My wife came home early without calling and caught me.

[Beverley Sims]

I have replied to you before expressing my sorrow at you being caught in one the worst possible situations.
I feel some abstinence is needed now as you need to work on your marriage.
There is a sharp division of opinion here about what you should do and I think do what the majority would do.
Work at it.
I mean pander to your wife's' wishes so as you get a dialogue going between yourselves.
Do not shout, listen to her reasoning, even if you think it is wrong and make a reply at a later date to correct her beliefs if you think she is wrong.
There is nothing gained by saying that is bullshit, because she may think otherwise and you need to mend the cracks.

[Kelly Smith]

I have replied to you before expressing my sorrow at you being caught in one the worst possible situations.
I feel some abstinence is needed now as you need to work on your marriage.
There is a sharp division of opinion here about what you should do and I think do what the majority would do.
Work at it.
I mean pander to your wife's' wishes so as you get a dialogue going between yourselves.
Do not shout, listen to her reasoning, even if you think it is wrong and make a reply at a later date to correct her beliefs if you think she is wrong.
There is nothing gained by saying that is bullshit, because she may think otherwise and you need to mend the cracks.

I appreciate your sincerity and compassion and I will consider your advice carefully.

I'm so very sorry it went this way, Kelly. My heart goes out to you, I mean that.

Thank you Paula. That sentiment comes from a good place in a kind heart.

Good for you. Be yourself and move on - there is somebody out there that will love you for exactly who you are and will enjoy this aspect of your life as much as you do.

And dump the mother of my children. This is painful.

I am amazed myself how she has/is handling this. Believe me I am lucky but I spent a ton of years hiding this. and all isn't all honky dorey either but most of the negatives are because of my fears more than anything else

Love her.

[Keri L]

Dear Kelly,

So sorry to hear about this apparent impasse. I hope whatever happens that you find happiness and acceptance--something we all deserve.

best of luck!

Cate

[Michelle M]

Hey, Kelly

I'm so sorry that it has gone in this direction for you.

I have been through divorce and it was an unpleasant experience, to say the least. I will never repeat it.

Three years later, I am happier than I have been in the last twenty years, but it has been extremely tough getting to this place.

If you do make this transition, I wish you my very best. It won't be easy and you will feel more guilt than you thought possible.
If you don't make this transition, I wish you my very best. It won't be easy and you will feel more guilt than you thought possible.

Just can't win, can you.
Good luck, and follow your heart wherever it leads.
Michelle

[linda allen]

The fact is She doesn't see me the same way at all. She winces when I approach her for sex. This morning she refused me and she said that she wants me to stay in the guest room permanently. The truth is, I don't mind. I need a change of pace and am ready to explore my feminine side much more deeply.

This post changes things in my mind. If she wants you to sleep in the guest room permanently and you don't mind because you want to explore tour feminine side, it sounds like neither one of you wants to stay married to the other.

The relationship you describe is not a loving marriage, it's a roomate agreement and not a pleasant one at that.

If that's really how you feel, I would be looking to end the marriage so you both can get on with your lives.

PS: If this one thing is enough for her to end the marriage, she wasn't very happy in it anyway. There are some other issues. A wife who truly loves you would try to work this out.

[Ellanore G.G.]

We have a house rule to call before coming home.
This apply s to the children too.
To the younger teens we say its to make sure someone is there for them.
To the Adults, we tell them we could be pole dancing ...lol
Serious though, I was there once, and felt lots of emotions and fears.
She will most likely feel that you are " choosing " this over her, if you go to the spare room,
without hesitation.

[Stephanie47]

Kelly, as some have said, this attitude is a game changer. You need to reevaluate your relationship. If you were to give up expressing yourself, how would your wife still treat you? Would she want to be intimate with you? Or will you forever live like a brother and sister? Will it be a marriage of economic convenience? Is she worried about how society and family will perceive HER because she lives with a cross dressing husband?

On Sunday my wife told me, unless i resist these urges, our marriage is over.

