crossdressing bf in secret?

[Jana]

I disagree entirely with the sexual approach suggested by some. I also don't think that saying you found his things on "accident" is a good idea. Regardless how truly "accidental" this discovery was, it may signal you were snooping around his stuff. The fact is, this is his secret and it shouldn't be yanked out of him. It has to come out naturally. He has already hinted to you that there is something. So, it is perfectly legit for you to ask to have a conversation with him. Tell him how you feel about him, try to make him feel comfortable about the relationship. Trust is a major keyword here. It may take more than one attempt at create a favorable atmosphere for him to feel comfortable enough to finally come clean. Remember, this is something we carry hidden from others our whole lives and it isn't easy to simply blurt it out. This knowledge, once out of the bag, changes lives, yours, his, and the dynamics of the relationship, for better or worse. Handle this with utmost care.

[Jenn A116]

I'd agree with the suggestions to simply show you are non-judgemental about CD'ing and let him bring it up when he is comfortable. It may be that he is struggling himself to understand/accept that part of him so it may take a while. Also, you can be sure when he does talk to you about it that there has been a huge jump in the seriousness of the relationship.

Most of us here are advocates of telling the woman in our lives about our other side before getting married because it is a part of us and its something our SO should know about us. Its the fear of rejection, and losing a good woman, that keeps some of us for actually doing that. By letting him know that he can be free to talk about anything with you, you're establishing a level of trust that will go a long way in your relationship.

[Kate Simmons]

I'm wondering why the OP hasn't responded to any of these comments yet.

[~Joanne~]

I'm wondering why the OP hasn't responded to any of these comments yet.

By this point I was kind of hoping for the same, an update would be nice

I recently have come across some things at my bf's house that lead me to beleive he crossdresses in secret. He has told me he has secrets but is afraid to lose me and is always asking how open i am sexually. I recently found many pairs of women's shoes in a large size, corsets, makeup, fake latex breasts, wigs...etc.

I would say that's a huge "YES". He is a CD. How far he is going with it though is open for discussion between the two of you. Since he asked how open sexually you are, it might just be a sexual thing for him.

I suggest, not knowing all the variables in your discovery, that you DO NOT try to bring this into the bedroom straight out the gate. All of the girls here have given you many different suggestions, a lot of good advice, take the parts that best suit your situation, just as dressing is different from girl to girl, the situation is just as different.

The one thing I am sure about is, since he has said he has secrets, is that he is not ready to come clean about his dressing. There is no easy way to bring it to the front. You do not want to force it. He may dive deeper into the closet thinking you don't know about his things, then again he may not.

I think the "Movie" thing may be a great idea and probably the best way to break the ice a bit. It could help you gauge his reactions to them or may even make him come clean about the whole thing especially if you show interest in the lifestyle that we lead.

Either way, I wish you the best of luck, welcome to the forum, and please keep us updated. Your situation and results may help other sisters with their current situations as well as your own

[CassandraSmith]

I'm wondering why the OP hasn't responded to any of these comments yet.

It can take time to process it all. There's a lot of information here and some gut wrenching stories.

Traci G and the others who just were up front, I so admire your courage. It's taken me a long time to shake the fears and more importantly, ask for what I want.


Cassy

[JamieG]

Before you confront him, I suggest making statements the make it unequivocally clear that you would be okay with his dressing (assuming that you are). Use a movie or a book or a magazine article as a jumping off point. Say something like, "It must be really difficult for a crossdresser, having to hide who they are from everyone. I would be honored if any of my friends or family trusted me enough to reveal that they were a crossdresser, and I would be happy to help them but also be very discrete about their secret." Perhaps, you could then try something like, "Have you ever tried on any women's clothing? I bet you would look cute." I'm just afraid if you come right out and say "I found some things," that he'll lie out of force of habit and fear of losing you.

[NicoleScott]

Perhaps he was waiting for a good time to tell you. Ask some leading questions, but not too bluntly, during normal conversation with him and see what develops. It's hard for a man to deal with this sometimes, especially in connection with someone he cares for.

