Ridiculed for being a H H

[andrea lace]

Hello all I am currently a house husband and my wife's family gives me stick for it and to be honest it annoys me greatly. First let me start by filling you all in on our situation. My wife and I both lived in London where we both had good jobs I worked in finance (commodities broker) and my wife a teacher. I got lucky with my job as most of my colleages had business degrees and I landed my job through a good sales record and have no qualifications. My wife has a degree in education and can work anywhere in the UK as a teacher. In the financial crash in 2008 I lost my job and the chance of me getting that sort of work again in London was almost impossible as there were more qualified brokers out of work that were looking for jobs that were very few and far between. So we decided to re locate to the south coast of the UK. We both decided that my wife would work as a teacher and I would stay at home as a house husband we have 2 children and purchased a nice home on the south coast. At first I found staying at home all day in a new town took a lot of getting used to so looked for work around the area but could not find anything that was well paid enough to help with childcare and we decided together that I would stay home and do the house work cook and take the kids to there clubs etc. I soon started to relish my role and filled my day with things that would benefit the family and went to my local college and did a two year cookery course so I could make nice meals for everyone. And yes this did help with my cross dressing as well. But ever since I have not worked members of my wife's family give me stick as I don't work it has even got to the situation that I wont even bother to see her side of the family anymore as I know that I will get stick for being a house husband and thought of as less than a man . Thank the heavens that they don't know that I like to cross dress as then I am sure the stick would be unbearable. I suppose there thinking is a bit old fashioned that the man must go out to work while the woman stays at home but the situation suits us both just fine and we are both happy with the situation. Thanks for listening.

[Jenniferathome]

It is still a nontraditional role so naturally, traditional people have a hard time accepting it. In the US we use a the term "stay at home Dad" which is equally nontraditional but something that is "known." Stay at home Mom is what people know. People are learning about other stay at home possibilities. I wouldn't take too much offense at the lack of understanding. It's just that.

[Jorja]

Allow me to ask, are you and your wife happy with your current arrangement? Are your kids well cared for, happy, and well adjusted? If so, who cares what others say. They are just jealous that they cannot stay at home too.

[Aylineira]

I'm listening and I feel for you. Stick with doing what is best for your family and as long as your kids grow up to be well meaning people than nobody will have anything bad to say.

[Chickhe]

Maybe you should change your tune and call it 'early retirement'. That implies you have enough money you don't need to work vs. being a dependant. ...sometimes I think if you compare CDing to anything else, its not really the CDing that people have a problem with, its that they can't deal with change or anything different than their own circle.

[andrea lace]

thanks for your quick replies. Yes the kids are well adjusted. They are healthy happy teenagers. My wife is happy with the way things are and loving the meals I cook. She is also helping me with tips on the CDing front too

[joandher]

Does your wife know about your C/Dressing, and if so what does she feel about it,

[Tibby]

This happens more often in the UK since all of the government cuts and the recent crash. There are more and more househusbands now than ever before, mainly because there is a greater amount of work for women these days, especially in teaching and nursing. Your wife has taken several years to gain a degree and this should be applauded by her family that she is using the education and study to provide for the family. With the cost of childcare, and with the limited hours of opening, generally 7am to 6pm, never open weekends nor bank holidays, it is more financially viable for a parent to remain at home with the chldren or for a family member to care for them.
Would any of the family be prepared to take on a full time child care role so you could both go to work and not end up working simply to pay childcare costs, probably not. In most of these cases people are very quick to judge and pass comment but very reluctant to actually offer constructive help and support.

If you and your wife are happy with the arrangement, your children are happy then this is all that matters. As Dr Suess said "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

[andrea lace]

hello joandher yes my wife knows about my CDing and she has been supportive and helpful she buys me nice things and helps with make up tips.
Thanks to Tibby for your insightful advice.
I only wish I told my wife sooner but I suppose we all could benefit from hindsight.

[Diversity]

As long as you and your wife are happy with the situation, then don't let the otherrs get to you both. You'll need to develop a thicker skin, and you must realize that your situation is 'out of the traditional norm', even in this day and age. However, as long as you and your family are happy, then tell the others where they may 'put the stick'. Life is too short, so enjoy your life and the others be damned.
Di

[sonna]

i know how you feel when i was out of work for a year i was getting it from both sides
of the family... even tho my ex was fine with it. we had a different situation tho but
it just worked for us there was stuff that needed to be done and i was able to do it
(pretty much fixing the house).

[Barbara Ella]

You all are happy, so that really settles it. If every couple could be as happy with whatever arrangement they want, the world would be a much happier place.

The next time the stick gets to be too much, please get your back up and tell the males who bring this up something like - "whenever you get enough stones to do something as difficult as this, go right ahead, but until you get that level of courage, simply shut the old pie hole about this."

Keep it up.

