Ask a Transexual

[Nigella]

This forum is about transexual specific topics and this thread is for any member to ask TRANSEXUAL SPECIFIC QUESTIONS of TRANSEXUALS.

Only those members WHO IDENTIFY AS TRANSEXUALS may respond to a question, all others who respond will have their posts deleted, irrespective of the relevancy of the response.

[JessGold]

I guess no one wants to be first...
Here's a personal one. I was sexually abused when i was younger and as coping mechanism choose to blame all transsexual feelings/compulsions on that past. I dismissed them as false until I could deny it no longer. Were you abused? Did it cloud your acknowledging yourself?

[suzy1]

Can I ask a question as someone that has never got a handle on the labels Nigella?
I am male but a part of my brain is female. I am not just a crossdresser, I am Suzy.

So do I qualify Nigella?
I am serious and ask this with respect to all members.

This maybe a silly question to some but it’s not to me.


Thank you,

SUZY

[Kaitlyn Michele]

If you are male, you are not female...transsexuals are female...

labels are tough in the "TG" world moreso than in the TS world..

TG people have some semblance of a male side, they can feel fulfilled, authentic and alive as males...perhaps wishing to be female, or expressing their femininity often or even 24/7....TG people don't need to transition as much as they need to accept their own unique feelings about their gender

there is nothing wrong with being suzy but still being a man..

[Nigella]

Normally Suzy's post would be deleted as she has not satisfied the OP, based upon the criteria that needs to be applied here. However, it is a fair question and I feel one that should be answered.

The first part of your statement Suzy clearly identifies you, IMHO, as being non Transexual, a Transexual would NEVER, to the best of my knowledge, identify themselves as male if they are MtF transexual or female if they are FtM transexual. I can understand your question as this forum uses lots of descriptions to identify little niches to fit everyone in.

[Badtranny]

Can I ask a question as someone that has never got a handle on the labels Nigella?
I am male but a part of my brain is female. I am not just a crossdresser, I am Suzy.

So do I qualify Nigella?
I am serious and ask this with respect to all members.

This maybe a silly question to some but it’s not to me.
Thank you,

SUZY

I think it's a good question because I think a LOT of CD's feel that way.

This section and this thread in particular is for Transsexuals only because our experience is unique in the sense that our lives change outwardly regardless of how we feel about it sometimes. In this thread, anyone is allowed to ask a question about TS issues but only TS people are allowed to answer because only TS people have experienced it.

As an example. My transition is legally complete by any measure except for the final cut. (SRS) My name and gender are changed and I live AND WORK full time as a woman. I don't think anyone can argue my TS credentials now but before I transitioned I had no right to answer questions as if I had.

An argument can be made that I was ALWAYS transsexual I just hadn't transitioned yet so my opinion should be considered valid.

The problem is, while my opinion might have been valid back then, it was still not born of experience so it was purely speculation. When I talk about TS issues now, I don't have an opinion, I have empirical evidence from my very own experience. I know that everyone is different and every experience is different but when I say something happened, I mean it actually happened to me. It's not what WOULD happen or what SHOULD happen, it's actually what happened. I have lived it for better or for worse.

Someday my RLE will have been fulfilled and I will be eligible for SRS, which means I may have some questions from my sisters who have done it. If I posted the question in the open forum I am sure that many people who have NOT done it would have plenty to say about it, but I would obviously only be interested in the experiences of the girls who have been there and done that.

That's what this thread is about. If somebody has a question about name and gender changes, there is a number of us who can answer. Same for lipo, or breast augmentation, or HRT results, or any number of things that may interest somebody for whatever reason about transsexualism. Someone who identifies very strongly as a TS but has not begun transition would have very little to add in a discussion about transition.

[Inna]

Darn, so my post here will be deleted as well as I am a woman with transsexual past. Gosh, I can't fit anywhere but with my girlfriends sipping on red wino and discussing our simple minded yet gorgeous-delicious boyfriends.
It is a tough life, but someone got to do it!...............................

Sincerely, G[SIZE="1"]c[/SIZE]G
Genetically [SIZE="1"]Challenged[/SIZE] Girl

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i think melissa that's exactly right... i misunderstood the question a little bit.

[Rianna Humble]

Can I ask a question as someone that has never got a handle on the labels Nigella?

I am not Nigella, but it is clear to me that anyone can ask a question about transsexuality with the intent of gaining a reply from transsexuals.

I am male but a part of my brain is female. I am not just a crossdresser, I am Suzy.

You are most probably transgender, but the fact that you define yourself as male with part of your brain being female suggests that you are not transsexual.
So whilst you qualify to ask questions in this thread, by the definitions in the original post, you would not qualify to answer them.

