Ask a Transexual

[Nigella]

I'm a late onset, having gone through the whole I'm a cder thing. I lived with my GD, managing to have a life as a man, it was not until I was in my very late 40s that my GD kicked me in the teeth to remind that it was there. Therapy helped me understand that my past was a precursor and that I was TS. So no, in my case I "did not know" but it was there, I just managed to hide myself from it.

[Rianna Humble]

There are some members who honestly believed that they were simply cross-dressers, but when they became aware that they were indeed transsexual a lot of incidents in their past made more sense.

Some of us managed to have whole periods where we did not think about being wrong for as long as one or two days at a time whilst we were in denial, but I know in my case the dressing always felt like coming home rather than something exciting.

[Rachel Smith]

Melissa said

Every T-girl I know (and I know quite a few) has literally "always known".

I am now 58, started my transition at 56 and hormones at 57. Personally I haven't "always known". I did however "always know" something wasn't right. See my coming clean letter here http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ussions-please (post #6.)

Like you I started or so I thought because it was sexually exciting. As time went on that feeling passed and was replaced by a feeling of completeness. I was diagnosed with ADD as an adult. Now with the hormones my mind is clear and I am no longer plagued with rampant thoughts running through my mind.

These things were not talked about when I was young like they are today so I just learned to live with my feelings early on. Then my wife wanted a divorce and after a failed attempt at ending it all I figured it was time to get this sorted.

Perhaps this is how it is for a lot of my generation.

Hugs
Rachel

[I Am Paula]

I cannot hate being transsexual. It is what I am, and considering the alternative, being male, it's a pretty good place to be.
I don't mind that I'm in a middle ground. I'm not GG. I never will be, and at my age being a transwoman, and being referred to as transsexual, is probably the best I'm going to get.
I realize that some things are forced upon us. All things being equal, if I was born cis male it would have made life considerably easier. This is not a path I chose, so dwelling on the less glamorous aspects is counter productive.
I am transsexual. I enjoy being transsexual, and I will probably always be thought of as transsexual. It is me.

[JamieLeigh]

In answering Dreamer_grl's Two Questions:

Been reading more about SRS procedures and the healing process; dilation obviously being a huge part of this. Frankly I don't really want to ask this question (scared of the answer) but...how was the dilation period initially? I've read it can be quite difficult and understandably painful. Pain is relative, of course, but would you agree with this?

Secondly, there appear to be a few different vaginoplasty techniques in use. Did you and/or your doctor choose how you wanted things done, weighing the pros and cons of each, or did you go to a specific doctor who specialized in a specific technique? How did you choose?

My answer:

I SRS in November 2010. My doctor in Philly had a specific technique, so I just put my trust in him. He was trained by Dr. Marcy Bowers, so I trusted him to do the job. The first dilation was scary, but it really wasn't that painful. After surgery you get 5 different sizes of dilators, so you start with the smallest of course. I think it's the ideal of the dilation right after surgery that sounds so painful.

[Emma48]

I'm with you, Rachel. I have not always known. When I was young, in the fifties, it was impossible to transition and so I mostly suppressed the urges. I even became homophobic to compensate. But over the last twenty years especially, the cross-dressing and urges to be female have continually increased. I don't feel I "have to" transition, but feel it would so wonderful, I have a hard time not going ahead. The main thing keeping me from it is the love of my wife and our great life together. Unfortunately, she cannot (so far anyway) see me en femme. So I am in a terrible place between the two possible lives.

[Shy_Confusion]

Could I respectfully ask for a qualification on the phrase "Always knew"? Is this in reference to always knowing that one is transexual or is the reference to a different TS specific feeling?

sorry for being nit picky.

[Angela Campbell]

For me it means I always knew I wasn't a boy. I was so young I had no idea what "transsexual" was nor that I could be changed. That came later.

[Donna Joanne]

I knew when I was around 15. It came from inside me. But although I hadn't "always known", there was no epiphany. It was more of a realization of myself.

I hadn't been treated as a girl by anyone in my life. I didn't have an older sister. I hadn't had an unsuccessful heterosexual encounter. But I knew I was a female. For the past 40 years and through 3 marriages, 2 biological and 3 acquired (through marriages) children I have battled within myself to suppress my true personality and gender.

I am and always have been a 54 year old Male To Female Transgender Woman.

[steph1964]

I usually say that I've known since I was 4 since I have a specific memory of an incident at school. But that's just an oversimplification of a very complicated issue that I had a hard time comprehending in my 40's let alone when I was younger. As Rianna has pointed out, many including me thought that we were crossdressers. I had no idea what it was, just that it was not something that I could tell anyone. It wasn't until a lot of counseling and allowing myself to even consider the possibility of being transsexual that everything finally made sense.

