Existential Crisis -- Help! Who Are You?

[Ariamythe]

I have been brooding in my office all afternoon and I have gone and had an existential crisis. I vented into my blog a bit, but it's still bothering me so I thought I'd ask you all a question.

How do you see the "real" you? When you dress up? When you take it off? Which name do you call yourself in your head when you're alone?

Thanks in advance. Aria needs a therapy session.

[ArleneRaquel]

I call myself Arlene. I see myself as a man living as a male who dresses as a woman, I really don't see myself as a lady, though I wish that I was. When I do see myself as a lady I do know who and what I'm really. It is so comforting to live & dress as a female. I hope that I made some sense.

[ReluctantDebutant]

I am me. I am always me. Even when I fantasize about the gourgous feamle body I sometimes want to have, it is only a shell. I love being the nerdy guy that I am no matter what.

[Kaz]

I get moments of tension I guess. For the last year or so I have increasingly seen myself as female on the inside of my head. I prefer to see ne dressed fully as Kaz and I grab every second I can to wear her clothes and feel more like her. Then I have moments where I think it has all become dangerously compulsive and I worry. Moments of sheer bliss to moments of self-doubt. But I know who I am really... and I call her Kaz!

[ArleneRaquel]

Kaz,
A marvelous posting. HUGZ!

[Angela Campbell]

I am the same person all the time. I am unhappy with my appearance a lot and want to look like a woman, but inside I am me, and I am female. I just do not look like it all the time.

And I never much liked the name my Mother gave me, but I use it to make her happy. I also sometimes look like a man to make others happy.

[Karren H]

The real me is naked..... what I wear doesn't define who I am.... only how I look....

[Ariamythe]

I call myself Arlene. I see myself as a man living as a male who dresses as a woman, I really don't see myself as a lady, though I wish that I was. When I do see myself as a lady I do know who and what I'm really. It is so comforting to live & dress as a female. I hope that I made some sense.

Will you hate me if I say it didn't? What I mean is, what you're describing is sort of how I'm feeling right now, only not. Ugh, so confused ...

[Ariamythe]

The real me is naked..... what I wear doesn't define who I am.... only how I look....

But what is your name? I know that sounds like an odd question, but that's where my mind is. I see so many people signing off as "Roger/Tina" or whatever, or saying "I was Roxanne yesterday," and I'm just wondering which is truth?

[ArleneRaquel]

Will you hate me if I say it didn't? What I mean is, what you're describing is sort of how I'm feeling right now, only not. Ugh, so confused ...

I never hate. Maybe this will be a better explanation. I want to be a seen as a woman, and I feel, usually, that I am a female,but reality says that I'm not, no transition here. I do want to be seen as a female and wish that everyone else would also.

[Julie Denier]

My signature pretty much sums up how I feel ...

[Staci K]

Hi Aria,

For myself, Nicole is a separate person than Tim - as if they are two distinctly different people. I've thought long and hard about this when I first started to explore the female side of my persona. I've found that I tend to cycle between the pink & blue fogs. I enjoy the time I spend in each mindset and I would not want to shed one side or the other. Thus why I consider myself bi-gendered.

When in the pink fog, Nicole loves getting girly, pretty things, etc. She has her own distinct likes & dislikes. She wishes her body wasn't so damn large - she'd rather be much smaller and petite. But she deals with it.

When in the blue fog, Tim likes being a guy. He likes driving a big truck and being large and intimidating. He enjoys playing in his woodshop, playing with tools, making sawdust.

Unfortunately, the pendulum seems to only sway one way or another. I'm trying to find some balance - eating healthier and losing some weight - Nicole would love to lose weight and it wouldn't hurt Tim to drop a few pounds. My wife tells me that some girls like to do woodworking too. I dunno though about blending my interests - something about wearing a skirt and pantyhose in my shop while woodworking just doesn't seem right - I think the sawdust would make a mess of my pantyhose.

Nicole

[Kate Simmons]

I have 4 names I go by when I send out my daily litany along with positive energy. I sign it by saying: " If what I have spoken is to be, let it become so.I am Alex(andra), I am Salandra, I am Richard, I am Ericka." This makes it formal and demonstrates I have balanced my male and female energies.

[2B Natasha]

How do you see the "real" you? When you dress up? When you take it off? Which name do you call yourself in your head when you're

I always " See " the real me. I am me. Whether I wear a dress or jeans. Heels or hiking boots. I can't be anybody else. What do I call myself in my head. I don't. I do not speak to myself in the third person in my head. There's no need. I know I'm thinking, not talking, to myself so there is no reason to parse it out to gender roles defined by name. When I take it off and I'm standing in my birthday suit in front of a mirror. I am still just me.

I did give my female presentation a name. Two actually. The first was Lisa. I like that name. Kind of bubbly and happy and fun. Laughs easy. But that isn't me. It didn't represent myself. You see. I discovered that since I am who I am. Regardless of clothes. It didn't fit. So I named my female self a more appropriate name. One that when people hear it they think about me more like I am.

But that is for their consumption. Not mine. I am me.

