Wife Changed From "OK" to "Not OK?"

[ReineD]

This is a quote from one of your recent posts:

... [the link to Lana Wachowski HRC award acceptance speech]... It brought laughter to my heart and tears to my eyes, as she recounts highlights of her personal journey as a TG, and resurrected many dim memories of my TG journey to this point in my life.

Are you transsexual like Lana? If you have a sense of impending doom about your wife's potential acceptance reversal, it may be that you sense the crossdressing is much deeper than you have told her. And at a subconscious level, you know that your marriage might possibly be compromised in the future? Do you think that you will eventually come to terms with needing to live as a woman like Lana?

I would pay attention to your inner voices and become rigorously honest with yourself, so that you can in turn be honest with your wife. The sooner the better, for both your sakes.

[April_Ligeia]

That was my experience exactly. My ex wife had Borderline Personality Disorder so she flip flopped on everything. One day she loved her job and the next day she hated it. One day she wanted a dog and the next day took him to the pound. One day she wanted to home school the kids and then within a few weeks she enrolled them back into public school. One day she was into composing music and teaching piano lessons and the next day she fired all her students and stopped playing. One day she was into making jewelery and the next day she got bored with it and gave away all her supplies. One day she supported my dressing and the next day she hated it and threw away all of my clothes. I think you get the idea... It took me 18 years to see the pattern, but once I did, it became obvious that cross dressing was not the main issue.

If your wife is emotionally stable then I wouldn't think that a little vacillation would be normal. If however she flips back and forth wildly then there may be a larger issue that you need to address.

Wow, Stephanie, were we married to the same woman? Amazing how similar "crazy" can be.

I believe that the circumstances differ and should never be "the wife has issues" unless there is medical proof. I did flip back and forth but not due to "emotional issues". I believe it was due to the way that everything was handled... or not handled.. by my H. When anyone is faced with something dramatically different from the "Norm" it will be a rollercoaster ride of emotions no matter how the person on the receiving end wants it to go. If this is approached with respect for the feelings of the person who is being expected (and yes.. I do mean "expected") to just accept what is being stated and not given any answers or support, I believe the feelings are justified. Saying "the wife has issues" is a way to justify that the person who has inflicted the feelings has done nothing wrong. That is exactly what my H did to me. This only brought on the emotional rollercoaster I rode for quite a while.

This is quite unfortunate and I am sorry you went through this. Understand, though, that the "crossdressing" my ex-wife went ballistic about consisted of black nail polish, men's t-shirts, and cargo pants. She screamed at me, "Why don't you just get a boyfriend, then?" and later, as the marriage was dissolving, woke me up at three a.m. to tell me, "I hate everything about you and you don't have a single redeeming quality," along with some other insults. This type of verbal abuse happened every day until I just couldn't take it any more. She was/is crazy.

[Ann Louise]

...Do you think that you will eventually come to terms with needing to live as a woman like Lana?

I would pay attention to your inner voices and become rigorously honest with yourself...

Reine, I'm so pleased that you took the time to read this thread, and a bit about me. I've read many of your posts and responses, and am honored to see you here.

I'll try to give you my perspective: In my twenties I was a big-wall rock climber, and later in my thirties a snow-and-ice mountaineer in the northern Rockies and Alaska. This situation of CD, TG, TS, perhaps just "trans*" in general, reminds me of sitting atop a snow-covered peak in northern Montana on a sunny afternoon long ago, eating an orange and drinking water, and looking out over the rows upon rows of other icy peaks surrounding me, choosing the summit to climb the next day. One of the most important elements of my craft was route finding, being able to pick out the likely best way to ascend and descend, and once on the way, use the actual information presented to my eyes, under my boots, and in my hands, to decide the actual route to attempt. Too many "inner voices" and I was in trouble (LOL). Best pay attention to the tasks that were literally "at hand!"

This is much the same to me. I've worked very hard to ascend this "outing" in my personal life. I'm kicking back and taking a break. A figurative bite to eat, doing some resting up, and some serious thinking about the next peak to attempt. I'm very clear that I have a genuine feminine nature inside, a woman in side, side-by-side with a man. One step at a time, one hand-hold at a time, and my wife is my rope. I trust her with my life.