[Jorja]

For me, it was a bit different than most. from my earliest memories I recall not fitting in with the boys. I shied away from most activities little boys engage in. I played and hang out with the girls. I constantly wanted to be dressed in my sisters cloths. At 10 years old, one of the neighbor girls found an article about Christine Jorgensen and gave it to me. After reading that article and knowing it could actually be done, I stood up at the dinner table and proudly announced that "now I know for sure it could be done, as I placed that article out on the table for my parents to see, I would one day become a real girl". I got knocked across the room for my efforts. From that day on I saved every penny I could find. Every penny I earned went to saving for my transition. Come he!! or high water, I was going to fix this mistake. Twelve years later at 22 years old I started transition. So yes, I "always knew".

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Hi everyone

It's been suggested that I post here to find out whether you think there's a vast difference between crossdressers and transexuals.

I know, I know, I'm probably going to get what I deserve for this silly question, lol. But I was commenting on a thread in MTF about dopamine and agreeing that this seems the logical reason why my male identified husband likes to present as a woman sometimes (usually the kind that is out clubbing, sigh) yet says he has zero gender dysphoria and loves being a guy. My post was lengthy but explains as the OPs did that his childhood had a big influence, as did his genetics and then came the hormones. At no point though, did he want to be a girl. He sees this as a part of him now, but a sexual, comforting part that is more compulsion than identity. I always found it hard to believe that he'd do this without wanting to be a girl, and then PaulaQ mentioned (of whom I have found great help, thanks Paula ) that they are likely to be the same condition but at different levels. Given my initial reservations that my H surely MUST want to be a girl, this gave me pause. But the thing is, my H would be livid with me for thinking that as many counselling sessions and decades later, he still insists he's not a girl. Just a guy who likes to look like one occasionally.

So aside from being very confused, I'm starting to think there really might be a big difference between him and you ladies here.

Am I wrong? Could they also be the same issue but at different levels? I'd love to hear your thoughts as mine are a busy mess most of the time.

Thanks

Edit: I'm not sure I'm even allowed to post here or if I've written anything wrong so please let me know if I have or if I've offended anyone. I thought I'd also add that I'm not looking for reassurance that my H isn't TS as honestly, what will be will be and he's one of those people who does what he wants anyway. I'm just genuinely confused with all the labels and what not and also the different stories told here. I actually think it might be insulting to put my male identified husband in the same category as everyone here because as a GG in my mind there's a lot about my H's personal dressing style that I find insulting, lol

[Angela Campbell]

Uhhh yeah. There is little similar. They are two completely different things.

One is something a person does, the other is something a person is.

[Badtranny]

Tink, read my blog.

Your hubby is a dude who likes to play dress up. Don't worry.

[Aprilrain]

Hi Tink, this may sound odd and hypocritical but I honestly don't really get CDing. I'm not putting it down each to hers/his own, I just don't get it. I've transitioned, my body now matches my mind, I would get nothing out of dressing up like a dude. I didn't do all this because I liked the feel/fit of the clothes or preferred more feminine colors or even because I felt sexy. Those things may be true to an extent but I would not have blown up my life for clothes. For me it was all about my body being wrong and with that not getting to live my life. I don't really get the sexual thrill thing either How can a gentic male want to have sex as a woman, be it with a boy or a girl, and yet not want to be a woman? As far back as I can remember I was always a girl in my sexual fantasies, I was almost always with a guy in my fantasies too. I felt that way wether I was dressed in girl clothes or boy clothes or no clothes at all!

Do I think TSes and CDs are totally different animals, or are we just at different points along a line between male and female? I don't really know and the answer to that question but either way I'm pretty sure the differences are greater than the similarities. For what it's worth I think there is a divid between myself and GGs on that gender line too however I'm much closer to female than male if that's even how it works!

That's just my two cents worth.

P.S. thank you for coming over to hang out with us, I wish more GGs would stop by and don't fret you've done nothing wrong or said anything offensive IMO.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Hi Tink, this may sound odd and hypocritical but I honestly don't really get CDing.

April, not hypocritical AT ALL! I don't understand why my H does what he does either. I mean, I can see where and how it started but WHY he keeps doing it when he's overall a very sane intelligent man who should want an easier life is beyond me. If the brain wiring and dopamine really is at play, then realistically he could change this behavior with hard work but I guess the reward outweighs all the pain I give him, lol. Of course, if it's genetics then he's stuck with two lives I guess. I just don't understand why he doesn't find the whole thing exhausting!

And thanks everyone for your comments. My head is clearer already. Melissa, I'm loving your blog. What you write in the beginning, that you were a guy who had to learn to be a guy, is the complete opposite of my H. He spends his free time learning to be a girl. And not the kind you'd bring home to momma, either! Double sigh. I take comfort in the fact that most people are weird if you dig deep enough. I mostly leave my shovel at home these days

And I like this part of the forum. It seems like you all know who you are already, which is refreshing.

[PaulaQ]

The difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual is quite simple. Transsexuals transition - crossdressers do not.

On that note, the difference between a good investment, and a bad investment is really simple too. You make money on the good ones, and lose money on the bad ones.

