crossdressing bf in secret?

[curious]

Hi,
I am new to this whole concept and have an open mind. I recently have come across some things at my bf's house that lead me to beleive he crossdresses in secret. He has told me he has secrets but is afraid to lose me and is always asking how open i am sexually. I recently found many pairs of women's shoes in a large size, corsets, makeup, fake latex breasts, wigs...etc.
I am unsure how to bring this up to him, being that I found these things on accident. I also dont want him to assume I will leave becasue of this...how can i get him to open up to me about cding. What do crossdressers usually do when they keep it secret, just dress at home? ANy ideas on how I can get hiim to talk to me about it?? Any help would be much appreciated...I hate having this secret, so I can imagine how he feels...

[Andinera]

Buy him some womens clothing and say youd think itd be sexy if he wore it. He'll he open to you knowing and if won't give away the fact you found his stash.

[Kate Simmons]

Perhaps he was waiting for a good time to tell you. Ask some leading questions, but not too bluntly, during normal conversation with him and see what develops. It's hard for a man to deal with this sometimes, especially in connection with someone he cares for.

[Jordan]

I think just tell him about it and if you are open to it just let him know that you are cool with it

[Angela Campbell]

When in the bed ask him to wear some panties. If he likes it he will do it if you tell him you like it.

[Jenniferathome]

It will be easy to get him to talk. Just ask him. The truth is the best way. "Sweetie, I accidentally found women's clothes and even breast forms in your house. I'm sorry, I don't want you to be embarrassed, I'd like to talk to you about this part of you. I don't know anything about cross dressing but I'd like to learn." He'll be hugely embarrassed BUT opening up is an equally huge stress reliever and once the genie is out of the bottle, he'll feel great. Please do NOT ask him to show you anything but let him know you are open to his life.

To answer your "secret" question, yes, most of us dress in secret, at home when our spouses are away. We know cross dressing is weird. Most of us have cross dressed since our very early years and as a result have learned how to hide it.

Good Luck

[darla_g]

so you really don't say how you feel about him doing this. Are you ok with this? If you are and its only the fact that he is being secretive about it I suggest you talk to him

[Stephanie Miller]

I personally think if you found his things in a true innocent fashion, and not because you were snooping ( Gee honey, I just happened to move the bed and lift up the loose board while looking for an earring I dropped ), It would be best to be outright open. Otherwise it adds more secrets to a relationship. I'm sure he wishes he didn't have this "secret" that he felt like he has to his or lose you. Probably on his mind 24/7. Bring it up, but don't make a big deal out of it. Because it doesn't have to be.
Now, if you are O.K. with it and are willing to grow together - including it.... then times a wastin' girl. This just may be a part of your lives to share and enjoy.
Besides it sets a tempo of honesty from the get go for the relationship to build on.

[Eryn]

The other suggestions are good, but one thing I would add is that you should start by telling him how you feel about him, and then (gently!) ask the questions you want answered. If he is reassured that you will be OK with his dressing then he is more likely to be forthright with you about it.

This approach will likely be his dream-come-true! He is probably scared to death of telling you and if you broach the question (gently!) it will relieve most of the pressure.

[reneecd13]

Once I was on a buisness trip and my ex found my things. When I called that night she asked who's they were. I was scared to death. But I told her the truth and said they were mine. At first she did not believe me. So when I got home I showed her all my things. She said she was ok with it. But when we got a divorce she through it in my face.

[Deedee Skyblue]

You might start a conversation with something like "I just learned something that I think is really sexy!" If in fact you think that way.

Deedee

[Kerigirl2009]

Well if I was you, Maybe buy a blank card that says I love you and buy some flowers, ask him on a date (of course you have to write in the card,your thoughts) Maybe something like
" Hi hun, recently I came across some items and even though Im not sure what to think of them, I know I love you, If you want to let me in and give yourself an outlet, I am here for you"
I wish you two the best

[Kelli Ca]

Well if your cool with it jus tell him

[justmetoo]

I agree with those who said to be honest with him. You sound like you're open-minded and loving, so let him know that, too. Yes, he may very likely be embrrassed; we're all taught that way. And he may very well be afraid of losing you over this, so if you can reassure him on that front that should help, too. And if you're open and willing to explore it together and have fun with it all the better. He may still be hesitant, that's pretty natural given how society tends to view crossdressing. Remember, he's probably had shame practically ingrained into him and learned to hide this and keep it secret for years, likely for most of his life. With love and communication the two of you can build a strong relationship together.
Best wishes!

[CassandraSmith]

I am unsure how to bring this up to him, being that I found these things on accident. I also dont want him to assume I will leave becasue of this...how can i get him to open up to me about CDing? What do cross-dressers usually do when they keep it secret, just dress at home? Any ideas on how I can get him to talk to me about it??