This is pretty much what I did. It took a long time, but finally, it happened as we were laying in bed. I was watching TV, and she was reading a magazine. Apparently, there was something about crossdressers in an article, and she told me about it. I responded with something like "it's harmless fun. Not hurting anybody" waiting to hear her reaction. She agreed and asked me if I ever did it. I answered honestly, but cautiously, trying to perceive if she was accepting of the idea or turned off. It went well, and by the end of the conversation, she said if I wanted to crossdress I should, and to buy some things I needed. The rest, as they say, is history.

Note: at the time we were somewhat newlyweds. I'm one of the many who thought that crossdressing desires would be replaced by my desire for her. Wrong, of course. Just a different desire. Anyway, I had no clothes, shoes, wigs, or makeup, having purged (for the third and final time). Duh.

Now, she accepts, tolerates, and even encourages, but doesn't participate. She lets me dress in her presence or in private as I choose.
She asked the usual questions (gay? want to be a woman?) and I was honest with her (no, no). She knows my dressing is fetish driven, and so she understands why I dress over-the-top. Bottom line: my crossdressing doesn't intimidate or threaten her at all.

[Beverley Sims]

I would ask him what he thinks about cross dressing, conjure up a situation about or find some tasteful sites that you could remark on.
Such as isn't that clever how someone you look at on the net can make himself look like a hot chick.
You tube is a good starter, look for music you like and see a crossdresser acting in the video.
There are lots of situations you could arrange that way.
Show approval and encouragement and It should all go well.

[Lorileah]

Accident?

We talk about trust here and trust is paramount in the relationship. Accidentally finding things kind of indicates a lack of trust.

You want to talk about this, next time he asks how open you are, ask what he means. Tell him you don't know your limits until he tells you what he is talking about. Suggesting dressing (even panties) will be a huge red flag that you have found his secret.

[DonnaT]

I'd set his heels out along side his other shoes, and not say a word. See how he reacts.

[curious]

I am grateful for all of your wonderful input...In regards to some of the questions, I did honestly find it by accident. A box fell in the storage room and when I went in to see what the noise was, there it was open for me to see. I can't deny that I did want to snoop, knowing that he has mentioned things he is afraid to tell me, but that is not how this came about.
I also am open to this, honestly and would support him. I have no negative feelings and am not one to judge and hate because this is who they are. What is the hardest for me is that he is keeping it a secret and I don't know the extent to which he likes to dress or when he plans on telling me. I am assuming he just dresses at home as I didn't see any women's clothing other than lingerie and shoes, but again I didn't continue to look around after what I had already found. I wish he could somehow tell me about this and explain it to me, sooner rather than later as now I have these questions and a secret of my own knowing about this
In hindsight, I do regret the way I acted one day when he told me he shaved his legs a few months ago, he blamed it on some sort of running tape that he uses. I made a face and couldn't believe he'd shave his legs...but I guess it was just more of a shock and confusion because shaving due to this "tape" didn't make sense. I get it now

I thank you for all your input...I am considering all the ideas about how to get him to open up to me without him thinking I snooped. I also am grateful for the responses to let me know what crossdressing is for you, as I have never known anyone who has openly or told me about this before...so knowing what it entails to different people is definently making me even more understanding of the whole idea.

[JeanneF]

Tell him the truth. Tell him exactly what happened, what you found and that you're okay with it. The biggest fear he has is that when you find out you'll run screaming for the hills. Tell him that you understand his secret and what to know more about it. Put the ball completely in his court. As long as you don't break down crying and ask him "does this mean that you're gay or want to become a woman?", he's going to be so relieved that the weight is off his chest.

Brutal honesty is the only way to handle this. You have to be honest with him, and you have to demand that he's honest with you. Clearly he's been trying to find an opportunity to tell you, now is the time.

[Jenniferathome]

I am considering all the ideas about how to get him to open up to me without him thinking I snooped.

Curious, he WANTS to tell you. We all wish we could confide in someone but we are all hugely embarrassed. I withheld this information from my wife for 20+ years because I was embarrassed. It doesn't matter how you found it. If he asks, just tell him. But, these simple words will get him to open up: "Honey, I found a box of women's clothes and large shoes in the storage room. I think this is the secret you said you have that you couldn't tell me. I want to let you know you can tell me anything. Is your secret that you are a cross dresser?" Bada bing, he talking. Now, where will this go? Who knows.

