In the famous words of science fiction writer Rod Serling of The Twilight Zone fame, and the ones with which he often introduced each new episode: "Picture, if you will..."
The Scene -
Leslie is out running different errands in "drab" mode this past Tuesday, pops into a Bay department store located in one of the bigger malls in the Toronto area, and finds the after-Christmas clearance sales not only still in full swing, but with extra discounts heaped upon already deep discounts - to the point here they practically pay YOU to take their remaining fall and winter merchandise off their hands. So she does what any self-respecting crossdresser would do - she makes a beeline for the ladies shoe and clothing departments to see what potential bargains she can snag there.
As she approaches the first rack of clearance dresses, doesn't she spot a delightful number that is calling out to her?... and she moves in closer to get a better look. But she is wary - it probably won't be her size, so best not to get her hopes up too high. But today, the stars are in alignment, and against all odds - yes! - it is exactly her size! "This is going to be a keeper" she thinks to herself, but before actually removing it from the rack, she decides to take a quick look at the other dresses there in case she finds something else to her liking.
Suddenly - and seemingly out of nowhere - in swoops a middle-aged GG like a hawk after its prey. She is on a mission, and the mission is to scoop up that very dress before someone else takes it - and that person would likely be Leslie, as she is uncomfortably close to it. And in one fluid motion, she grabs the dress and like a football player to whom a winning pass has just been thrown, rushes past the rack, and is clearly heading towards the end zone. I quickly put two and two together - she had obviously already set that dress aside earlier, which explains why it was displayed so prominently on the end of the rack, and why she was now heading straight to the fitting rooms to try it on.
Leslie stands there in bewilderment and disbelief - how can this be? So close and yet so far! If only she had picked up that dress right away herself when she first spotted it, rather than lingering over the other dresses. Who would have seen that one coming?
But she does not concede defeat right away. There is always an outside chance that this GG will not like the dress in the end or that it doesn't fit properly, she won't buy it, and Leslie will be given another chance. And Leslie is reminded of the words of a man much wiser than herself: "It ain't over till it's over." And so the stalking begins...
Leslie grabs another dress, drapes it over her arm, and slowly and deliberately heads over to the fitting room area. She then positions herself by the entrance and affects the demeanour of the typical male who accompanies his wife when clothes shopping - in other words, bearing a facial expression that alternates between utter and sheer boredom, and the look of someone whose dog has just died. And the dress draped over her arm? Well, that's just a prop to make it look for all the world to see that she is just someone's husband who is waiting outside the fitting rooms for his wife to finish, and he has been tasked to hang onto her preferred selections. And so Leslie awaits, like a hunter stalking her prey. And like a true hunter - she didn't actually see this GG enter the fitting room - she is acting purely on instinct and a gut feeling here...
And then - Validation! The hunch was correct! The GG emerges from the fitting rooms empty-handed and with a scowl on her face. Clearly, the dress was a non-starter. Probably made her butt look too big. The dress is a Size 16. Leslie normally wears a Size 14 or 16. The GG was obviously about the same dress size, but she was also only about 5' 3" tall, tops. Leslie is about 5" 10" tall. So do the math - who probably carries her weight better, has the longer legs, and on whom would that dress likely look fabulous instead? Leslie!
But the battle is only half won. Where is that Holy Grail of a dress now? Likely still hanging in one of the fitting rooms. But here's the dilemma - Leslie is in male mode, but this is strictly an all-female fitting room area. Fortunately, it is also unattended, and there seems to be no sign of life inside it at the moment. What to do? The answer is frighteningly clear - Carpe Diem - seize the day...
So with heart pounding feverishly and with all her adrenalin pumping, Leslie scans the immediate area, sees no one in sight (except for the ubiquitous security cams everywhere, but then again - they aren't Predator drones either), goes "over the top" in the best WWI fashion and heads straight into the unknown. Suddenly, she finds herself in the midst of enemy territory, surrounded by fitting rooms on all four sides - some with closed doors, some with open doors, and some displaying different articles of women's clothing left behind by former occupants who couldn't be bothered to bring them back to the returns area. This suddenly feels like the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound, but without the hand grenades and the automatic weapons fire. Leslie has only a limited amount of time to spend in there before someone spots her, and the consequences could be grim.
She quickly scans the open fitting rooms while her brain feverishly computes the visual data she takes in. At first glance - no sign of the elusive dress. Bummer! What to? But she has already gone in this far, and she can't turn back now. Next step - a quick glance around...still no one there...and she darts into the room with the most clothes hanging in it, thinking that the elusive dress might be hidden somewhere in the back there and amongst them. And again - her spidey senses have not failed her! There it is in all its glory, but hidden safely from view by another, far less alluring frock which has also been cast aside as being unsuitable - The Dress! The Prize! Success! Zero Dark Thirty - the quarry has been found, isolated, and neutralized!
But the story does not end here. There is still that little matter of safely withdrawing from the scene undetected while spiriting the prize out with her. Leslie exits the fitting room cautiously, glancing left and right, and unbelievably, there is still no one there. She proceeds warily towards the main entrance to the fitting room area...still no one around...and far off in the distance, some SA's are at a cash register ringing up sales, and blissfully unaware of what has just gone down.
Leslie takes one final step, emerges from the fitting room area unseen, and proceeds to creep away as unobtrusively as possible, melting away into the clothing racks that swallow her up like so much Vietnam War era jungle foliage. She emerges into a clearing, straightens herself out, neatly slings the dress over her arm, and heads over towards another cash far away from the scene, and where a number of "friendlies" are milling about.
Leslie goes up to the nearest SA, smiles at her, asks her to ring up the sale, and tells her that she will be charging her purchase to her Bay account to maximize the available discounts. She also ask for a gift receipt...good cover...Valentine's Day is nigh, and Leslie is clearly being a thoughtful, loving partner who is buying his SO a lovely dress that will look soooo good on her, and will likely be the precursor to a very romantic evening afterwards.
The SA smiles back approvingly, and comments on how pretty the dress is and on what great taste Leslie has. If only her boyfriend would ever think to buy her something so nice and personal...and how lucky my SO must be! Leslie accepts the compliments gracefully, and then cheekily asks for her additional 15% off Seniors' Discount, as that also happens to apply on that particular day. It is granted without question, the sale is rung up, and not only is the prized dress now firmly in Leslie's possession - the final price was a stunning 75% of the original suggested retail price.
It has been a very, very good day. Victory was snatched from the jaws of defeat, Leslie returns home triumphantly, and best of all, the dress fits like a glove.
But, while revelling in all that glory, Leslie has had to confront an uncomfortable truth - she is now officially a... STALKER.
D*mn you, pink fog!