This maybe a silly question to some but it's not to me.

IMNSHO the only silly question is the one you are too afraid to ask.

As I understand it, the point of this thread is for people to ask questions for Transsexuals to answer based upon their experience. Many fine upstanding members of this site can theorise about what it is like to be transsexual, just like I can theorise about what it is like to be cisgendered, but unless you are living it, you cannot know from experience what it is like.

[nikkijo]

I guess no one wants to be first...
Here's a personal one. I was sexually abused when i was younger and as coping mechanism choose to blame all transsexual feelings/compulsions on that past. I dismissed them as false until I could deny it no longer. Were you abused? Did it cloud your acknowledging yourself?

i started to feel different than the other kids around 3rd grade but i also had alot of other problems that surfaced at that same time too and i didnt fully comprehend what all my body was trying to do. in 5th grade i was sexually assaulted and Physically abused by my teacher. and was in counciling for that event until I attempted Suicide in 8th grade. at this point in my life i knew enough to be dead Silent about who i was because of the lack in acceptance i had recieved about the other problems that overshadowed my transgender feelings.... by end of 8th grade i knew for sure what i wanted and started slowly changing my attire.. and other things that i could get away with without getting in trouble.. by end of 8th grade i was a total wreck due to the effects of puberty and other outward issues i had... i then learned to hide who i was until i came out at age 29... i never should have hidden.. i should have been honest and taken the fact my parents would have done anything to not go through the pain they went through when i was wanting to die as a child. yes i was abused... does it effect who i am sure to some extent... does it change WHO i am NO..

[Rianna Humble]

Here's a personal one. I was sexually abused when i was younger and as coping mechanism choose to blame all transsexual feelings/compulsions on that past. I dismissed them as false until I could deny it no longer. Were you abused? Did it cloud your acknowledging yourself?

I have never been abused so I can only sympathise with you. I believe it is a natural part of the denial that many of us experience to try to find something to "blame" for the way that we were born.

As terrible as the abuse must have been, IMNSHO it was not the cause of you being born transsexual, neither was it the root cause of your Gender Dysphoria, however, I am equally sure that it is something you need to deal with before you will be able to fully accept yourself. Please remember that it is never the victim's fault.

[Megan70]

ASK A TRANNY QUESTION # 341

This question is serious absolutely non critical one for the moderator Nigela, as well as BadTranny, Kaitlyn and others who are or truly consider themselves Transsexual... either pre-op, post op, transgendered and living (and have been) as a woman. 'Here it is, with some clarification.:
FAMILY, FRIENDS,RELATIVES. How do you tell them , when they learn about you for the first time, see you the first time at the likes of Weddings, wakes, Christmas and Easter Dinners, Family reunions(from really disconnected far away unknowing relatives)Family Birthday Parties where there are small children involved but you must attend i.e.sibling, nephew, cousin.... all of these when you show up as a woman , your sincere chosen gender, and not try to dress androgously, but have the breasts, hair makeup, voice, deportment. There must be SOME sort of problems , some may be shocked, speechless, those who only heard tha family gossip but no to see the person ...Those some of the time, either shunning, mocking, maybe hostility , disowning by some. Now I know the standard universal answer is, I am me, I am doing what I feel I need to do for myself and my gender and I don't care, but the reality of it is... others DO whether you like it or not, and you have that hard choice of either biting the bullet and showing up that very first time to break the ice at any of the events mentioned above or write off your family friends,relatives who have disowned you or turned their back on you or friends who abandoned you. For some it must be a very lonely life and a heart wreatching decision to make.
But again what do you do when those social event occur? Do you show up as YOU?
This again is a respective question and I'm very curious to its answer.
Megan

[Rianna Humble]

Although the only moderator specified was Nigella, I still fit under the heading of those who are transsexual (just as well since no-one else can answer in this thread).

I took the time to contact my relatives individually (for the most part) to tell them about my transition before they ever had to see the real me.

There was one exception right near the start of my transition where I was invited to my niece's wedding on another continent. I decided that to make a display of my transition at such an early stage would have detracted from her big day, so out of respect for her I went as the old me. I had previously informed the parents of the bride (my brother and sister-in-law both of the transition and the fact that I would be suspending it for her wedding weekend).

I have been fortunate enough to have no negative reactions from my family. Even though my brother did not feel able to discuss with me at his daughter's wedding weekend, he did talk to his children about me after that time and they immediately sought me out on facebook to ask if we could be on-line friends.

My greatest fear when coming out was the effect it would have on my extremely aged father who is in very frail health, but he has been absolutely amazing in his support.