We live in total fear of being found out, of having our close friends pull away from us, of losing our jobs and our standing in the community (especially at church too), and we fear our parents will disown us. All this over a pair of sexy panties and some shoes. It's actually ridiculous but that's how it is. I mean, if one of my male friends wanted to dress up like a circus clown every night, I'd think it was odd but I'd pretty much just figure that's his business and ignore it.

Also know that we are deathly afraid of being dumped over this whole thing. I had a really fine GF that I was thinking I could marry and there was some baseball coach at the time that was caught CDing and it hit the news. My GF said that if that ever happened to her, she'd leave instantly. It took me years to get over that. I never told her and I just politely bowed out of the relationship. She was upset too and rebounded into a marriage with some guy who seemed nice enough but in hindsight, I know that she was the one I should have built a life with. I assumed that every woman felt this way and I was ashamed. I also thought that I'd never find love if anyone ever knew who I really was inside.

Probably the best thing you could do is immerse yourself in the culture here and learn it inside and out. Ideally, you'd want to embrace the chase and have it somewhat of a turn on that he's into it. Us girls are very sensitive and we can tell when someone is activated by it or turned off by it. A neutral response is essentially a no too. I can tell that some of the wives here are unsure about the whole thing and their husbands are inhibited and frightened by it.

The first thing to know is that most CDers are hetero. For example, I've always been interested in women. I've only entertained the thought of a man in the realm of wondering what it must be like to really be a woman and be taken. In other words, I want the full woman experience. I have no desire to ever be sexual with a man. It's OK if there are some that are bi or gay too; I'm just saying that for me and most others, we just aren't interested.

Being a CDer also makes us very tolerant of diversity. I often identify with other groups that are persecuted sexually and I hate any kind of ridiculing or bullying because of it.

I would suggest watching some movies together. But I'm a Cheerleader is a great one because it deals with the fallacy of Repairative Therapy rehab programs in a very light and comical way. Plus, it's a cute story about identity, coming-of-age, and gender issues. Another would be something like Kinky Boots but that's one that will tip your hand if you suggest it. I would avoid a documentary style one like Just Like A Woman because it would scare me to watch that with someone I wasn't sure about. Also, that one brings up and deals with our deepest fears and I was sweating the whole time I watched it.

So I'm thinking that reassurance is your best first step because the safer he feels, the more likely he is to open up.

[Leah Lynn]

Dear Curious, Please do not suggest he wear panties or anything else during sex. He will probably refuse and ACT insulted, I did! Open dialog with him. Lead up to it, gradually, let him feel free to approach the subject. May I suggest watching the movie "Rent"? A character in the movie (albeit gay) dresses. This could lead to a discussion of crossdressing.
Just jumping in could cause him to deny everything and close up, tightly as a clam. Remember, the male psyche is very fragile. We play tough, but guard our innermost feelings with such tenacity. It sounds cliche, but be gentle.

Leah

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Curious:

Cassandra and Leah are on the money. My ego was fragile and I feared getting dumped, so I had pent up emotions that made relationships tough. Before finding my current spectacular wife, I went out with a girl for 4 years and harbored this secret. I eventually proposed to her on top of the Eiffel Tower, and a few months later, after many drinks, told her of my desires--to shave my legs, wear her pantyhose, dress and high heels. I think she was a little more than tipsy and it didn't really register, but she said "go for it, it will be fun". After arriving home from the bar, I went straight to shaving my legs while she fell asleep. Of course I tried on everything she wore that night, and as she was a tall girl and I was about 50 lbs lighter, everything fit.

The next morning as we were waking up, I felt her legs on mine and after a few moments, she sat bolt upright in bed, whipped off the covers, and it dawned on her what we had talked about. I wasn't dressed but I could tell she was freaked out. After lots of coffee, aspirin and breakfast, as we were watching a movie, she saw me touching my shaved legs. I bit the bullet and told her I wanted to dress (she didn't know I had done so the night before when she was passed out). She agreed--albeit reluctantly--and I just about ran up the stairs. She was puzzled when I didn't grab her jet black hose from the night before, but went to her hosiery drawer for the one pair of nude hose she had but never wore. I have never really liked "jet black", preferring nude shades, taupe, off-black, etc. She immediately told me how "tacky" nude hose were and how she wouldn't be caught dead wearing them. On the other hand, once I had them on, she said, "you need a skirt", and gave me one of hers.

Well, after challenging me with progressively higher heels until I showed her I could walk in 4 1/2 pumps, we sat together, and as she was touching my legs I think she sensed my level of tension and excitement (not sexual). She just looked at me, waiting for me to say something. I said, "Honey, I love you, I want to marry you, but you should know I really enjoy this. Could you marry a transvestite?"

She was shocked. It's like I told her I was HIV positive or a wife in another state. She just shook her head and said over and over, "no, it's not you--this isn't you". She basically said that if I wanted to do this, it was over. I was devastated. Three weeks later, we split up. But, in hindsight, that allowed me to meet my now wife, and life is good. I have always loved her, but now more than ever I know she is the one for me.

