". But then, I have always been a very private person and only those who needed to know are aware. Perhaps they have told others; if so, no-one has said anything.

There seems to me to be little reason for you to feel selfish and deceitful, becky. It seems to me that you are thoughtful and caring. When the time is right, you will know when to tell your wife. As for others people, do they really need to know?

[wantstocrossdress]

several christmases ago...
i cleaned our bathroom. we had a washing machine in there and underneath i hid some black pantyhose. i wore them, took a shower, and started cleaning with them on. mom knocked on the door demanding to come in and pee. i took off my hose, left them in the tub and let her in. she came in, sat down, did her business and called me to ask what was in the tub. i grabbed the wet hose, and told her they were rags. she exited and i resumed the cleaning, we did not fuss over it.

[Megan72]

Hi Becky;
This is really a crappy position to have to be in, but I do promote honesty. My SO had to come to grips with the fact that while I needed to protect her emotions I also had a need to have support for my issue. This was certainly a delicate time for the two of us to be in. I came out to a couple of people close to me, while my mother passed when I was very young I did come out to a woman who my father went to college with; she has always been Aunt Sue to me. she was incredibly supportive despite living 1000 miles from me. My SO wanted to know why i came out to her and I simply answered that I needed her to know that side of me and I needed to have another shoulder to lean on. I tell my SO everything but I did not want to always burden her with having to help me deal. Aunt Sue picked up the support and shoulder part and my SO could just then know what was going on and not have to make decisions about this side of me. Your SO has a right to know who in your life knows, and your mother was a good choice IMHO.

After this transitional time things have gotten so much better and all is well. Aunt Sue continues to be a huge support and my SO is perfectly fine with my fem side.

I really hope you can find some balance and be comfortable in yourself. You are not hurting anyone by being yourself but you will destroy yourself by hiding it from everyone and denying it to yourself. I wish you the best.
Megan

[becky77]

You don't say why your wife is grieving, but I imagine it is a personal loss she is dealing with. You are right to assume that now is not the time to burden her with more stuff that she will find difficult to cope with.

Personallly, I don't understand why so many on the forum feel the need to "come out". But then, I have always been a very private person and only those who needed to know are aware. Perhaps they have told others; if so, no-one has said anything.

There seems to me to be little reason for you to feel selfish and deceitful, becky. It seems to me that you are thoughtful and caring. When the time is right, you will know when to tell your wife. As for others people, do they really need to know?

A very close family death it will take her a while to feel strong again. I feel selfish because why did I feel the need to tell my Mum this now? I don't know how it happened either just a deep conversation where the timing felt right. As for why tell people? This isn't just anyone, I wanted my Mum to know me. I don't just wear women's clothes I have identity issues as well, so for me it feels that everyone who doesn't know, doesn't know the real me, I am tired of hiding half of my entire personality from people, most don't need to know I agree. But for my Mum it has bridged a gap that has been between us since my earliest memories, I have no idea how she will be with me after this now.

Hi Becky;
This is really a crappy position to have to be in, but I do promote honesty. My SO had to come to grips with the fact that while I needed to protect her emotions I also had a need to have support for my issue. This was certainly a delicate time for the two of us to be in. I came out to a couple of people close to me, while my mother passed when I was very young I did come out to a woman who my father went to college with; she has always been Aunt Sue to me. she was incredibly supportive despite living 1000 miles from me. My SO wanted to know why i came out to her and I simply answered that I needed her to know that side of me and I needed to have another shoulder to lean on. I tell my SO everything but I did not want to always burden her with having to help me deal. Aunt Sue picked up the support and shoulder part and my SO could just then know what was going on and not have to make decisions about this side of me. Your SO has a right to know who in your life knows, and your mother was a good choice IMHO.

After this transitional time things have gotten so much better and all is well. Aunt Sue continues to be a huge support and my SO is perfectly fine with my fem side.

I really hope you can find some balance and be comfortable in yourself. You are not hurting anyone by being yourself but you will destroy yourself by hiding it from everyone and denying it to yourself. I wish you the best.
Megan

Lol I was finding balance for the first time in my life, then I do this! I know my Mum will keep it secret and at the end of the day she is my Mum, not just anybody, however my wife is my world and I will have to tell her but in a way that doesn't hurt her in any way. I know it sounds petty compared to other peoples troubles, I just needed to share this with those who understand. Thanks.

[Claire Cook]

Hi Becky,

Thanks for sharing this. I think you are being too hard on yourself. Your relationship with your Mum is obviously very different from your relationship with your wife. IMHO, it's wonderful that your Mum has been so understanding -- she clearly had sensed your "differenece" for most of your life, and you must feel a great sense of relief to have come out to her. What makes it tough is the two of them apparently do not get along -- that would seem to be a problem even if you were not transgendered. Given your wife's situation, I would not open up to her about this, at least not yet. I don't think this is dishonest -- I see this as being respectful of her feelings at a time that is emotionally difficult for her. You've unburdened some guilt and anxiety by coming out to your Mum -- try not to let guilt about not telling your wife get to you too much. With time, I hope you can find a resolution to this situation.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Becky you did it doesnt it feel great to tell your mom.

