Getting Harder to Deal Again

[SarahMarie42]

For those of you who haven't become acquainted with me until recently, I have severe body dysmorphic disorder (along with severe OCD, so it isn't surprising). Upon losing a great deal of weight, I was content with my appearance, and started to cross dress again with greater frequency. However, upon joining the forum, my issues have returned, as I constantly find myself comparing my somewhat imperfect, mildly plus-size figure with some of the svelter, naturally ectomorphic figures of some of my fellow users -- and constantly criticizing myself. I know that not everyone here is svelte, and naturally ectomorphic, and that many of those who are not svelte and naturally ectomorphic still manage to present a highly feminine aesthetic, but . . . I am personally convinced that I, and I alone, must be absolutely perfect in order to appear feminine or to achieve even marginal passability -- so, of all sisters larger than I, I ask patience and an avoidance of taking offense.

I only have one question --

How can I be more reasonable, more accepting, and quit hating myself? That is . . What do you do when you struggle with similar issues?

I thought I had been able to overcome this issue, but I apparently have not. I'm seeking advice to avoid going crazy again -.-

[AllieSF]

That is a really hard question to answer from someone without those disorders. However, even without those disorders it is not uncommon for many of us to wish we were better looking, smarter, more decisive, always have an answer to every question than we are or do. I think that is just normal human nature to sometimes feel inferior to someone. My way of dealing with it is to tell myself that I am doing the best that I can with the resources, experience and personal capabilities that I have and try to be satisfied with my results. It doesn't always work, but it helps a lot. Good luck and try not to be too hard on yourself.

[AmyGaleRT]

Sarah Marie, I just went back and had a look at your pictures you posted. There is nothing wrong with the way you look! (I particularly liked your cute smile in the second one. You look very mischevious. )

Feel free to go look at my pictures; I've posted several threads' worth. I'm guessing I weigh more than you do. Did that stop me? No. Do I look perfect? No, but, guess what, there are lots of GGs out there that don't look perfect either. But look at the comments I've gotten: "Great and very passable." "You are adorable!" "You are such a lovely woman." "You look fabulous, Amy! So incredibly feminine!" "You look just wonderful" "Radiant!" Quite frankly, I am blown away by these comments. Just utterly dumbfounded. My fiancee even insisted I not post one picture because she thought it was "too provocative"! Despite all of my body issues, and I could probably give you a serious run for your money, somehow I managed to project femininity, beauty, even sex appeal! You want a definition of "miracles," girlfriend, it doesn't get any better than this.

So why am I telling you this? Not to brag, but to express my firm belief that you can do even better! Yep, you. Just as you are. You could manage styles I'd never touch. You could be posting photo sets that make my best look mediocre. You have a better femme look, in my not-so-humble opinion. I believe in you. But there's someone else's opinion that matters more than mine. Yeah, that's right. You gotta believe in yourself. Believe in yourself, and others will see it. Have faith in yourself, and others will justify that faith. I'm living proof, if nothing else. I took a leap of faith in posting my pictures, and the responses I got were worth all that faith, and then some.

GGs come in all shapes and sizes. So do CDs. Neither of them have to be skinny-minis to be beautiful. Make up your mind to be beautiful...and you will be.

Hugs

- Amy

[SarahMarie42]

Amy, that was extremely helpful, and I can't thank you enough for taking the time to help me address my issues with such clarity, sincerity, and kindness. :]
You're right, I need to believe in myself, and I need to step outside of my body dysmorphic issues (which lead me to believe in some sort of one-size-fits-all golden standard which apparently only applies to me x[) and realize that I'm fine as I am -- even if I'm not quite "perfect"; whatever that may be. If I do want to improve, I can always do so, but I don't have to scorn myself for being whatever I currently am in the meantime.

And Allie, you're right, it's definitely in human nature to try and use those around us as a sort of measuring stick, so that we might gauge our place in the social/aesthetic/whatever hierarchy. It's pretty unhealthy, and, as Amy pointed out, not always accurate or meaningful.

Thank you so much for being so sweet, ladies :]

-Sarah-

[rachael.davis]

For those of you who haven't become acquainted with me until recently, I have severe body dysmorphic disorder (along with severe OCD, so it isn't surprising). Upon losing a great deal of weight, I was content with my appearance, and started to cross dress again with greater frequency. However, upon joining the forum, my issues have returned, as I constantly find myself comparing my somewhat imperfect, mildly plus-size figure with some of the svelter, naturally ectomorphic figures of some of my fellow users -- and constantly criticizing myself. I know that not everyone here is svelte, and naturally ectomorphic, and that many of those who are not svelte and naturally ectomorphic still manage to present a highly feminine aesthetic, but . . . I am personally convinced that I, and I alone, must be absolutely perfect in order to appear feminine or to achieve even marginal passability -- so, of all sisters larger than I, I ask patience and an avoidance of taking offense.

I only have one question --

How can I be more reasonable, more accepting, and quit hating myself? That is . . What do you do when you struggle with similar issues?

I thought I had been able to overcome this issue, but I apparently have not. I'm seeking advice to avoid going crazy again -.-

I'm not sure if you ever watch "Big Bang Theory" I sent this to a friend (Genetic girl who has really turned into my big sister)
Amy: Sheldon, sometimes you forget, I'm a lady. And, with that comes an estrogen- fueled need to
page through thick glossy magazines that make me hate my body.

Her reply was "well, I guess you are starting to turn into a woman"

[Annaliese]

Girl love your self, you are beautiful, I look at the other her also, but to learn from, keep loosing the weight but believe in your self be your self best friend.