[Kate T]

How many of us (CD's) over the years have flip flopped on our own acceptance? Often in the same dressing "session". We are supposed to be in "tune" with our feminine nature yet we are still insensibly blind to our partners emotional needs and wants.

There is a thread in the Loved Ones section (I think it is a sticky) called "Now I like it, Now I don't". Read it. If you've read it before, read it again. Then talk to her. The thing is, you actually understand how she feels! If you didn't then you'd be out there loud and proud. Start back on the common ground and work up from there and you'll be OK.

Best wishes

[ReineD]

I'm very clear that I have a genuine feminine nature inside, a woman in side, side-by-side with a man.

Having a genuine feminine nature (in comparison to what is considered standard male behavior in our society) that lives alongside the male nature is not the same as needing to live full time as a woman. I took it from your prior post that you were identifying with Lana who MUST live as a woman - she has no other choice. Hence my prior suggestion.

My SO is like you. S/he is not at either end of the gender binary. I think it is generally easier for wives to accept this than live happily with husbands who do need to live and present full time as women, like Lana.

[Beverley Sims]

I was reading through this thread and wondering how you have progressed in the last few weeks.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I am actually typing this in another document so that I don’t hit post until I try and address everything I want to say. Chemo brain sometimes makes me post too early and I don’t get to say everything I want and need to say. (doing chemo now so my brain does not always work the way I need it too LOL)
I have learned so much about what I have been feeling as I learned about the secrets kept. At first, I was in shock. The first day when I approached him, he kept telling me to “yell at him, hit him etc”. All I could say was “I am numb”. And I truly was. I did not know what or how to feel.

As time went on his “pink fog” rolled in. When everything came out, he went full steam ahead. His need to be “her” was put ahead of my needs and feelings. Everything began to become too real to quick when the items began to show up in the home I was living in with him. It was as if he felt that if I knew it was automatically ok to go full steam ahead.

I had many of the same questions other W have had. My answers came from others here. I was told by my H that unless I could be unemotional I was not allowed to discuss it with him. He wanted me to go to a counselor with him and I said no. Why? I had a hard enough time telling my counselor let alone someone else. I was humiliated. I was angry. I was hurt worse then I had ever been hurt in my life. My security was taken away. I felt betrayed. He felt that he did nothing wrong. He felt justified in keeping it from me because he chose not to tell me – because I “failed” the tests that he did over the years without my knowledge. The same tests many here to say use to “test” the W.

In our 20+ yr marriage I never yelled and we never fought. When this came out, about a month after finding everything, I yelled. I was hurt, angry, confused and just lost. Everything that I believed was not longer true. He never apologized for any of the lies. He never admitted (and still hasn’t) that it was not about the clothes. But, I have come to realization that I will never receive the apology I desperately wanted back then. He had no problem with me leaving because he could then do everything he wanted to do.

But, if I could give any advice I would say, take responsibility for your part in it. Be patient and understand there will be many levels of feelings that will be felt by her. Give her time to process all of the feelings. Be there when she needs to cry or yell. If you truly love her, let her show how she is feelings. Mine never did and I think if he had it might have made a difference.

But, now it is just to late.

Thank you for this.

From what I read here, the problem is not the CDing. Your spouse sounds like a selfish person. He had a hard time accepting his difference, but once he did, you should too! "And be quick about it woman!"

I hope your chemo is entirely successful, and you find someone new, who is a little less self centered.

[MysticLady]

All I can add is, prepare for the worst

Sounds cruel but its the honest truth

I think though that marriages that break off over TG'ness have more problems than just a husband dressing as a woman.

I fully agree, we have other issues also and my dressing was just another pancake on the stack,unfortuantly it was the one that broke the dish

Are you transsexual like Lana? If you have a sense of impending doom about your wife's potential acceptance reversal, it may be that you sense the crossdressing is much deeper than you have told her.

I also agree, when I told my wife I told her everything including the fact that I wanted to be out in public en femme. It's like damned if you do and damned if you don't. What's a Tgirl too do?

My marriage too was ended because of the wieght of my crossdressing on everything else. We started out with compromises that I felt were to strict on me and as I would ask for a little more she'd start freaking out. I feel most women just feel betrayed from this because it's not what they signed up for and fear that this is going to lead to worst case senario's and she will not have any part of it so they figure"bail out while the shame is minimal".