[Marleena]

Isn't Christmas the time for sharing? You shared "your gift" with your mom and I'm glad it went well for you Becky.

[kimdl93]

Everyone needs a source of support and acceptance in their life. Who better than your mother. Confiding in her is not being deceitful to your wife.

Regarding your wife, is the emotional fragility you mentioned part of her response to your renewed need to express or come to grips with being transgendered? If so, then it seems that the path forward is to help her dig deeper into her feelings, find out what it is that so worries her. You also mention that she's grieving. I suppose in some sense, she has lost something, but over time perhaps you can help her realize that the thing she lost was an illusion - and that the real, complex, loving and caring person is still there for her.

[becky77]

Everyone needs a source of support and acceptance in their life. Who better than your mother. Confiding in her is not being deceitful to your wife.

Regarding your wife, is the emotional fragility you mentioned part of her response to your renewed need to express or come to grips with being transgendered? If so, then it seems that the path forward is to help her dig deeper into her feelings, find out what it is that so worries her. You also mention that she's grieving. I suppose in some sense, she has lost something, but over time perhaps you can help her realize that the thing she lost was an illusion - and that the real, complex, loving and caring person is still there for her.

Yes, she got used to me hiding it away and is coming to terms with my renewed 'need to express' as you put it. However in the midst of this the equivalent of her father died and she is devastated. She needs me to be strong for her now, not give her more worries.
Therefore I can't talk to her about this at the moment, hence I speak to my friends on here
I am protecting her but in doing so I am lying to her, a white lie but it sits heavy on me.

Becky

[eileendover]

Becky, maybe you were also reacting to the death in your wife's family. Death makes us realize that we may have unfinished business with those around us, and perhaps this was what prompted you to open yourself up to your mum. I can only imagine the comfort you felt from your mum after she surprised you with her acceptance of the whole you.

I think your wife would understand these feelings.

[DonniDarkness]

I feel selfish because why did I feel the need to tell my Mum this now?

Well becky, someone you love (your wife) just lost her daddy....maybe being there for your spouse has sparked the need to tell your mom. As in subliminally, you wanted to tell your mom before you lose her?

From reading your posts this is what i see from my end.

Telling your mom isnt being deceitful to your spouse, thats your decision, But lying to her is being deceitful. You need to come clean as soon as the opportunity arises. Your wife is in love with you, and being IN LOVE requires trust from both parties involved.

You have to trust her love for you and just be honest about where your going and why. Women do not like to be blindsided.

Glad your mom is so supportive BTW

best wishes,
-Donni-

[Beverley Sims]

You are not betraying your wife by confiding in your mother, eventually your wife will get rid of the weird feeling if she sees others accepting the situation.

[kimdl93]

Yes, she got used to me hiding it away and is coming to terms with my renewed 'need to express' as you put it. However in the midst of this the equivalent of her father died and she is devastated. She needs me to be strong for her now, not give her more worries.
Therefore I can't talk to her about this at the moment, hence I speak to my friends on here
I am protecting her but in doing so I am lying to her, a white lie but it sits heavy on me.

Becky

I'm very sorry for her loss. Its difficult to adjust to the loss of a parent. So I think you're right to not share the fact that you shared with your mom. You don't need her consent to talk with your mother...and your mom is probably the one person you get to have secrets with besides your wife. Once again, Becky, confiding in your mother is not a lie. If it sits heavy on you, that's kinda a self inflicted burden. You've got enough going on in your life without making yourself feel bad.

[GaleWarning]

I am sorry to learn that your wife has just lost her father. It's always tough, but doubly so if it happens around Christmas time.
I'm with DD on this one; I think that, without realising it, you are also deeply affected by his departure.
Again, I say, don't be hard on yourself.
Mutual support for each other is critical at this time; dealing with other issues must wait.
There is no need to feel selfish or deceitful right now, and absolutely nothing to be gained by agonising over that side of your life right now.
My condolences and very best wishes to your wife and to you at this sad time, becky.

[bobbimo]

Hi Becky,
Timing never does work when you want it to.
The best part is that your mum accepted Becky, and that load is off your shoulders.
As for your wife, You are going about things correctly. Nurture her and help her through her sorrow. The time will present itself in the near distant future when you can tell your wife about coming out to mum.
It might be a good idea to ask mum to keep the news under wraps until you have told the wife. Im sure she will understand

Happy New year.
Bobbi