Cheers

[Gaby2]

... and now I'm in my next phase... I was a boy, timid and shy... I realised I liked girls... and wondered why... I experimented and discovered "something new" every now and again... throughout the years... you can use your imagination, but that was probably "something" quite similar to what you have been doing and/or going through, Ariamythe... I eventually escaped and admitted I liked dressing and feeling like a girl... since escaping, I don't mind being a boy who sometimes dresses like a girl... sometimes it's for fun... mostly it's because I need to...
Gaby

[Laura912]

I like Karren's response because both persona occupy the same body that goes about doing things associated with both genders. The desire to move between genders waxes and wanes depending on some mysterious force of the universe, perhaps the Higgs Boson particle.

[Ariamythe]

I've found that I tend to cycle between the pink & blue fogs. I enjoy the time I spend in each mindset and I would not want to shed one side or the other. Thus why I consider myself bi-gendered.

When in the pink fog, Nicole loves getting girly, pretty things, etc. She has her own distinct likes & dislikes. She wishes her body wasn't so damn large - she'd rather be much smaller and petite. But she deals with it.

When in the blue fog, Tim likes being a guy. He likes driving a big truck and being large and intimidating. He enjoys playing in his woodshop, playing with tools, making sawdust.

I saw this metaphor on your blog. It's a pretty good one. I'm feeling foggy today alright. But it feels more like John Carpenter's The Fog ... it holds dark secrets, and in the end, people died ... <spooky music here>

[CassandraSmith]

1. I'm a guy that strongly identifies with the desirable feminine behaviors and attributes.
2. I feel like I get to have a dialog with the X side of my genetics and explore all the positive things about being a woman.
3. I go back to my tasks and don't think about it much after that for a while.
4. Actually, I never use my name in my head. I only use it when talking to other people as an icon or more like a talisman that sums up all the facets of my secret self.

I think as I've gotten older, the question changed from "Who am I?" to "How can I help?" and "How can I evolve?"

[MarinaKirax]

I hadn't given it a thought until you asked. Then I wondered for a while, and I've decided that the problem is the question. Its not giving me an answer because it's wrong. Like asking 'Whats green about driveways?", or "How many squirrels constitute sadness?". The answer is "unask the question". I am not a student of Eastern philosophy, but there is something that applies; "the Tao that can be named is not the eternal Tao".

Names are a way of defining, pigeonholing us, and who I am when I am alone is unnamed. It is 'before names'. Pre-names. Other people use names to call me, refer to me, to relate to me. But I don't need to use a name when I'm alone. I'm my own consciousness. If I'm feeling girly, I'll probably imagine people relating to me as Marina, otherwise not.

Your crisis is that you're looking for a name for your pre-name state of mind. And now, grasshopper, it is time for you to leave the temple....
Cheers, MK

[JadeEmber]

Perhaps an appropriate quote:

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

— Oscar Wilde

So perhaps you are most you when you are dressed. Or perhaps not . From another point of view, when don't we wear masks in life? Have you ever actually experienced that?

Personally, I find the topic an interesting one, as people speak of dualities. I only really see myself as one person, although that person constantly changes.

Anyway, I could fill rooms with books of fiction and non-fiction in a quest to answer to that

[kimdl93]

I am the same person no matter how I happen to be dressed. I do see myself as a blend of male and female, in indeterminate proportions. I always feel somewhere in between, but when dressed, I feel that the inside and outside match a little better.

[Lady Catherine]

My two personalities have full blown conversations in my head.

[AmyGaleRT]

I am my male self and I am Amy, one and inseparable. The two are different aspects of myself. Both are valid. My clothing emphasizes one aspect or the other at any given time. But the one that dominates at any given time still feels the influence of the other. It sounds very mystical, but it's the best way I can describe it.

- Amy

[Jessica_M]

Fascinating question....
Until now, I didn't realize that when I'm in "male mode", I think a lot about my female person (Jessica)..... but the interesting thing is that when I'm dressed and in "female mode" I do not ever think about my male side.... I am so totally immersed and identify as the person I am as Jessica.
Someone mentioned in a thread that they noticed that "we" often refer to our female self in the third person. I had never realized that but I have done that also when commenting here. I realize that my female self is so important to me that I should never reference my female self in the third person.

Perhaps how we think about our male selves and our female selves is an indicator of where we are on our life path of understanding that we have a female self. The mind is a scary place... don't go there alone!!!
Thanks for posing the question... it really helps in understanding.

[Ariamythe]

I hadn't given it a thought until you asked. Then I wondered for a while, and I've decided that the problem is the question. Its not giving me an answer because it's wrong. Like asking 'Whats green about driveways?", or "How many squirrels constitute sadness?". The answer is "unask the question". I am not a student of Eastern philosophy, but there is something that applies; "the Tao that can be named is not the eternal Tao".

While I can see the insight in your response, I don't know if I agree with it. Naming has always been important to me. It confers certainty and familiarity. This whole thing for me is nameless, uncertain, and unfamiliar. Maybe I'm just scared to name it.

Your crisis is that you're looking for a name for your pre-name state of mind. And now, grasshopper, it is time for you to leave the temple....

I will give your view some serious thought. In my RL I often tell students that they need to think critically and be willing to accept that they don't have all the answers. Maybe it's time to heed my own words.