With respect to the rest of my family, I had already passed the point where I was willing to lose them if it meant finally becoming whole. As is often the case in my experience, if you are prepared to lose something, you can then be pleasantly surprised when you don't.

[arbon]

The family that have seen me - mom, wife, daughter, brother, the in-laws and one uncle. I have talked to my sister but have not seen her. My dad he died this last november he had not seen me, I am not sure how he really felt about me The uncle has only seen me once - he was nervous about it and did not really say anything to me. I have a niece and nephew that I talk to on-line. The rest of the family have not seen them and I did not feel it was that important for me to talk to and let them know about my transition, they all found out anyway through my mom and the grapevine - when they do see me again they will see me as me - what they think I don't really care to be honest.

My mother in-law is cool with me but my father in-law the last two christmases said I could only go to his house if I went as a man. Even though holidays 2011 I was still presenting as male sort of for work I was not willing to present as male outside of work so I said no then, and this last holiday after having changed my name and having my big show down at work to be me there was absolutly no way am I presenting as male for anyone ever again. Its not happening.

My brother is getting married this summer and he was giving me some friendly crap about going - "there are going to be the indians, the mormons, the cowboys and the drunks, and then there is all of her family, and then there's going to be YOU, dear brother, in a dress!" He is so looking forward to his wedding! So am I, I am going to dress nice! But I think he is upset as he was the best man at my wedding but how do I fit into his? And I think he really is worried about how people will react to my being there.

Transitioning is hard.

[emmicd]

I know there are Transexual identified individuals who never transition though they certainly would be much better off if they could. I knew I was transgender since the age of 4. It took me 47 years to finally take action in my life to transition even with a family and a career. I am transgender. I am transexual. I am a transwoman. I am pre-op. That does not mean I am not transexual. I wonder how many self identify as transexual and who do the whole regiment of female hormones and antiandrogens, electrolysis, therapy but for whatever reasons does not do the surgery (SRS/GRS) Does this make them any less transexual. I don't think so. I know what I am and I do not need a therapist to tell me otherwise. I knew since I was a kid. It is instinctual and self preservation. For me I did not really want to commit suicide though I struggled with those feeling for a good part of my life. I've never felt better since going on hormones and doing electrolysis and working as Emily.

Thank you.

Emily

[dreamer_2.0]

There's been some talk about breast growth and ensuring you have a proper fitting bra. I'm curious, how was your first bra fitting? I'm guessing you did it in female mode, were you treated any differently because you still, technically, had a male body?

I'm envisioning myself standing in line at a La Senza, the idea seems quite scary (add it to the list). I'd probably end up going to a Wal-Mart or some big department store where I could remain fairly anonymous and simply pick something off the rack and pay.

[Cindy J Angel]

Well I don't know if I was sexually abused or I liked it. just 2 kids playing on grown ups. then all through my child hood at diff times and I can remember all of them and do not regret any think that I have done. Would I have done diff if I could have done over don't think so may b would have done a little more. Do I think it has something to do with now no but it could have. But I do think that is did have a profound efict on sex it aloud me to b free and enjoy it more. love Cindy

[AllyM]

I have just one simple question which I am sure you will all understand. Does the "Haunting" of wanting to be in the fully female ever go away? It is that thought that is always on your mind. Please let me know.

[shellybme]

Did any of you start out as a crossdresser only and then as time went on you wanted to become more and more feminine to the point you realized that you are a transexual?

[Barbara Ella]

OK, my question is this, and addressed to Melissa specifically, but others please answer. When did you consider yourself to be transexual? I agree i could never discuss any aspect of transition, but i could (and think I do) have thoughts on the other elements you mentioned that would be quite valid and appropriate. Aside from the personal identification and acceptance of being transexsual, what does it take for other women to accept it in me (or anyone else)?

I pose this respectfully as I am fighting in my mind daily whether it could or could not be real, that I am finding each day that I have less and less use for what I was.

Thank you for any response. I hope this is not out of line.

Barbara

PS, if you feel your response would not fit a public airing, please PM me

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It's totally ok to ask questions and discuss serious life changing issues.

If you can't say for sure that you identify as ts. Then you are on the question side ..

Why on earth would you care to answer questions "as a ts" until you ACCEPT YOURSELF as one. Wanting to answer questions make no sense...I don't answer questions posed to genetic women even tho I may have opinions

It is not my place or anyone elses to accept you. Based on your question it's very clear you should not be answering questions posed specifically to ts women

Basically what you are saying is that this would be an appropriate place for you to identify as ts even though you don't(yet) This is not about you.