If you want to be with your BF, just be open, find a way to broach the topic, know that he has been waiting forever to break it to you, and will love you to the end of the earth if you are accepting.

Good luck!

[Rogina B]

So..You never told us if you were open with the idea of dressing or not...It is a lot easier to give better answers when you tell us!

[RiverdanceGirl]

In my life I have had only 2 serious relationships. The fear of losing someone over something that society can make a big deal of is very anxiety inducing. I really don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, so if someone I really cared about found out my 'secret' accidentally I would be very worried I'd lose her. I think that a combination of the approaches suggested would be best. Maybe leave him a letter where you know he'll find it saying that you accidentally stumbled across some things and you aren't making any assumptions but if they're his you just want to talk about it. And assure him that it's not a deal breaker and he's not dumped if they're his. Tell him you know that it might be embarrassing for him and that if he needs a few days to get his head together about it then it's okay with you. Maybe just text him a couple of times a day to tell him you love him and let him come to you. Unfortunately this puts all the anxiety on you waiting to see what he will do but I know if it was me and my girlfriend found my ballet outfits, pulled one out and asked me to put it on for her point blank that would be a very big deal for me. If she told me she knew about it and it was okay with her and in my own time I could wear them for her I could probably handle it even though I'd be very nervous at first.

Edit. It is also possible that if he does dress, it might just be a private thing for him that he only wants to do alone. Like I say, I have zero real world experience with this so I'm not sure how it would go. I have a female friend who knows about what I wear and she's okay with it but only seen photos. If our lives were different and not so complicated I think we could make a go of it together, but how my dressing would figure into things real world I just do not know.

[DanaR]

.................I am unsure how to bring this up to him, being that I found these things on accident. I also dont want him to assume I will leave becasue of this...how can i get him to open up to me about cding. What do crossdressers usually do when they keep it secret, just dress at home? ANy ideas on how I can get hiim to talk to me about it?? Any help would be much appreciated...I hate having this secret, so I can imagine how he feels...

I think that if were to mention a story that you heard (you might have to do some research to find it) that involved crossdressing, or a good movie that someone suggested (here again back to the research) that was good, might be an easy way to get into the conversation. If into the discussion or into the movie, you expressed you thoughts about what these people go through hiding their feelings maybe your BF would open up. If not, then at least they would know how you feel and the next step is theirs.

[Tracii G]

I'm the type that abhors snooping of any kind my stuff is my stuff.I told my GF this from the get go.
She knew about my gender identity and CDing before we started dating so her finding female items was not an issue.
Not sure how he stands on the snooping issue so maybe its best not to tell him you found a few girly items.
I think its awesome that you are an open minded person and don't find CDing to be a deal breaker.
My advice is to learn all you can here about what it means to the members here because you go looking online you will find some filthy sites that really don't represent 99% of the CDing community.
He may have been doing this for a long time and its a very big part of his personality.To harm that part of him could be a very bad thing for your relationship.
Tread easy and learn as much as you can before you ask too many of the normal questions of why he does this.
I'm sure it will be hard for him.
I'm glad you are here and trying to get a grasp of the idea I commend you for that.

[Joanne f]

Well you have to get around this somehow without him knowing or thinking that you have be (as TraciiG has put it) snooping around as like her I do not like that , so some sort of outside reference to CDing might come in handy , maybe something like , " I am sure that I saw a man dressed as a woman to day " and if he ask's what you thought just say " I thought it was quite cool" and leave it at that as that should start him thinking .
But going on the remark he made about sexuality I think that there very well may be more to it than just dressing as dressing is a gender issue so be prepared for a wide range of things to come out once you do start to talk openly about it .

[Erica Marie]

I know his feeling. My exgf never found my stuff but one night I did open up to her with the same feeling that I would lose her. It is very very hard for us and I want to applaude you for being so open minded and accepting. People like you are very hard to find. All you can do is ease in to the subject. Maybe one evening tell him you are feeling a bit sassy and see if he would be willing to model some of your cloths and you do the same with his. Make it a fun time and see where it goes. I wish you two the best and happiest

[stephNE]

I think you sound like a great girl friend. Let him know that you know and are supportive and take it slow. He'll open up little by little. Could be very fun for both of you. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

[Rhonda Darling]

You might consider posting your own photo in your profile/avatar here (or, if you're fearful of that, post some identifying info he would recognize). It's quite possible he's a member and will read this thread. If so, his reading that you know and accept would go a long way towards breaking the ice and getting him to open up to you about his dressing. It's worth the chance if you love him and really can embrace and accept his c/d nature.

Also, making it so he could figure out your identity here would also let the many of us who are hoping you are actually our girlfriend know that it isn't so, and that our own g/f has not found us out. [For the record, my own wonderful g/f knows all about Rhonda --- I'm just speaking on behalf of the many forum members here who are still fully in the closet.]

Kind regards,
Rhonda