Barbara

[Maria S]

I can relate to you as mine is a similar situation. I took voluntary redundancy in September 2010 after 30 years in the UK Civil Service. After nearly two and a half years later I still have not been able to secure full time permanent employment despite applying for about 1500 jobs. I'm sure certain friends and family of both me and my wife think I'm not trying hard enough. The redundancy money has all gone and my wife's salary and my Jobseekers Allowance do not pay the bills. I would happily be a lady of leisure, only 11 years to go to my Civil Service Pension.

Maria

[Vickie_CDTV]

So those same people think it is better for you to go out and work and force your children to be latchkey kids, even though one of you doesn't HAVE to work? They think it is more important that you work outside the home just because of what is between your legs and that is more important that your kids having a fulltime parent to care and watch over them? They don't think being a fulltime parent isn't "REAL" work??? Seriously??

And, factor in the high cost of daycare, having to commute to work (gas is only going to get more and more expense), and the endless extortion, err taxes they squeeze out of every single damn penny you make... how much would you really be adding financially at the end of the day anyway? Does it make logical sense? Well, that doesn't matter, I mean after all, you have a penis, so you gotta do what they say regardless?

Think about it... with all that given, why would you care what people with such a twisted sense of priorities think of you?

[Vinyl Girl]

Andrea, I really commend you and your wife, you took control of a bad situation and turned things around so that it works really well for both of you. Neither you nor your wife had any control over the 2008 financial fiasco, but you were both resourceful enough to turn it around into a win-win situation. You literally took the lemons that life threw at you and made lemonade with them! I think the remarks made by the in-laws are cruel, could it be that they are jealous of you and your wife for being more resourceful than they would have been given the same situation?

[UNDERDRESSER]

But ever since I have not worked members of my wife's family give me stick as I don't work it has even got to the situation that I wont even bother to see her side of the family anymore as I know that I will get stick for being a house husband and thought of as less than a man .

Excuse me? Running a house and looking after 2 children? When did that suddenly become "not work"? Anybody who thinks that should try it. If you and your wife are happy like this, then the only problem i can see is it might be coming between your wife and her family. If I was in your situation, my response would be, "And the horses you rode in on!"

The only objection I would have to taking on that role instead of the GF ( assuming we ever have kids ) is that i don't feel i could do as good a job as she could!

[Amanda M]

Well done, Andrea. Sounds as if you have a wonderful family there. With the in-laws, it's time for a bit of tough love. Perhaps they need to know that their comments are thoughtless and hurtful, and are affecting your relationship. If they cannot see that, and won't desist, then, frankly, sod them. You and your family don't need them.

[Joanne f]

These days people are put into all sorts of situations because of the lack of suitable work but the way it has turned out seems to be working for you,your wife and your family so although it is an annoying thing to have to put up with I would just try to ignore their silly comments as they are no doubt due to a lack of understanding or a slight hint of jealousy , you are happy with your situation I wonder if they can say the same about theirs, think in those terms and their silly comments will just go over your head .
Now get back to work as like all house husbands there is work to be done

[ReineD]

It never hurts to let people know your boundaries. A joke is funny once, but if it is constantly repeated it's not funny anymore. You have every right to tell your wife's family this is a decision taken by you and her jointly, and if they keep giving you grief not only are they disrespecting you, they are also disrespecting your wife. You can also tell them that if they keep it up it makes it unpleasant for everyone including your kids and you will limit your visits.

[k lynn]

When I was married I most of the cooking and house work and took our son to school sporting events ext. I love to cook house work dont bother me my ex wife is a nurse and made more money and her schudle was never the same.

[Kate Simmons]

Unless they intend to help you along, what you and your wife do to keep things going with your family is no one's business but your own. Detractors usually end up eating their words eventually anyway.

[melissakozak]

I hate to say this, but you just have to develop a thick skin about it all. In boy mode, I get my hair highligted, nails done and shave my legs. I workout, too, and everyone can see that I am totally shaved. I do get stares, who cares? With regard to your family, I think their problem is the sudden role reversal. It is NOT their business. It simply isn't. I would say something about it, too.

[mikiSJ]

Unless there is a really good reason to maintain a relationship with these people, get rid of them - and I see you are doing a good job at that.

Life is way to short to have to conform to what someone else believes you should be doing. I am glad that you and your wife have each other's back and I wish you well in the future.

[MissTee]

A dose of color commentary for what it's worth: I would almost bet it's tough for your wife to hear all the sticking as well. I have a number of HH friends, and both husband and wife complain about the stigma associated with it. Couples are only doing what it takes to survive as a family, yet it's treated as slightly perverse. There were even a few documentaries/articles on this and unfortunately they cited that the marriage mortality rate was high among families with an HH. I'm sure you and your wife are mindful of this, but do talk about it with each other.

BTW, my oldest daughter's husband stays home and is a hh as well. Same situation - shes a teacher with degree(s), he has no degree and can't find work.

[Beverley Sims]

After reading through the replies here I would say, why spoil a good thing, in more ways than one it is working for both of you and to hell what the relatives think.
Just overcome the stigma of being supported by your wife and have a nice meal ready for the family when they come home.
You can still do book keeping and mow the lawn so don't despair, you only need a part time job to keep your mind off things anyway.