Hugs

[bridget thronton]

You look great (I am not confident enough in my appearance to post a pic)

[Debra Russell]

Do your best -- except who you are -- what will be will be............................Debra

[Ariamythe]

As one big, scowly dude to another: it's hard. I feel you. I dress in private but I rarely look in the mirror. I wish I had advice to share with you, but sympathy will have to do.

[SarahMarie42]

I'm just going to focus on my proportions, recognize that I can still be thin without being identical in size to others I consider to be "small" and "thin", improve anything I may feel needs improvement (for my sake, and not for the sake of others), and continue to go about my business a bit more optimistically. I'm really not all that overweight, which is why I'm often hesitant to raise the point, as I know I'm simply distorting my self-image, and that my insulting my appearance could be very offensive to others with body image issues. However, all that matters, particularly with crossdressing, is that one is satisfied with what they're currently doing and expressing themselves in the manner in which they need to express themselves. Now, I will strive toward whatever marginal improvements I may feel I need to make for my own sake, and remain accepting of myself and my appearance until those are made. :]

I think that's how we should all approach this.

[Jorja]

You know you are ectomorphic. If you understand that, half of your battle is already won. Second, get that crap out of your head about being perfect. This is what many young girls buy into when reading the teen and fashion magazines. That is why we have things like anorexia and bulimia. These girls think they must look like those size 00 models or they are not perfect. That is a bunch of BS. Learn how to dress your body to bring out the best in it. And maybe something you might not quite understand at your young age, None of us, not one single person is perfect. We all have our faults.

[Foxglove]

How can I be more reasonable, more accepting, and quit hating myself?

That's a very good question, one I've often asked myself. I know in my own case it's not so much myself who isn't accepting, but rather certain others whose non-acceptance I internalized. It's a question of stop listening to them and start listening myself.

Look at yourself honestly: you'll find you have things to work on, but there's nobody on earth who doesn't--and in most cases you've got a lot less to work on than they have.

I don't know you well at all, Sarah, so excuse me for this if it's really out of line. But on reading your post, the first question that came to my mind is whether your real issues have anything to do with your body. It may be they're coming from somewhere else and you transfer them to your body--because your body is what you can see. Just a bit of pop psychology there that may or may not be worth thinking about.

And finally, there are very few people who are really happy with what they see in the mirror. So you've got lots of company.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Nikki A.]

First of all realize that noone is perfect. And those that strive for the "perfect" female image through surgeries and procedures all look fake and even worse.
I have misgivings with my body, I try to dress is a way to accent my good points and minimze my bad points. After that I accept that I am what I am. There are GGs CDs & TGs better looking than me and that there are GGs CDs and TGs out there that are alot worse than me.
If you can accept being average as a win the anything better is a bonus.

[Laura912]

Given the population here, we are all in the same boat, generally rowing in the same direction.

[bobbimo]

Hi Sarah,
You have a lot gong for you.
You can lose a few pounds, or wear a loose dress.
Just wait until that pretty smooth skin you have wrinkles up and the place where you used to put eye shadow is covered up by your droop lids.
Just love your life, one day at a time
Bobbi

[LaraPeterson]

Hi Sarah, I'm sure I am older than you; I've been OCD for most of my life. You are dealing with more than one issue. How do I know--because I have a neurosis toward perfectionism; I live in that same house. A good friend taught me how to make a mess, look at the mess, and walk away from the mess without "fixing" it immediately. Over the course of time, being a little messy has helped me immensely.

It helps A LOT trying to make this face look like a woman

[SarahMarie42]

Lara, you're right, I too am inclined toward perfectionism and absolute certainty. In setting various golden standards for myself and attempting to eliminate all flaws, I feel that I can achieve absolute certainty that I am at least adequate, and feel that I can clear my anxiety away. However, given that the standards I set for myself are often unrealistic, impossible, and entirely unnecessary for adequacy, it doesn't help in the long-term. It's best to define adequacy realistically and improve myself wherever I can, for sure.

[PretzelGirl]

Sarah, I will echo everyone that you look just fine. But I do want to ask if you are diagnosed as having BDD. If so, there may be more to this than just saying "I am alright". People with BDD have something inside of them that doesn't allow them to think that way. I know an exceptional individual who is "T" that has BDD and after talking with her, I have learned that some refuse to use a part of their body or even cause damage to themselves. And even having been that way all her life, she can't explain it and can't turn off those thoughts.

I don't ask this to scare you. All conditions have their level of severity. If you have a poor self image, working at it by accepting that you are truly beautiful inside and out is a fantastic path. If you have BDD, you may want to consider advice from an on-line BDD support board where they may know of specific ways to deal with the thoughts that you have.

[SarahMarie42]

Sue,

My BDD is co-morbid with my OCD, and similar in its symptomatic patterns, so I fare well in employing the same treatments used for obsessive compulsive disorder, which are often exercised with patients who have BDD as well. The treatments involved generally fall under the categories of cognitive behavioral therapy, and more specifically, exposure and response prevention, which is to say that it is simply a somewhat more complicated way of breaking down negative and fallacious conceptual associations and confronting one's fears so as to have evidence that they are irrational. In employing those methods, I usually see results. My issues used to be so severe as to force me to isolate myself and try not to show my face, but I've improved a great deal.

I appreciate your being concerned, and I know you're not trying to scare me :]

-Sarah-

[PretzelGirl]

It's a tough road Sarah. Take one of these with you....

[SarahMarie42]

Aw. Thanks, Sue! :]

Back at you xD