[Badtranny]

Aside from the personal identification and acceptance of being transsexual, what does it take for other women to accept it in me (or anyone else)?

Well I guess what we're talking about is two levels of acceptance then. First you have to accept yourself and then everybody else has to accept you. As far as I'm concerned the self acceptance is the hardest part, or at least it was for me. I didn't want to be gay, then I didn't want to be trans, but eventually I wanted to be happy so I finally accepted my fate.

Then I went to work on the second part, being accepted by the world as a woman or at least a transsexual woman. Which brings us back to the quoted question; What does it take? All it takes is the work. The coming out, the name change, etc, etc. I was just remembering today, that first day I went to work as Melissa. Wow that was so terrifying I can hardly believe I did it now. That was the beginning of my transition. My first day full-time. The total abandonment of the persona that I insisted was a fraud.

I personally have no trouble believing you are a TS and it makes no difference to me if you EVER transition but until you do, you really don't have any business advising the girls that are or want to. That's really all this thread is about. Nigella just wants the people who are actually suffering the slings and arrows of transition to answer whatever question of whomever may be interested. I can honestly tell you that what I THOUGHT about transition and what I EXPERIENCED have been mostly completely different things. I had some pretty firm opinions back in January 2010 and let's just say it's been a learning experience.

Transition ain't for sissies. I was just chatting with a sister earlier on FB today and we talked about a couple of things that just reminded me how rough it was for me a couple of years ago. The uncertainty of it all, the sad reality that some people will never accept no matter what. Yet here we are, no Man Hat to hide under, no beard to grow and no rest from the constant scrutiny. This is what we signed up for right? The question is when do YOU plan to sign on? If you want acceptance from us, then you have to join us in this weird life of transition. Otherwise, you're just another person who is NOT transitioning, which is pretty much everyone else.

[Michelle.M]

When did you consider yourself to be transexual?

I think that's an excellent question!

I knew from a very early age that I was different, but it took many more years before I had enough information to know there was a name for it and to give context to what I was feeling.

Even after that I was too scared to apply that information to myself until I simply couldn't live with the inner conflict any longer. I sought therapy and was finally able to not only accept that I was a transsexual but to embrace it and to begin my transition

Aside from the personal identification and acceptance of being transexsual, what does it take for other women to accept it in me (or anyone else)?

Personally, I never worried about that. I worried more about making the inner changes I needed to make and then I knew that other stuff would follow.

But societal acceptance IS part of the process, regardless of what others might think. In her book "Whipping Girl", Julia Serrano identifies 3 criteria which must be met for one to be properly gendered -

1. I identify myself as a woman

2. I live as a woman

And I'll add that I live as a woman in whatever way I define that, just as genetic women do

3. Others identify me as a woman and treat me accordingly

All of these are linked and irrevocable. You can't self-identify and not live as a woman and expect anyone to gender you as a woman.

I pose this respectfully as I am fighting in my mind daily whether it could or could not be real, that I am finding each day that I have less and less use for what I was.

As did I, and I expect that many others' experience is very similar. That's part of the self-discovery process.

[Rianna Humble]

OK, my question is this, and addressed to Melissa specifically, but others please answer. When did you consider yourself to be transexual? I agree i could never discuss any aspect of transition, but i could (and think I do) have thoughts on the other elements you mentioned that would be quite valid and appropriate. Aside from the personal identification and acceptance of being transexsual, what does it take for other women to accept it in me (or anyone else)?

At the risk of appearing to be flippant, I considered myself to be transsexual after all my defensive strategies had broken down. Even when I joined this site (as my introductory thread would bear out), I didn't want to be transsexual - even though I knew deep down that I am.

The question raised by the OP is not whether you "consider yourself transsexual", but whether you "identify as transsexual" and there is a necessary step from one to the other that can only be taken by the individual taking action to openly identify his/her self.

IMNSHO, if you have identified yourself elsewhere on this forum as being TS - even if not in transition - I would have difficulty with someone saying you should not be allowed to answer some questions in this thread. However, trying to interpret the intention of the OP, I think that answers should be based on experience rather than theory or on fantasy.

I must stress that this is only my opinion, I cannot speak for anyone other than myself.

To clarify, i know I am female in a male body. I have not accepted that, as if I accept it, I must sit down and have a talk with the wife. I am not ready for that yet.

By your definition, you do not identify as being transsexual. You acknowledge the condition, but if you do not accept it for yourself then you cannot identify as TS. This is the essential step of which I wrote earlier in this post.

[Deborah_UK]

One for the post-ops please.

How soon after your op were you able to start driving again? (a car with a clutch specifically - I think you Americans call them a "stick shift")