There you have it - you now have the secret to figure out who's a CD and who's a transsexual, and also the secret to never losing money on investments - never make the bad investments, and just make sure that if you are unlucky enough for your spouse to be a CD, that they will be one of the ones who never transitions. Simple!

Here's a model from 2010 that suggests that CD & TS are in fact related in some sense:
THE IDENTITY‐DEFENCE MODEL OF GENDERVARIANCE
DEVELOPMENT

I'm not totally in love with this model - it has issues. Still it would seem as if some scientists are considering the possibility of some sort of connection between being TS and being a CD.

[Rianna Humble]

I'm sure that the scientists would love to be able to "prove" that people born with the birth defect of transsexuality are merely extreme cross-dressers, but unfortunately for them, the fact don't fit with their hypothesis any more than they fit with Blanchard's half-arsed attempt at pseudo-science however much credence a few members of this site give him.

There are some gender variant people who suffer from a mild form of Gender Dysphoria but who are not transsexual. Those people need and respond to a combination of therapy and in some cases hormone therapy, but from what Tink says, her husband does not fall into that category either.

Tink, if your husband is adamant that he loves being a guy and has zero Gender Dysphoria and zero desire to be a girl, I think you can accept that he knows what he is talking about.

As for your question about being allowed to post here, the TS Forum is open to all members and you are very welcome whenever you want to join in any discussion here.

[becky77]

Hi Tink, this may sound odd and hypocritical but I honestly don't really get CDing.

I feel this to, I just can't understand how you can want to dress like a woman yet be happy as a man?

To answer your question its chalk and cheese. To some we may look the same as there are m any CDers that present really well. But its in the mind, our identity that things are so very different.
I hate everything masculine about me, always have, I have never fit in, in a man's world. I've tried to, done my best to play the role, learnt about sports just to maintain a conversation. But ultimately I never was one of them and I feel that way with CDers.
I went to transgender clubs to 'find my place' yet felt out of place still. You see everyone might have been dressed as women, but they still drank beer at the bar, talked cars and sports and woman. I don't know what compulsion a manly guy has to want to dress as a woman. But mine isn't a compulsion, its a way of life, its to make the outside look like the inside.
From what you say your husband is very much a CD, believe what he says as its refreshing that he knows his own identity. He doesn't sound confused at all, that's a good thing.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

He does seem to know what he's talking about and gets mad at me when I quizz him - usually after being on the forum in my earlier days here and then asking about things I'd read. I've stopped that now as it wasn't helping. Thing is, he's such a guy about it all, so stubborn and unemotional and it's just something he needs to do apparently. The end.

In fact, in our early years together when he used to say the speeches I've read here many times: 'it's my femme side' or 'men who crossdress are considered kinder husbands' or 'it's like having a girlfriend and a husband' etc etc, I actually remember bursting into laughter as there is NO way what my H does is about femininity. It's about females, I'll give him that. But his attitude whether dressed or not is that of a guy and since I pulled him up about all those comments, he's agreed he just said them to make me feel better.

Yeah, because you can fool a woman so easily!!

But, given what I've read here, I do take a little pity on him too as all this came about from major early rejection from his father and some serious issues with how his mother portrayed men etc. There's so many little messed up moments in his life, I'm actually surprised the only vice he has is crossdressing. And when I look at all this and what's written here, the difference between you and him seems infinite. There is literally no similarity other than clothing, which to my H is the essential ingredient in his compulsion and without them he wouldn't bother. But for you and for me, they're just clothes, they don't make us female - it's who we are inside that does.

Thanks for that

[Manwithabra]

Here is a question.

I understand that there are MtF's that don't need surgery to grow breasts, and it is instead achieved naturally through HRT. I've always wondered, what does it feel like to slowly grow breasts? Is there a distinct feeling of growth that comes with it? What does it do to your overall health and image?

[PaulaQ]

@Manwithabra

I've been slowly growing my breasts via HRT for 9 months now. It can take up to two years to get all of the growth you'll get. The main sensation I get is that they are kind of sore, and somewhat sensitive.

As for my overall image - it helps it a lot! I can get out of the shower, look in the mirror, and I like the woman who looks back at me. This is a first for me - I always hated the person who looked back at me in the past. Couldn't stand that guy! As for my overall health - I dunno, there's some risks doing this, but since my most likely problem before transition was "lead poisoning", I think I'm likely to live a lot longer now... The emotional effects of HRT have been quite profound for me, and I really believe it has saved my life.

[Aprilrain]

Yeah, other than sore, tender, itchy nipples, growing breast dosen't feel like anything. I didnt gett much growtth from HRT and had to supplement with silicone. Having large breast can be a challenge when I need to carry stuff but other than that I've gotten used to them.

[Angela Campbell]

Same. Some tenderness. I am 1 year in, good growth, and I am happy as hell with results.

[Angela Campbell]

I am having the time of my life now, but I had to go through a world of pain and agony and general hell to get here.