I have been dressing secretly now for about 15 years and for the most part like it that way. Recently my wife found my hiding spot and I finally told her this is what I like to do. She isn't ok with it. She believes that I'm gay because of it. I told her I'm not. She doesn't approve of it but is willing to go along with it as long as I let her know. Deep down I feel like I ruined her life. She told me that if she knew this before we got married that things would be different .
It's probably more about her feeling like she's been lied to than it is about your dressing. It's a big thing to a lot of people, even though it doesn't really harm anyone. Keep communicating, and show her that you are the same great person that she married. If you are going to dress in front of her (and it probably will happen), keep it stylish and low key (ie: no crazy heels and trying to look like a 20 year old).
Good luck!
Hello Stevie I,m sorry to hear your wife is'nt being more supportive .Your among friends here and you will find all of us to be very kind and caring.I came out to my wife a few years ago and at first she was not very fond of it but as time is going by she is starting to accept that side of me more hope the same happens for you.
I told my wife before she found out. I guess I was married about 15 years too. She was more upset that I didn't tell her about and didn't trust her with all of it. I hope it works out for you, just give her time to digest it all, remember we have been dealing with this all our lives, this is all new to her.
As a wife I think I understand how your wife is feeling. As others have said, it probably is more to do with the not being told in the first place. Also, I was terrified that there was "more" to it than my husband told me. It took me a few years to finally feel comfortable that crossdressing was all it was. I was terrified that my husband would want to transition, but now I don't fear that anymore. Be sure you tell her everything...finding out more later would be bad. And DO NOT try to bring it into the bedroom unless she requests it. Or at least talk to her about it first. No surprises.
Diane
Dear Stevie..I'm a girlfriend and my advice (not that you asked) would be to see if you could encourage your wife to visit this site and learn more about dressing. If her experience here is anything like mine, she'll be so warmly welcomed and supported and she will soon learn 'dressing' doesn't = gay, which seems to be a very prevalent misconception....hell, even I thought that but this site educated me....and saved my relationsip.
So....this is Mum talking......"YOU DID NOT RUIN HER LIFE! " Okay? Get it? You are still the same guy she fell in love with and married and hopefully she will come to realize that and accept all of you because we all are 'many selves' wrapped in the one package. Like I tell my guy...I'm just vanilla...but you are pistachio-carmel-heavenly hash'.
And maybe her terror that you are gay translates to:.....I love you and am terrified I'm going to lose you
So I'm the hopeless romantic always on the side of love ...don't lose her, educate her and love the hell out of her and hopefully soon you'll be posting that she has accepted what she formerly didn't understand about you ....and maybe you should tell her the truth, which I bet would sound something like this "I would have told you years ago but I was terrified I'd lose you.'
I'm betting on you both!
Hi Stevie, I'm a wife of too (this is now starting to look like all the wives jumping in lol) and you have said that you have been dressing for about 15 years. That's a long time that you have been dealing with this and I'm sure that over that period you have gone through many changing emotions. Your wife will now be trying to deal with and experience many of those same emotions only she has someone who is depending on dealing with it all in a short space of time, someone who is waiting for her to come to terms with it. That can sometimes make her feel rushed into thinking about what she's feeling. Expect a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally, she may accept sometimes, she may not and this can see saw for a while until her emotions, fears, concerns etc all become more ordered. You can help in this by being extra supportive of her, gving her time to process what you have told her, loving her and showing her that she is still attractive to you and that has never changed and never will and most of all, she's not going to lose you. Things will likely be said at the moment which may be hurtful but this is all the natural process of coming to terms with it. Talk with her, be honest with her but be patient and try not to rush her. One thing as well is that with you dressing in secret, I assume this is something which you would prefer not to be discussed out of the home, if she can't talk to friends about this, she may not even want to tell friends, but that is also going to mean that she is dealing with this on her own, just as you did. She is relying on you to be her support and to give her answers, you may not be able to answer her questions. There loads of wives here if she ever wants to have a chat with other women in her situation. I wish you both the best of luck in coming through this journey together.
I still have the same regrets that I tainted my wifes life when she found out.... not something I ever wanted to do to her.... when you tell someone your secret you pull them into your closet and place an even greater burden on them....
and on that happy note..... welcome to the forum!
Last edited by Karren H; 01-17-2013 at 08:39 AM.
Again, Some of us older girls... well I thought being married would be the cure for this. In 1970 there was not much info on this subject. My wonderful wife does not approve.
Remember, it is the "lie" not really cross dressing that is the offense. Women hate that the truth was withheld. Moreover, she found you out, not you coming clean to her.
So now starts the conversation phase. You have to talk about this. She has to hear your "why" and you hear her fears and concerns. Her question about being gay or even wanting to transition to a woman is absolutely normal. Talk about that. If you talk, it will be better.
Thank you for all the replies. Back when I first discovered this I really thought it was a phase. Now with all the lies and misleadings I do not blame my wife for the way she feels. I can only hope and pray that she can forgive me and accept me for who I am.
True but the act is a close second place...... even if you hadn't lied..... you would still be toast if she was unaccepting.....Originally Posted by Jenniferathome
I'm at 6 years and counting and no closer to forgiveness than on day one.....
I used to feel that way but don't any longer. My wife and I had three wonderful kids together and many good years even though she struggled with my dressing over that time. I now consider the fact that she could have done a lot worse than myself as a husband, considering how many low lifes are out there that abuse their spouses and families. Thoughts like those never entered my mind as I cherished my family.