Good luck

[ClosetED]

My thought would be to first create an environment where he felt safe to be honest - to first show you are interested in supporting a crossdresser. Watch a movie with a man in woman's clothing (http://thecriticalcritics.com/review...-crossdressers) and say how that interests you. "I would love to see you in something like that - want to try - to make me happy?" Once he is in utter glory, you can be honest of why you brought this up. By then, his heart will be so filled with joy, he won't care.

[Joanne f]

I think that I may have jumped to the conclusion that you might have been snooping and I should not have done that as it can be quite easy to find things by accident that is why it can be so dangerous being in the closet , mind you it can also be dangerous coming out of it , not always easy being a cross dresser. So I apologise.

[Amanda M]

Honesty does not have to be brutal - it can be sensitive, but it is the absolute necessity here. For what it is worth, I suggest that you tell him quite simply that you love him deeply, and that probably, whatever his secret is, you can handle it. Ask him to be open. No need to talk about accidentally finding anything - that usually rings false, I think.

You might even hint that when he shaved his legs, that made you wonder, but that you had no problem with it at all, noe would have now.

Whatever route you choose, I wish you both the best.

Amanda M

[Yvonne York]

I returned to dressing after my wife put her bra on me in bed one evening. It was the most sensational feeling, and to this day I am not sure how she knew I was into dressing and had been since childhood. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. But I was grateful that she introduced it this way - so maybe the panties or a nice nightie idea is good.

[Rogina B]

I am now glad that you had the good sense to come here.Showing him that his "secret is safe with you" is a huge part of your discussion,perhaps the biggest part.

[Sarasometimes]

I'm wondering why the OP hasn't responded to any of these comments yet.

I'll pass too! The math is wrong from my view.

[wilt575]

First of all how do you feel about crossdressing and would you accepting, supporting and maybe participate with him. going out with him etc. If not sure about that lifestyle, do some research read up on it. Then decide you true feelings. Next to broch subject with him, watch the television line ups for a documentry or film on crossdressing, and comment, this sounds interesting let's watch afterwords say that was cool, interesting, not bad or something like that to show approval and go from there. Keep us updated.

[Rachel52]

I think there is nothing more in the world that he wants than to have a supportive partner in his corner. I told my wife a year and a half before we were engaged that I am bi-gendered and a few bumps along the way aside, we have thrived. He is so scared to tell you. But if you bring it up and immediately let him know how comfortable you are with it, the less likely he will be to freak out or panic. Telling my wife was the best decision I ever made. I was scared to death to do it, but I knew I had to and we are so solid because of it.

[Stephanie47]

Curious, if you have read through many of the threads on this forum, you should be aware of the fear of rejection cross dressing seems to bring on. It may be a casual relationship or a long term marriage that ends. I would suggest, if you know and are accepting, then bring up the issue. If you know, and, are not accepting, then bow out of his life gracefully. There is no sense in wasting your time or damaging him by stringing him along. His interest may be limited to lingerie and heels or, there may be other parts of his wardrobe in other boxes. You may find him wearing lingerie in the bedroom 'playful' sex, but, find his desire to venture out completely en femme too much to handle.

Tell him what happened, and, ask him. You may want to mention you have explored this forum and found it to educationally enlightened. At least, I hope it has been!

[RiverdanceGirl]

He seems to me to be a lucky guy that he has a lady so tolerant and willing to learn about his possible dressing and wants to understand and continue a relationship with him. *sigh*. Shaving legs is not a definite tell, lots of men do, but I've never heard of leg tape. Curious, you made a mistake there accidentally the way you reacted. You might have put him on the defensive. He will understand because it's very complicated and he has mixed feelings too. I don't think it's a good idea to confront him his shoes in the shoe tray and say it's okay. That will be way too much. Nor do I think tricking him into a movie with crossdressing is good either. He may feel hijacked. You didn't find that box of stuff deliberately. You responded to what you thought might be a threat and completely accidentally saw the clothes. Not your fault or his. I think gentle honesty is the way forward. Not hints or trying to get him to admit his desires. It won't be easy at all but you seem to be a very loving and compassionate woman so there's a strong chance it might work out.