"I can never see you as a woman"

[sandra-leigh]

... My wife told me this evening. "It's just not in me."

And that if I'm holding back on becoming a woman, then maybe we should separate. Which she's thinking about anyhow because she's having difficulty dealing with my depression.

Also turns out that we're both lonely inside the relationship.

But... even after I specifically stated there are many things I find difficult to talk to her about directly, and said I wished we could go to therapy together, she said explicitly that she's not going to do that (go to therapy with me.)

It doesn't help that I myself don't even know what I want. But it does seem that she isn't even trying to understand about my feeling female.

I did manage to refrain from talking about the various ways she drives me batty at times, trying to listen to her instead of turning it into a "fight".

I'm feeling sick to my stomach right now. God I wish I could get her to agree to go to therapy with me.

[morgan51]

Perhaps she will agree in time. You could benefit at this point it sounds.I'm sorry you are going thru this, but think what she is going thru as well. Too often I didn't consider her feelings and fears. We want consideration and must give as well. M.

[Ann Louise]

Dear, I feel your problem in my heart. I've been through both an unsuccessful marriage, and a successful one. Regarding the former, I was successful in talking her into going to counseling with me, but she used the sessions to lace in to me and I still bear some emotional scars from that, fifteen years later. Conversely, with my successful marriage, I started counseling first, alone without her. This "armored me up" with a much more solid sense of self-worth, and my confidence provided her with the assurance that she was not walking into a pity party when she did finally agree to go. Consider yourself and your needs first and foremost. Take care (of you), Elfin

[Barbara Ella]

This is going to be next to impossible without her acceptance of therapy help, Sandra. I really have no words to help you reach her. I fear my wife may be on the same path. Intellectually she accepts what I do, and has no problem with others doing it, and even being with them while dressed (she says), just not me!

You are right not to bring her actions into this discussion, tit for tat doesn't help change minds. It is difficult when we don't know what we want, and cannot talk about the future because of it. Just know that there are a lot of us here for you.

Barbara

[melissaK]

Sweetie, I see so many unanswered or unanswerable questions.

Seems to me you need the therapy alone so you can first figure out what you want. You seem to be stuck in depression and couples therapy can't fix your depression. You have to first be responsible for your own happiness. How is her understanding your "woman" issues going to make you happier or less depressed? Figure yourself out then you can try working on a relationship with your wife.

If you are delaying making decisions about yourself because you want her to stay in your life IMHO you're doing yourself a disservice. You're trying to make her choice be why you are or are not transitioning, and transitioning is something YOU have to need. If its just a way to manipulate her with guilt, maybe you dont need to transition. In any case, again, these are your issues, not hers.

I know losing a wife because we have this condition hurts like hell and we all try like the dickens to avoid that. And it sounds like she doesnt want to stay. That is devastating rejection sweetie, and there would be something wrong with you if it didnt upset you. But you sound mired in it and might be losing your way. A counselor for you might help.

[sandra-leigh]

I have been going to general therapy for 5 years, and to gender therapy for 4 1/2 years.

As an example of her non-understanding: even earlier today she asked me why my boobs are so big (about 40A) and said, "Because that's not attractive!". She never asks me about how I feel about them, she just indicates she wants me to get that "problem" cured so I go flat again.

As an example of something I've had difficulty dealing with, even with the help of therapy: she leaves her boots and shoes all over the side-door entrance-way (the door we use), which is also the route to the basement. If I arrive home after she does, sometimes I have to kneel down outside so I can reach around the door to move her boots/shoes so I can get in. And I'm the one who carries the loads of laundry up and down stairs, so it's not just inconvenience but a safety issue. I've told her outright that it's a safety problem, but she doesn't change. She does what is convenient for her, and I am expected to move the items if they get in my way. This is not just "inconsiderate" in the "leaves socks on the floor" sense; it is like telling me over and over again that I and my safety are not as important as her convenience. I've talked about this enough with her over the years that I am at a loss for what to do short of yelling at her about it to convince her that it is important. (There are other behaviors that demonstrate continued lack of respect of me in areas that would not be difficult for her to change.)

She has said repeatedly over the years that she doesn't believe in therapy; earlier today she was saying how intrusive she found it when we went to marriage therapy 5 years ago (until she stopped showing up.)

[Nicole Erin]

First impressions are important.
She or anyone else who knows us a certain way from the onset will tend to keep that same overall outlook on someone.
She may not have said things in the most graceful way, however, anyone who knew us as men first are just not gonna be able to see us as women.
Or like this - at work, they would probably not be able to adjust if I showed up one day as a dude. I mean the boss would probably not mind, she is just glad people actually SHOW up and work their hours. Ehh anyways

[kimdl93]

I don't know how one gets another into therapy. Maybe you could tell her what you told us above - that you don't know what you want and that if she participated in therapy with you, it might help you deal with both your depression and your GID. A lot of marital problems can be resolved through better communication, and sometimes couples aren't particularly adept at communicating with each other. A therapist can help in that regard.

[Michelle.M]

... My wife told me this evening. "It's just not in me." . . . It doesn't help that I myself don't even know what I want. But it does seem that she isn't even trying to understand about my feeling female.

Among other things, it's a defense mechanism for her. Her world is exploding and if she can't find anything solid to hold onto she'll need to wall herself in to shield herself from damage. I see it all the time. Not very helpful to the process of being a couple, but it is a natural and understandable reaction.

But... even after I specifically stated there are many things I find difficult to talk to her about directly, and said I wished we could go to therapy together, she said explicitly that she's not going to do that (go to therapy with me.) . . . I'm feeling sick to my stomach right now. God I wish I could get her to agree to go to therapy with me.

You can't make her go, and her refusal is also a defense mechanism. But until she's willing to be less defensive and take on the hard work of resolving this conflict there will simply not be any forward movement with her at all.

And that if I'm holding back on becoming a woman, then maybe we should separate. Which she's thinking about anyhow because she's having difficulty dealing with my depression.

Also turns out that we're both lonely inside the relationship.

She's intransigent, and again, I can understand that. But you can't change her.

I think you already know how this will end, so you might consider discussing with your therapist (and afterwards, with your wife) how you can get to that ultimate logical, albeit sad ending with the least damage and hurt feelings possible.

[Marleena]

Sandra it doesn't sound good. Good advice here. It doesn't sound like she'll ever accept and probably has had enough. Good luck with it and keep looking for support here because you'll get it.

[Kaz]

Hi Sandra,

All I would add is that at your age, many marriages go through this without CD activity. Most of my friends divorced in their late 40s early 50s an they were all straight (as far as I know!). As we get older we want different things. My wife does, and sometimes my desire to CD is 'an issue' that is voiced. But there are other things that go on that cause more problems. You can't force her to do anything... but understanding her wants and needs might be a start - what does she want to do with the rest of her life? It is so easy for us to become ego-centric.

[Beverley Sims]

Try and not let your depression show as much, pamper to her needs without being selfish, work at making a happier living environment and forget it is all one way probably.
Your depression may lessen and the need for a therapist may lessen.
Also your best therapy is to smile at each other sincerely, more often.
Give her a little hug and tell her you love her more often as well.