Second star to the right and straight on till morning
I told my wife about my crossdressing and she lost it emotionaly. She tried to tolerate it but in the end she couldn't deal with it. She told me that she wants a divorce and Im saddened that she wasn't willing to deal with this with me. I feel somewhat betrayed but I can understand her feelings.
Give it time, Stevie, and tread lightly. 15 years of marriage is a good long time, have patience and give her time to come around.
Stevie,
We all make bad decisions in our lives, in this case it is time to try and repair tnem.
Read what others have to say and welcome to the forum.
Like others I will be watching your progress with interest.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
Stevie, marriages do not end because of cross dressing. CDing can be the straw that broke the camels back but if your foundation is strong, you can come to some arrangement. It may be that she wants nothing to do with it but that will be her choice. Make sure you come clean on absolutely everything. She is wondering "what next?" There can't be a "next" that she discovers.
That is true Karen. You can't force acceptance. All you can hope for is understanding.
Last edited by Shelly Preston; 01-18-2013 at 03:24 PM. Reason: please use the multi quote button
That is true. But in what way? The one thing for sure is that the trust issue would not be involved right now. Having a very different perspective of "love", I believe that if you had told her early and you had talked it out you would still be married. But in today's world so many marry for reasons beyond loving the person, not the image.
Right now you have crashed your equity in the marriage. How far did the stock drop? Who knows but like any other investment, if you hang on it will rise again. You can help this out by talking and communicating. I agree with others that your wife would benefit greatly from visiting here and becoming a member so she can talk to other GG's as well as other TG's. She started with the classic misunderstanding...the gay card. As you will see most TG's are straight married men, good providers, great fathers and husbands, honorable, hard working and everything you would want in a husband. Give her time to get over the trust issue and see that beyond the clothes, you are the same person you were last week.
Communicate......
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
Having very recently told my wife of 15 years (what is it with the 15 year mark?) I can totally relate. You didn't ruin her life by coming out to her. You made a mistake in hiding this part of you for reasons all of us who deal with some form of CDing/transgender feelings understand.
Remember, CDing with all its complications and variations is something she very likely never thought much about. Now its been dropped front and center into her life, along with the fact that she feels lied to. She now knows you have been doing this behind her back. Every time you dressed amounts to a lie to her. On top of all this, she is confused as to what this means for you. I know, it sucks. It took my wife a few days to even begin to talk about what all this meant, and even longer to begin to try to get past the lies and my hiding such an integral part of my life from her. Regardless of how you feel, you need to show her how much you love her and be patient with her. And more important than anything else, now is the time for you to come clean to her on everything. You need to regain her trust. Any more surprises will only make things worse.
Sorry to be so negative. Sounds like your wife is feeling a lot like mine did. Hang in there. Be fully honest. Show her as much as you can how much you still love her and that this does not change who you are. It will take some time, and as the wise Karren said, it will suck less every day.
Good luck,
Love
Sandra
Well you didn't tell or come out to your wife first, she found your stuff and you then had to come out and tell her, thats a big difference. I'm not one to judge as I wasn't so truthfull with my wife either and by the looks of it there are a lot of us in that same boat. We can only live and learn!
Our stories are remarkably similar. Nine years ago she discovered my stash, after 17 yrs of marriage. Spent many hours talking, surfing the net, answering countless questions. Had to convince her I wasn't turning gay, didn't have any desire for SRS, wasn't trying to attract men, etc, etc. Once she educated herself (via numerous websites) about what crossdressing can mean to each individual, she realized my answers made sense. She grew up with a lot of brothers, the macho type-A personalities. Men, in her mind were rough and tumble, not lounging around in dresses. She still has a hard time picturing her weightlifter, hockey-playing husband wearing hose and heels.
She also told me at the time that had we not been together so long, she wouldn't have stayed. And like your wife, she felt betrayed, lied to, deceived, etc, and that hurt her almost as much as the activity itself. Unfortunately our sex life has dwindled because of this issue, although there are other issues involved there.
My advice is to show her as much as she can take regarding crossdressing websites that explain our needs and desires in a positive light. But do NOT push it and do not expect her thoughts to change overnight...these things take time. As she put it to me once...she married a manly man, and asked how I would feel if she wanted hairy legs, wanted to wear a necktie, and wanted to wear a fake mustache...would I be attracted to her like that? That did put things in perspective, and I definitely would NOT like that, so I see her side as well. Hasn't stopped me from dressing, but she wants no part of it. It's my thing when I'm home alone only.
"Masquerading as a man with a reason, my charade is the event of the season" ('Carry On Wayward Son' by Kansas)
Hi Stevie, It's a sad thing when your wife feels that she's been betrayed it will
not be easy to regain her trust te ball is in your court now.
Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......
I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !
If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.
Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!
Hi Stevie,
What helped in our marriage was easing my wife into what I had already known...that this was a part of me that I wanted to explore.
Maybe small steps and a seriously direct and to the point talk with her will help? The two of us still have issues we deal with, it's just that with acceptance,
those issues become smaller ones. I really do hope this helps.
-Gwen
The see-saw effect is what I am going through. Sometimes it is not a big deal at all and at other times I want nothing to do with it. But no matter what he is wearing --- male or female clothes, he is still the same goofy guy I walked down the aisle to and said "I do"
Wife of Gwen01 and he is right we need to continually talk and talk and talk. He gets annoyed when we talk about the same part of it more than once. He still has that traditional man we already discussed it so it's done and solved. Sometimes women need alittle more assurance so re-discussing sometimes gives us that. I don't know about other wives but at times CD makes me feel very insecure not just in myself, but in our relationship.
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