You know, that doesn't sound like a bad bargain. The kids are grown and our sex life together is over.

Thanks, everyone, for lending your ears and giving your best advice.

The fact is She doesn't see me the same way at all. She winces when I approach her for sex. This morning she refused me and she said that she wants me to stay in the guest room permanently. The truth is, I don't mind. I need a change of pace and am ready to explore my feminine side much more deeply.

Frankly, if she is going to isolate you within your marriage you may as well fully express yourself. Sometimes HER hangups cannot be 'cured' by therapy.

[PaulaQ]

You know, it would probably be a good idea to let tempers cool for a while, and wounds heal over and then talk some more. Perhaps there is more common ground here than at first seems, or perhaps not. People will say things like "this marriage is over," or "I'll never sleep in the same bed with you again", but sometimes they don't really mean it. (Unfortunately, sometimes they do.) I wouldn't give up just yet.

It can be very difficult to sort these things out while you are both in the middle of feeling hurt and betrayed by the other.

[Kelly Smith]

You know, it would probably be a good idea to let tempers cool for a while, and wounds heal over and then talk some more. Perhaps there is more common ground here than at first seems, or perhaps not. People will say things like "this marriage is over," or "I'll never sleep in the same bed with you again", but sometimes they don't really mean it. (Unfortunately, sometimes they do.) I wouldn't give up just yet.

It can be very difficult to sort these things out while you are both in the middle of feeling hurt and betrayed by the other.

What a difference a week can make. After spending the week following her demand that I sleep in the guest room, I came upstairs at 5:00 a.m. and slipped into bed with her. She welcomed me.

Life is good again...for now.

[Asche]

I don't see that anyone in this thread has suggested what to me is the obvious next step: marriage counselling.

It sounds like the OP and his wife aren't in the habit of talking about difficult subjects.[*] It doesn't sound like they're exactly planning to do so now, and they're both kind of hoping if they ignore "the problem," it will just go away. (It won't.)

They need a place to talk about the rhinoceros in the living room. And they need people who can encourage them to talk and help them to say what they need to say and hear what they need to hear. That's what marriage counsellors do. (That's why it's the standard advice "chosen by 9 out of 10 advice columnists!" when spouses have a disagreement they can't resolve)

Also standard advice: if your wife won't go, go to one by yourself. They can still help you get clear in your own mind and figure out how to talk to her. (And she may eventually decide to come, even if just to see what you're saying to the counsellor.)

BTW, counselling won't guarrantee that you get what you want, or even that you stay together. But it can help you not do stupid things that make things worse than they have to be.

---
[*] This seems to be rather common here. I get the impression that a lot of (not all!) CDers -- and their wives -- have grown up with the idea that perfection in marriage consists of each person acting out his/her socially-defined role, and if there's a problem, it's because one or the other isn't following the rules. The idea that the rules might just not work for some people, or be total BS altogether, is too frightening to consider.

[jillleanne]

What a difference a week can make. After spending the week following her demand that I sleep in the guest room, I came upstairs at 5:00 a.m. and slipped into bed with her. She welcomed me.

Life is good again...for now.

Au contraire mon amie, life is not good but rather, stalled for now. Best to get the conversations and education going if you ever hope to have a lovig relationship with your wife again. She has not forgotten that pic she took in her mind when she saw you and that will need time and education. Good luck.

[Sarah Doepner]

Kelly, it sounds like she felt you have been punished enough. Eventually you will need to begin the discussion again so she doesn't begin to think that the banishment has "cured" you and you've changed. You may change your ways, by being considerate of her space and timing your dressing, but she needs to know it won't change the core of your personality. The possibility of counseling should be on the table and open communication that addresses both your needs and her expectations is in order as well. Don't rush but realize you may be moving into a Don't Ask Don't Tell situation and those can be a step away from disaster as each party has their own very different view of the world.

Good luck and if you have some photos of you fully dressed and looking your best, you may want to offer them up eventually to begin replacing the half dressed image that is burned into her mind.